


Hawaiian Pizza for the Soul

by CelesteShepard, twofacedjanus



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Addiction, Canon Compliant, Depression, Friendship/Love, M/M, POV First Person, Recovery, Slow Build, Smoking - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-01-20 00:45:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 89,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12421527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelesteShepard/pseuds/CelesteShepard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/twofacedjanus/pseuds/twofacedjanus
Summary: Val had only been in Maple Bay for a day when Robert showed up on my doorstep the next morning and told me he was leaving. It didn't matter much that it was only a few weeks. I knew he needed some time, I just wasn't expecting him to up and leave. I guess it was a little naive of me to think he wouldn't have to, but if it got him on the road to recovery, then I couldn't do anything but wish him well. It was lonely, but it made his return all the sweeter.When he did return, though, I got a few surprises.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work of fiction is a labor of love and time, and would not be possible without my good friend CelesteShepard helping with outlining and brainstorming. Special thanks to got-anymore-of-that-wild-in-ya.tumblr.com for proofing this.
> 
> This work of fiction immediately follows Robert’s good ending without deviation. It also follows Amanda’s good ending. 
> 
> The main character's physical depiction is intentionally left as vague as possible. His name is Matt with no surname ever given. Feel free to use your favored word replacer extension if reading on a computer to change his name if you so desire.
> 
> I use:  
> Chrome: Word Replacer II  
> Firefox: FoxReplace
> 
> © Twofacedjanus – 2017

“I'm leaving for a few weeks,” Robert said.

I tried to mask my disappointment as I stood on my lawn, Robert and Val in front of me, both in the trademark Small family arm-fold pose. I wasn't sure if I pulled it off, because Robert’s expression relaxed from the hard-set furrow in his brow he often had.

“Oh, don't look so glum. I'm going to Brooklyn with Val for two weeks. I'll be back on…” Robert took out his cellphone and stared intently at it. “The sixteenth.”

“You two gonna spend some quality time together?”

“Something like that,” Val said. “Introduce him to the girlfriend, kiss and make up, commit grand theft auto, you know. The usual.”

“Well I hope you have a good time.” I gave as winning a smile as I could – I really did hope Robert had a good time. He had been so despondent when he first talked to me about Val that it was hard to believe he was doing this. And hard to not be proud of him. “Hit me up when you get back?”

He nodded and smiled, always a lovely sight. “You'll be the first to know when I come back.”

“Dad, we should probably head out.” Val showed the screen of her cell phone to him; it was almost eleven AM on the oversized clock. “It's not a short drive.”

He turned to look at her, then the time. “Okay. Let me say goodbye.”

“Alright.”

Val walked over to her car, a preternatural grace to her stride, and stopped by the door with her back to us. Robert approached and took me by the shoulders to pull me into a tight hug.

There were too many feelings swirling around in me: disappointment, pride, anxiety, hopefulness. I wanted him to have a better relationship with her, but I didn't want him to leave for what would seem so long, not after we really began to connect.

“I'll be back,” he murmured in my ear, then he gave me a firm pat on the back. “I promise.”

“Okay. Have a safe trip.” I held on as long as I could, helpless to notice that Robert had the distinct smell of a shower gel I've used before. Winter mint, maybe.

“Thank you.” He let go of me, the chasm of a few inches between us feeling like a few hundred miles already, and he waved before climbing into his old pickup truck and driving out of the cul de sac, right behind Val's sports car.

It was a bright, sunny day. Birds chirped happily, it was warm enough you could go barefoot and be comfortable, and forecasts called for two weeks of sun. Perfect summer weather, but without Robert, it felt a bit gloomier.

 

* * *

 

Amanda took quick notice of my mood. It probably had to do with making four cheese macaroni that night. I only did that when I was particularly bummed out. My wedding anniversary with Alex, and the anniversary of his death were prime candidates.

“Hey, what's with the comfort food, dadorino?”

“‘Dadorino’?”

She bit her lip to hold back a laugh. “Yeah, it sounded better in my head. You don't look too hot. Like we stole Maxwell and someone kicked him.”

I couldn't hold back a smile. “You really love that dog, don't you?”

“We don't hang out nearly as much as I'd like to. Anyway, you only make this like, a few times a year, and it isn't hard to figure out when. Or why.”

I sighed and cradled my head in a hand as I moved some macaroni around on my plate. It had turned out so well, too, with a crispy top and plenty of Parmesan chunks, but my appetite just wasn't there. “It's kind of silly.”

Amanda just raised an eyebrow, then squirted hot sauce in her macaroni until it looked like it had more hot sauce than cheese in it. “Can't be that silly if it has you making this.”

“It is absolutely silly.” It really was.

“If it's _that_ silly, then what's the harm in telling me?”

Being a dad already involved embarrassing both yourself and your daughter often enough – I really didn't want her knowing that Robert made me feel like a heartsick teenager.

“It'll pass soon, don't worry.”

The eyebrow stayed up as Amanda stared. Clearly, she wasn't buying it, but… “Alright, if you say so.”

 

* * *

 

Craig almost literally ran into me as I walked out of _The Coffee Spoon_ with a chocolate Frappuccino in hand. As I pirouetted away from him, my heart pounding in terror, he ground to a halt on the pavement and started jogging in place. “Whoa! Sorry bro, didn't see you there.”

“Holy f—” I looked at River hanging from his chest. “—fffuh—firetruck. You scared me!”

“Sorry. What’s up?”

“Not too much, bro. On your morning run this early?”

He pointed at my sugary drink in hand as he jogged in place. “Chocolate this early?”

“I'll have you know a recent study concluded that high intakes of sugar soon after waking up jumpstarts your metabolism for the day.”

“Right.” He smiled, unconvinced. “And it has nothing to do with the long face? What's wrong?”

Like an open book. “I—” I combed my fingers through my hair in thought. “Robert left town.”

Craig's brow shot up in surprise and he stopped moving entirely. “Left? You mean like… moved away?”

“Oh, no. No, no,” I said, shaking my head vigorously. “He went to Brooklyn with his daughter for a few weeks.”

“Oh. So…” Craig scratched his neck in thought. “That doesn't seem too bad.”

I sighed and contemplated how much to reveal. I didn't think anyone except Robert knew how I felt for him – or how he felt for me, aside from Val. “Yeah. I’m just a bit lonely, is all. We were really getting to know each other better.”

Oops.

Craig’s lips slowly turned into a sly smile. “You mean like… getting to _know_ each other?”

“Well… n-no,” I stammered. Though it wasn’t _entirely_ a lie, Craig chuckled anyway.

“Well I can help keep you company. Not the same kind of company, anyway. Nothing like a good workout to take your mind off what ails you!”

“But we didn’t—” I started, before remembering that even when I _hadn’t_ gotten down and dirty with someone in college, Craig didn’t believe me.

“You wanna go to the gym in an hour?”

Well, it’d be _something_ to do. It didn’t turn out the best last time, but maybe this would be different. “An hour sounds good. That’s enough time to choke this down and lay in chocolate-induced self-pity for a while.”

“You could throw it out and eat something healthy instead.”

I stared at Craig in mock horror. His big, dumb grin belied any hint of sincerity there could have been. “Throw out _chocolate?_ Have you gone mad?!”

“I’ll see you in an hour, bro!” As he jogged past me, he gave me a hard slap on the shoulder.

“Ow!”

That hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Like a lot. Ow.

 

* * *

 

It’d only been ten minutes of working out with Craig, but I felt like passing out. After twenty, I thought I would die. Thankfully he gave me a break at the half hour mark and said we can pick it up again in a few minutes. I refused to get up for the rest of the workout.

“Are you okay, bro?” Craig asked, approaching me as I lay on a bench press. “Someone wants to use the machine…”

I turned my head to the left and saw a kid who couldn’t be older than twenty-five staring at me in mild concern.

“Oh. Sorry. I'll just…” I rolled off the bench and tumbled to the floor, my bad knee protesting from the impact. I don’t think my old dad knees could take this any longer. “I'll get outta your way.”

Craig guided me to the locker rooms. “Did you overdo it?”

“Craig, buddy, pal… I think _exercise_ might be overdoing it for me.”

“Oh, come on, bro. You probably just can't keep up with _my_ routine, and there's nothing wrong with that.” He frowned and handed me a protein smoothie from his gym bag. “I should have been a bit more attentive. Sorry.”

“It's fine.” My body insisted it wasn't. I felt like I might pass out any minute now. Craig’s amazing protein smoothie made up for the pain, though.

 

* * *

 

“What's got you so down?” Brian asked.

Amanda and Daisy played in Brian's yard while Brian grilled some fancy burger patties he made.

Truth be told, it had been a few days, so the brunt of Robert’s sudden departure had worn off. Still, it wasn't the most rational feeling in the first place. Regardless… I thought it wasn't as noticeable anymore.

“Oh, just… bored, I guess.”

“Work not enough?”

“I'm a work-from-home customer support rep, it's really not.”

Brian dutifully flipped the delicious-looking burger patties as Amanda screamed something about finding a ghost to Daisy. Not having much to do myself – I was the guest, after all – I sat at the patio table cradling my head in a hand.

“I bet Amanda going to college soon isn't helping.”

It _really_ wasn't. Soon my little girl would be out on her own – with university-provided housing – against the world – with a roommate who hopefully liked her – and—

Well. That wasn't for a few months, at least.

“Not really.” I looked over at her and Daisy pretending to lose control of a truck, or something like that. “You spend your whole adult life putting everything you have into raising a kid, and when she leaves, there's just…”

“An empty nest.”

“Yeah.”

“Well… think of it this way. You brought her into this world—”

“She's adopted.”

Brian cringed, but quickly recovered. “Uhh… well, you gave her a good life, you provided for her, you did everything you could, and she's got her whole life ahead of her.” Brian flipped the patties again. “You're gonna have to adjust to her being gon—” Brian grimaced again. “—being away at college, but you have friends here.”

“Yeah. That's true.”

 

* * *

 

A few days later, I received a single Dadbook message.

From: Robert  
trips going well

To: Robert  
That's good to hear. What have you been up to up there?

I didn't hear back from him, but at least he said something.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks dragged on until finally, _tomorrow_ was the day Robert said he'd come back. Tomorrow. Just one more day. Twenty-four hours. One revolution of the earth. Hell yeah.

Waiting the last day was somehow almost as bad as every other day put together. I did everything I could to occupy myself, from baking to cleaning to watching TV. I had even ordered a new ska band T shirt a few days ago. The website said it was supposed to come today, I think.

Around four, when the mail normally arrived, I heard a knock at the door! It must be the mailman.

I rushed to the front door, eager to receive my precious new shirt. Another knock, right as I excitedly flung the door open, and—

Robert stood with a hand ready to rap on the door again, and a look of surprise on his face. “Hey. I just got back.”


	2. Chapter 2

My face lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July. “Hey! Welcome back.”

“Drinks?” Robert asked. He hooked a thumb over his shoulder to point at his truck.

“Right now?”

“No time like the present,” he said with a grin.

“Absolutely. Do you mind if I change, real quick?”

“Go right ahead.”

I tried to tamp down my excitement – we’re _just_ friends, after all – as I went to pick out some nicer-than-usual clothes. On the way out, I knocked on Amanda's door.

“Sup, pops?”

“Hi Panda, Robert and I are going out for drinks. You're on your own for dinner, if that's okay?”

“So, order pizza with your card on file, got it.” She finger-gunned me with a grin, and I smiled.

“Something like that. Stay safe!”

Outside, Robert patiently waited with his hands in his pockets, looking at the sparse flower beds. Shutting the door behind me grabbed his attention, and he looked up with a smile. “Ready?”

“One hundred percent, buddy.”

Robert drove us downtown, past _Jim and Kim’s_. While I wasn't sure where we were going, I trusted him. Even with a pleasant silence, it was a nice change of pace compared to the last few weeks. It reminded me how much I simply liked being in his presence.

He stopped us outside a bar I've never been to. It looked nice, though – real highbrow.

“This is the place,” he said, and he practically hopped out of the truck. I followed him closely and took in the sights as we entered the bar.

It looked less like a bar and more like a restaurant with a bar tacked on. The usual neon lights from various beer brands adorned the shelves of bottles, but the entire bar was shoved in the back. Everywhere else, there were tables and booths one would find in any regular family restaurant. A waitress with a blonde beehive hairdo straight from the sixties guided us to a booth and handed us menus.

“Here's the drink menu, I'll be right back, boys.”

The dinner menu was more extensive than I expected for a bar, too. I was in the middle of reading sandwich combos when the waitress came back, her heels clacking loudly on the tile.

“I'm sorry sir, no smoking in the bar.”

I looked up at Robert, who had a cigarette in hand. “It's an e-cig. No smoke.”

 _Well, that's different._ I raised an eyebrow in surprise.

“Oh, my mistake. Are you ready to order?”

“I'll have a Hawaiian burger, no teriyaki sauce,” Robert said. He took a long drag on the cigarette, a red LED at the end lighting up as he did.

I'm not surprised.

“Any drinks?”

“A…” Robert looked at the drink menu again and squinted. “Grapefruit mojito mocktail.”

_Mocktail?_

The waitress looked at me expectantly. “I'll have a BLT with a…” I hesitated. If Robert ordered a mocktail, should I… “A whiskey on the rocks, I guess.”

The waitress scribbled down our orders. “It'll be about ten minutes. I'll have your drinks in a sec.”

After she left, I turned my full attention to Robert. He blew out the smoke – vapor, rather – in a big cloud above him. Damn, he looked cool. As he took another drag off the e-cig, I scrutinized him.

He looked amazing. It was obvious two weeks with Val did wonders for him, either his own self-esteem or her beating some good habits into him. He'd trimmed his graying beard to a handsome length, and his hair looked like he'd washed and started conditioning it. He had it combed nicely, his jacket looked newly dry-cleaned, and even his skin looked clearer.

This both was and wasn't the Robert I knew. He looked so much better. Healthier.

He locked eyes with me and smiled before puffing the vapor out above us again. I genuinely wondered if this was a date, and my heart ached in my chest. It seemed too soon to be a date, two weeks with his daughter wasn't nearly enough time… Or was it?

“How was—”

“Here you go, gentlemen,” the waitress interrupted. She set our drinks down in front of us, mine in a plain tumbler, and Robert’s in a cocktail glass. “For you, the grapefruit mojito mocktail, and for you, the whiskey on the rocks. Enjoy.”

Robert took a sip of his before reaching for my whiskey. He stopped himself right before he fully grasped it, and he diverted his gaze in a guilty pout.

“If you want some, be my guest,” I said.

Robert shook his head and took another drag of his cig. “I'm going cold turkey.”

I couldn't contain my surprise this time. “Really?”

“Yeah. Hence why I ordered this fruity thing.”

“Brooklyn must have gone well, then.”

He nodded, and as he spoke, vapor seeped out his mouth and nose in a diffuse cloud. “Val made me swear it off. It was ruining my life. I'm twelve days sober.”

“Congratulations!”

Robert smiled again. “You make it sound like something I should be proud of.”

“It is, though.”

He stared like he wasn't sure what to say, the overhead light making his eyes look a beautiful amber as they swept over my face.

“Going cold turkey isn't easy,” I said. “You ever thought about something like AA?”

“Nah,” he growled. “Fuck that. I don't wanna go up in front of a group of total strangers and tell them I'm weak and I need God to help me quit.” He took another drag. “I'll quit with my own willpower, and I'll be stronger for it in the end.”

“Well, _I'm_ proud, at least.”

Robert’s blush absolutely made it worth it. He lightly kicked my shin under the table and I let out a laugh against my will.

“She made me quit smoking, too. Got me this.” He fished in his bottomless jacket pockets for what looked like a real – albeit plastic – cigarette box, but showed me it had some e-cigs charging inside, and some extra nicotine cartridges.

“Wow, that's cool.” He let me hold the box and fiddle with it for a bit, but I handed it back since I was kind of afraid to break something in there.

Two weeks was apparently enough to get him to quit drinking, quit smoking, and start bathing regularly. It was a good start.

“Sounds like going to Brooklyn with her was good for you?”

He looked wistful, and scratched his chin. “Yeah. It wasn't without its ups and downs. She introduced me to her fiancé, we talked feelings, she cried a lot, we stole a few cars. She got the e-cigs from some guy’s Ferrari the third day there. It was just sitting there, totally unlocked.”

I gaped. “So how much were they? Like, really?”

I spied the waitress bringing our food as he plugged his cig into the charging box. “Free.”

“You didn't steal them,” I insisted.

“No, I didn't. I'm kidding… or am I?” His expression betrayed nothing. Definitely still Robert.

“Alright, for you we have the BLT, and for you, the Hawaiian burger. Enjoy!”

Robert's burger sat open-faced with a big ring of pineapple on top. I'd never had fruit on a hamburger before – except tomato, which was technically a fruit. I liked pineapple on pizza, much to his glee, but I couldn't help but stare.

“Wanna split?” he asked as he watched me stare at his burger in thought.

“Oh, uh, sure.”

While Robert sliced his burger in half, I downed my whiskey in one gulp. I was used to the burn, but having forgotten about the glass until now, I didn't want to tempt or taunt Robert with it. We traded sandwich and burger halves, and he gave me a warm smile.

“Bon appétit!”

I wasn't sure where Robert found this place, but it was nice. It wasn't so busy that the background noise became an oppressive din, and lacking the smell of ashtrays and abject alcoholism meant the food tasted good, too. The pineapple on Robert’s burger burst in sweet and sour juice in the first bite. It was odd, but not so odd I didn't want to finish it.

We ate in companionable silence, looking at each other every so often. He looked wonderful, even in the dim lights, so much cleaner and healthier than before. He looked like hope incarnate.

“How'd you manage without me to hold down the fort?” he asked around a bite of food.

I chewed on an ice cube, thirst starting to build. “Oh, you know how it goes around here. Get dragged to the gym by Craig, get invited to a barbecue by Brian, not much terribly exciting.”

“How's everything?” the waitress asked, stopping by for the usual check-in.

“Good,” Robert answered. “Can I get another drink?”

“Certainly.”

Robert scanned the menu with a finger, his tongue stuck out in thought. It was adorable; I wondered if he knew he did that. “Can I get a Blue Shoe?”

“Comin’ right up. How about you?”

I looked between her and Robert. “What was the last one you got?”

“A grapefruit thing,” he said.

“Can I try that?”

“Sure. Be back with those soon.”

Robert took a huge bite out of his BLT half, then took out another e-cig to play with. Dear Lord, even the shadows under his eyes were gone. He looked ten years younger.

“I – I feel almost compelled to say, you look great, Robert. You look rested and healthy and – how are you feeling?”

He turned on the cig and took a deep drag before letting the cloud of vapor out in a slow stream. It billowed upward before dissipating, but his eyes followed the trail. “I've been worse.”

Well… I guess that counts as progress?

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He tapped the tip of the cig on his empty cocktail glass as if to get the ashes off a real cigarette. Old habits die hard. “I still feel like shit, but…” He looked me in the eyes and my heart jumped in my chest. “I'm glad you're here with me.”

 _I care so much for this beautifully broken man._ I didn't think this was a date, but I'll be damned if that wasn't the most romantic thing I've heard all week.

“It'd probably be worse if I were home alone. Val told me I need to ‘share my feelings’ more,” he said with air quotes. “Even when they're bad.”

“I appreciate you telling me.”

He nodded gratefully.

“Amanda asked about you,” I said.

He perked up and asked, “Oh, did she now?” The waitress bringing our drinks was a short distraction. She gave him a thick, blue, bubbly drink in a fun-looking cone glass. The grapefruit mocktail she gave me tasted great, and I had to resist downing it in one sip.

“She asked if I knew how ‘Mr. Small’ was doing—” Robert laughed. Seeing and hearing it made my heart hurt. “—since she noticed you weren't around, and I told her you went on a vacation.”

“That's cute,” he said, a soft smile curling his lips. He took another drag and puffed it in the air, making a ring of vapor somehow, then sampled his blue drink. “Oh, damn. You like blueberry?”

“Yeah.”

“Try this.”

He handed me his glass and I took a small sip from the opposite end. I tasted cranberry and blueberry in a fizzy mix. My brow shot up in approval. “Wow, that's good.”

“Right?” He took it back and finished his sandwich half. “That was good.”

“We should come back here sometime.”

“Yeah, this is a nice place.”

We downed our drinks and ordered more – him a Gabbie’s punch, me a coconut lavender lemonade. Drinking didn't have to involve alcohol to be fun. The colorful, fruity drinks didn't give a buzz, but they still tasted interesting.

“You ready to split?” Robert asked.

“Yeah, let's go.”

We paid our bills and he drove me home in silence. It was comforting and familiar, like a cozy sweater, the dusk sun painting everything orange. I didn't quite want the drive to end, but as street lights grew less abundant and concrete buildings gave way to suburban domiciles, I knew only a few minutes remained.

Alas, he pulled into the cul de sac and into my driveway. We both got out and he stood off to the side. It seemed a bit odd until I realized he was evading the living room window, hiding behind his truck instead.

I approached him with a wide smile. “That was really fun, thanks.”

“Yeah, that was nice. Uh, so…”

I raised an eyebrow, but my pulse picked up.

Robert sheepishly ducked his head and scratched the back. “Listen, I – I've been really distant in the past, for a variety of reasons, most of them to do with my mood and poor life choices. Going days or weeks without talking, you know. I'm gonna work to change that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said, with conviction in his tone. “I'm gonna be a better friend. Val made sure I knew that I need to – to uh… I need to give people who care about me the _chance_ to care about me.”

The more I learned about Robert’s daughter, the more I believed her to be wiser than twenty-four years allowed.

“But… Robert, you're a great friend.”

Robert smiled, but he looked so sad when he did. “But I know I can do better, and I will do better. I promise.”

Robert held out his arms for a hug, and saying no just wasn't on the table. I went in wholeheartedly, and we wrapped tight around each other, gently swaying back and forth. I stroked his back, and one of his hands carded through my hair as he buried his face in my neck. His lips met my skin in a warm, soft kiss, lasting a few seconds before he pulled away with a quiet smooch noise. The impulse to return the gesture was too strong, and I gently guided his head with a hand to give him a kiss to the cheek. The warmth filling my heart nearly buckled my knees, and we both broke the hug at the same time.

“I uh – this wasn't supposed to be a date, per se… I probably shouldn't have done that.”

I shrugged. “Well if it's not a date, it's not a date,” despite what my heart wanted and my mind thought. Robert’s feelings, space, and healing were more important than that.

“I just – I – I really—” Robert blushed and sighed in thought. “I guess I just… wanted to remind you how much you mean to me.”

My chest ached with want, and I laid a hand over my heart, speechless.

“I need time to heal, before we – before I can—”

“Robert,” I said, holding my hands out to placate him. “It's okay. I know you need time. I know you need to heal. That was really sweet of you, and this was a fun not-a-date.”

He grinned. “Okay.”

“Keep in touch, okay? Let me know if you need something – or someone.”

“Thank you. I will. Have a good night.”

I waved goodbye and watched him climb in his truck, only to drive it two houses down. I'd never understand why he didn't just park at his house and let me walk across a lawn and a half. There was something charmingly chivalrous about it, though.

I watched him unlock his house and wave goodnight again. I smiled and waved again as he disappeared inside.

That was the nicest not-a-date I've ever been on.


	3. Chapter 3

After our amazing not-a-date, I didn't hear from Robert for a few days. It was a little bit concerning, but he did say he needed time to change. I just wondered how much, and how rapidly. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I could hardly imagine that Val got him to quit smoking immediately.

Come to think of it, I didn't think to ask him why he came home a day early.

I was at my computer, Saturday morning, doing remote customer support. It wasn't glamorous, or the most engaging job, but it paid bills and let me take care of Amanda effectively full time. Saturdays should be for sleeping in, but I wanted a little bit of extra cash.

Just as the system patched me in with a customer, I heard a beep from Dadbook. I gave the customer a canned greeting pasted from a text document, then checked what the message was.

From: Robert  
can you come over  
need some help

The worry immediately ratcheted up, like the day Amanda came home nearly sobbing. It probably wasn’t anything serious…

To: Robert  
Sure, can you wait a few minutes? I'm helping a customer right now.

From: Robert  
that's fine then  
take your time

The customer took a little over seven minutes to help, seven minutes too long when Robert needed me. It could have been worse, but… it could have been better. Incorrect item received claims were easy to fix.

I clocked out and put on some actual clothes, then left a sticky note on the bathroom mirror.

_‘Robert needed some help this morning, I'm next door in case of emergency.  
_ _— Love, Dad.’_

I wasn't sure what to expect when I knocked on Robert's front door. Betsy barked a few times, but I heard slow, plodding footsteps approach. When Robert opened the door, my heart sank.

He looked like a disaster, his hair messy and greasy, his eyes dark from lack of sleep, and he didn't even have clothes on aside underwear. My eyes drew down to his hairy chest, but I forced them back up to his face out of respect.

“Hey,” he grumbled. He rubbed his cheek with his tattooed hand, an e-cig between his fingers. At least he wasn't getting ash in his beard.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

Robert moved to let me inside. He turned his back to me and stared at the minefield of debris that covered the living room floor and furniture. Against my will, my eyes followed the curve of his spine. He had a bit of sparse, soft hair at the small of his back, right above the waistband of his underwear.

“Today’s one of those days where I don't—”

I quietly walked up behind him as he thought. “Where you don't…?”

Robert let out a big puff of vapor in front of him and sighed. He sounded exhausted. “Where I don't feel like anything’s worth it. Like… why even bother?”

I wasn't sure what to say. He looked like a mess; maybe if he didn’t, he’d feel better. Getting him started on a good morning routine might help.

“I think I know what'll help. Where's your bathroom?”

He turned around to look at me with an eyebrow cocked. “Where's my bathroom?”

“Yeah.” I took him by the shoulder and patiently guided him down the hall.

Robert slowly walked me past the kitchen and up some stairs. We passed what I presumed was his bedroom and into a horrendously cluttered bathroom. Various body products and appliances littered the counter, some of them on the floor – which hadn't been washed in some time – and there was a big smear of toothpaste on the filthy mirror, somehow.

“Sorry about the mess,” he murmured.

“That's not important right now. Just brush your teeth and shower, okay?”

Robert hunched over and braced his weight with a hand on either side of the dirty sink. It hurt to see him like this, especially after he looked so good two days ago, like he made solid progress. I watched him look at himself in the mirror, and accidentally snuck a peek at the reflection of his flat, hairy belly.

“Come on, buddy. Just one thing at a time.”

He turned to look me in the eyes, looking empty and sad. “Okay.”

Maybe it was a bit intrusive or something, but I watched him brush his teeth. It was fascinating, watching him brush and hold the e-cig with the same hand. After he finished, I gently patted his shoulder. He felt warm under me, and I wished I could get more contact in better circumstances. “Okay, good. Now take a shower. You'll feel way better after.”

Robert didn't move, or respond. At least he licked his teeth to check if they were clean.

With my best Dad voice, I said, my hands on my hips, “Don't make me get in there with you. I will if I have to.”

He snorted, and smiled. A welcome sight in an otherwise bleak morning. “Alright, alright. I'm taking that as a standing offer, though.”

That's more like him. “Do you mind if I clean a bit while you shower?”

“Go for it.”

I left him alone and heard the shower start a moment later. The closet right across from the bathroom had clean linens, and I dug in his bedroom drawers until I found some clean – or rather, folded – clothes. He'd probably like a soft, red Henley and sweatpants. They weren't the most attractive clothes in the world, but when you felt like shit, sometimes you had to dress like shit because it was comfortable.

I left the clothes and towel on a clean spot of the bathroom counter, then returned to his room to clean up the worst of it. The stray cigarettes and tipped over beer cans and bottles were my first target. I emptied the ashtrays in the garbage bin, too.

A while later, the bathroom door opened with a squeak and Robert stomped into his room. I turned to look at him and smiled. He looked ten times better, now that his hair and face were clean. The red, long sleeve Henley hugged his body, as did the sweatpants, and I hoped he didn't think I had ulterior motives in picking them out.

“Feeling better?” I asked.

“Yeah. Thanks.” He scratched his beard and looked between me and what I was doing. “I'm hungry, though, and I haven't restocked the fridge yet.”

I straightened up and looked down at my work. There weren't any cigarettes on the floor now, at least. “You could come over and I'll make you breakfast.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“Of course! Eating healthy is part of feeling healthy, which is why I avoid it at all costs – lest you decide you _actually_ want to harvest my organs at some point.”

Robert's lips curled up and he slowly chuckled. “I haven't forgotten that your organs are laden with junk food.”

I led him over to my house after he checked that Betsy had enough food and water to be left alone, and I sat him down at the counter on a stool.

“Two eggs, or three?” I asked as I took out eggs, sausage, cheddar, and butter.

“Two. No, three,” he said.

“Raspberry or blueberry jam?”

“Pineapple.”

“I've never even _heard_ of pineapple jam, much less have any.”

I turned to see Robert grinning to himself like he told a hilarious joke. It was nice to see him smiling again, when half an hour earlier he looked like he was ready to lay down and di—

Uh… that hurt to think about.

Robert let me cook in silence, and I served him cheesy scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast with raspberry jam after a few minutes.

“How dare you. This isn't the pineapple I ordered,” he said in mock outrage.

“What am I, a restaurant? You should be more grateful of everything I do for you, young man.”

Robert laughed as he took a bite of toast. I sat across from him and ate my breakfast, making sure he ate every bite of his.

Amanda slowly walked into the kitchen, and stopped at the sight of Robert, who downed a big glass of orange juice right after. “Mr. Small?”

He almost spat up his juice in surprise, and coughed when he swallowed. “Hey there, kiddo,” he choked out, looking at her over his shoulder.

“You can call me Amanda, you know. What are you doing here?”

Robert grimaced in pain and pounded his chest with a fist. “Your dad invited me over for breakfast.”

“You didn’t see my note?” I asked.

“You mean the piece of paper in the sink that I ruined by accident when I ran the water?”

I sighed and kneaded the bridge of my nose. Cheap sticky notes were the worst. “Nevermind.”

“I’ve never seen you without your leather jacket,” she said as she sat at the counter next to him. “For a while I was starting to think it was part of you.”

Robert smiled around a cough. “You’re half-right,” he wheezed. “I just shed my last one and I’m waiting for a new one to grow in.”

“Be careful what you tell me,” Amanda said. “I might be a federal informant.”

Robert spun to face her and pointed accusingly. “Who are you and what do you know about me?!”

“Come on, Amanda,” I said, holding back a smile.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that I know anything about you, Mr. Small.” She leaned in close, widened her eyes, and whispered to him. “I can only tell you they’re watching.”

Robert giggled helplessly and my heart skipped a beat. He started coughing again and buried his face in his bicep. “Can I get some water?” he rasped.

“Sure. You okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” I handed him a glass and he gratefully sipped. “Thanks.”

“You ready to go back?” I asked.

Amanda’s eyes immediately snapped to me. “Go back where?”

“I’m just helping Robert with a few things this morning.”

“Oh, okay. Don’t get caught.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t get caught?”

She didn’t elaborate, only said “Don’t get caught,” again.

“We won’t.”

Robert and I walked back over to his house. The sun had fully asserted its dominance over the clouds, and it was starting to warm up.

“Your daughter’s adorable,” he said as he unlocked the front door. “Sharp as a tack, too.”

“Yeah, she really is. So now that I’ve hopefully improved your mood, what do you need done?”

Robert stared at everything and nothing. Clothes littered the living room, as did empty booze glasses on the bar. The only thing organized was his movie and record collection on the shelves. He bent over and picked up Betsy’s leash. The sweatpants hugged his butt _far_ too well, and I willed down any hint of a boner. “Can you just help me clean a bit? This place is a mess. To put it lightly.”

“Of course. Where do you want to start?”

“Um…” Robert scratched his face, his beard rasping against his fingernails. “Let’s start with my room. Can you do some laundry for me? I’ll help you get it all ready.”

Together Robert and I gathered up all the dirty clothing from his room. None of it smelled good, but… I wasn’t here to judge. I was here to help him. We kept getting sidetracked by cleaning up trash, but we filled several baskets of clothing. He sent me downstairs to the laundry room. I loaded darks into the washer and started it on the ‘heavy soil level’ cycle – just to be sure. I wanted everything to be clean, if I could help it.

Speaking of cleaning, the laundry room was also in disorder. I started organizing detergents, fabric softeners, dirty towels and various cleaning solutions, which he apparently kept there. It was a chore to get the laundry started with everything so disorganized. Some things weren’t even labeled. There was a bucket of white powder with the label ripped off and a bottle of thick blue liquid that could be dish soap, but could also be anything.

After I got it in a satisfactory situation, with everything somewhat organized in the cabinets above the machines, I backtracked to Robert’s room. I found him standing in the middle of the room, staring at a photo in his hands. As I approached him, I realized something was horribly wrong. He had tears streaming down his face and staining his shirt, and he looked flush red.

“Robert?” I looked at the photo from the side; in it, a young Robert stood with a woman and a young girl with a toothy grin. He and the girl looked happy – the woman, less so. One of the corners was stained yellow from old beer. “Hey, you okay…?” It was a terribly stupid question, but I wasn’t sure what else I could say.

“I found a photo of Marilyn and Val,” he murmured, his voice quavering with grief.

I nodded in understanding, though he didn’t look at me.

“Look at it. Marilyn’s stained with booze, and Val has cigarette ashes on her.” Try as he might to rub them away with his thumb, the photo stayed burned, wrinkled, and discolored. His expression turned down in hate. He angrily tossed the photo toward the sliding glass doors and it fluttered to the floor. “And isn’t that just a _perfect_ metaphor for how I fuck up everything in my life with alcohol and drugs!”

I winced, but resisted backing away. “I…”

Robert let out an ugly sniff and wiped tears away from his eyes with the end of a sleeve. “I ruined my marriage and I ruined my daughter’s childhood because I just couldn’t stop drinking, or smoking, or—” He choked back a sob. “—just… getting plastered or something.”

I slowly walked into his line of sight and my heart broke at his anguished face sopping wet from tears. “Robert?”

“I ruined everything!” He looked in my eyes, his own full of anger and pain, his face soaked and his lip trembling almost bringing me to tears, seeing all his self-hatred in one moment that I knew would haunt me forever. “I – I just…”

I put my hand on his shoulder and gently stroked. I swallowed, bracing myself and hoping to whatever higher power existed to give me the wisdom to say what he needed, to say something that could heal his broken heart, even a little. “Do you remember what I told you, that night we spent together, before you left?”

He sniffed and whimpered. “What?”

“I told you that – that we can only be a bit better than we were yesterday. We can't change this,” I murmured, pointing at the photo. “But you're doing what you can, to live a better life, to be a better person, and father. Right?”

Robert bit his lip and a new stream of tears flowed. I hoped to God I was saying the right things.

“It's gonna be okay.” I moved closer and stroked his back. “Just take things a day at a time. I'm here for you, Robert, and I'm rooting for you.”

He slammed his eyes shut and let out a loud sob. His sleeve was filthy now, but he wiped his face off with it. “Okay,” he whispered.

I went in to hug him, and he curled around me as I patted his back. “It'll be okay.”

I rocked him back and forth as he held me in his room. My heart pounded in my chest against him, anxiety and worry flooding me. I just wanted him to feel better.

Robert drew away after a few minutes of hugging. He grabbed some tissues from the nightstand and cleaned his face off. “Sorry I'm such a mess. Standing here, crying my eyes out in front of you.”

I sat us down on the end of his bed, not letting my hand off his back. “It's okay to cry if you need to get it out. It's okay to need someone when you're feeling like this.”

He reached for my free hand and held it between his. It felt like a warm and tender, grateful touch. His breathing still came shallow as he resisted sobbing. “She died hating me,” he said between gasps. “I don't want her to hate me, but I just – I couldn't do better. I couldn't stop my addictions. _Now_ I'm getting a hold on them, but it's twenty years too late.”

“It's never too late to turn your life around.” He stroked my hand between his big, scarred fingers in thought. Robert had so much capacity for love and tenderness in him, and seeing it behind a blockade of self-loathing was such agony that my eyes blurred from tears. “It's going to be okay. Just don't give up, alright?”

He lifted his gaze to look me in the eyes again. They followed down my face and I felt a tear roll down my cheeks. Maybe seeing me so upset for him resonated deep in him, because he nodded and clenched his jaw. “I won't. I won’t give up.” He released my hand, and I let go of his back as he stood up from his bed. “I need a smoke after that to calm down though, Jesus.”

I followed him downstairs to the living room, where he picked up his e-cig box from the bar. He took a deep drag off one and exhaled in a huge cloud of vapor. When he picked up a bottle of beer, I wasn't sure whether he intended to drink it or not. He looked up at me, and back at the bar. “I want all of this gone.”

I didn’t expect _that._ “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” He blew smoke on the collection of mixed alcohol, as if to show his disdain for it. With his e-cig, he gestured toward the bar. “I want every drop gone. Help me pour this all down the sink.”

We each picked up a good ten or so containers combined and brought them in the kitchen. One by one, we dumped them down the drain without ceremony or remorse. Every empty bottle or can clanging in the recycling bin was like a clarion call of willpower overcoming a vice. It took a few round trips until there was only one thing left: the box of White Zinfandel. He stared at the bottle for a few moments of silent contemplation.

“You want me to do it?” I asked.

He looked up at me and gave pause. His beautiful golden eyes locked with mine for a few intimate seconds. “No. I'll do it.” He uncorked it and slowly, carefully poured it down the drain until there wasn't any alcohol left in the house.

I patted him on the shoulder and rubbed a bit. “I'm really proud of you, Robert.”

“Really?” he asked, sounding quiet and hopeful, like he'd given me a fragile piece of his soul for safekeeping.

“I am. It's not easy to do what you're doing, but it'll be worth it.”

His expression turned down. “I just… wish I had done this a long time ago.”

“Don't think of the past, think of the present. Think of what you can do now.”

He threw the bottle in the recycling bin in an underhand toss that shattered it when it landed. “Oops!” The big grin he gave looked gorgeous, and I laughed along with him.

We went back to his room, and I took notice of something standing in the corner I somehow missed before. “Is that a yoga mat?”

Rolled up and standing on one end was a green yoga mat.

“Uh… yeah, it is.”

“I didn't know you did yoga.”

“Yeah, about that…” I turned to face him, only to see a guilty look. “I don't do yoga. I only – last year ago there was this couple that I…” he ducked his head in shame. “I only wanted a threesome with them and they were super into it. I thought ‘hey, if they're into yoga, bet they can do some kinky shit.’ I gave up pursuit pretty quickly though.”

Rather than ask how come, I opted for the more positive approach. “Did you like it when you tried?”

“Kinda?” He shrugged. “I mean… I wouldn't go out and randomly do it again.”

Maybe it'd be a good hobby for him. I had no idea how much he exercised, although he at least looked like his adventurous lifestyle kept him thin, judging by the reflection I saw earlier, and how well he filled his shirt. It was something for him to do – maybe something to do together. I could bond with someone over yoga, given the chance. I wasn’t sure if I’d like it, but it was _technically_ exercising.

“What if I went with you?”

Robert slowly smiled, brightening up his tear-stained face. “You want to?”

“Yeah! Why would I turn down quality time with you?”

“I still have some yoga pants somewhere around here… did you find them while doing the laundry?”

“I don't remember seeing any, no. I only did the darks from your room, though.”

He paced the room in thought. “Bet they're in the living room.”

“I'll get some yoga clothes and a mat, if you like.”

“Okay!” He looked genuinely excited now. It was like all the pieces of how to improve his mood were falling into place. “I think the gym Craig raves about has a public yoga class. We should go together.”

Robert and I scoured the house for all the clothing we could find. He discovered the yoga pants under the living room table, along with a yoga shirt nearby.

It took a few hours but we did all his laundry, cleaned the living room, his bedroom, and the filthy bathroom. By the end of it, my poor back ached and I had to call quits.

“I can't do anymore,” I groaned after taking out another trash bag.

Robert looked a bit worse for wear. I knew I needed a shower, but I could tell from afar he needed another shower. Cleaning as much as we did wasn't easy.

Robert groaned and pushed a hand against his lower back. “I can't either. I need to stop. I'm too old to do this all day.” I laughed and he glared. “Can't believe I said that…”

“Should I leave you be for now?”

Robert let out a heavy sigh and looked at the sparkling clean bathroom. His bedroom looked pristine after a going over with a vacuum after everything else we did. The living room looked livable.

“I think that's good, yeah.” He went in for the grossest, sweatiest hug I've ever shared with another man, but as he stroked my back I knew there wasn't anything I'd rather do with my day than be there for him when he really needed it. “Thank you,” he murmured.

I pulled away and looked in his eyes, if only to see how pretty they were. I didn't say anything, remembering what he always said about small talk.

“I need some time alone to think about what you said.”

“Okay. Don't be afraid to reach out to me if you need something, whether that be a laugh or a shoulder to cry on or just…” I shrugged. “I don't know, an adventure.”

“Or if I want to whittle in silence.”

“Or tell ghost stories to strangers.”

He broke into a big grin. “You really made my day a hell of a lot better. Thanks.”

An idea percolated in my mind. Maybe I shouldn't, but… “Hey, do you wanna come over for dinner and hang out?”

Robert rubbed his face with a palm. “Let me think… I have no food, no company, what kind of question is that? Of course, I'll come over.”

“Great! How does six thirty sound?”

He turned to look over his shoulder at a dead clock on the wall, which was at seven thirty-eight. “Well, it's almost two thirty right now.”

Wait, what now? How’d he know that?

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“But… that clock is dead?”

Robert looked me in the eyes. “I have an excellent sense of time. That or I looked at my phone a few minutes ago. Or maybe I didn't. Who knows. I'll see you at six thirty.”

“Have a good afternoon!”

Six thirty was a long time for a man like Robert to go without eating, if he didn’t have any food.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Panda, Robert’s gonna be here soon. Can you get _Long Haul Ice Road Paranormal Ghost Truckers_ ready?”

“Dad, please, it’s Long Haul _Paranormal Ice Road_ Ghost Truckers.”

While Amanda busied herself with that, I called up the local pizza place. Amanda may have ordered just two days ago, but I figured it'll be more loyalty rewards. Or something like that.

At six thirty-four, someone knocked on the door. I got the cash ready just in case, but it was Robert who awaited me.

“Good evening,” he said in as charming a voice as he could muster. “Is four minutes considered ‘fashionably late’ when you're the only guest?”

“I don't think so,” I chuckled. I beckoned him in and he took note of what was on the TV.

“Is that _Ice Road Ghost Truckers?”_

“The one and only!” Amanda said. “This is season two on DVD.”

“Season two was way better than season one,” Robert said as he sat down on the couch. I noticed he'd changed into a gray Henley, but he had his jacket again.

“Your new jacket grew in?” Amanda asked.

“Takes about a day for it to come back,” he said with a completely serious expression.

Amanda put a finger to her ear and whispered, “Target exhibits regenerative exoskeleton, proceed with caution.”

“I knew it!” Robert yelled, pointing wide-eyed and crazed at Amanda. She cackled and started an episode of _Truckers._ I took a seat next to him and resisted the urge to throw an arm over his shoulder and instead clasped my hands in my lap.

It was both a little weird and refreshing to see Robert doing something as mundane as watching TV. He was such an eccentric person that, for some reason seeing it grounded him a bit more. I hoped Amanda liked him. Maybe someday he could be her father, too.

My heart melted a little bit at the thought. It was far too soon to be thinking or hoping for things like that, but I filed it away in the Hopes and Dreams box in my mind.

The doorbell rang. Robert looked over his shoulder and out the window to see who it was.

“Pizza!” Amanda shrieked in excitement.

Robert looked between her and me, his lips curling up as reality sunk in. I answered the door and paid the delivery woman plus a generous tip, then brought the extra-large pizza into the kitchen. Amanda danced around like she scored a three pointer in the last minute of a basketball game until I opened the box to reveal an extra-large Hawaiian.

Robert gasped at my side. “My favorite!”

“Aww,” Amanda muttered. “I don't like pineapple on pizza…”

“Hey,” Robert said. “Hey. Pineapple on pizza is a delightful juxtaposition of sour fruit and tangy sauce. It's one of the few things in life I truly and genuinely enjoy, okay. Don’t you dare take this from me.”

Amanda went wide eyed. I wondered if Robert went too far, but she smiled. “Well, when you use such fancy words to describe it, there's gotta be _some_ merit to it.”

We all took a big slice and piled onto the couch to resume watching _Truckers._ Robert happily gorged himself on pizza.

When the episode ended, Amanda picked up the remote to skip to the next episode, but Robert held a hand out in protest. “Hold on, don't skip the credits.”

“What now?”

“A lot of people worked to make this episode a reality, Amanda,” Robert said. He gestured toward the credits streaming down the screen. “I want to give credit where credit is due. See, you can thank Ann Frazier for doing lighting coordination.”

Thankfully Robert didn't verbally thank anyone else, lest Amanda think it less charming than I did when we snuck into that movie theatre. Or maybe he only did that because we were both drunk. It certainly annoyed the other moviegoers.

I felt a little bad that I thought my own daughter would find him annoying. Robert was so special to me that it was hard not to look at everything he did with rose-tinted glasses.

Robert stood up and stretched, his shirt lifting a bit to show flat furry belly. I covered my lap, just in case. “I need a smoke. Mind if I do it in here?”

“Do e-cigs leave a smell?”

Robert shook his head and he took out his charging box. “You'll probably notice it while I'm smoking but not after.” Amanda queued the next episode while Robert took a deep drag. “Never start smoking, Amanda,” he said, vapor puffing out of his mouth. “You'll never be able to stop. It's a terrible habit to form.”

“Okay. What about vaping? Cuz to be honest, you look pretty damn cool doing it.”

Robert took another drag and blew it above him like a smoke stack. He really did look cool doing it – and my dick apparently thought it was attractive, too. “Nope. Don't even try it.”

“Man, even after two slices I'm still hungry,” Amanda said. She got up and started toward the kitchen.

“Hey there, Still Hungry,” Robert said, vapor coming out his nose.

“Don't.”

“I'm Robert.” Robert had a shit-eating grin, as he held back a laugh.

Amanda groaned and I let out a loud chuckle. “You dork.”

Robert shrugged and put away his e-cig. “She left the opening, I just took the opportunity.” He sat down next to me on the couch, but stood up again right away. “Whoops, I just remembered I wanted more pizza, too.”

I smiled against my will and quickly schooled my expression, lest he or Amanda see it and figure out just how smitten I was. Robert knew already, but he didn't need external pressure to work through his issues faster.

We watched more _Truckers,_ laughed at ridiculous ghost stories Robert told, and polished off the entire pizza over the course of the evening. When we finished off a DVD, Robert glanced at the clock on the wall. “It's almost eleven already? Where'd the evening go?”

“Holy shit,” Amanda exclaimed.

“I guess I better mosey on home.” Robert stood and stretched again, his shirt riding up. He turned toward me as he did, giving me an up close and personal view of his flat tummy covered in soft, dark hair.

My mouth went dry looking at him. I wasn't a man of complex needs or wants, nor was I above more carnal desires. I'd never speak ill will of Robert, but damn him giving me a stiffy when my _daughter_ was in the room.

“Hey Panda?”

“Yeah, Dad?”

“Can you clean up the kitchen for me while I see Robert out?”

“Sure!”

Amanda clambered off the couch and off toward the kitchen. While Robert stretched his legs, I took the opportunity to trap my cock against my lap with my waistband. It never failed in college, it certainly wouldn't fail now.

I followed Robert outside, almost tripping over the garden hose for some reason laid across the sidewalk.

“Oh, yeah, watch out for that,” Robert chuckled. He turned to look at me and paused. His lips were curled up in a small, affectionate smile. After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. “You really made today something to remember.”

My pulse picked up as I stared at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. This morning I—” His face fell into a tired frown. “Well, you know how it went, already. But you came in and turned everything around. Spending the day with you, spending the evening with your daughter was wonderful. Thank you.”

His words were so touching they left me totally speechless. I went in for a hug and he opened his arms up to hold me close. He sighed when I patted his back.

My boner came back. What wonderful timing.

When I pulled away I focused every iota of brain power on what I wanted him to know – and not on how wonderful he felt in my arms, or how good he smelled, or how much I wished he were ready for something more intimate.

“If you ever feel like that again, if you ever want to give up, or…” I choked up a bit. “Or if you ever feel like doing something much darker…”

Robert hung onto every word, a look on his face of both concern and somewhat terrifying understanding of what I meant.

“Don't be afraid to let me know, okay? Don't be afraid to ask if you need someone. It's not a burden or a bother if it means I can help you.”

Robert's gaze traveled down toward the ground. He looked humbled, maybe a bit sheepish in stark contrast to the confident façade he put on for the rest of the world. It startled me a bit when he let out a loud sniff and brushed his face off with a sleeve.

“Okay.”

Sometimes less is more, when it came to words. Robert brought me in for a quick hug again, and said goodnight. I watched him walk past the Christiansen’s yard and unlock his door. Betsy barked excitedly when he walked in. I turned back toward my own home, to return to my daughter, and get a good night’s sleep.

In bed, though, I tossed and turned, the vision of Robert at his worst keeping me awake.

_‘I ruined everything!’_

His was the face of a man broken and beaten from years of his own vicious words, tear-stained in almost abject despair. It weighed heavy on my heart as I lay sleepless, hoping he wouldn't tell himself that again for a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a few days since Robert came over for dinner and socialized. I checked in with him over Dadbook a few times, and he sent me messages to let me know he was okay. It was a massive departure from his previous behavioral patterns.

Mostly it was nice to know he was doing things he needed to do for himself.

“Hey Dad,” Amanda greeted as I dragged myself into the kitchen to make something for breakfast.

“Good morning.”

“Come on,” she scoffed. “I can tell it's not. You look tired.”

“Alright, you got me. I was hitting the streets a bit too hard last night—”

“Doing what?” she asked, a skeptical eyebrow raised.

“Doing hard drugs, of course.”

“Really? Name one.”

Nothing came to mind. “Uh… shit.”

Amanda burst out laughing. “Is that what you _did_ or your reaction to being called out?”

“The latter, I assure you.”

While I poured some bran cereal that was supposed to be good for you – Amanda eating the cinnamon cereal I _actually_ wanted – she stared at me in thought. Maybe my bathrobe wasn't on right? Did my hair look wrong?

“We should invite Mr. Small over again. He was fun.”

_Oh, thank God it was just that._

“He's a really interesting guy, don't you think?”

I sat down across from Amanda and noticed her face light up.

“I liked his ghost stories, especially the Dover Ghost. I think I'm gonna need you to buy me a leather jacket now, though. Like, buy me one five minutes ago.”

“Maybe for your birthday.”

Amanda frowned and dejectedly ate her cinnamon swirls cereal. I swear it feels like an insult to adults that they think I don't know the swirls are why kids love them.

“Maybe when you go away to college.”

“Yes!” She gave an excited fist pump and immediately started texting someone.

My Dadbook app beeped. I dug my phone out of my bathrobe pocket and checked what it was.

From: Robert  
you busy today

Amanda was still texting with a big grin, so…

To: Robert  
Not if I can help it. What's up?

From: Robert  
can you go somewhere with me for a few hours?  
it's kind of important

To: Robert  
Sure

From: Robert  
okay i'll pick you up @ 1:30  
that ok?

To: Robert  
That's fine

“Did you need me for anything important today? I can't remember.”

“Nah, you're off the hook.” Amanda gave me finger guns and I resisted a smile as long as I could.

I wondered what Robert needed me for.

 

* * *

 

I wasn't sure how to dress for whatever – or wherever – Robert was bringing me. I opted for semi casual; unless he was bringing me to a fancy gala or a dive or something like that, you couldn't go wrong with semi casual.

A little before one thirty, I got a text on Dadbook.

From: Robert  
coming by now

Ah, there he was. He pulled into my driveway and waved to where I stood in the living room.

“Amanda, I'm leaving for a few hours!”

“Okay!” she yelled from her bedroom.

When I climbed into Robert's truck, I immediately noticed he'd opted for semi casual too. Or rather, he eschewed his jacket and wore a slightly nicer shirt.

“Where're we headed, today?” I asked as Robert pulled out of the cul de sac.

He didn't answer, but I noticed his face was a bit red. What on earth could it be? This wasn't a date, that's for sure.

We drove downtown in silence. Robert drummed his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of Tom Waits, but I noticed a tremor to his movements, and at a stoplight he dug an e-cig out of his pocket and took a deep drag.

“Robert? Are you okay?”

After he exhaled all the vapor out the open window, he sighed and carded his fingers through his hair. “No.”

After two more stoplights, he pulled into the parking garage for a building I've never been to. I missed what the signs said, so I was entirely in the dark.

We rode an elevator up in silence, and he brought me to an office in silence. Behind a desk in a waiting room decorated with plants and soothing art on the walls, a secretary greeted us.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“Um, I have an appointment. With – with Dr. Taft.”

I looked around the waiting room for some kind of clue. There were pamphlets on a low coffee table. I walked over, trying for nonchalant and idle wandering to get a better look.

They were all… psychotherapy info packets?

“Robert Small?” asked the secretary.

“Yes.”

“Did you bring an intake survey?”

“I… didn't get one,” Robert murmured.

“That's okay. We need you to fill out these forms for our system real quick. It should take ten to fifteen minutes.”

Robert and I sat down on a couch. I idly played with my phone, checking my email as he wrote on the clipboard. Out of sheer, invasive curiosity, I glanced at what he was writing.

The question said, ‘What made you seek counseling at this time?’ Robert had penciled in, ‘i fell for someone but i want to be a better person for him and me first.’

I felt a strange mix of emotions that I couldn't quite put names to. Pride? Anxiety? Longing? I wasn't sure what the simultaneous cold and warm I felt in my chest was.

‘What do you want out of counseling?’ ‘better relationship with my daughter’. ‘to not hate myself’. ‘stop destroying myself’. ‘feel worthy of love’.

Poor Robert hurt so badly and wanted to feel better so badly he sought out counseling and brought me with him for some reason. Was he nervous about what I'd say? Embarrassed? Was he nervous about the doctor?

Oh, hey, he’s left-handed. Cool. Also, he doesn’t dot his I’s.

I ignored his paperwork after that, feeling bad enough that I had seen something so personal. Apparently after finishing, he brought it up to the secretary.

“I just need the first sheet, give the rest to Dr. Taft.”

He sat down with me again and tapped his foot, lightly shaking the entire couch.

“Hey,” I whispered.

He looked at me in question, his brows raised.

“It'll be ok.”

He took a deep breath and exhaled with a nod, but he jumped in his seat when someone opened a door that went deeper into the office, the lock ratcheting loudly.

“Mr. Small?”

Robert glanced at me and tilted his head toward the attendant and stood. He apparently wanted me to go with him.

We were led down a hallway decorated with more art and ushered into a cozy office. It had more plants, a comfortable couch and chairs, a table with a tea set and executive toys, and a bookshelf full of psychology textbooks.

“Dr. Taft, I presume?” Robert asked of the young(ish) man in argyle sitting in one of the chairs. His horn-rimmed glasses made him look wise beyond his years.

“You'd presume correct!” He stood and offered a hand to Robert. “Jason Taft, a pleasure to meet you.”

“Robert Small, but please call me Robert.”

Dr. Taft looked at me inquisitively. “Ah, who's this?”

“This is, um… my friend, Matt.”

“Oh? I wasn't made aware you'd be bringing someone else in with you. Are you seeking counseling together?” he asked, gesturing between us with his fingers.

“No, he's – he's moral support.”

“Okay, I can work with that if you can. Tea?”

“Uh… sure.”

I'd never seen Robert as nervous and jittery as he was. Dr. Taft poured him scalding hot water from the electric kettle, and Robert picked out a raspberry tea.

The doctor spent a few minutes reading Robert's intake form while Robert silently tapped his foot with his arms crossed. His hands still shook and he occasionally had to wipe them off on his pants. I wanted to hold his hand just to let him know I was here with him, that he didn't have to be afraid.

“Okay Robert, I finished reading your forms. We can get to that soon, but first I want to let you know a bit about myself.”

Dr. Taft explained his credentials and alumnus status, then went into detail about his specialties. A few stuck out to me: _LGBT-friendly, Depression, Trauma,_ and _Drug Abuse._ Also, _Histrionic Personality Disorder,_ whatever that was. He explained this was a safe space to discuss almost anything and that what was said in here was confidential unless subpoenaed or in case of suspicion of harming or gross neglect of another, oneself, or especially a child. It all seemed reasonable to me, and Robert nodded along.

“So, I have a few questions about your intake survey. Under ‘What do you want out of counseling’, you put ‘stop destroying myself’. Could you tell me a few of the things you do that ‘destroys’ you?”

“Well, uh… I used to drink, a lot. I smoke a lot, still, but I switched to vaping. My daughter made me quit.”

Dr. Taft wrote down some things. “Anything else?”

Robert scratched his beard, then the back of his head, and gave a shaky exhale. “I used sex a lot, as an escape, I guess.”

“An escape?”

“Whenever I – whenever I felt like shit I'd go find someone and just fuck ‘em to forget that I hated myself for a while.”

“I see.”

I looked at my poor friend Robert as he divulged all his problems to Dr. Taft. I couldn't believe he was comfortable sharing them around me. Sometimes he looked at me as he said something that seemed particularly personal, as if he were telling _me_ instead of his counselor.

Maybe it was the doctor he was uncomfortable telling. I hope he'd figured out by now that I wasn't judging him.

I noticed as he spoke, in the well-lit office, that his teeth looked almost perfectly white. Maybe he—

Wait. He had his teeth cleaned and bleached. I didn't realize they were so yellowed from smoking before seeing them now. I also realized his voice sounded smoother. Maybe a bit more soothing.

I was head over heels for this man.

 

* * *

 

When Robert's appointment ended, he scheduled his next one for two days from now. Dr. Taft gave him some homework to do – noticing when he feels depressed and writing down what thoughts were going through his mind.

The secretary validated his parking and after we climbed in his truck, he turned to look at me for a few moments.

“Thank you for coming with me, today,” he said.

“Of course.”

He looked thoughtful and maybe a bit distant. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you where we were going. I kind of…” Robert looked down at the floor of the truck. “I guess I thought if I told you, you'd judge me or something. I was already embarrassed enough.”

“Hey,” I said, and he lifted his gaze. “What you did wasn't easy. Not many men have the courage to admit they need professional help.”

Robert looked sad and almost dejected as he pulled an e-cig out of his pocket.

“I know you aren't proud of what you've done in the past, but… I still—” _care for you._ “—I'm still proud of you.”

Robert smiled around the cig between his lips. He started the car and drove us home, quietly singing along to the radio. His singing voice sounded nicer, too.

 

* * *

 

While I didn’t forget about asking Robert to do yoga with me – which I just realized sounds a little bit dirty – it took me a bit to get to it.

Shopping for yoga clothing was far more complicated than it needed to be. There were long pants, short pants, actual shorts, Kung Fu and Tai Chi pants, warm-up pants, Dhoti pants (which had a weirdly big crotch area), Thai Fisherman pants, Sutra pants…

I just wanted normal yoga pants, why must life be so complicated?

It took almost an hour to find pants and a yoga top that fit me. The clerk wasn’t experienced with yoga clothing and most of the pants were either too long or _felt_ too long. At least the shirt went quickly. By the time I settled on something and paid, I had picked out blue yoga pants, a light blue short-sleeve shirt, and a white yoga hoodie (they have yoga hoodies, apparently). The yoga mat was – blessedly – a quick pick.

Now it was just a matter of figuring out when classes ran.

 

* * *

 

Classes were on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at ten, ran by a volunteer teacher at the gym. The fact that it was free was nice.

To: Robert  
Yoga classes are every tuesday and thursday at 10 am   
You wanna terrorize the suburban moms tomorrow or thursday??

During breakfast about an hour later – after Amanda had risen from the dead, poured orange juice in her cereal instead of milk, and after I burned the bacon – I got a reply on Dadbook.

From: Robert  
tuesday’s class won’t know what hit em

To: Robert  
Awesome, I’ll pick you up at 9:30?

From: Robert  
cryptid hunting until 4  
yoga at 10  
sounds like a wild day

To: Robert  
Cool

 

* * *

 

At nine thirty, Tuesday morning, I walked over to Robert’s house in my new yoga clothes and sandals – after insisting to Amanda that you should never drive with sandals or flipflops for safety’s sake. Robert was apparently waiting; when I knocked on the door and Betsy started barking, I heard him rapidly stomp down the stairs. He stopped right at the front door and calmly opened it.

“Ready to go?” I asked, but my heart fluttered in my chest at the sight of him.

Robert looked _great_ in yoga pants – blue yoga pants.

“Nice, we match,” he said, gesturing toward my legs.

I tried to hold back a laugh, but a big grin split my face. “You nerd.”

“Hey,” Robert said in mock offense. “At least I’m not ‘other nerd.’”

“What?” I asked, bewildered.

“You haven’t seen Mary’s map of the cul de sac?” Robert looked mortally offended. “Oh my God, you’re missing out.”

“I haven’t even seen Mary herself since we stopped bar hopping.”

“Yeah, that’ll make it hard to spend time with her. Your only other option is visiting her house, and that means having to put up with the creepy twins. Or her husband.” He shuddered and made a repulsed face.

Robert and I walked to my car side by side, bumping shoulders together every few steps. I’d honestly begun to think of Robert as my best friend, and for some reason this moment – in comfortable silence, walking to yoga class together – really drove it home. Even Craig hadn’t been able to get me interested in going to the gym on the regular. Granted, this was for _yoga,_ not for weightlifting or getting flung off treadmills into walls.

The gym was only a ten-minute drive away. I thought maybe we could walk, but I wasn’t sure if we’d make it. It’d be a nice way to wake up (again), though. Or warm up. Or something.

It’d be nice to spend the time with him.

I opted to drive, even though driving to a gym felt a bit hypocritical. I wasn’t Craig, or anything after all. I was in decent shape for the life I lived. It just seemed like he ran everywhere.

“Shotgun gets to pick the music,” I said to Robert.

“Driver picks the music.”

“Not when _you’re_ shotgun.”

“Are you trying to butter me up?” Robert asked, with a sly grin.

“No? Am I ‘other nerd’?”

“No, that's Hugo.”

Robert picked his favorite station for the very short drive. Without traffic it took us five minutes. A lady at the front desk directed us to the yoga classroom, which was populated mostly by a bunch of middle-aged women, with a few deviations here and there. When we walked in, I noticed a few of them whisper and point at Robert. I resisted the urge to do something like wrap an arm around him and kiss him on the cheek, to stake a claim so to speak. Once after he came back from Brooklyn was enough – at least until he was ready.

The yoga instructor – a fit lady in her late twenties – fiddled with a stereo at the front of the classroom. After a few button presses, quiet, relaxing music poured out of the speakers in every corner of the room.

“Hi everyone, lovely Tuesday, isn't it? I see we have some new students! Please, make yourselves at home in the back, and make sure to give yourselves plenty of space around you.”

Robert set up his mat in the corner and made sure we had at least an arm’s length radius to ourselves. “Just follow her instructions as best you can,” he told me, right before she started.

The instructor had purposefully covered the clock with a decorative cloth. Losing track of time was effortless as she guided us through numerous poses. They all had silly names, like ‘downward dog’ or ‘cat-cow pose.’ She ended the class with ‘Savasana,’ a pose apparently designed to relax you.

I lay on my back, my legs in position, but I couldn't relax. Without anything to focus on, every mild discomfort or slight itch in my body magnified into a persistent irritation. I glanced at Robert, who looked fully immersed in the pose, his eyes closed and his body fully still.

The instructor quietly roused us from the pose, and I stood without hesitation to get my sandals and roll up my mat. It wasn't until everyone else had left that Robert broke the pose and opened his eyes. He let out a content sigh and stood, getting his belongings in order before we left the gym.

On the way home, every time I looked at him, he seemed like a totally different person. He looked relaxed, clean, and… peaceful.

“You look like you enjoyed the class,” I said.

“I haven't been this relaxed in years.” He turned to meet my gaze. “How about you?”

I scratched my stubble in thought. “I've never been to one before, but it was interesting. Everything feels so limber… except my knee. What about that ‘Savasana’ pose?”

“Hm?”

“I couldn't clear my mind. It was like every little thing that wasn't right in my body wanted my attention. Did you do it right?”

“I don't really think there's a ‘right’ way to do it. I'm not sure how I did it, but it felt great.”

“I'm glad you enjoyed it. You wanna go back again?”

Robert smiled wide at me. “Absolutely.”

 

* * *

 

“Can we talk about your wife?”

Dr. Taft had a curious look on his face. I looked at Robert, who wore an expression of total impassivity. “I'd really rather not.”

“Okay. We don't have to.”

No one spoke for a few moments. I wondered if Dr. Taft had figured out what Robert thought about silence, yet.

“Okay, fine,” Robert conceded.

“What was your relationship with her like?”

Robert let out an exaggerated puff of air. “What _wasn't_ it like? I – she died in an accident a few years ago.”

“What kind of accident?”

“Car accident.”

“I'm sorry, that must have been agony for you.”

Robert rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Agony for a variety of reasons…”

“What might those be?”

“We didn't – our marriage was pretty badly strained. My addictions constantly got the better of me, leaving her with the worst of me.”

Dr. Taft tapped his lip with his pencil. “Could you tell me what you mean by that?”

“I—” He seemed to get frustrated easily whenever Dr. Taft asked him to elaborate on his feelings – which he did often, and for good reason. We’d only been to a few sessions so far, but already Robert had more than one angry outburst. Dr. Taft skillfully disarmed all of them and got right to the root of what made him upset in the first place. “I mean that… she always thought that I was a good man. That I had something in me that I couldn't see. My daughter…”

Seeing Robert shut down whenever he brought up Val made something deep in my heart ache. We both wished he could turn back the clock and give her a better father. Sometimes I wondered if anything could ever ease his regrets.

He spoke in a lower voice, now, as if afraid he'd break. “My daughter just wanted me to love her, and by God I did, with everything I had… but I loved drinking more.”

Dr. Taft wrote on his notepad.

“If she asked me to do something with her, like go out for pancakes or play outside before school and I followed up on it, it was an anomaly.”

Dr. Taft kept writing.

“Most of the time I'd be out drinking until three in the morning, and I'd have to sleep until well after she left for school, and sometimes I’d leave again before she even came home.” Robert hung his head, looking more devastated than I'd ever seen before. “She just wanted her father… and I just wasn't interested enough.”

Dr. Taft waited a few moments before he spoke up. “I'm sorry. I'm glad that you're trying to rekindle your relationship with her.”

“Well…” He looked at me with a sad smile. “If it weren't for Matt, I probably would have turned her away. I wouldn't be here, getting help either.”

I tried to give him as reassuring a smile as I could, and gently patted him on the back.

“How did your relationship with your daughter impact your marriage?”

“I really need a smoke…” he murmured as he rubbed his eyes, his face buried in his hands.

“Do you need a few moments?” Dr. Taft asked. “I know talking about this sort of thing can be really emotionally taxing.”

“Can I vape in here?”

“Sure, they’re odorless.”

Robert nodded and took out an e-cig. “Thanks.” He took a deep drag off it and puffed it out in a big cloud above his head. “My marriage was – by the end of it, it was in shambles. I'm certain Marilyn hated me because I couldn't – I couldn't be better. For her or for Val. I think she resented having to raise Val effectively by herself, and who wouldn’t?”

“When we’re so busy hating ourselves, it can be really difficult to see when someone’s trying to care for us.” Dr. Taft put his pencil down and crossed his legs, changing his appearance from curious to professional in an instant. “I know that breaking an addiction is extremely difficult – I quit smoking a few years ago, myself.”

“Oh, shit.” Robert panicked and tried to put his cigarette away. “Am I giving you cravings?”

Dr. Taft shrugged. “A little bit, but I’ll deal with it. If it helps you stay calm and level, I don’t mind.”

“Well… okay.” Robert took another reluctant drag.

“Did Marilyn do anything near the end of her life that made you think she hated you?”

Robert rubbed his face in thought, his beard scratching his palm. I stared at his tattoo – I often wondered what it meant, but tattoos tended to be personal. I didn’t feel comfortable asking about it.

“Well, she hid my cigarettes a few times. Took my keys so I couldn’t drive to bars. She often sounded weary or impatient when talking to me about my bad habits.”

“What do you mean?” Dr. Taft readied his notes again.

“Like… one day she begged me to go to AA. I insisted I didn’t want to be preached to about needing God to fix me or something, and she started—” Robert sighed and looked down between his shoes. “She started crying. Told me I was destroying myself and my daughter’s life. Told me I needed to get my life in order. That I needed help.”

“Did she ever threaten to leave you?”

“No. Not even once.”

“Hmm…”

Robert glanced at me, his brow furrowed.

“Sometimes mental health issues strain marriages and relationships, but often the depression – like the kind you suffer – colors everything in bleak tones. It’s easy to misinterpret disappointment and frustration as anger, but _especially_ as men. Men aren’t really taught that it’s okay to feel things other than anger, right?”

“Um… right.”

“How many times did she use words other than ‘angry’ to describe how she felt, only for you to think it was just a synonym for ‘angry’?”

“Pft… way more than I can count. That wasn’t specific to her, though.”

“If Marilyn never threatened to leave you, but you still think she hated you… why would she stay married to someone she hated? That doesn’t make much sense to me.”

Robert didn’t say anything. He crossed his arms in a guarded pose and took a few deep breaths.

Dr. Taft pointed at Robert with the end of his pencil. “She hid your cigarettes… tried to stop you from going to bars... said you were destroying yourself… said you needed to get your life in order… said you needed help... but she never threatened to leave you.”

Robert hesitantly nodded. “Right.”

“Robert, I think Marilyn cared so much that she wanted to help you fix yourself. And, near the end of her life it was upsetting her so much to see you ruining yourself with your bad habits, while also refusing to get help, that she started getting desperate.”

He slumped over, almost visibly shrinking. “You really think so?”

“I really don’t think she hated you. I think she just wanted to see you live up to the potential she saw in you. When you think of it in that light… don’t you agree?”

“She didn’t hate me…?” Robert asked, a few tears dripping down his face. I wanted to do something, to hug him or stroke his back to comfort him, but I wasn’t sure what he’d be comfortable with me doing in front of Dr. Taft. He ripped a few tissues out of the box on the table and patted his face dry. “She didn’t hate me?” he said, the pitch of his voice high and wavery. The tears started again and he sobbed into the tissues a few times.

I needed to do something to show him I was here for him. I gently petted his back, but he reached over his shoulder and took my hand in his, holding tight as he whimpered. He cried for a few minutes, never letting go of my hand, his eyes closed in pain as he let out his bottled-up sorrow.

“Oh my god… she didn’t hate me…” he whispered.

 

* * *

 

Robert didn’t say anything on our way out of the office. His face looked red from crying, and he met my eyes in the elevator in silent camaraderie. I just smiled and shifted a few inches closer to him. He followed suit until our shoulders brushed together. I think he had enough serious talk for one day.

 

* * *

 

From: Robert  
hey  
buddy  
Val will be in town tomorrow  
you wanna go bar hopping with us?

Bar hopping didn’t sound like the best idea for Robert to be doing, but he’d been doing so well I couldn’t _not_ give him a chance. It’d be nice to get to know his family more – hard to do that from here when she lived in Brooklyn. Maybe she could give me some insight into some other things that’d help him. Therapy and yoga were helping a lot, which I didn’t expect to say, but I guess he enjoyed the relaxation portion of class.

From: Robert  
i’m paying if it helps sweeten the deal

To: Robert  
As if I’d turn it down if you weren’t, of course I’ll go   
Warn your daughter, we’re gonna tear up the town

From: Robert  
hell yeeeea

 

* * *

 

Someone honked their car horn in my driveway at half past seven. I peeked out the window and saw Val and Robert sitting in her black sports car with the top down. I’d picked out something nice to wear – a red button-up the same color as Robert’s favorite shirt – but I wasn’t sure if we were going somewhere nice, to a dive, or something in between – or maybe all three.

“Hey nerd,” Val yelled over the rumble of the engine. She looked at me over the top of her designer sunglasses. “You ready to rock?”

“I didn’t dress like this to sit in all night and do nothing!”

“Yeah! Get in back.”

In a bout of impulsivity, I hopped over the car frame and landed squarely in the seat, rather than opening Val’s driver door to squeeze in.

“Hey Val, can I drive this time?” Robert asked. He had a hopeful smile and fluttered his eyelashes.

“Nobody drives my baby but me, sorry pops.”

Robert let out a disappointed ‘Aww,’ but looked back at me with a cheeky grin.

Val drove us downtown with the radio blasting. Robert smoked an e-cig in the passenger seat, puffing out huge clouds of vapor every chance he got. He looked back at me again and looked right in my eyes. “Gotta show everyone how big my lungs are. Let’s ‘em know how long I can hold my breath.” He winked, and I blushed hot red as I unwillingly imagined him going down on my manhood for a few minutes without letting off.

“Pervert,” Val said, giving him a little slap on the wrist, making him laugh long and hard.

Val took us past _Jim and Kim’s_ , past every other bar I knew about, some more that I didn’t, and pulled in at the bar Robert and I went to the day he came back.

“This the place?” Val asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

She turned around to look at me over her shoulder. “Don’t call me that. Well, boys, age before beauty!”

Robert stuck his tongue out at her like a five-year-old and hopped over the door – also like a five-year-old.

I should have realized before we left that Friday night at a nice restaurant was sure to draw a crowd, and I wasn’t wrong: the place was hoppin’, as they said. A waitress seated us after a few minutes in a booth near the back – and closest to the bar.

Val immediately picked up the drink menu and perused right to the fine wines. “Buy me enough drinks, Dad, and _maybe_ I’ll let you be our designated driver.”

Robert shook his head in disbelief. “Unbelievable…”

“Well, Matt – it’s Matt, yeah?” She looked up from the menu – a fingernail underlining what looked like White Zinfandel if my upside-down reading was as good as I thought – and locked eyes with me. She gave a little smirk that she must have inherited from Robert. “How’s he been?”

“I’m right here you know,” Robert said over the din of bar patrons.

“He’s doing well, I hope he knows I’m proud of him,” I answered, pretending he wasn’t here. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, and my focus drew to him immediately. He looked _wonderful_ tonight, his hair styled nicely and his beard carefully groomed. The gray in his hair was a lovely contrast to his healthy brown skin, and the light hanging overhead made his irises look like they were made of gold.

Dear God, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to bring him home, hug him, kiss him, and never let go.

“Yeah? Good. Maybe my old man can kick the habit yet.”

The waiter came by. I ordered a virgin watermelon margarita. Robert ordered a mango mule, and Val…

“Can I get a glass of White Zinfandel?” She smiled and fluttered her eyes at the waiter and he visibly faltered.

“Certainly, miss. I’ll be right back with your order—your, er, orders.”

“I love doing that,” she said with a smirk.

As I perused the dinner menu, a thought came to mind. “Are you sure you can pay for dinner, Robert? I don’t actually know what you do for a living…”

Val interjected. “Dad put all of mom’s life insurance payout into stocks.”

“Hey, that—”

Val turned to stare him down. “He just lives off dividend payouts, _even though_ he could be a film history professor if he wanted, just from his hobbyist knowledge.”

“I’ll have you know—” Robert’s eyes widened and he turned back to the middle of the table. I could see the metaphorical gears turn in his head.

“The Hawaiian burger looks interesting. I think I’ll get that.”

Robert and I shared a mutual look of knowing. Like father, like daughter.

“Here are your drinks,” said the waiter. He set our drinks down in front of us, Robert’s eyes following Val’s wine. Maybe she was testing him.

Val ordered the Hawaiian burger. Robert and I ordered an onion ring tower to share. I got a barbeque burger and he got a ‘monster’ burger, whatever that was.

Robert took out an e-cig after the waiter left. “I see you're getting some mileage out of those,” Val said.

“Yeah, where’d you get those? I’ve never seen any sold with a fake cigarette box.”

“Backseat of some guy’s Ferrari,” Val said, totally deadpan.

“No, you didn’t, where’d you really get it? Is it a custom job?”

“Dunno.”

“Robert, I implore you, tell me you didn’t actually take that from someone’s car.”

“We didn’t,” he said.

“Or did we?” added Val, with a devious eyebrow quirk.

I shook my head in disbelief. “You two are gonna be the death of me.”

Val took her sweet time drinking her wine, making it sound as tasty as possible with obnoxious mms and ahhs. “You want a sip, dad?”

“No thanks,” Robert replied. He fidgeted a bit in his seat, and intently picked at his fingernails. I genuinely believed Val was testing him. He apparently wanted to come here, though; maybe it was an exercise of willpower.

I lightly poked his shin with my shoe and his eyes darted up to meet mine, a little look of surprise on his face. I smiled, content to just be around him. He smiled back and stopped fidgeting.

The waiter brought our onion ring tower with house dipping sauce and ketchup. Steam rose from the entire tower, and I swear I could hear it sizzling.

“I forgot to ask, how come you came home a day early when you visited?”

Val stole one of the onion rings – damn her. She took a bite of it with a loud crunch. “Wow, that's hot. Work called, insisted I come in, and he was so excited to see you again I let him off the hook.”

Robert blushed and lightly elbowed her. “Don’t tell him that…”

“Why? He already knows you like him,” Val exclaimed, gesturing incredulously between us as she glared at Robert. “And he likes you, too! What's the big deal?”

“Yeah, but…”

“I told you, share your feelings. Let the people who care about you know that you care too, your life will be better.”

Robert dejectedly looked at me and in near monotone, said “I was so excited to see you again that I sped the whole way home.”

I laughed so hard I almost choked before I could swallow the piece of onion ring I was chewing. “You didn't!”

“Almost ten miles over the limit.”

“Jeez.”

“Did you—” I started with a chuckle. “Did you ever tell her about the time we snuck into that movie theatre and pissed off Hugo’s bratty kid?”

“He isn't _that_ bratty.” Robert turned to Val. “He threw rocks at Matt’s knees.”

“What?!” she exclaimed. “What a bitch!”

“I know! Anyway…”

Robert told the story of the evening in detail over dinner. Val especially liked when I chimed in about him defending my honor.

“Wow, well I'm glad you found a partner in crime.”

“That used to be Mary, I think,” Robert said, scratching the side of his face. “I haven't been _avoiding_ her, per se, just…” He sighed in thought and stared at the last two onion rings before taking one to munch on. “She enabled a lot of my vices and I need to work on saying no before we can really hang out again, which sucks, because she keeps asking when we can go to _Jim and Kim's_ again.”

“ _Jim and Kim's_ doesn't really serve anything _other_ than booze, do they?” I asked.

“No, they don't. It has the best booze in town, but that's all it has.”

“I dunno, I think of it fondly as where we met.”

“Well it's good for something, then,” Val added. “A toast, to _Jim and Kim’s_.”

“May I never drink there again,” Robert said with a smile.

We clinked our glasses together and downed our drinks in one gulp.

“You know what, pops?” Val started. “I honestly wasn't sure if you could do it. I don't mean that I expected you to fail, just that I – oh fuck it.” She kneaded the bridge of her nose. “I'm _trying_ to say that I'm proud of you, too.”

Robert's expression was an almost indescribable mix of feelings. I wished I had a camera to capture the moment of elation and relief, like his daughter wiped away years of grief in four simple words. I thought he was about to cry again – I kind of worried about how much he cried lately – but he seemed to keep it together.

“Do you mean it?” he asked under his breath. I almost missed it over the baseball game playing on a nearby TV.

“Of course, I mean it.” She looked him right in the eyes, and after a few moments of silence, quirked an eyebrow.

Oh no.

“Or do I?”

Robert giggled and lightly shoved her arm. He turned to look at me with a big, bright smile and my heart melted in my chest. I laughed with him and he sighed contentedly as he looked at me with almost aching fondness.

Seeing him happy made my evening. Made my week.

“Well, boys, it's been fun. Shall we head off into the night?” Val asked as she ran a finger around the edge of her wine glass.

“Where to next?” I asked.

“Honestly? I planned on crashing in this guy's guest room,” she said, gesturing to Robert with a thumb.

“She insists I get a good night's sleep.” He gestured in bewilderment. “Can you believe that? _Every night.”_

“Directly contrary to what you apparently think, most people don't sleep in until three PM.”

“I don't do that… anymore, that is.”

“Check please!”

 

* * *

 

When Val dropped me off in my driveway, she and Robert both got out of the car with me.

“That was fun,” Val said. “We should do it again, soon. Too bad I leave again tomorrow.”

“Already?” I furrowed my brow. “That's a pretty short trip.”

“I'll be making them more often to check on Dad. After all, gotta do my part in this. Also, gotta keep him accountable.”

Robert looked dejected, but I imagined he understood why it was needed; addictions were no trifling matter, especially not when combined with such crippling depression.

I gave Val a one-armed hug and Robert a hug that lasted too long for just friends. He whispered in my ear as we embraced. “Thank you for caring so much.”

When we parted, I fumbled for words. “Uh… I don't know what to say to that,” I said with a chuckle, my face heating up.

“You don't have to say anything,” Robert said. It was amazing to see how far he'd come in sharing more intimate details in just a few weeks.

“Okay.”

“I just wanted you to know I appreciate it. Have a good night.”

“You too! It was nice to see you again, Val.”

“Later,” she said with a wave.

They got back in Val's car and she drove them into Robert’s driveway. I laughed as they got out – like father, like daughter.


	5. Chapter 5

While out shopping for groceries, I stopped by the local events board to stay abreast of happenings around town. I never followed through on any of them though, I just liked to say that I stayed abreast of them – and so I could make Amanda uncomfortable with the word ‘abreast’.

Today, though, one particular flyer caught my eye.

 **MAPLE BAY INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL  
JULY 3RD TO 21ST  
TICKETS ON SALE ONLINE**

A film festival… Robert _loved_ film, possibly more than pineapple on pizza. Or pineapple in general. I took one of the flyer stubs with the website on it and carefully pocketed it, hoping to make a nice surprise out of it.

 

* * *

 

According to the website, the film festival hosted films of many genres, predominantly independent and foreign films that might not otherwise get to a big theatre. It seemed like exactly the sort of thing Robert would be into. After checking prices, I concluded I could probably afford to splurge on him a bit.

The film society charged fourteen dollars per movie during the festival, but also offered Enthusiast memberships – all proceeds of which go toward furthering the art of film, whatever that meant.

The membership came with early access and member-only screenings of certain films at the film festival’s year-round cinema, which seemed like something he’d enjoy, too. I could afford this. I just had to work a few extra hours… for a few days. That wasn’t so bad.

After my order processed, I patiently waited for the confirmation email and…

There it was! Now to just figure out how to surprise Robert with it.

 

* * *

 

On Monday, just before starting breakfast, I sent him a message on Dadbook.

To: Robert  
I need some help with a few things this morning, do you think you could stop by soon?

As I made a mess trying to crack eggs with one hand and held a recipe for French toast on my phone in the other, Dadbook beeped.

From: Robert  
sure  
gimme about half hour

While it was nice that he was so willing to reciprocate, it was especially nice that he replied in a decent timeframe now. I didn’t want to say so out loud without knocking on wood, but it seemed like the days of Robert isolating himself were over. Maybe he finally figured out that people thought he was worth investing time in, even if he didn't agree.

I was reading the newspaper when Robert knocked at the door. When I let him in, I noticed that rather than faded or ripped jeans and leather, he opted for worn shorts and a ratty white t shirt. It looked out of place on him.

“Good morning!” I said with a smile.

“Hey! I got my work clothes on, what needs doing?” Robert asked. He clapped his hands and briskly rubbed them together. “Furniture moving? Cleaning? Gardening?”

I held back a chuckle. “I’m happy that you’re so enthusiastic about possibly pulling weeds, but I didn’t actually call you here to do chores.”

Robert’s demeanor instantly changed to confusion, his brow furrowed and his head tilted. “Huh?”

“I actually have a surprise for you. Follow me.”

I led him to my room as he asked, “What do you mean by ‘surprise’?” I sat down at my computer and as I looked through my email, I realized I hadn’t really thought of a good way to present the gift to him. Without anything physical to give to him, the impact of it would be a bit muted, but I supposed it would have to do.

“Um… it isn’t… a physical object, more like an… experience.” No, that didn’t sound good.

Robert looked even more bewildered than he did before. “What… do you mean?” He looked me up and down and his eyes glanced around my bedroom.

“Shit, that didn’t – that didn’t sound good, sorry. I’m trying to tell you I bought you something, it’s just – it’s a film festival membership.”

Robert’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “A film festival membership?”

“Yeah. Here, look.” I showed him the email receipts with our activation codes. “The film festival runs today through the twenty-first and I thought you might like a gift membership to go see some movies.”

“Really?” Robert looked over my shoulder and read the email in detail. I looked up at him from the side, the light from the monitor bleaching his face, but his lips started curling up into a toothy grin the further in he read. “You did? Oh my god! That’s so cool!” He slapped my shoulder playfully, then left his hand there as a warm brand of friendly contact. “Well, how do we… get started, I guess?”

“Here, I looked up how already.” I copied one of the codes into the web form and offered my chair. He typed all his information in – with a little bit of hunt-and-peck slowness to it – and wrote down his username and password on some scrap paper I had on the desk. After I made my account, I brought up the list of movies being shown.

“Our memberships will take a day to process, so we can't actually go see anything until Wednesday, but…” I gestured toward the monitor as if I'd unveiled a prize. “Here's everything they’re showing for the next three weeks. Take your pick of them.”

Robert’s mouth dropped open in a little O. “You're gonna let me pick any movies I want?”

“Well, yeah! This is your gift.”

“What should we see?”

He looked over my shoulder and perused the movie list with me, looking like a kid in a candy store the entire time. It was so nice to see him excited and equally nice that he immediately wanted to bring me with him. I didn't suspect that he wouldn't, but it made me feel warm and tingly anyway.

Robert and I spent an hour picking out movies. I wondered just how many he'd want to see, but he picked out seven films. Among them were four independent films, two student films, and an Italian film claiming to emulate the Neorealism movement. I vaguely recalled from his Dadbook profile that it was his favorite genre, but I knew nothing about it other than it was Italian. I'd be finding out on Friday.

“Oh my god, this is so cool! Thank you,” he exclaimed before pulling me into a squishing hug. I leaned into him and buried my face in his thick neck, just for a little bit of intimate contact. He smelled manly this morning. Like… pine trees, or something. I couldn't quite place it.

Robert patted my back as I held him more gently than he held me, but when he released me he had a huge smile. “I can't wait until Wednesday, are you excited?”

“Yeah!” I couldn't wait to see those movies with him.

“My face hurts,” he said with a laugh. His cheeks were bright red and he seemed unable to stop smiling. God, he was so beautiful. I wanted him to smile like that when I kissed him. I wanted him to smile like that every day he spent with me.

“Dad?” Amanda asked from the doorway, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. “What's all the noise for?”

“Oh, uh… Robert and I were picking movies to see.”

Amanda yawned and plodded off to the kitchen. “Okay.”

“Since you're here anyway… want breakfast?”

“Sure!”

 

* * *

 

Breakfast with Robert was a delight. He and Amanda animatedly talked, including her asking how often he shed leather jackets if he didn't have his that morning either.

“Sometimes as often as every week.”

He was so handsome, and so sweet like this, talking with my daughter like he'd known her for years that he caught me staring with what I'm sure looked like a smitten grin more than once. He'd just wink and go back to talking to Amanda.

My chest hurt as the desire to ask him out grew into an aching need, but I had to put him first. I wanted him to come to me with it.

And eventually cum to me – I wasn't above dirty thinking, either.

Wednesday felt a long way off.

 

* * *

 

A knock on my bedroom window startled me awake. My heart pounded as I tried to get my bearings, and the knocking came again.

“Hey Matt,” someone said from outside, their voice muffled through the wall. Three guesses who that was. I looked out the window only to see Robert standing, fully dressed and ready to go. My phone read… eight thirty-five. I meant to be up half an hour ago.

I let Robert in and he jumped up and down on the balls of his feet like an excited five-year-old. “Did I wake you?” he asked, shame washing away his giddiness.

“Yes, but it's okay.” I scratched my stubble and blinked sleep away. “My alarm didn't go off, so I'm glad you came by early.”

The first movie didn't start until ten, so we had a good hour before we had to leave

“Did you eat already?” I asked.

Robert shook his head. “Too excited to eat.”

“Nope, that's the wrong answer. You know how to make pancakes?”

“I have a daughter, of course I know.”

“You mind making some while I get ready?”

“Do I think Mothman is bullshit?” Robert asked, an eyebrow playfully quirked.

“Alright smartass.” Robert grinned at me. I took out everything needed to make pancakes and started the griddle. “You man the pancakes while I shower and dress.”

I did my best not to skimp on the shower just because I wanted a little bit more time with Robert. We'd be together all day, between the movie at ten, another at eleven thirty, his therapy after, and one more movie after that.

I was a poor, crushing fool. Robert seemed the same way, though. Sometimes I felt like a teenager again, with how he made my pulse pick up or my heart flutter.

After my shower and carefully grooming my hair and short beard, I opted to wear the ghost tour shirt with some shorts. I wasn't sure how much of the festival was outside, after all. God help me if I suffer heat stroke sitting on bleachers, or whatever.

Showing films outside would kind of suck.

The smell of pancakes overwhelmed me when I walked into the kitchen. Robert had a stack of ten or so on a plate, and was finishing up another two on the griddle. He flipped them and turned around. “Breakfast is ready!”

“Dad, Mr. Small made pancakes!” Amanda sat across from where Robert was finishing up the last two, pouring butter and jam on one.

I smiled at the sight of something so domestic as Robert cooking in my kitchen. When I let myself daydream, I liked to imagine waking up wrapped around him, or cooking for him, or gardening with him, or just lazing in silence on the couch in the evening. Sometimes we lived in my house, sometimes we lived in his, it depended on my whim at the time. Sometimes when we lay down together at night, he held me against his chest, or I spooned with him from behind. Betsy invariably made an appearance to play with Amanda whenever she visited from—

I tried to ignore that she'd be leaving mid-August.

“These are so good,” Amanda yelled around a mouthful of food.

“Don't talk with your mouth full,” Robert said. “Who taught you your manners, Agent Smith?”

Amanda put a finger to her ear. “Target is suspicious. Abort mission, repeat: abort mission.”

“That’s not our last name,” I chuckled. I took a stack of three pancakes and poured syrup all over them, and when I took a bite couldn't believe how perfectly fluffy they were. There was also some—

“You Devil, you snuck in chocolate chips,” I said.

Robert smirked and sat down across from me to start digging into a short stack. He ate in silence, smiling wide every time he looked at me. A few months ago, I would never have imagined someone as rugged looking as Robert to have such a soft side to him, but here he was, eating pancakes he made for me and my daughter, a bit of syrup dripping into his graying beard. Anyone who didn't think that was a gentle – if troubled – soul had another thing coming.

When he washed down the last bite of pancakes and cleaned up his dishes, he clapped his hands and started chanting “Mo-vies! Mo-vies!”

“We don’t have to leave for twenty minutes,” I laughed. “What are you clapping for?”

“Hey. I’m allowed to be excited,” he said. “Aren’t you?”

“Well…” Absolutely. I couldn’t wait to go. “Yes.”

“So, let’s go!”

“Robert and I are going to see some indie films, Amanda. You wanna go?”

“Nah,” she said with a wave. “I have a hot date with Netflix and a bucket of ice cream.”

“Sounds like a great day to me,” Robert said.

“Don’t eat the entire thing, you’ll get sick.”

“Come on, pops,” she scoffed. “I got an iron stomach.”

“Well…” I stood arms akimbo, staring her down until I finished making a show of it. “Alright. I trust you to make good decisions.”

Robert and I piled into his truck. “I probably should have asked if you were okay with me asking Amanda before I did. I thought she’d say no, but… you know.”

“Don’t wanna leave your kid in the dust, I gotcha.”

“She told me, and I quote, ‘We should invite Mr. Small over again, he was fun.’”

He looked at me with a smile and a bit of a blush. “She thinks I’m fun?”

“You’re the cause of her wanting a leather jacket.”

“Atta girl!” Robert pulled out of my driveway with a shit-eating grin. “I’ll forward you some good brands.”

I shook my head in fond exasperation and turned up the radio a bit. Santana was on.

 

* * *

 

Had I the foresight, I would have researched where the film festival took place _before_ we left for it. The good news is it was just in a cineplex downtown. I couldn’t quite remember the synopsis of the first movie we were seeing, but it had something to do with a gambler hitting rock bottom.

Robert and I passed by the concessions stand, but he slowed to a halt as he looked over at it. “You want some popcorn? Nachos? Candy?”

I’d last had nachos with Amanda at the mall a few months ago. “Nachos sounds good.”

“You cool with sharing?”

“Yeah.”

Robert got an extra-large tray of chips coated in the liquid cheese typical of ultra-fast food, with some thick salsa drizzled everywhere. It looked horrible. It looked _awesome._

We had to present our tickets with QR codes texted to us, some fancy barcode that didn't make any sense to me. Robert picked seats in the very back so he could prop his feet up on the seats in front of us.

“I'm ready for some movies, baby!” he yelled.

Someone in the front shushed him. I withheld a laugh and turned to give him a grin. Robert gave me an open-mouthed smile and stuck out his tongue.

“I'll stay quiet during the movies, I promise.”

The lights dimmed and the opening sequence started. Every so often when I went in for a gooey nacho, my fingers met his. He didn't seem to mind. The cheese was a gross mess, but it was all part of the experience – like greasy Hawaiian pizza.

The movie was indeed about a gambler down on his luck, but it wasn't the most exciting movie I'd ever seen. Through subterfuge and manipulation, creating scam after scam, the gambler made back enough money to start gambling again… only to blow it all when it came down to the wire.

I sat with Robert in the back to watch the credits as other moviegoers left until the lights came back on.

“What'd you think of it?” he asked. I met his eyes and shrugged indifferently. “Yeah, it sucked.”

The next movie was a student film, a cartoonish story of a Puerto Rican girl in a found family plot in Brooklyn. It was heartwarming and made me feel better about humanity. I wondered if he picked it because he grew up in Brooklyn.

“Alright, we better get going. You want some McDonalds on the way to the counselor?”

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

When Robert dropped me off at home, he gave me a hug and patted my back. “That was fun. You looking forward to tomorrow?”

“Yeah!”

“We should do stuff like this more.” He pulled away and slowly dragged his arms down my biceps. It made me feel warm and fuzzy.

“We'll be doing it more tomorrow.”

“Pft. That's true.”

Robert locked eyes with me and held my biceps. He didn't say anything, nor did I, but he wore a small smile.

“Have a good night. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Good night.”

I waited for him to let himself into his house before I entered mine and flopped down on the couch. Being out of the house all day sucked, but spending it with him made it so worth it.

 

* * *

 

I should have known Friday would be a lot busier than the last two days; I just didn’t expect it to be _so much_ busier. People brought their kids, people brought their family, a few people brought their dog, despite signs explicitly forbidding it.

When Robert and I got there for the first movie, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. Amanda always complained about grownups keeping their loud ringtones on so they could hear their phone despite going deaf, so I made a point to keep mine silenced in public.

From: Panda  
Did you do something with my shoes? I can’t find them  
And I can’t find that cute blue top I bought the other day, did you do something with it?

To: Panda  
The shoes were filthy, I ran them through the wash. They’re in the laundry room  
I washed the blue top for you, too. It’s air drying there, too

From: Panda  
Okay, thanks!

When I looked up from my phone, Robert was gone. I looked around concessions, tried the ticket sellers, and looked outside for a bit: nothing. He was just gone. Like the time Amanda got lost in the mall when she was five and I nearly had a panic attack and had security call for her over the intercom. She didn't speak to me for a week. I suspected Robert wouldn't speak to me for a lot longer if I pulled a stunt like that, so I did the only reasonable thing I could.

“Mothman is the best!” I yelled at the top of my lungs in the middle of the lobby.

“Mothman is bullshit and everyone knows it!” yelled a very familiar voice coming from the men’s restroom.

There we go. I made my way through the confused and irritated crowd to the restroom. When I got there, Robert walked out, zipping up his jeans as he approached me.

“Hey, brother. Was that you yelling about Mothman?”

“Yeah. One moment I was texting Amanda, the next you were gone.”

“Oh, sorry.” Robert rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought you heard me say I needed to piss like a racehorse.”

“Oh well, no harm done.”

He smiled and looked toward concessions. “Pizza?”

“You know what kind.”

“Be right back.”

I waited outside the theatre the first movie showed in. A few minutes later, Robert walked up with two plates, each with an enormous piece of Hawaiian pizza. “This looks like the gourmet shit,” he said as he handed me one.

The pineapple and ham looked fresh, and the crust crispy. “Wow, this looks great.”

“You don't wanna know how much it cost.”

Robert and I sat down for the first movie. We had two more, an Italian Neo-neorealist film that he really wanted me to see, and one more student project.

I wasn't sure what to expect from the neo-neorealist film. I knew so little about the genre – or movement, or period? – that I went in totally blind. Maybe he wanted it that way.

The movie started as I munched on my pizza. The cold open focused on someone evading Gestapo – or whatever the Italian version was – in a crowd. While it was entertaining, I lost track of the minor characters introduced in rapid succession. Robert seemed to like it, judging by the several times he was on the edge of his seat. It was almost like a war documentary from a civilian perspective – I could see why he enjoyed it.

It definitely had a downer ending – every character save for the Nazis were executed in some brutal, ugly, unfair way.

“What'd you think?” Robert asked.

“Dramatic, merciless, moody.” I was on the fence about it, so I went for as objective of descriptors as possible to see what he thought.

Robert nodded. “Just how I like them. An uncompromising reminder that war is a vulgar waste of life. Ready for our last movie?”

I hoped it was a bit more uplifting.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately, it wasn't. Robert had picked a period drama set during the civil war. A young woman in the confederacy awaited her husband's return from the war, and focused on her community relationships until discovering not only did the Confederacy surrender, but her husband was killed in combat. There were too many reminders of how dehumanizing the confederates could be, and I left the theatre glad they were defeated.

I mentally bid the theatre farewell on our way out.

Once in his truck, Robert looked me in the eyes. The corners of his lips were turned up in a tiny smile, and his eyes looked soft and affectionate. “Let me treat you to dinner,” he said out of nowhere.

“Dinner?” He hadn't ever worded it like that. Usually it had been ‘drinks’ or something.

“Yeah. This was a really nice thing you did for me, and I want—” He paused, maybe to collect his thoughts. He took a deep breath and his cheeks darkened. “I want to show you that I appreciate it.”

“How could I say no when you word it like that?”

“Good. What are you in the mood for?”

I could really go for some pizza, but we just had some for lunch. “How's seafood?”

“Sounds great!” Robert took out his phone and played with it for a few minutes. I watched him, I watched people outside, I watched the sun in the sky. “Found a place. Ten minutes away, sounds good. High reviews.”

“Awesome.”

“Let's roll! “

This was a little unusual for Robert. Normally he didn't care what he ate – or where. Maybe he was trying to change that.

The restaurant looked slick and modern, another departure from our norm. It was on the docks, too, looking out onto the water. Boats sailed by and people played on the distant beach. It all looked very idyllic.

A waiter at the front computer asked if we had a reservation. We didn't, so we had to wait ten minutes for a seat. More people lined up behind us. We stood in silence, taking in the artwork and sleek interior. There was a stone-wrought fireplace nearby – an honest to god fireplace – though it wasn’t lit.

“Small, party of two?”

“We _are_ a small party of two,” Robert said with a smirk.

The waiter nervously laughed and led us to a table for two near the bar, right next to the windows overlooking the harbor. It was a gorgeous sight, seeing the sparkling water reflecting the evening sun. The menu had so many fancy-looking dishes that I wasn’t sure where to even start.

“Wow,” Robert murmured as he looked at the dinner menu.

“‘Wow’ indeed.”

A waitress came by with a notepad and basket of bread for us.

“Good evening, gentlemen. Tonight’s special is almond-crusted salmon with house coleslaw and sweet potato fries.” That sounded amazing. “Can I get you started with a drink?”

“Um…” Robert pored over the drink menu. “Do you have any non-alcoholic cocktails or something?”

“I’m sorry, sir, we don’t.”

Robert glanced at me and shrugged. “Can I get a coke?”

“Is Pepsi okay?”

“I’ll take a 7 Up instead.”

I held back a grin. Robert really accepted no substitutes.

“And for you?”

“I’ll have… a strawberry lemonade. Can I get the salmon and chips with a side of coleslaw?”

She wrote down my order and looked back to Robert.

“I’ll have the special.”

“Almond-crusted salmon… coleslaw… sweet potato fries. I’ll be back with your drinks in a few minutes.”

“Have you ever been here?” I asked.

Robert shook his head. “This is the swankiest place I’ve ever been to.”

We looked a little out of place, him in his trademark leather, me in a silly ghost-patterned shirt that I probably shouldn't have worn twice in three days. At least the view was incredible, both the water and him. The light from the harbor lit up Robert’s face and brought out all the little details, like how the shadows under his eyes were long gone, or how he’d been regularly grooming his beard, or how soft his combed hair looked. His beautiful brown and amber eyes looked in mine, and I thought of how often I’d see them bloodshot before he went to Brooklyn with Val.

I couldn’t believe how much he’d changed in so little time.

“How’ve—”

“Robert?” asked a very familiar voice. Robert tensed up and his smile vanished. “Matt?”

I looked around until I found the source of the voice: Joseph. He approached from the bar with a glass of wine in hand.

“Good to see you two.”

“Hi Joseph,” Robert gritted out. He put on a smile so fake it looked like it hurt. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought I'd take the fam out for a nice dinner. I didn’t know you frequented this type of restaurant. I thought it was too highbrow for your taste.”

Robert’s expression flattened, and his eyes flitted away to look at nothing. I scowled, but schooled it when Joseph glanced at me.

“It’s been a while, Matt! How’s Amanda?”

“She’s doing great.”

“Good to hear. Crish just said his first words the other day.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It was, er… he asked for a cookie.”

I thought Robert would at least hide a smile, but he looked sour and guarded instead.

“Not exactly what I’d hoped for… that’s zero of four whose first words were ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy’, and Mary doesn’t want any more kids, and… how can I blame her?” He laughed and shrugged. “Four is a handful, to put it lightly.” He glanced back at Robert. “Oh, hey, Mary’s been wondering about you. Shall I go get her?”

“Uh… sure,” Robert said.

Seeing Robert’s mood one-eighty in Joseph’s presence was horrid. I wasn’t sure what to say, or do, I just needed to fix it somehow.

Joseph turned around and started walking away, before he halted and faced us again. “Oh, before I go, we’re hosting a cookout at the beach tomorrow. We’d love to see you two there, if you have the time.”

I held up a hand to wave goodbye. “I’ll see what my work schedule’s like.”

“Alright, enjoy your dinner!”

After Joseph left, I looked back at Robert, who sat with his arms crossed and an intense furrow in his brow. “Robert? Are you okay?”

He let out a heavy, tired exhale. “No.”

“Hey, nerds,” Mary said as she traipsed up with a wine glass that I was starting to consider part of her. “Where’ve you been? Haven’t seen you at _Jim and Kim’s_ for weeks.”

Robert dragged a hand down his cheek and smoothed his beard out. “I’ve been trying to quit drinking.”

“Oh, come on, that’s no fun,” she said. “Life is so dull when you aren’t at least a little tipsy.” She downed her glass of wine and gestured toward me with it, an eyebrow quirked up. “Matt, would you be a dear and get me another glass from the bar?”

I looked at Robert, and he silently nodded. “Sure. Got any preferences?”

She tapped her lip in thought. “Cabernet sauvignon, if you would?”

“White wine goes much better with seafood,” I said.

“She doesn’t like seafood,” Robert added.

Mary nodded. “Steak for me, boys.”

“I’ll be right back.”

I went to the bar and ordered a glass of Cabernet, specifically requesting it be added to Joseph’s bill. It took a few minutes for them to get through the queue and hand me the glass. When I came back to the table, I heard the tail end of their conversation.

“—this film festival, and he's just been really – really supportive. I’ve been nothing but appreciative. You don’t need to worry, really.”

I stayed slightly out of their eyeline as I listened, though I probably shouldn’t have. Eavesdropping was at minimum rude.

“Are you sure? You love drinking. You—”

“No, it – can we talk about this later? He’ll be back soon. I’m fine.”

Mary looked skeptical, but eventually conceded. “Alright. You know the word, though. Give me a shout.”

That was my cue. I approached so Mary would see me first and stop pursuing such a sensitive topic. “Here’s your wine, Mary.”

She gratefully took it with a grin and patted me on the arm. “Thanks. You’re good in my book, Matt.” She gave me my seat and a fake salute. “Come by the beach tomorrow. Just avoid my husband, ugh.”

I heard Joseph laughing at something from a few tables away. Robert’s eyes snapped toward the sound.

“Robert?” He turned back to look at me, suddenly looking very tired. “Are you okay?”

Robert buried his face in his hands and rubbed in frustration. “No.”

“Do you… wanna talk about it?”

“No, I – I just want to have a nice, quiet dinner with you.”

It was obvious something about Joseph set him off – no, it didn’t set him off, it shut him down. There was something there that I couldn’t place, and if he didn’t want to talk about it, there wasn't much more about it I could do.

“Can I… ask for us to be reseated outside?”

Robert pulled his face away from his hands and looked up at me with his eyes wide and mouth agape. “What?”

“I – look…” I kneaded the bridge of my nose. “I think this has something to do with… him, and I don't want to press you on it if you're not comfortable sharing it, so… can I at least get us out of here?”

Robert braced his head on a hand in thought. His eyes flitted between me and something behind me – maybe wherever Joseph was sitting. If he'd be constantly in Robert's line of sight, even more reason to move. Eventually, the tiny smile he had earlier returned. “Okay.”

When a waiter walked by, I waved him down and he reseated us on the balcony at my behest. Robert seemed much more content out there, with the ocean breeze cooling us down and a view of the water unobstructed by shaded windows.

Maybe there was something else I could do to cheer him up. We were in an isolated corner of the balcony – I had asked for somewhere private – and weren't in earshot of anyone else if we kept our voices down. Maybe I could tell him one of my stories…

“I ever tell you about the time I snuck on a yacht?” I said under my breath.

Robert almost spat up his 7 Up. “You what?”

“Snuck on a yacht. One of those huge boats. Like that one.”

I pointed at the biggest one in the harbor. Robert sat straight up to follow where I pointed over the railing. “When? In – in broad daylight?”

“I was fifteen. Down here at this very harbor. Found a big boat like that with anchors aweigh. When I was sure no one was on it, I snuck on and ripped the ship wheel off. Almost got caught on my way out, I probably would have if it had been bigger.”

Robert gaped. “You’re bullshitting me. You didn’t steal a ship wheel off a fuckin’ yacht.”

“I didn't.” I took a sip of my lemonade. “Or did I?” I said playfully. I still had the ship wheel somewhere in self-storage, the core splintered from when I broke it off the axle. Maybe I’ll show him some day.

“Huh.” He stared in contemplation. “So that’s what that feels like.”

“Hello, gentlemen,” a waiter said as he carried two big plates in and set them down in front of us. “Almond-crusted salmon, and salmon and chips. Enjoy!”

The deep-fried salmon was delicious, and it looked like Robert enjoyed his meal, too. He looked so much happier to be eating out here, even though the breeze kept blowing our hair around into a tousled mess.

“You wanna go to the beach cookout tomorrow?” I asked before shoveling some coleslaw in my mouth.

Robert looked up at me before patting his mouth with his napkin. “Maybe.”

“I understand if you'd rather avoid… whatever.”

“We have a sour history,” Robert murmured. He looked out over the harbor, his eyes hard and angry. “I don't trust him, or like him, and he – he got away with what he did.”

I shouldn't press. Robert just wanted dinner together, and by god I appreciated that, but… curiosity got the better of me, even though he looked angry and hurt.

“What did – I don't know if I should even ask—”

“He used me.”

My mouth dropped open. “You mean… for…”

“Yeah. I mean… it’s not like he _forced_ himself on me or anything… I just…”

Hearing it made me imagine it, and imagining it made my stomach turn. I felt cold, hot, angry, and sad all at once in a horrible mix of emotions that robbed me of my appetite. “I'm sorry.”

Robert's eyes darted to meet mine, before they turned down in sadness.

“I don't know what that must have been like, or… anything. I can't even imagine how you must have felt. It's… a _bit_ better that he didn't force himself on you, but I just—”

Robert looked at me with sad, pained eyes.

“I just want you to know I have your back.”

“He's – I—”

“You don't have to say more,” I murmured. I laid a hand on his on the table. “You wanted a quiet dinner with me; I want that, too.”

“I don't want you to be friends with him,” Robert said in an angry whisper. He looked ready to snap like a twig in a harsh wind, his eyes ready to spill over. “He hurt me. I cared about him and he hurt me…”

“Well…” I looked over my shoulder toward where I imagined him to be sitting with his family through the windows. I wondered if Mary could corroborate what Robert said, but… in the end, I didn't need corroboration. I just needed Robert to know I trust him.

“He won't again.” I turned to look at my dear, dear friend and hoped he saw the conviction in my eyes. “Not if I can help it.”

A few tears dripped down Robert's cheeks and he patted his face dry with his napkin.

“It doesn't matter to me whether he forced you or if you wanted it. All I care about is that he hurt you.”

He nodded wordlessly with an ugly sniff and started picking at his salmon as he resisted the heavyset frown every soul on earth made when in pain.

I looked over my shoulder again – no one nearby seemed to pay him any mind. Even so, I shifted a bit in my seat to shield him a little more from prying eyes. “It's gonna be okay, Rob,” I said under my breath. He grabbed my hand on the table, and I let him hold me for as long as he needed.

After a few minutes of eating our dinner while holding hands – at least him being a lefty helped that a bit – Robert spoke up. “We should go tomorrow.”

“Yeah?” I gave him an encouraging smile.

“Yeah. The sun will be good for me, right?” He sniffed again. “And I can hang out with you and Amanda.”

“Are you sure? We can do something else, if…”

“I'll be okay,” he said. His eyes looked red and it sounded like he needed to blow his nose, but he sounded certain. “I wanna go to the beach. I'm fine around… him if I’m ready for him, I guess.”

“If you have someone to defend your honor?”

Robert giggled, instantly brightening up the moment. “I don't think he’ll be throwing rocks at my knees. Barely concealed hostility is a great self-defense mechanism.” He sighed and let go of my hand to pull out an e-cig. “I'm okay,” he said, maybe a bit for me and a bit for himself. He took a long drag and blew out a huge cloud of vapor directly upward in a truly impressive display of lung capacity. The wind carried it away, but I got a good view of his thick neck, too – his thick neck deserving of soft and tender kisses.

I wanted him to know how deeply I cared for him, I wanted to figure out how to put it to words, but… it just wasn't the time. Until then, all I could do was keep the ball in his court.

 

* * *

 

When Robert dropped me off at home, he rounded his truck and brought me in for a hug in silence. We held each other for a few minutes, breathing each other in or gently stroking each other. It was so lovely and intimate, my heart soaring and aching for him every second of it.

The intimacy of it might have been slightly too much for Robert; I felt his manhood pressed against my leg, and I couldn't keep mine down either. He didn't seem to want to let go despite it, though.

When he finally released me, he looked me in the eyes and gently held me by my biceps. I could still tell he'd been crying earlier, but he didn't look sad.

“Good night, Matt,” he whispered.

“Good night, Robert.”

I desperately wanted to say something – maybe invite him in to hang out, or tell him ‘I care so much for you’ – but I didn't want to ruin the moment with too much. That and we'd spent almost the entire day together already.

In a shared moment of male camaraderie, we both adjusted our pants with sheepish smiles, and I watched Robert drive his truck over to his driveway. I unlocked the door and walked in to find Amanda watching TV with an empty ice cream carton I've never seen before in front of her. Her eyes darted between me and the ice cream.

“Dad, I can explain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I'm not sorry.](http://jeansisthesmol.tumblr.com/post/163820467267/dadsona-loses-robert-in-a-crowd-this-calls-for)


	6. Chapter 6

“Amanda,” I said while gently knocking on the bathroom door. “Are you ready? It's almost ten.”

“Just a second, Dad.”

I heard a knock at the front door. Robert stood on my front porch in his red shirt and dark red board shorts, actually wearing his ever-present aviators this time.

“Hey dude, you ready to catch some surf?”

I strained my neck around outside to look for a surfboard, but I didn't see one. “With what board?”

“Alright, you got me, I've never surfed. Or have I?”

“Robert,” I chuckled. “It starts to lose its impact when you do that with something as mundane as surfing. Amanda should be ready soon.”

Robert sat on the couch to wait and tended an e-cig. Amanda finally came out of the bathroom a few minutes later in her one-piece swimsuit.

“I don't like this,” she muttered with her arms crossed. “The color is all wrong.”

“What's wrong with dark green? You wear it all the time, I thought it was your favorite color.”

“Maybe for like… other stuff, but swimsuits are supposed to be bright and eye catching!” She looked at Robert sitting on the couch as he smoked, and gestured toward him incredulously. “See? Like that! Mr. Small has the right idea! Look at how cool he looks.”

Robert sat with his arms draped over the back of the couch, his legs open as if to say, ‘this is my couch now.’ He looked at Amanda over his sunglasses. “I think it looks good on you.”

“R-really?” Her attitude did an about face. “Thanks!”

“You can call me Robert, by the way. No need to be so formal. Just don't call me Rob. Only your dad gets away with that.”

I smiled and a hot blush took my cheeks. “How come only I get away with it?”

Robert took a long drag of his e-cig, but didn't answer even after exhaling all the smoke through his nose.

“Ready to go?”

Robert jumped to his feet and loudly clapped, startling me. “Let's roll!” he yelled.

I'd already loaded beach blankets, towels, chairs, and an umbrella into the car. Joseph had requested everyone bring at least one meat and one side to the cookout. I had chipotle bratwurst and strawberry gelatin salad, which I carefully set in the back seat in an honest to God picnic basket.

“Do you want the front or back seat?” Robert asked Amanda.

“You can take the front.”

We piled in and I started the short drive to the beach. I didn't turn the radio on, though Robert turned to me.

“I think Brian might be a werewolf,” he said, apropos of nothing.

_“What?_ A werewolf?” I glanced at him, but he seemed serious.

“Yeah. A werewolf.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Have you ever _seen_ him shirtless? That guy has way more hair on him than any one man should!”

Amanda laughed from the back seat. I glanced back at her just to see her smile.

“Why have you seen Brian shirtless?”

_“Beach parties?”_ He held a hand out toward the windshield. “You know, the kind we’re going to? I wasn’t exactly _trying_ to see him shirtless, it just happened by accident, and that?” He turned to me, his eyes hard-set and his lips pursed. He looked dead serious. I genuinely couldn't tell if he was playing around. “That’s when I started believing in werewolves.”

I chuckled and thought of Damien next door in his… lovely black house. “I suppose that means Damien is a vampire?”

“What? No. He doesn’t burn to death in the sun. He’ll be there, watch.”

“What about mirrors? Ever seen him in one?”

“Modern mirrors use aluminum backing, aren't useful anymore to check. Old silver ones don't interact with products of the Devil and won't reflect vampires.”

“How do you know all this, Mr.—Robert?” Amanda asked.

“It's stuff you pick up living the kind of life I do.”

“Man, your life sounds exciting.”

I glanced at Robert when we reached a stoplight. He had a big grin and a flattered blush.

We drove in silence for a few minutes, until Robert spoke up. “We should go werewolf hunting, some time. Just you and me. And a lot of silver weapons,” he hastily added.

“Silver rings for punching, silver necklace to protect our necks?”

Robert nodded. “That's a good idea, never thought of that.”

I was kidding, but seeing him be passionate about anything was nice anyway. “What did you mean?”

“Silver knives.”

“Oh.”

I pulled into the crowded beach parking lot and gathered up everything out of the trunk. The chairs proved to be a bit too much, but my dadly pride was on the line: two trips were for the weak. While I struggled to hook my fingers around all three chairs while also holding onto the basket and umbrella in my other arm, Robert stood watching with an amused smile and his arms crossed.

“You gonna let me help, or drop everything by accident?”

“I – I got it,” I groaned, right before dropping two of the chairs to the ground in a clatter.

Robert picked them up and took the third from me. “Come on, let's go,” he said with a chuckle.

Finding the neighbors wasn't difficult – Joseph had set up at one of the outdoor grills with a bag of charcoal. I looked to my side at Robert, but he seemed undisturbed.

“Hey,” I said as I set down the pack of brats and the gelatin salad on the picnic table that seemed to have been claimed by everyone. Joseph's family was there already, as was Hugo and Mat with his daughter. Ernest was nowhere to be found.

“Howdy, Matt, Rob,” Joseph said. He put on a nice smile, but I remembered what Robert said yesterday. I wasn't sure I could forget, even if I wanted to. “Good to see you made it!”

“Let me know if you need backup,” I whispered to him.

Robert nodded silently. “I told you not to call me Rob,” he muttered with an uncompromising glare.

“Er… got it,” Joseph said with a grimace. “Set up wherever you want.”

I picked a spot far away enough from the grill to avoid smoke but close enough that others wouldn't think to set up between us and the rest of the group. The beach had yet to really fill up with people.

Blankets, umbrella, chairs set up: everything was ready.

Robert approached me with a bottle of sunscreen. I knew I forgot something! “Can you help me with this? I need some on my back.”

“Sure.”

Robert handed me the bottle. It was some fancy zinc-based sunscreen. I looked up in time to see him grab the hem of his shirt and peel it up and off him, showing off every inch of his flat belly, broad pecs, and hairy armpits. He tossed his shirt on one of our blankets, and met my eyes. “You like what you see, or something?” he asked with a smirk. “You're staring.”

“Uh…”

My eyes traveled over him as he stood arms akimbo, apparently wanting me to look. There was soft hair all over his chest and tummy, and his arms and broad shoulders had some nice beef to them. The big scar on his chest crossed over both pecs and his sternum at an angle. He wasn't incredibly tone or built, but it didn't matter to me at all. God, he was so gorgeous. He looked cuddly and beefy and I wanted to hug him forever.

“Come on,” he said quietly with a gentle pat to my bicep and a soft smile. “You can look at me all you want after I won't get sunburned.”

We sat down on the blanket, me on a chair and him in front of me cross-legged, and I started rubbing sunscreen into the wide planes of his back. First, I coated his lovely brown skin with the opaque lotion just to make sure it was everywhere, then I gently – maybe a bit slowly and tenderly – rubbed his muscles until it disappeared.

“Don't be shy, Matt, go all the way down.”

Robert leaned forward a bit, and I rubbed some sunscreen all the way down to the waistband on his shorts. The small of his back had sparse, soft hair and I couldn't resist the urge to lightly scratch after I massaged— _rubbed_ the lotion in.

I patted his back and left my hand there. “All done. Can you do my back?” I asked.

“Yeah. Uh… sit in front of me.”

Just to taunt him a bit, I stood right in front of him when I peeled off my shirt. My head got stuck, but after I nearly ripped it off, he was staring at me from where he sat. I wasn’t the most tone either, but I had a decent figure and a good amount of hair on me. I hoped I got him hot and bothered the same way he did for me.

He hadn't moved yet. “You don't want the chair?”

“I can't stand,” he said through gritted teeth. I had no idea what he meant until I looked at his lap and saw his cock threatening to rip a hole in his board shorts from how hard he was. He must have liked me rubbing his back a lot. Or the show I just gave him.

“Oh,” I said, failing to contain my amusement. I sat in front of him, my feet in the sand, and relaxed. I watched as Brian and Daisy showed up, both waving to me, but I started when the cold sunscreen hit my skin.

It was already shaping up to be an easygoing day. Robert slowly rubbed my back, spreading sunscreen everywhere. When he reached the base of my back, I recoiled a bit in surprise.

“Don't like that?” he asked.

“Nah, you’re fine.”

Joseph tended the grill, Mary nursed a wine glass – again – and Brian…

Brian took off his shirt and Robert’s words suddenly made sense. There was so much ginger hair on his rotund belly and chest I could hardly believe it.

“See what I mean?” Robert whispered in my ear. “He’s gotta be a werewolf.”

Damien showed up, a dark parasol shielding him from direct sun, but Lucien didn’t tag along.

“What about Damien?”

“UV rays bounce off objects, they’re literally everywhere. If he were a vampire, he’d be burning to death even in the shade.”

“Oh.”

Robert kept rubbing my back. After a few minutes of him doing it I realized I hadn’t heard him snap the sunscreen cap or felt cold lotion hit my back in a while. “You’ve been going at it a bit, are you done back there?”

“No.”

“Are you just… giving me a backrub now?” I laughed.

“Maybe. Do you not like it?” His hands paused, one on my shoulder blade and the other precariously close to my oblique.

“I do, it just…” It felt a bit _too_ intimate to be doing it in public, considering how his gentle touch had given me a raging boner and I had to cover my lap with both hands in a desperate ploy to stay inconspicuous. “I’d rather it be in private.”

“Oh. _Oh._ I see.” I could hear the smile in his smooth voice. “Well, maybe later, then,” he said in a sultry murmur, right next to my ear. He patted my back and stopped. I imagined he sat behind me, willing his erection down like I was instead of standing right away. Until I could, I took the sunscreen and started smearing it everywhere I could reach by myself.

“I'll be grilling all day,” Joseph said from afar. He had plenty to grill – and plenty of burger and hot dog buns if the ever-growing pile of food on the table meant anything.

Craig showed up with a vegetable platter – of course – and I stood up to go chat with him.

“I'm gonna say hi to Craig,” I said. “Holler if you need backup.”

Robert looked up at me and nodded as he rubbed sunscreen into his handsomely hairy chest. I tore my eyes away from him and wandered over to where Craig chatted with Brian.

“Hey!” They looked up at me and Craig broke into a smile.

“Hey bro, glad you could make it!” He walked up to me and gave me a slap on the back. “How’ve you been?”

“Good! And you?”

“Doing great.”

“How's the kid?” Brian asked.

Even from far away it was hard to not think Brian had tons of hair on him, but up close it was undeniable. It looked vaguely like a carpet taped to his chest.

“Doing great, increasingly excited for college. She gets into her dream school and now she can't wait. I'd rather she be a _little_ more reluctant to leave, but what can you do?”

“Yeah? You remember what I told you?”

I smiled as I remembered grilling with him – or rather, watching him grill. “I got friends here. How's Daisy?”

“Precocious as always. She just started reading something by Faulkner, though I don't think she likes his work so far.”

Faulkner… he was from the sixties?

“I gotta go start up the burgers I brought, talk to you soon!” Brian walked over to Joseph and greeted him boisterously.

“I see Robert’s back,” Craig said. “Not that I didn’t notice weeks ago.”

I glanced over to see Amanda and Daisy talking to him. I couldn’t hear them from where we were; it’s probably better that way. I really don’t like to eavesdrop when I can help it.

“Did he come here with you? I didn’t see his truck…”

“Yeah, he did.”

Craig patted me with the back of his hand. “You _dog,”_ he said playfully. “Are you shacking up with him?”

“No. I—” Maybe I should tell him the truth. “I really care for him, Craig, and he cares, too,” I said, quietly since others were nearby. Craig’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “He just isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m waiting – _we’re_ waiting until he’s ready.”

“Really? You're not one to say something like that lightly, so it must be serious.”

“He’s doing a lot of hard work, getting his life in order. He quit drinking, he quit smoking… Craig,” I said, looking him right in the eyes. “I can’t even put into words how proud of him I am.”

“Wow.” Craig looked back at them again. Amanda and Daisy were busy burying Robert in sand. “Uh oh. Maybe you should help your future boyfriend before he’s six feet under.”

“I think he’ll be fine,” I chuckled. Daisy dumped a big bucket of sand on his belly and he pretended to struggle under the weight of it while Amanda finished covering one of his legs. My heart swelled with pride and joy, seeing him get along with my daughter and knowing he’d come so far in turning his life around.

“I hope he makes you happy,” Craig murmured. “I hope you make each other happy. A guy as miserable as Robert deserves a second shot.”

“I know.” I tore my eyes away from Robert laughing as Amanda buried his arm to fully face Craig again. “Maybe that’s enough deep talk. What’s new with you?”

 

* * *

 

When I finally broke away from conversing with Craig – and Damien, and Brian – Daisy and Amanda had succeeded in completely burying Robert in a tall pile of sand, except for his head.

“Are you okay?” I laughed.

“Never better!” A small mercy was they'd left his sunglasses on him.

“Where'd they run off to?”

“Off to swim, I think? Over there somewhere.” Robert looked toward the water. I followed his gaze, but I couldn't see them. I supposed he didn't have many movement options.

“You want some help?”

“Please.”

It took a few minutes of shoving sand off, but I freed him. He sat up and stretched, wet sand totally covering him. “Shit… this is gonna be _everywhere,_ isn't it?”

I burst out laughing as Robert met my eyes with a deer in headlights stare. “Just go for a swim!”

He sighed and fully stood. “Be right back.” I watched him carefully walk on the hot sand toward the water, and hoped he wouldn't splash Amanda and Daisy _too_ much.

 

* * *

 

While my daughter and ‘future boyfriend’ swam, I did what came naturally: I grazed. Everyone had brought food, creating a smorgasbord on the picnic table. I sat across from Mat and Hugo, who animatedly discussed the Harlem renaissance.

“I _insist_ that Ellington was more of a cornerstone of the musical explorations of the era. Look at how jazz proliferated since his career,” Hugo said.

“I think I misspoke when I said that I thought Ma Rainey was the most influential musical figure of the era,” Mat responded.

I had no idea who Ma Rainey was; all I knew was that the barbecue chips and sour cream dip in front of me were delicious together.

“Besides, we can't ignore Armstrong when talking about jazz.”

Someone slapped my shoulder and sat next to me. I turned to look to see Robert with a big smile and water dripping down him. “Got the sand off.”

I handed him a chip, but he bit it right out from between my fingers rather than pick it up. At least he didn't bite the _hand_ that fed him…

While we sat eating in silence, Hugo and Mat’s conversation an auditory backdrop to the scene, I spent a bit too much time watching water drip from his beard or down his thick neck and hairy pecs. My eyes snapped up to his when I noticed him looking at me.

“Has Joseph served any burgers or brats yet?” he asked.

“Not yet. What's my daughter up to?”

“Probably drying her hair cuz I splashed her for burying me in sand and leaving me to fend for myself.”

“Wow,” Mat chuckled. “That's cold.”

Robert took an e-cig out of his charging box and took a deep drag. I guess he picked it up after getting out of the water or something.

“That's… not a real cigarette,” Hugo said, an eyebrow raised.

“Nope,” Robert replied. He puffed out a cloud of vapor from his nose as he gathered chips and apple slices on his paper plate.

“That's different,” Mat murmured.

“Haven't smoked a real one in a little over a month.”

“Wow! Congratulations!” Mat had a big smile on his face. “That's not easy.”

“Especially since they aren't as strong as real cigarettes, so I've heard,” Hugo added. “That's very commendable, Robert.”

Robert held the e-cig off to the side like he would a real one. “Thanks.”

“Have you been sleeping better or something?” Mat asked. “You look great!”

Robert coughed and looked down at his plate. I could tell he was blushing. “Erm… yeah, thanks.” He glanced at me and I gave him a smile.

He looked so handsome and a little boyish with his sheepish smile in the bright sun. I wished I could kiss him then and there, and show Hugo and Mat – and the world – how I really felt about him.

Joseph interrupted my thoughts as he placed a decorative glass platter on the table. “First round of burgers and sausage are done!”

Robert went for one of the spicy sausages right away. I had my heart set on a burger… for now.

“You,” Amanda said through gritted teeth behind us. I turned to see her pointing angrily at Robert, her hair in a horrendous, frizzy mess. “You messed up my hair!”

Robert turned and choked at the sight of her, coughing profusely. Amanda stomped over but her countenance fell when she realized Robert was actually in pain.

“Robert? Are you okay?”

“I'm sorry,” he wheezed. “I didn't think I'd ruin your hair,” he said between hard coughs.

Amanda frowned and brought him a water bottle from the end of the table. “It – it's okay, I'll just… rinse it in the bathroom or something.”

I patted him on the back as he drank. He gasped when he finished and turned to look at Amanda. “Sorry.”

“It's okay, Mr. Small, I bet you just wanted some playful revenge after we buried you.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Amanda wandered over to the bathroom. I didn't understand anything about hair care aside shampoo and conditioner; I hoped rinsing in clean water would help.

“Her hair will be fine, salt water just dries hair out,” Mat said.

“Oh, that's good.”

Robert and I ate in silence while Mat and Hugo went right back to talking about the Roaring Twenties, or something. My history wasn't so great.

“Alright, pops,” Amanda said when she came back, her hair wrapped in a towel. “What's good?”

I gestured toward everything on the table in a grand sweep. “Take your pick.”

“Hey,” Robert said to me under his breath. “Let's build a sand castle.”

“A sand castle?”

“Yeah. Just you and me.” He had a mischievous grin and I swore there was a glint in his eye.

“Sure! I've never built one before, though. The most I ever managed was an upturned bucket that collapsed right away.”

“Well that's fine, you'll be a pro before you know it.”

“Okay. Right now?”

“Right now.”

We excused ourselves and Robert borrowed the sand toys Daisy used to bury him. He led me past the tide line and sat down on some firm sand.

“The key to a good sand castle is good sand. If you don’t have good sand, the entire thing will fall apart.” Robert scooped up a big ball of sand into his hands and squeezed it tight, making his biceps bulge. My eyes drew toward them, rather than toward the sand. “If this stays together after I do this, it’s perfect.” When he released the pressure, he rolled it around to show that it didn’t disintegrate. “Awesome. Okay, help me make a big, tall mound of sand.”

Robert and I packed sand into a small sand mountain. He asked me to run buckets of water from the ocean to pour on it. He packed it down with his fists and asked me to give it a try.

“By pouring water on this every few inches of sand, it compacts it so when we start shaving sand away to shape it into a castle, we can do it really precisely.”

“How’d you learn all this?” I asked.

“I had a very outdoorsy daughter. Remember how I got this?” He pointed at the big scar on his pecs. “The few times I actually did things with her, I knew what I was doing.”

Robert was so intent with his work, packing sand and shaping it, down on his sand-covered knees, getting wet sand all over him. I almost didn’t want to take away any part of making the castle from him.

“I think we have enough now. Can you hand me the shovel?”

I handed him Daisy’s pink sand shovel and he knelt next to me.

“Okay, now that we have enough sand we start with the big shapes first. Do you want a pyramidal castle or a square castle or something?”

I scratched my head in thought – and got sand in my hair. “Um… which would be easier?”

“Honestly it doesn’t matter. We could make a giant tube and it’d be fun.”

“Uh, let’s make… a triangle?”

Robert raised an eyebrow. “A triangular castle? How would that work?”

“I don’t know! A square castle, then.”

“Let’s start with something simple. Start shaping the sand by cutting off chunks with the shovel, but be careful not to shave off too much, it’s easier to take sand away than put it back.”

With Robert’s careful supervision, I shaved the mound into a rough cube on top a round plateau.

“You’re doing really great,” Robert said. “Do you want some towers on the castle?”

I playfully scoffed. “What kind of castle doesn’t have towers?”

“We have a big enough castle that we could probably shave it inward until we get towers. You wanna do that?”

“Sure.”

Robert demonstrated how to shave inward with the shovel to avoid crumbling it. “When you’re shaping it into a cylinder like this, you have to use a really gentle touch. Work with the sand, not against it. Be careful, take your time.” He slowly scraped it into a tall tower. “If you’re patient, all your hard work will pay off.”

I wondered if he was talking about the sand castle, or himself. Definitely the castle. But it was good advice for caring for him, too.

It was odd how much encouragement and positive feedback Robert gave me, both in doing this and with whittling, yet he showed himself no quarter when it came to his mistakes. I knew there were a lot of them, and that can be… disheartening. I still remember every mistake I made in raising Amanda with Alex.

Did Robert know it's okay to stumble on the path to recovery?

Together, we carved out four towers at each corner and he showed me how to sculpt cones to top each one. “When you want to start shaping the wall to look like bricks, you can use – oh, fuck…”

“Huh?”

Robert gestured toward the ocean. “The tide’s coming in!” The waves were only a meter or so away from my feet when the tide hit its crest. He sighed and cursed under his breath. “I wanted to build a cool castle…”

“Well, we still built one, just… hold on.” I brushed off my hands as much as I could and pulled my phone out of my pocket. The fancy ‘life proof’ case I bought would help here. “Pose for a photo with me.”

Robert and I knelt in front of the castle and I aimed the camera toward us. I smiled wide, he wrapped an arm around me and made the most ridiculous, happy grin I’d ever seen. The preview made me laugh and I had to take a few photos to get a properly stable one. With the water lapping at my toes and the base of our castle, we retreated to the grills, his arm still over my shoulder.

“I think that’s the first photo I have of you.”

“Really?” he asked.

I handed him my phone and he browsed my photos with his sandy hands. I didn’t take many photos – I think I regret that – so virtually all of them were just of Amanda, aside the ones I just took.

“These are really nice,” he said with a tiny smile. “Hey, take another of me now.”

“Really?” He handed me my phone and I brushed off the worst of the mud.

Robert stood arms akimbo, head held high in a proud superhero pose. I snapped a photo, and showed it to him. “That’s awesome! Ha! Send me that, will you?”

I sent the photo to him over Dadbook and debated making it the home screen photo on my phone. It’d displace a photo I have of Amanda at her sixteenth birthday party…

I’ll just mark it as a favorite instead.

 

* * *

 

While packing up my leftovers, Mary waltzed over to me – again, holding a wine glass. “Hey, keepin’ it sleazy?”

“Something like that.”

She looked over at Robert folding my beach blankets and chairs up. “He looks good.”

“Robert?”

“Yeah.” She looked at me for a moment, then at him again. “Huh.”

“What’s that mean?”

She downed the rest of her glass and raised a dark eyebrow. “It means I think I owe you a drink at some point.”

She walked over to her husband and took a wine bottle from him to pour another glass, leaving me wondering what on earth that meant.

 

* * *

 

While packing everything up into the car, I caught a glimpse of the clock: it was a little before three. We’d been there almost five hours. As the sun progressed through the sky it’d grown hotter and more people had arrived, but we were leaving near the apex of influx, apparently.

Cars were parked for what seemed like an entire mile in any direction stretching away from the beach, and how could I blame them? It was a very nice day.

I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Amanda passed out against the window with a towel as a makeshift pillow. Robert seemed almost as tired.

“Did you have fun, today?”

He didn’t answer, he just passively watched the scenery pass.

“Did you have fun?”

“I think she’s asleep,” he murmured.

“I meant you. Did _you_ have fun?”

Robert turned to look at me, his bushy, angular eyebrows shooting up. “Did I have fun?”

“Yeah.”

At a stoplight, I looked him in the eyes. He stayed quiet for a moment as he searched my face. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“I don't know if that comes off as a bit juvenile a question, it's just after yesterday…”

A car honked behind me and I gunned the gas after noticing the green light.

“Shit, sorry!”

Robert giggled at me and my face burned. Lessening the insult was how adorable his giggle was.

“After yesterday, I wanted to make sure it was worth going, I guess.”

“Well, yeah,” Robert said. I couldn't look, but I heard him smile. “I got to hang out with Amanda, we built a sand castle.” He laid a hand on my shoulder and leaned in. “I got to give you a massage,” he whispered. “I’m taking a rain check on part two of that, by the way.”

If Robert kept talking like this, I’d have to drive home with a boner. As it stood, my cock already wanted some attention. “What’s part two?”

He didn’t answer, the tease. He just sat back in his seat and smiled sleepily, his arms crossed. I dropped him off in his driveway and gave him a hug.

“Thanks for coming with us, that was fun.”

Robert’s hugs were gradually getting more affectionate – not that I was complaining. He gently rubbed my back before pulling away, ever so lightly holding my biceps.

“Have a good evening,” he said with a soft, tender smile.

My heart yearned for him as I watched him enter his house, rather than come home with me. I parked my car in our driveway and with an ache in my chest, unloaded the car.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see end of chapter notes for a notice of potentially triggering content.

“So, Matt,” Dr. Taft said.

I looked up from my phone, where I was in the middle of reading about a cake that I wanted to try baking for Amanda. It was a strawberry cheesecake with some special fruit reduction sauce that you poured over it when served.

“Yes, Dr. Taft?”

“Please, call me Jason. I know you haven’t spoken much in here, given that this is specifically therapy for Robert, but I had a question for you – possibly several, actually.”

I locked my phone and laid it face down on my thigh to give Jason my full attention. “Shoot.”

“Why are you here?”

“I’m… not sure I understand the question. I’m here because Robert asked me to be here.”

“No, let me be more specific.” Jason pointed at me with his pencil for emphasis. “Why are you _really_ here? This is your ninth time here with Robert. That’s a not insignificant amount of time to spend with someone in _their_ therapy appointments.”

I felt a little hot in my face – like I’d been called out for something embarrassing, though why, I wasn’t sure. There wasn’t anything embarrassing about going to therapy with someone so they were more comfortable, was there?

“I – well, I’m here for moral support, right? That’s what he told you.”

“But you’re still coming, nine sessions in.”

“I—” I looked to Robert for guidance, as if a single raise of his eyebrows in surprise could tell me what to say. “I assume he still wants me here, or at least I haven’t been told otherwise.”

Poor Robert’s face looked bright red under Jason’s scrutiny. “Is this important, doc?”

“I hope you’ll pardon the departure from our usual therapy format, Robert. If I may? I think this is important.”

“Okay.” He leaned back in his seat against the couch and crossed his arms, trying to shrink away from Jason. Maybe also from me.

“So, assuming Robert does still want you here, why do you keep saying yes?”

“Because I—”

I paused to collect my thoughts. There were a lot of reasons for me to still be going, the least of which being how much I wanted him to feel better. There was the rather selfish motive of wanting to start a relationship with him and wanting it to happen a bit quicker. I took a deep sigh and decided to put all – most of – my cards on the table.

“Look, doc. In the short amount of time I’ve known Robert, I also feel like I’ve come to know him pretty well. I think of him as my best friend, most of the time.” I heard Robert quietly gasp. “I really care for him, and I want to see him get better. I want to see him happy. I want to see him _like_ himself for once, instead of putting all his energy into hating.”

Jason nodded along and wrote something down.

“If coming here with him, giving him moral support – even though I’m a little bored – helps him on the road to recovery, if it gets him the help he needs, then I’m absolutely willing to sit here and be bored for him, three times a week.”

Jason looked satisfied with that answer. He looked at Robert, who still looked tiny, balled up in the corner of the couch. “Do you have anything to add?”

Robert looked speechless. He shook his head. I hoped I hadn’t said something off putting.

 

* * *

 

Robert hadn’t said anything to me by the time we sat down in his truck and pulled out of the parking lot. I was really starting to worry that I upset him, or embarrassed him, or something like that.

“You wanna get burgers or something?” he asked.

It startled me in the silence of his truck cabin, suddenly being spoken to again after being on tenterhooks for so long. “Hell yeah, I'd love a burger.”

Robert took me to a place down by the marina. He got a bacon burger, I got a guacamole burger, and some greasy fries to split. We walked on the docks aimlessly until we found one looking out over the marina without any boats in the way.

The burger was great; the fries could be better. It was a little disappointing, actually. Fries were usually my favorite part of burger joints. The view on the other hand was wonderful. Sitting with our legs hanging over the edge, my shoes close to the water made for a tranquil eating experience. Big fish swam underneath us and I saw some ducks off in the distance. I looked at Robert at my side – my best friend – and thought there's nowhere else I'd rather be than there with him.

“I've been thinking about what you told Dr. Taft,” Robert said around a mouthful of fries.

My blood chilled. “Yeah?”

“About caring for me enough to sit there with me three times a week, even though it bores the piss out of you.”

I waited as patiently as I could for him to swallow down his fries, but it was agony waiting for the punchline, the angel choir, or the guillotine.

His eyes – his beautiful brown and amber eyes – locked with mine, and he swallowed nervously. “It means a lot to me, hearing you put it in words.” He looked down into the water, his eyes following fish under the surface. “Maybe this sounds kind of dumb, but hearing you tell a near-stranger somehow made it feel a bit more real? More concrete. Am I making sense?”

I scratched my beard in thought. “I might have told Craig something like it, too.”

Robert's gaze darted up to mine. “Really?”

“You aren't mad, are you? He was my best friend in college. He wouldn't tell a soul.”

“Nah,” he said. He picked up another handful of gross fries and chewed on them for a few moments. “I know you meant every word.”

I laid a hand on his back and he looked in my eyes again. I wanted him to kiss me so badly. I wanted him to say he's ready.

“I think I'm ready to—”

_Oh god._

“—visit Dr. Taft by myself.”

_Oh._

“Yeah?” My voice croaked.

He nodded. “My timing is probably bad; I hope you aren't worried you embarrassed me or something. I do really appreciate you coming with me. I just think I'm comfortable talking to him about my feelings and issues by myself now.”

“Okay. If that changes, let me know. I want to be here for you whenever I can.”

Robert smiled and looked up at the sky. “Thank you. Not sure what I did to deserve you. I'm sure you'll appreciate having your time back, too. You do so much for me already.”

The conversation tapered off there. I stroked my hand down his back and he scooted a bit closer to me. We watched the ducks, the fish, and some boats go by.

“You wanna go camping tomorrow?”

I glanced at him in surprise. “You mean like, to hunt for werewolves or something?”

“The full moon was three days ago.”

My brow shot up in surprise. “Do you always keep track of the moon?”

“All sorts of paranormal shit happens during the full moon, not just werewolves. They have the strongest association with it though. Never seen one myself, but I know they're out there.” He looked off toward the cliffs where the forest was. “Feral werewolves probably roam the mountains all the time, full moon or not.”

He sounded absolutely serious, but before I could question it any more, he kept going.

“If you wanna just go out in the wilderness for a day or two, that'd be fun, too.”

“Up at your thinking spot?”

“If you want.”

“Yeah, that sounds fun!”

Robert's face lit up with glee. “You wanna go?”

“Absolutely.”

“Awesome! I have all the equipment we'll need, just gotta dig it out of the garage.”

He looked so happy it made my heart hurt. I loved that just giving him my time made him feel that way. I hoped it made him feel wanted and valued. The whole drive home, Robert had a smile on his lips and he hummed along to the music.

 

* * *

 

“Hey honey?” I said to Amanda over dinner.

She tore into her hamburger with almost ravenous hunger. It was a little scary. “Yeah?” she asked around her food.

“Robert invited me to go camping tomorrow. Do you wanna go?”

“Camping?” Amanda tried to keep the disgust on her face to a minimum. “Not really…”

I disguised my relief with a small frown. “I figured you wouldn’t want to, but I wanted to ask anyway.”

“Nah, it’s cool. Thanks for thinking of me, though. I have plans with someone from HIA’s Facebook group.”

“Oh, someone lives around here?”

Her face lit up with a smile. “Yeah! She’s really cool.” Amanda rattled off everything she’d learned of her new friend until I thought I’d go cross eyed, but if she was excited, it made me happy. At least I wasn't leaving her to fend for herself.

 

* * *

 

Early Tuesday morning, Robert sent me a message.

From: Robert  
coming around soon  
you got your gear?

To: Robert  
Kind of?

From: Robert  
that’s ok i have everything

I patiently waited for him, watching TV in the living room. I wasn’t entirely sure what to bring, so I packed a backpack with clothes and I had a sleeping bag ready. Robert said he had ‘all the equipment we’ll need,’ I figured taking him at face value was okay.

I looked outside and saw him pull into the driveway. He waved and hopped out, and I brought my backpack outside, realizing how light it was. How much did we need to go camping?

Right away, I noticed how weird it was to see Robert in khaki shorts and a white T shirt. “Hey chief,” he said. “You ready to go camping!?” He briskly rubbed his hands together with an excited grin on his face. “I checked and double-checked everything. We should have enough supplies for one night, that sound good?”

“A night sounds good.”

“Now, about the werewolves question from yesterday. I have a bag here,” he dropped a small duffel bag by his feet, “that has my cryptid-hunting stuff. There’s tranq darts, silver knives, salt, a camcorder and tapes, stuff like that if you _actually_ wanna go look for something, or I can just put it back in my room if you’d rather not.”

“Salt?”

“I’ve never needed it, but you never know when you need to make a protective circle of salt.”

I raised an eyebrow in question. “A circle of salt?”

Robert took out a can of iodized salt from the bag. “Salt is often seen as a ‘pure’ substance. If you make a circle of salt, demons and stuff can’t cross it to harm you. I’d demonstrate, but it’d probably kill your lawn.”

My mouth fell open. “Have you ever encountered a demon before?”

“A few years back, I was in the graveyard one night.” Robert looked deadly serious. “I saw someone in a black trench coat walk into a crypt. I thought it was really suspicious, seeing someone else in the graveyard that late.”

I withheld a chuckle; someone would probably say the same about him. “Yeah?”

“It heard me though, and turned around. Its face was all bloody and its eyes were blackened orbs of fire, and even though I started to panic, I closed the gate on it. Demons can't touch or cross iron, so it was trapped. It grabbed the iron bars and shrieked in pain, and I ran.” His eyes narrowed as he told his story. “I ran until my legs and my lungs hurt. I ran to the closest place I knew would have enough water to submerge and kill a demon in case it followed me: the community swimming pool.”

“What did you do…?”

“I stayed there until morning. Passed out, actually. The pool workers threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave.”

I laughed and smiled. “You’re bullshitting me.”

“Yeah, I’m kidding.” He turned on an e-cig and took a long drag. “Or am I kidding?”

I held back a nervous laugh. “I think I’m good with no hunting this time.”

“Alright. I’m gonna bring the tranq gun anyway, just because you can never be too sure. Is that okay?” I nodded and he pulled it and a few knives out of the bag. “I want you to carry it.” He showed me how to hold, shoot, and reload it, then hastily tacked on how to disable the safety. I hoped I wouldn’t have to use it, though it felt nice that he trusted me with it.

The back of Robert’s truck was loaded up with stuff, although all of it compacted down into two (big) backpacks. He stuffed what wouldn’t fit in his into mine and helped me strap it on to make sure it was as comfortable as possible.

“I gotta be honest, Rob, I haven’t gone camping in a long time. I mean years.”

“That’s okay. The things you really gotta be careful with are staying hydrated and staying cool. We’ll be out in the sun a lot, so sunblock is critical. I don't want you to burn.”

“Okay.”

Robert checked one last time if Betsy had enough food and water, then we got in his truck and started driving toward the forest overlooking the city. “I don't know if you want to just camp at my thinking spot or hike for a while.”

“Hiking somewhere sounds fun.”

It was a gorgeous day, bright sun and not a cloud in the sky. It was also very warm, and I wondered if a sleeping bag would even be needed. It probably wouldn't be comfortable if I didn't use one. Did Robert have pillows?

I caught Robert looking at me every so often during the trip. His eyes would snap right back to the road after.

As we neared our destination, I wondered where we might go, or what we might do. I didn't bring a book or anything, though I did keep the knife he gave me on me all the time, so there was whittling. And talking. I wasn't worried that I'd be bored with him.

He pulled into his thinking spot and double checked to make sure we had everything before locking up.

“I know a few routes through the forest if you want. We could hike over to a cliff closer to the water?”

“That sounds nice.”

“We can also go deeper into the forest and enjoy the quiet.”

I scratched my chin in thought. A view sounded nice, but so did the silence of the forest. We'd probably see the stars better away from the city, too. “Can we visit the cliff, then camp in the forest?”

“Sure!”

We began our trek through the woods. Robert led me with an honest to god compass, but seemed to know exactly where he was going even when he wasn't using it. The trees and foliage grew denser as we went in. I lost cellphone reception early in. Even emergency reception shut down.

The birds and small animals that populated the forest created a symphony of noises that I just didn't get to experience anywhere else. The suburbs still had the quiet drone of cars in the distance, even if I could still hear birds outside.

Robert stopped me and pointed ahead. I looked over his shoulder and saw a group of deer.

“Wow,” I whispered. I slowly took out my phone and snapped a photo.

“Amazing, huh?” Robert said.

The buck looked us right in the eyes as the others drank from a quietly bubbling creek, before they scampered into the distance.

“That was so cool. Do you see things like that all the time out here?”

Robert shook his head. “No. Not really. Animals tend to avoid you. Or me.”

“They're avoiding me. They know I'm an apex predator, ready to strike at a moment’s notice.”

Robert laughed and I got a photo of him smiling. I remembered when Amanda taught me how to put my phone in low power mode; I should do that if I wanted it to last overnight.

When we reached the cliff side, my feet ached, and my legs burned. The sun was far overhead, long past noon. The canopy created lots of shade, though. The ocean below looked incredible, big waves crashing against the stone, churning in angry white froth.

“It's really something, isn't it?” Robert asked.

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, then took a photo of him and snapped one over the cliff of the waves below. We sat on a flat boulder a little way away from the cliff edge, enough to see the water but without the risk of tumbling over the edge.

Robert sighed and looked at me. “Every once in awhile when I came here I…” he diverted his gaze. “I thought about jumping.”

My heart sank as I imagined Robert hurting so much that he'd end everything in such a terrifying way. Plunging into the ocean and letting it take him to a watery grave…

“I used to wonder what the point of everything was. I thought about drowning in a real sea, instead of a sea of regret.”

I turned where we sat on a boulder to fully face him. He did the same, and he looked up at me with an enormous sadness in his eyes.

“I thought, ‘nobody will miss me anyway. Not even my own daughter.’ But…”

I waited patiently for him to continue. This couldn't be easy to share.

“You know, Matt… I don't want to jump anymore.”

I smiled, and he returned it. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I feel like – like I'm better. Not all the way yet, not by far. But at least enough to not want to jump. At least enough to know that there's hope.”

“I'm glad you told me,” I murmured. I laid a hand on his shoulder, both for me and because he seemed to enjoy bodily contact. “It's not… easy… to talk about wanting to die. It isn't easy to hear it, either, but… you aren't alone in that – I think everyone thinks about it, once in a while. Some more than others.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Just don't make a habit of it. But… it's like a weight off your chest, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

The sadness in his expression lifted, going from a resigned frown to something more.

“There's always hope,” I said.

“I still have cravings, but… they're a bit easier to ignore, now.”

“You seem a lot more present and engaged these days.”

“That's funny, cuz I don't _feel_ more engaged. It's like – like I'm not really fully there until I have some booze in me. I’m not thinking right unless I had a drink.”

I frowned and scratched my face. “I didn't know it was like that.”

“Just a little sip and everything would feel fine…”

“Do you feel like you can do it?”

“Most of the time?” he said. He didn't sound certain. “I don't know. I remember a lot more of what happens, though, so that's cool.” Robert looked out over the ocean again. “It's nice, not wanting to jump.”

“Just…” I looked right in his eyes and took a breath to steady myself. “If you ever feel like jumping, or something… please come talk to me, or Dr. Taft.”

“I – I promise I'll talk to one of you.” He looked over the cliff into the ocean. “I promise I won't jump.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. “No one wants you to die, Robert.”

I let my hand linger until, when I pulled away, I gently trailed a thumb along his shoulder. He either didn't notice or didn't mind. I liked to think it was the latter. Then I remembered the night he came back from Brooklyn, when he gently kissed my neck.

_‘I just wanted to remind you how much you mean to me.’_

Definitely the latter. I probably shouldn't second guess myself.

“You ready?” Robert asked.

I stood from my crisscross sitting pose, my legs aching again from the stretch, and shook out the pins and needles. “Yeah, let's head out.”

 

* * *

 

Robert led me what I think was south. Or north. My phone’s compass didn't want to work for some reason. We weren't on beaten path now, so I had to precariously walk between shrubs and ferns, or over rocky, uneven ground. One thing's for sure, this was probably fantastic for my legs.

“Places like this are prime hunting spots for cryptids,” he said. “Far removed from human civilization with tons of hiding spots.”

Every so often we passed a clearing that I thought would be big enough for a tent, maybe a fire. My stomach gurgled every few seconds. “I'm getting hungry.”

“Next clearing we find, we can stop and set up.”

The next clearing happened to be near a big copse of flowering bushes. Blues, reds, and yellows dotted the edge of the area.

“I'm gonna set up the tent, can you unpack the cooking shit?”

Robert had packed a portable canister stove and some prepackaged instant foods, ‘just add water and heat’. Mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, chicken curry (which seemed like a bad idea in the woods, but I guess if he wanted it…), and some beef jerky. Things with carbs and protein.

I followed the instructions as carefully as I could, but it felt like when I accidentally assembled a chair upside-down. Robert finished pitching the surprisingly spacious tent before I could even start the stove. It looked like it could fit a family of four.

“Here, let me help you with that.”

Robert taught me how to assemble the stove and started cooking the macaroni. I set up my sleeping bag and clothes in the tent what I thought was a respectable distance from Robert's, but still close enough to be a bit intimate. If he wanted, of course.

“Food’s done,” Robert called from outside.

We ate in silence, listening to the birds sing. The sun was lower in the sky, nearing late afternoon. I wondered what exactly we'd do to pass the time…

A little while later after Robert slung the food bag over a tall branch about fifty feet away from the tent, he sat down on a fallen log with a smile. “Let's play Truth or Dare.”

“Truth or Dare?” I laughed. “Okay.”

I sat down roughly across from him on a nearby log, and he looked me right in the eyes. “Dare me.”

“I dare you to…” I genuinely wasn't sure what to tell him. There wasn't much out here, and every dare I got when I was a kid was either something that gave you cooties or something that would get you on America’s Funniest Videos. “Eat some of those berries.” I pointed at a nearby plant.

“Those are poisonous, I'm not doing that,” he said with a flat expression. “You get a point.”

“What? No. I'm not taking a point for that.”

“Okay. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth,” I said after a moment of hesitation.

“Have you ever…” Robert scratched his beard. He stared at me with narrowed eyes in thought. “Tell me an embarrassing story from when you were a kid.”

Too many repressed memories came to mind, but I wanted him to laugh, so I went with something from the top shelf. “A boy I liked in fourth grade pulled my pants down during a talent show in front of the fifth-grade classes.”

Robert's mouth dropped, and he laughed hard. “Oh my god! He didn't!”

“He did!” I said with a grin, my cheeks red hot. “His name was Anton and he had shaggy blond hair and I never told him, but I think he figured it out. I didn't have a crush on him after that.”

“Wow,” Robert said, his face a happy, mortified grin. “Truth me, chief.”

“What is… a secret you kept from your family growing up?”

“I used to masturbate three or four times a day.”

Had I been drinking I would have spat it up. “Three or four?!” I asked, completely incredulous.

Robert nodded sagely. “My cock got a lot of workouts. Sometimes at school.”

“No way.”

“I did!” he insisted. “I got so good at stealthy selfies I once jacked it in a bathroom stall during the break period rush.”

My jaw hung open.

“I'm serious, either no one cared or were too embarrassed to stop me, or they didn't notice.”

“Wow. Truth.”

“Same question, tell me a secret.” He had a smug smirk and crossed his arms like he'd put me in checkmate.

Something equally salacious… “I tried to suck my own dick a lot in early high school.”

Robert's eyebrows shot up. “Did – did you do it? I never…”

“I got as far as my cock head but never any further. I accidentally shot a load all over my face once.”

Robert gaped at me. “No way. Your face?!”

I nodded and chuckled. “Yup!”

Robert put his face in his hands and sat in silence for a moment. “I didn't know it was even _possible…_ can you still…?”

“No, that ship has long since sailed.”

He let out a heavy sigh and looked up at me, then diverted his eyes. His face looked flush.

“What?”

“Debating confessing something to you.”

“Do it,” I said. I pounded my thighs with my fists. “Do it, do it, do iiiiiiit.”

“I… got like. Four inches away from my cock after yoga last Tuesday.”

“Oh my god,” I laughed, a hand over my heart in shock. “You tried it _that_ recently?”

“I got so close!” he yelled. It scared a few birds away. “I got so close I could practically taste victory. But my back started to hurt after a few minutes, so I had to stop and…”

I gestured for him to keep going.

“I had to ice my back,” he said through gritted teeth and a hard frown.

“Oh god, I'm sorry,” I laughed, almost cackling with glee.

“You are not,” he growled, pointing an accusing finger at me. “Dare me, dammit.”

“Sing the chorus of your favorite song.”

Robert crossed his arms in thought, his eyes darting all over the place. _“Evil Ways_ doesn't have a chorus.”

“Pick something else?”

He sighed, and after a few moments, started gruffly singing in bass. “Oh, how we danced... with the Rose of Tralee! Her long hair black… as… a ra-ven!” It didn’t quite sound like he could pull off the heavy staccato, his voice was a bit too smooth and sultry. “Oh, how we danced and you whis-pered to me… You’ll neeeeeever be goooooing back home!”

I clapped for him and his grumpy frown melted away into a bashful smile.

“I can't do it justice,” he said in disappointment. “He sounds like a barking dog in it and I just… can't do that!”

“That’s okay, I like your voice more than his anyway. Okay, my turn. Dare,” I spat out, before Robert could respond to my compliment.

Robert stared with an eyebrow raised before his lips curled up in a devious smile. “Pee into the wind.”

I wasn’t quite sure I heard him right. “I’m sorry, did you – did you just say, ‘pee into the wind?’”

“I said, pee into the wind.”

I focused on the forest for a moment: the rustling of leaves, the birds, the greenery everywhere, and I realized… “What wind?”

Robert held up a finger and after a moment, furrowed his brow. “Well that's dumb. Nevermind, I guess. Do the…” He stroked his beard. “Do the Twist.”

I got up off the log and stood ready to do the Twist, but… “I forgot how to do the Twist.”

Robert sighed and got up, too. “Alright, I’ll show you. Stand like this, then… move one foot forward. Arms out like this… now twist your hips. Shift your center of gravity, that’s it!”

We both danced the Twist in the middle of the clearing. He burst out into laughter and doubled over.

“What?”

“We both look ridiculous, let’s sit down. Give me a hard one, now. Truth.”

After I sat down – a bit closer to him – I thought of something potentially devious. “What did you think about Val saying you could be a film history professor?”

“Um…”

Robert bent over to sit like _The Thinker._ I secretly took a photo of him like that – a little bit because it bulged up his biceps, a bit because it showed off his hairy calves, too.

“I’m kind of old, if you haven’t figured that out yet.” I chuckled. “I actually looked into it, but I’d need a few years of schooling before I could do it, so…” He shrugged and sat up in a normal pose again. “I don’t know if it’d be worth it. Maybe if I could do it right away?”

I processed his response for a few moments. I couldn't think of anything to say, or any way he could do it short of volunteering for something. It wouldn't be for pay, but he was okay on the money front already.

“Truth or dare?” he asked.

“Dare me again.”

“Dammit, I can't think of any good ones!” he griped. “Ninety percent of dares people come up with are sex-related.”

I wouldn't exactly say no, if it wouldn't hurt him…

He pointed at me with a half-smirk. “I dare you to go commando for the rest of the camping trip.”

“What?” I recoiled in surprise. “You mean like… even sleep nude?”

“Uh huh!” he nodded, his smile getting more intense. “Wasn't expecting that, huh?”

“I – no.” I sputtered. “I wasn't.”

“Do you accept?”

I glared as intensely as I could at him. I didn't want to lose, but I didn't want to _chafe._ “Fine. I'll be right back…”

Robert cackled as I walked into the tent to strip my pants and boxer briefs. At least I made him laugh. I waved my underwear like a white flag of surrender and he jumped to his feet and took a deep drag off an e-cig. “Cute color, dark blue. Boxer briefs? Good taste.” He raised one of his bushy, _adorable_ eyebrows. “Truth me.”

“Did you ever walk in on your parents having sex?”

He immediately recoiled, waving me off with a loud groan. “God… I repressed that. Yes. It was horrible. It haunted me for weeks, couldn't get a boner without it popping in my head.”

I heaved out a few hard laughs and his grimace softened into a smile. “I'm sorry,” I choked out between gasping fits. My lungs hurt. “That sounds awful!”

“It _was,”_ he muttered, then took another drag. “Truth or dare?” he asked, smoke billowing around his head.

“Truth.”

“Hmm… _au naturel,_ or manscaping?”

“What?” I had no idea what that meant.

“Do you leave your junk totally untrimmed,” Robert said, pantomiming a picture frame around his lap, “or do you clean it up to look neat and tidy?”

“Oh, manscaping, definitely.”

“Nice, me too.”

I didn't ask, but… it was nice to know what to expect down below if we ever got to that point. I hoped we would, some day; after all, I wanted to make him happy in more sensual ways, too.

Hopefully someday soon.

 

* * *

 

For dinner, Robert made spicy southwest stew for himself with a cook-in-pouch instant meal kit. He let me pick my meal and I asked for the asiago pasta primavera, which sounded fancier than anything one should have access to while camping. Still, even though it was cooked in a pouch, it was surprisingly good.

“You wanna split the peach and berry cobbler bag?” he asked, after he washed his hands with fresh water from a jug.

“That sounds awesome, yes please.”

The sun had gone down by now, and the temperature with it. Robert had made a small fire with nearby fallen logs and a ring of stones. It crackled every few minutes whenever the wood split, and the bright flames cast long shadows.

I whittled next to him as he cooked the cobbler in the portable stove can. While I was shooting for a tiny wooden Betsy, it ended up looking a bit more like a crocodile with a very short snout.

“I didn't pick a thick enough stick…” I murmured.

Robert looked at my work. “Tell me about this.”

“I was trying to carve Betsy,” I said, resting it on my palm. “See? It just looks less like a dog and more like a platypus.”

“Hey, nothing wrong with what you've made. It's still recoverable. Just carve carefully, slowly. You might not make Betsy this time, but you're making a hell of a platypus.”

I smiled and laughed, and looked at Robert. The fire lit him up in all the right ways, the shadows accentuating everything about his face. The orange light from the fire made his eyes almost glow a handsome amber, and his lips looked so plush and kissable. I wondered how soft his beard was. He'd been taking good care of it; I swear I saw a beard brush in his bathroom the last time I was at his house.

“The cobbler’s done,” he said, turning to look at me and pausing to lock eyes with me when he noticed me staring. His eyes wandered over my face, and my heart skipped a beat. Was he thinking of kissing me, too?

He returned his attention to the cobbler and poured some out onto a bamboo plate. “Here's yours.”

Robert ate his out of the pouch, while I ate mine off the plate with a tiny bamboo fork. Apparently they biodegraded within a few weeks if left outside, for less garbage to carry back.

“I wish I had brought the stuff for s’mores,” he said. “This cobbler is good, though.”

“Nothing beats actual campfire s’mores.”

“Right?”

After he slung the food pack over a high up tree branch, Robert packed everything up into the tent, leaving the fire to smolder.

It was so late I'd begun to yawn every few minutes. All that hiking was exhausting.

After pissing in the shadow of a tall tree, I meandered back into camp and into the tent to change in the confines of my sleeping bag. I forgot that Robert had dared me to go commando until I stripped to nearly nude. I hastily pulled an undershirt from my backpack on and nestled deeper into my sleeping bag. Robert, similarly, fought with his clothing while bundled up, though he opted for boxers and no shirt at all.

“Hey,” he said, after zipping the tent shut. I rolled over to face him, inadvertently getting a nice view of his hairy chest in the darkness as he burrowed into his sleeping bag. When he was fully situated and comfortable, he imperceptibly smiled; I wished it were brighter so I could see him better. “Today was fun.”

“Yeah. Today was awesome.”

Robert hummed something. “Good night.”

“Good night, Rob.”

 

* * *

 

I was startled awake by a loud growl. I froze, wondering if it was just a terrible imaginary noise, but when I turned to look at Robert, the remains of the fire outside was still bright enough to filter in and illuminate his horrified face.

“What was that?” I whispered.

Something outside made a loud crack, and it didn't sound like the fire.

“Shh!” Robert warned.

A low, long growl displaced every other noise from the nighttime forest and my heart pounded in my chest in fear. I heard it – whatever ‘it’ was – moving around outside, pacing around the campsite. Even though it was the middle of July, it felt unnaturally cold.

“I left the food hanging, right?” Robert whispered.

I think he saw me nod, because he nodded too.

Whatever was outside barked, but it didn't sound like any dog I'd ever heard – or a dog at all. We both shot straight up, and Robert leaned over to inspect the tent door. It looked zipped up to me, but…

It growled behind us, and I clutched for Robert. He wrapped around me too, hanging on tighter than any hug I'd ever gotten.

“It's okay,” he whispered in my ear. “I – I have a knife, and you – the – the tranq gun.”

“Yeah.” I groped for it at my side, and switched off the safety.

Its footsteps were so loud, keeping track of where it was took no effort. For a few moments I thought it was a bear, but it didn't sound like a bear from any nature show I'd watched before. It was circling the tent toward the front.

“Oh god…” I choked out.

“It's okay,” Robert whispered again, stroking down my back. “Just stay quiet.”

Even in the dim light I saw its claws press against and distort the canvas. Robert gasped, and grabbed something at his side. I caught a glint of metal when he pointed it toward the front flap.

“Matt,” Robert said. “I want you to know something.”

“What?”

“I—” Another loud growl near the fire pit. “I just – I just want you to know that you mean the world to me.”

My heart soared even with the fear paralyzing me, and I hugged him tighter against me, my entire arm plastered against his warm, bare back.

The thing – whatever it was – pawed at a side wall of the tent. Robert bit back a whimper right next to my ear. “You mean the world to me and… I'll – I'll protect you with my life if I have to,” he whispered, his face almost buried in my neck.

Hearing it filled me with a wonderful warmth that left me speechless. I held on tight because I loved him. I _loved him,_ and I wanted him to know. I wanted it to give him strength and give him joy. I wanted it to give him the bravery to keep going even when he hurt so bad he wanted to quit.

If we were gonna die, I needed him to know.

“Robert, I—”

“Wait,” he interjected. “I think it's leaving.”

The loud footsteps gradually faded into the distance until only the sounds of the fire softly smoldering remained. Robert relaxed, though he stayed close and kept holding me.

“It's over. It's okay,” he heaved out. He dropped the knife, and I set the gun on the ground again. I could barely make out him locking eyes with me. “What were you saying?”

 _I love you._ “I'm – I'm really glad you never jumped. You mean a lot to me, too.”

Robert and I sat in silence for a few minutes, loosely holding each other in the quiet, dark forest, my pulse gradually slowing and his tension leaving his body. I didn't want to let go.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I think so. I was so scared,” he whispered.

“It's okay, now.”

“I guess we should try to sleep,” he said. We gradually let go, his hands pulling away from my back, and he bundled up in his sleeping bag again.

It felt like a loss, letting go after such a beautiful bonding moment. I lay in the dark, listening to the fire as it quietly crackled and threw dim shadows on the tent wall. Robert stirred behind me and moved his sleeping bag – a lot. It sounded like he moved it right behind me, then he lay a hand on my arm.

He wordlessly patted me, and out of curiosity I offered my hand. He grasped it gently, lacing our fingers together, and lay down behind me again, trying to hug me with one arm. It was a little awkward with the sleeping bags confining us, but it seemed like he wanted to be my big spoon.

His breathing slowed, and I held his hand against my heart, trying to tell him how much I cared without words.

 

* * *

 

I woke alone. The sun was up and did its best to filter in through the thin canvas of the tent. I heard someone walking around outside and sat up to stretch.

Robert was wandering around the campground, shirtless and arms akimbo, a bewildered look on his face. When he saw me, he bit his lip to hold back a laugh. “You know you're still commando, right?”

I looked down at my cock standing at half-mast and pulled my undershirt down to cover myself in a panic.

Robert laughed with a big smile. “It's fine, I don't mind.”

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to figure out what was snooping around last night.”

I didn't see any evidence of… anything at all.

“There's no footprints. There's no way something that big didn't leave footprints. Jesus,” Robert sighed. He kneaded the bridge of his nose and checked the tent. “Look. There's claw rips in the canvas.”

I turned around to look where he pointed and saw small tears in the tent wall. “Maybe we should have brought your cryptid hunting kit after all.”

“We probably would have been more ready for it. You really don’t want to be caught cornered by… whatever the hell that was.” Robert turned to face me. “Well, I’m thoroughly creeped out. You wanna hike back to the truck and go home?”

“Okay. Uh… how do we get back?”

“It's west of here. Don't worry, I know where we are.”

All while we cleaned and packed up the campground, I missed feeling Robert against my back, his hand holding mine.

 

* * *

 

“Here we are, home sweet home,” Robert said as he pulled into my driveway in reverse. “That was a fun trip.” He shrugged. “Aside the whole ‘almost dying’ part.”

“You didn't think almost dying to a creature of the night was the coolest part?” I teased.

Robert snorted e-cig vapor out his nose, making him look like a bull ready to charge. “I guess it was pretty cool.”

“It was awesome!” It also led to a moment of bonding and intimacy that I'd cherish for years to come. “We should go again, some time. _With_ your cryptid kit.”

“You wanna go cryptid hunting with me?” Robert asked, looking like a kid on Christmas Day with wide eyes and a reserved smile.

“Well, yeah. You love that stuff. Why wouldn't I want to do that with you?”

“I never could get Mary to go with me, and she's my best—she's one of my best friends.”

The correction didn't escape me. I liked to think he was adding me to the category.

“Well, if you wanna go, I guess it's official.” He slapped me on the shoulder and pulled me into a hug before I could undo my seatbelt. “I have to go see Dr. Taft, I'll catch you later.”

“Have a good day.”

When I unlocked the front door, Amanda ran up to give me a hug. “Hi dad!” She pulled away with a disgusted grimace after less than a second of hugging time. “Oh, god! You smell gross!”

“Sorry, I've been hiking all morning!”

“Well at least you had fun.”

I needed a shower and a homecooked meal (microwaved things included under this umbrella), but I supposed the shower would have to come first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Robert talks about his previous desire to commit suicide.


	8. Chapter 8

Robert seemed unusually quiet while walking to yoga on Thursday. He smoked the whole walk, too. At least it wasn’t a real cigarette, that would be really awful for him to do while walking.

Speaking of, it was nice that we walked to yoga, now, partly because it made me feel like I was actually being healthy. Decent figure or not, it didn’t matter much if I got winded easily. The other part was I got to spend time with him. I knew how he felt, he knew how I felt; just being with him felt like bonding.

Except today.

After ten minutes of walking in dead quiet, I had to remind myself of his view of silence, but he didn’t seem fully there. I was a little afraid of the silence. He didn’t look drunk, and he didn’t smell like alcohol, so it wasn’t like he wasn’t present because of that. He just seemed distracted.

“Hey, you doing okay, man?”

“Hm?” Robert stopped walking and puffed a cloud of vapor to his side.

“You’ve seemed really quiet today, more than usual.”

“Oh. Sorry. It’s not you, or anything. I’m just thinking, is all.”

“Okay. Well if you wanna talk about it, I’m all ears.”

Robert patted me on the back and started walking me toward the gym again. “I know. Thanks, buddy.”

 

* * *

 

At the suggestion of the yoga instructor, I stayed focused on myself. I barely even looked at Robert, but when I did he seemed as reserved as I was. When it came time for the Savasana, I couldn’t clear my thoughts. I stayed acutely aware of how long the Savasana was. I wasn’t supposed to, but I glanced at Robert again and saw him staring up at the ceiling. He must still be having difficulty.

On the way home, he growled as he angrily glared at his e-cig. “Fuck… the rest are home charging and this cartridge is empty…”

“Hey, no worries, we’re almost there.” I laid a hand on his back and he relaxed under me.

“I know… I just – the Savasana sucked.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I watched him as we walked. Every feature of his face was tense with frustration. “I’m sorry, it’s not you. I’m – Jason gave me some homework that’s bothering me. This sucks to say, but, I really don’t want to talk about it with anyone. You deserve to know what's up, though.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.” He looked me in the eyes and frowned. The sun really brought out the details in his irises. “I'm cool with just being company, you know that.”

He sighed and fondly smiled. “Yeah… thanks.”

When we walked up to my house, I stopped and faced him. I gave him a small smile, hoping it'd encourage him.

He brought me in for a close hug, leaving very little space between us. I leaned into it and held him close. He smelled really nice. “I'll catch you later,” he said.

“Catch you later.”

I waited until he walked home and shut the door behind him. I worried a little bit, but I hoped it was for nothing.

 

* * *

 

After going so long spending at least a bit of time with him almost every day, it was strange having so much time to myself, now. It gave me the opportunity to do some baking, some extra work, some more cleaning, watch more of the cooking channel…

My life was boring.

Robert didn't text me or anything for the rest of Thursday. He didn't message me on Friday, either.

I was on the couch, watching one of those stupid shows about aliens on earth centuries ago, when someone knocked. It was a bit late for the mail, and Amanda hadn't alerted me of any guests she expected.

When I opened the door, I thought I had been transported to a parallel world, because Robert stood there in a black suit with—

Were those roses?

“Um, h-hi,” he stammered. “These – these are for you.” He gently handed me the bouquet of roses almost as bright red as his cheeks.

I searched him to see if something was amiss, and over his shoulder I caught a glimpse of Brian across the street, gaping in awe as he watered his lawn.

“Matt, I want to – hold on.” Robert took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “There's something I want to ask you.”

With how formal he looked – dear God, Robert looked good in a suit – and the gift of flowers, I felt a bit like a blushing bride waiting for her groom’s vows.

“You—I—dammit.”

“Robert, please. Just relax. It's me.”

“You're right,” he murmured. His eyes met mine and he began, slowly. “Matt. Let me take you out to dinner. On a date. A real date.”

My heart skipped a beat as I looked in his warm, beautiful eyes, his face wrought with anxiety, and I wondered why he was so nervous. “A date?” I asked, hesitantly. “Are you sure?”

“I'm sure. I think I'm ready for a relationship.”

I leaned around him to look across the street. “Robert, can we talk about this inside?” Brian's jaw had dropped so low I thought it might fall off, and he paid so little attention to what he was watering I thought he might drown his plants.

“Yeah, of course.”

I let him in, feeling incredibly disadvantaged because I was in pajama pants, and sat him down on the couch while I got a vase for the roses. When I came back he had an e-cig between his lips, and was adjusting his cufflinks. He had _cufflinks._ “Okay, talk to me,” I said as I sat down next to him, laying a hand on his arm.

“Okay…” he took a deep, nervous drag and blew the vapor out toward the ceiling. “Matt… I really care for you. You've shown me so much compassion and encouragement over the last few months. You see things in me that no one else even bothers to look for. You give and give to me, and… you've barely asked for anything in return.”

I nodded along. It sounded both like he'd rehearsed this, and like he didn't know what to say at the same time.

“Go on a date with me?” he asked with a hopeful smile. He was such a beautiful soul. I couldn't believe I was so lucky. “Are you gonna say anything, or…?”

“Sorry,” I chuckled. “It just sounds like you've practiced a lot of this and I don't want to interrupt.” He hesitated, and I took the opening. “Are you sure you're ready? I mean… I—”

“I'm still a work in progress, and I will be for a while, but… I've been sober for – for almost two months, I quit smoking, I get counseling three times a week…” He bit his lip as he looked at me.

“I'm okay with waiting if you aren't ready. I mean… I'm not exactly in the market for a boyfriend other than you.”

“Look, I talked to Jason about this. _Twice._ He challenged me to do this, he thinks I'm ready to start this. I want to be with you.” He took my hands in his and gently stroked, looking deep in my eyes with a soulful, tender gaze. “I want to be with you,” he murmured.

I thought I might faint from how sweet his speech was. “It really sounds like you're sure about this. I just – you know why I want you to be sure.” He nodded as he kept softly stroking my hands. “I really want things with you to be good, and healthy. I really want _us_ to last.”

Robert looked like his eyes might spill over. “It – it means a lot to me to hear that. I want to give back to you. I want to make you happy,” he said.

I couldn't help but grin, even though I tried my best to hide how smitten I was. “Okay.”

“Really?” He sounded so surprised it shocked me, like he was second guessing every interaction we'd had for weeks. His smile threatened to crack his face in half, and he reached in to cup my face and give me a slow, tender kiss.

I curled around him as his lips and tongue met mine, his big, scarred hands gentle on me. He tasted like mint and his hands shuddered as he stroked me and carded his fingers through my hair. It was absolutely perfect. When we separated, the taste of his lips still on mine, he looked in my eyes, his face inches from mine. “I really care for you, Matt.”

“I care for you too, Rob.”

“It feels wonderful to finally be able to say that.”

“It does,” I said with a big smile. “I have one condition to dating, though.”

Robert's face fell, his nervousness instantly returning in full force. “Yeah?”

“No sex. Not for a while.”

He breathed a sigh of relief and adjusted his collar – he had a tie? Damn. For a while I was starting to think he was violently allergic to formal clothes. “I was gonna get to that; I agree. Although, can I hear your reasoning?”

“You and I both know you've talked to Jason about how sex is a coping mechanism for you, and you objectify your sex partners and yourself and you can end up feeling used and dirty after.”

Robert nodded sheepishly.

“I don't think it'd be healthy to do anything… uh, sexual, together until you can work past that.”

“Jason… brought up all of those points. He thinks it'd be better to start very slow, and work on being physically intimate in… other ways, first.”

“You make it sound so clinical that way,” I chuckled.

Robert laughed and lightly pushed my shoulder. “Deal.”

I really liked the idea of more physical intimacy with Robert. It was hard to resist someone I had such chemistry with, but he ramped up the difficulty with how damn beautiful he was. But, I wanted him to feel good after sex with me, not bad.

“Where are you taking me for dinner?”

“ _The Gilded Platter_.”

My jaw dropped. “Isn't that the really fancy restaurant that requires formal wear and stuff?”

“The one and only. Why do you think I'm wearing a vest, for god’s sake? I said before, you've given me so much in the past and so much to look forward to when I used to struggle to get out of bed every day. I want to show you how much I appreciate you, how much I care.”

“You're such a sweetheart,” I teased.

He blushed a deep crimson. “I have a reservation for an hour from now.”

“An hour? Well then, I better go get ready!”

I knocked on Amanda's door before I began. She shut off her music and opened it to talk to me more directly. “Sup, pops?”

“I'm going out to dinner, order a pizza for yourself or something.”

“Hell yeah! Pizza again!” She pumped her fist and gave me a hug. “Thanks, Dad! Have fun.”

After I showered, I carefully shaved down to stubble again and styled my hair to look as suave as possible. Now that Robert and I were officially an item, I had a good excuse to dress to impress.

I didn't have that much in the way of formal clothes, but I at least had a black twill blazer I wore to a friend’s wedding. I wouldn't look as fancy as Robert but at least it'd probably pass the _Gilded Platter’s_ standards.

Robert was on the couch, patiently texting with an e-cig between his lips when I came out into the living room. He looked up and the e-cig fell out of his mouth. “Wow, you look great.”

“Thanks,” I chuckled. “You aren't half-bad yourself.”

“Ready, then?”

“Are you gonna open your truck door for me?” I asked, batting my eyelashes.

“Uh, about that. Can we take your car? My truck isn't exactly…”

“Say no more, we can take mine.”

Brian and Craig were across the street in Craig's yard when Robert and I left the house. I saw them glance between each other and us – Brian’s jaw dropping _again_ – so I waved casually to allay suspicion. I didn't know how public Robert wanted to be and they said rather rude things about people who assume.

“Can I drive?”

“Sure.” I tossed Robert my keys and he deftly caught them.

I didn't know where the _Gilded Platter_ was, but Robert seemed to be driving toward the marina. Maybe it overlooked the water like the seafood restaurant did.

Tom Waits was on the radio. I recognized the song from Robert mimicking the chorus while we were camping.

“Oh, this is the song! He does sound like a barking dog.”

“This is one of my favorites, he made some really unusual stuff whenever he was in a creative rut.”

The quiet between us felt different, now. There wasn't any tension to it before, but I ascribed more intimacy to it than I did before. Like Robert wasn't just comfortable sharing silence with me, but wanted my company for it. Maybe I was reading into it too far. Maybe I was just really happy to be there with him.

When we arrived, a valet took my car and gave us a fancy keychain to identify it. A concierge at the front asked for our names, and seated us at a window booth overlooking the ocean from above.

“Wow, they gave us the good seats.”

“I _reserved_ the good seats,” he added, puffing out his chest.

Robert and I declined wine or spirits when a waiter came by, but I had to look at the menu for a while. Apparently, this was a four-course restaurant; I'd never been to one before.

I looked up from my menu to see Robert gazing at me with a soft smile. “What're you lookin’ at?” I asked with a playful tone.

“Can I call you my boyfriend?”

I felt warm and fuzzy inside and had to hold back a smile.

“Or would you rather something else?”

“I would love to be your boyfriend, Robert.”

He gave a shy grin and reached across the table to gently take my hand in his, and I stroked him with my thumb. I wanted to tell him how I really felt – how much I loved him – but it felt too soon. I wanted him to have as much agency as he could in this, to give him the chance to heal and grow while we embarked on our romantic journey together.

Right. The menu.

I picked out the _Gilded Platter_ salad, steak tartare, cherry pine nut chicken, and Japanese raspberry cheesecake. This was shaping up to be expensive, but Robert seemed dead set on treating me. I avoided looking at the price of the meal and ordered when the waiter came by.

Robert hadn't let go of my hand while ordering. I think he'd been using lotion, because his skin was soft and warm.

“You look unfairly good in a suit,” I said.

“Really?”

“Are you kidding me? Hold on.” His solid black coat and vest contrasted his white dress shirt and carefully styled graying hair and beard, everything combining to make him look like a distinguished gentleman. I took out my phone. “Think of when we snuck in that movie theatre.”

Robert's lips curled up in an adorable, wistful smile and I snapped a photo of him. I showed him, and he blushed. “Fuck yeah, I rock this.”

I laughed and hid the phone from him. “You know what else you rock?”

“What?”

I swiped to the photo of him on the beach standing like a superhero and showed him the photo.

“Damn right,” he said with a cheeky grin.

The view was stunning. The restaurant sat on an outcropping above the marina, overlooking the ocean, the entire marina, and a good deal of the city. I watched an enormous boat glide into dock and pointed it out. “Look at the yacht that just docked. It's huge!”

“Eugh. That's Joseph's,” he muttered with a scowl.

“Oh.”

Robert shook his head. “Lots of memories – good _and_ bad – associated with that.”

I stared at it for a few moments. It was at least a few hundred yards away and below us from where we were. Maybe he'd tell me what happened in more detail someday. Maybe I'm better off not knowing.

“Have you ever been here?”

“Pft, a guy like me?” Robert scoffed.

“Yeah, you're right, what was I thinking?” I winked, and he chuckled. “Where’d you hear of it?”

“Some… newspaper review, or something.”

I took in the surroundings of rich woods and plush seats. Our table had a marble top that felt cold to the touch. A live pianist played soft, moody tunes on a small stage.

“I'll try not to get too attached to this place, for my wallet’s sake.”

The waiter brought out the first course. He set a salad down for me, and a plate with a few seared prawns for Robert. My salad had a light, flavorful dressing with bacon and croutons to give it some crunch. Robert didn't seem sure whether he should eat with his silverware or with his hands. He settled on silverware, though he carefully secured his fancy crimson napkin in his collar first to spare his suit.

It started to sink in what Robert asked earlier: _‘Can I call you my boyfriend?’_ Robert was my _boyfriend_ now. We were dating now. Officially. I could hug him or kiss him whenever I wanted, and it wouldn't be crossing a line.

“You seem like you're entertained,” Robert said. He had a prawn on his fork and pointed at me with it. “What's with the silly grin?”

“I'm just thinking about how you're my boyfriend, now.”

Robert smiled as he chewed the prawn. “I'm real excited about it, too.”

I wondered how Amanda would react. She liked Robert as a friend, but how would she like him as my boyfriend? How would she like him as her father?

We ate the rest of the first course in silence. Robert looked so content to sit there with me, holding my hand over the table when we weren't eating, that I almost didn't want to say anything at all.

The waiter brought out the second course, setting down my steak tartare and Dungeness crab for Robert. His was in crab cake form, but my tartare looked like a thick, raw hamburger patty with an egg yolk on top. It had fried potato wedges and capers with it. I had no idea how I was supposed to eat it.

“Uh…” Scooping eggy meat on a potato wedge with a fork seemed to work well enough… “Hey,” I said. Robert looked up while lifting crab cake and truffle to his lips. “I just realized I don't know your birthday.”

After Robert swallowed the bite he'd readied, he patted his mouth clean. “Um… October twenty-seventh.”

“October, huh?” That made him a Scorpio, I think.

“Born right in the thick of Halloween season.”

“With werewolves and ghosts and vampires, oh my?”

He chuckled and nodded. “I didn't choose the cryptid-hunting life, I was born into it.”

“That must have been really fun, growing up.”

Robert smiled and looked off into the distance. “Every year I’d get a Halloween costume as one of my birthday gifts, and then we'd have my cake on Halloween after we went trick or treating, instead of on my actual birthday. Mom decorated the house with lots of spooky stuff and it was always worth the extra few days of waiting.”

“Wow, that sounds so cool.”

“One year I got the fanciest Frankenstein costume I've ever seen. They don't make them like they used to. I visited the rich neighborhood and got tons of full size candy bars.”

“Rich people always had the best candy.”

“I lived in a poorer neighborhood, but mom always made sure I had a great birthday.” He sighed and picked at his crab cake.

“You miss her?”

“Yeah… never found her body.”

“What? You're kidding.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I'm kidding. She still lives back home in Brooklyn. Nicer place now, thank god. Little bit senile but she's a sweet old thing. When's your birthday?”

“November nineteenth. There wasn't ever that much special about mine. Mom was around, I had friends come over. Dad remained really impersonal the whole time. Mom liked to say she was thankful for my birthday around Thanksgiving, you know how parents are.”

“We’re not immune to making terrible jokes,” Robert said with a grin.

“I called Amanda a real senior citizen a few months ago.”

Robert almost spat up his bite of crab cake and had to cover his mouth to laugh. “I was eating!” he exclaimed around his food.

I finished off the tartare on one of the potato wedges. It wasn't the most incredible thing I'd ever eaten, but it was pretty good; maybe not to my taste enough to order again.

The sun cast long shadows over the water outside. It was still July, so we had a few more hours of daylight. I'd never seen a sunset over the water – I wondered what it looked like.

The waiter brought the main course out to us, setting cherry pine nut chicken in front of me, and a salmon platter in front of Robert. They both looked incredible. The chicken had a lovely sweetness and crunch to it. Other than sweet and sour sauce I'd never had sweet chicken before, but it made for an interesting taste.

“How's the salmon?”

“Good. You want a bite?”

“Sure!”

I patiently waited for Robert to cut off a piece to put on my plate, but instead he lifted it up across the table with a hand under to catch it. He nodded when I looked in question, and I leaned forward to bite it off his fork. It made him smile a funny little affectionate grin and the salmon tasted amazing.

I cut off a piece of chicken, getting plenty of pine nuts and a cherry on it, and held it up for him. He blushed and ate it off the fork, carefully sealing his lips to get every morsel. While he chewed, he held my hand again and I felt his shoes bump into me. I smirked at him and tried to tangle our legs together until his warm, beefy calves were locked with mine.

“Val was right, you know,” he said.

“About what?”

“Sharing feelings.” He took another bite of salmon and I cut in.

“Yeah? You mean like, in general, or…?”

“Well… my life feels a lot better now that I'm not bottling everything up. But telling people—telling _you_ that I care, just… seems to make both of us happier.”

“You're not wrong.” I watched him fight his lips curling up in a smile. “What?”

He let out a laugh through his nose. “I'm just resisting telling you how I feel about you for the umpteenth time tonight.”

“Well,” I started, gently trailing a finger along the back of his hand. It looked like it gave him goosebumps. “It _does_ brighten up my day.”

“Well… there are a lot of things you make me feel that I don't really know how to put into words yet. You make me feel warm and… cozy? And my heart kind of hurts when I think of you.”

I held a hand over my chest. “Like in a bad way?” I totally wasn't fishing for more.

“No, like – like I can't believe I'm sitting here having a romantic dinner with you, and you're my _boyfriend_ now. Six months ago, I couldn’t imagine having a relationship, especially not with someone like you. I – I don't know, maybe I'll figure out how to word it at some point.”

“I think that says a lot.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

When the conversation lulled, I stroked a leg up and down Robert's. He bristled a bit at the contact, though I wasn’t sure why. I looked toward where Robert’s eyeline had shifted to see the waiter coming with our desserts. Robert stuffed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on the table as the waiter left the bill at his side. After he left, Robert turned and glared.

“You gave me a boner!” Robert hissed.

“How would he have even seen? You're in a black suit and it's dim in here!”

“That's not the point,” Robert said. He laughed through gritted teeth and his annoyed façade fell apart.

I reached under the table and grabbed his leg to gently stroke him, lightly massaging him with my fingertips. He certainly seemed to enjoy it, as he had to readjust his pants.

For dessert I had a Japanese raspberry cheesecake, while Robert had a wide waffle cone with purple ice cream covered in assorted berries and granola. They both looked delicious and I could hardly wait to try them. After my first bite of pillowy soft cheesecake made me moan from the flavor – making Robert raise an eyebrow – I held out a forkful for him to try.

“Cheesecake can be really hit or miss,” he said before taking the bite. His other eyebrow joined its brother and he nodded approvingly. “Wow.”

Robert game me a big spoon of mixed berry ice cream and crunchy granola. I still had his leg in my grasp while we ate our last course, feeding half of it to each other in the process.

I hoped Robert felt as giddy and happy to be here together as I did. Since… the accident, I hadn't put much effort into my own life, just Amanda's. It was really nice to have someone special again, maybe someone to share my life with.

Robert took out his wallet and looked at the bill. He grimaced, wrote down the tip, and slid a credit card into the check presenter.

“I can help cover if it's too much,” I said.

“It's fine, I promise. It's just… a bigger number than I expected, is all,” Robert replied with a nervous laugh. “I just can't work overtime to make up for it,” he muttered.

“Was it worth it?”

“Are you kidding?” he asked, incredulous.

“I dunno. Am I?” I asked with a grin.

“That's not—” he started, but he laughed through the rest of his sentence and I couldn't understand him. “A date with you is absolutely worth it.”

 

* * *

 

After such a long evening in a suit, it'd be nice to throw on some casual clothes. I eagerly awaited getting home, but at the same time, as we pulled into my driveway, I wondered if Robert had anything else planned for the evening.

After I parked, I turned in my seat to face him. He locked eyes with me and smiled. “Do you have… plans?”

“Nothing I couldn't forego if I were offered something more appealing.”

“Would you like to… come home with me?” It was adorable watching Robert become so hesitant and nervous when asking me to spend some intimate time with him.

“Did you have something in mind for the evening?”

“How about a movie?”

“I'd love that. Can I check on Amanda first?”

“Go for it.” He scratched the back of his neck in thought. “Can I walk you home?”

“You live two houses away,” I chuckled.

“It's the principle of it.”

“My boyfriend is such a gentleman,” I said, holding a hand over my heart and pretending to swoon.

“Stop it, you,” he said through a blush and a giggle.

Amanda was in plain view of the front window, dancing along with some music video she had going on the TV. The pizza box was on the coffee table – and half empty, of course.

“She's fine,” I said, waving her off.

Robert walked with me down the sidewalk to his front door. Betsy greeted us at the front door with excited barking and pawed at my pants.

“Down, girl, those are probably expensive,” Robert said. He patted her on the head and she obediently brought a chew toy over to the dog bed. “Here, let's get out of these coats.”

Robert reached for my collar but hesitated right before his fingers made contact. I looked him in the eyes and stepped forward the few inches needed to close the gap. He (correctly) took it as an invitation and undid my collar and tie. His beautiful eyes darted between his hands and my face as he took off my coat.

I reached in to stroke my hands down his neck before I went to pull off his jacket. He let me peel it off his arms, exposing his shirt and waistcoat.

He stopped me by cupping my cheeks, his eyes looking tender and hungry all at once, and he pressed his lips against mine. I moaned into the kiss, tasting berries on his tongue as my heart rate picked up. He pulled me in closer, and I curled around him as we stood in the entryway slowly kissing. His kiss grew hungrier and more insistent until I finally had to gently push him away.

“Robert,” I gasped. “This isn’t foreplay, I just – I just want to kiss you and hold you. Be gentle and slow, yeah?”

“Gentle and slow?” He gave me another, soft kiss. “I can do that.”

He pulled away while making out with me to look in my eyes, then gave me a few more kisses, pausing to look at me between each one, his smile turning up with each successive press of lips.

“Was a movie still on the table?” I asked, shooting for playful.

“We'll get to it,” he murmured, his mouth inches from mine. “Unless you want to skip this part?”

I cupped the back of his head and leaned in to nibble on his lower lip. “I say we keep going.”

Robert guided my hands down to undo his vest, stripping off several layers until we both had dress shirts and pants only. I let him walk me to the living room to sit on the couch with him, and he didn't wait to wrap around me again. I held him in my arms and softly kissed him, stroking my hands up and down his back as sensually as I could.

At one point he leaned me back to deepen the kiss and I had to cling to him to not fall back. He separated from me and stroked a hand down the back of my head in a tender gesture that stood in stark contrast to when he kissed me like a hungry animal the last time I'd been on a ‘date’ with him here.

“Kissing you makes me feel like I could take on the world,” I said.

“Kissing you makes me feel alive,” he said in a low, sultry tone.

“I could do this all night, but…” My cock threatened to either dampen my underwear to uncomfortable levels or rob me of rational thought from diversion of blood – maybe both.

“I think I know what you mean,” he said with a laugh. “Let's switch to the movie.”

He sat me up again, but before he stood I framed his beautiful, scruffy face with my hands and gave him a tender kiss that I hoped said ‘I adore you.’

The happy smile on his face made it worth it, though he had to walk to the rack of DVDs funny, because he sported a highly visible erection. It was nice knowing that for all the ease Robert had getting me hard and ready to go, I could dish it out, too and get him hot and bothered.

“What are we watching?”

“ _A Matter of Life and Death_ ,” he said. “Not sure where it is…”

“That sounds familiar.” I couldn't place why, though.

“Found it!” He triumphantly held up a DVD case and put the disc in the DVD player. “Popcorn?”

“Nah, I'm full from dinner.”

“Yeah, I don't want any, either.”

Robert sat down pressed up against me. I curled an arm around his shoulder to hold him close, his body warm against my side and his leg flush with mine. He tried to reach over and hold my other hand before realizing it'd be awkward, and instead snaked his arm behind my back and held me with his hand on my oblique.

The movie began and I watched carefully. If Robert wanted me to see it, I wanted to give it my full attention. The couches were perpendicular to the TV, which made it a bit awkward to watch, and I couldn't look at Robert without turning away from the TV, but that was okay, I supposed. Movies were for watching, not ignoring in favor of your boyfriend.

Unless he really wanted to kiss again or something.

As I watched June and Peter fall in love in a span of days, it finally clicked: this was the movie Robert talked about right before Ernest kicked me! I wondered exactly how this was the ‘toughest five minutes of love,’ as Robert had dubbed it previously. When Reeves told June the only way to save Peter was to take his place, I think I understood what he meant.

“What’d you think?” he asked. I turned to see him with an eager, hopeful smile.

“Wow. I see what you meant when you went on that rant to Ernest.”

“Right?” He exhaled a big cloud of vapor and took another drag on his e-cig. “Maybe someday he'll be able to appreciate finer media, but considering he seems to think that awful movie qualified as ‘good acting’ and a ‘beautiful’ love story, he has a way to go.”

I laughed, and he looked at me with an eyebrow raised. “You get really into the art of film even when you haven't been drinking.”

He blushed and ducked his head. “Maybe a bit too much?”

“It's charming.”

“Charming?” He looked bewildered. “Haven't been called charming in a while.”

I spun to face him and cupped his thick neck before giving him as tender a kiss I could manage. He sighed and melted into it, letting me sit on his lap and stroke his head and neck. I mouthed at his lips and sucked on his tongue for a few minutes, his hands wandering over my back, until I felt like I needed to pull away and breathe.

Robert had a big, boyish smile with little eye crinkles. On impulse I smoothed a thumb over one of his bushy eyebrows. “Will you spend the night with me?” he quietly asked.

“Are you asking me for a sleepover?” I said, wiggling my eyebrows up and down.

He giggled and nodded. “I might be.”

“I would love that.”

He brought me to his room – which smelled fresh and clean now, rather than like cigarette ash – and stood with me in the middle as he slowly undid the buttons of my shirt. I smoothed my hands over his broad chest and undid his. I wasn't sure if he had an undershirt on until I unbuttoned a few and found that he just had a deep V neck on. It gave me a nice view of some soft, brown chest hair.

He stripped me of my dress shirt and gently stroked my neck. I was so hard my cock kind of hurt, and I wondered where he was going with this, but I trusted him to use a liberal definition of ‘sex.’

“Can I take off your pants?” he asked. He paused until I nodded, and he unbuckled my belt while I finished his shirt. While I did his belt, my pants fell to the floor and I let out a quiet laugh.

When we were both down to undershirts and almost painfully tented underwear, he hugged me close to him and I held tight, kissing the side of his face as our cocks pressed up against each other. He stroked my back and I kissed his neck.

“I really care for you, Robert,” I murmured. My heart hurt as I thought of what I’d said. “I deeply care for you.”

Robert buried his face in my neck and breathed me in. His cock hugged my hip and his arms hugged my lower back, and he swayed us back and forth in his dim room. I loved him so much, and I wanted to say it so badly as we held each other.

“Maybe we should brush our teeth before we keep going. I don’t want morning breath.”

I gently pushed him away and he held back a laugh. “You’re ruining the mood,” I said. My eyes drifted down to his underwear, where his cock stretched his boxers. It wasn’t difficult to conclude how big he was.

“Oh, we’re looking now?” he asked. He glanced down at my lap and his eyebrows shot up, his lips pursed. “Damn.”

“So, about brushing,” I said nervously.

“Right.”

Robert’s bathroom was almost pristine, an enormous change from the last time I was over. I hadn’t finished cleaning it, but he must have done some touchups since. He handed me an unopened toothbrush from a drawer. “These are kind of old, but they’re sealed, so whatever.”

Day one of a relationship, and already we were brushing teeth together in a spitting image of domestic bliss.

Back in his room again, he shut the door behind us and we sat down on the bed. I curled around him and kissed his neck, trailing my lips down his broad chest to lightly kiss his hairy chest. He seemed to enjoy it, trailing his hands down my back and lightly scratching my head as I lay lingering kisses on his furry sternum.

“I thought you didn’t want any foreplay,” he said.

I pulled away and looked in his eyes. “I don’t, I just…” I hoped he didn’t take this wrong. “I want to show you that I appreciate your body as much as I appreciate your heart and soul.”

Robert blushed fiercely and looked dumbstruck. “That is so sweet, I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I…” His lovely brown eyes searched my face in thought. “I’m conflicted.”

“I don’t want you to be conflicted, I’ll stop.” My chest felt tight at the thought of pushing him further toward indulging bad habits.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, and he gently stroked my cheek. “I know you just wanted to… uh… bond with me?”

“I do. I just… don’t think kissing your hairy chest has to be considered ‘foreplay.’”

“I’ll get there soon, I just – it’s not like I didn’t like it. I’m just still working on… my willpower.”

“I’m glad we’re talking about this,” I said quietly, and I scooted closer to wrap an arm around his shoulders. “I want you to be comfortable and happy, and I – I want you to know I want all of it with you. The playfulness and sensuality and tenderness of just being together and appreciating each other and… wanting all of you, whether we have sex or not.”

Robert took my free hand in his and lightly petted the back. “Thank you. I don't really know what to say to that…”

“That's okay, all I want is for you to think about it. I want all of you, Robert.”

“I think I'm ready to sleep,” he said with a smile. “How about you?”

“It's only…” I looked at the wall clock. “Nine thirty.”

“Well, I kind of inverted my sleeping schedule, so…”

“I'm ready for bed if you are.”

Robert shut the shades and I lay down on his bed. I wasn't sure if I should face him or not, but he made the decision for me by lying down behind me and curling around my body. He brought the sheet and blanket with him, cocooning us, and he pawed for my hand. He was so warm against my back, and his beefy arms held me close. I grasped his hand and let him lace our fingers together. I tried to ignore his rock-hard cock nestled snug against my butt, but it just heightened the intimacy of it.

I felt him relax around me and I thought he’d passed out until he spoke.

“This entire night has felt like a dream come true.”

“I feel the same way.”

He nuzzled in closer, his soft beard on the nape of my neck and his breath coming in gentle waves. I slowly drifted off to sleep as he hugged me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see end of chapter notes for a notice of potentially triggering content.

Robert woke me up by gently brushing his beard against my neck. He was still wrapped around me, though looser than before, and on top my back. His manhood still hugged my butt, not that I minded, but my dick wasn't at the best angle for comfort…

The shades were still closed when I opened my eyes, but light filtered in through them. I didn't want to get up yet if it meant Robert would stop hugging me.

“Are you awake?” I whispered.

“Yeah,” Robert said quietly.

“Good morning,” I said with a smile.

Robert laid a kiss on the nape of my neck and stroked my belly. I lamented the loss of contact when he lifted himself off my back, though he laid a hand on me and gently rubbed for a few moments.

“I have some things I have to do this morning,” he said. I looked over my shoulder to see him frowning, and I rolled onto my back to face him. “I really want to stay in bed with you, but… I've been putting them off.”

“That's okay,” I said. “I honestly should probably get home anyway.” I leaned in and gently kissed him, and I felt him smile against my lips. “I had a wonderful date.”

“Am I really your boyfriend, now?” Robert asked, his smile a shy one.

“You are. And I'm your boyfriend.”

Robert's smile widened, and he looked so happy my heart overflowed with love. He locked eyes with me when I sat up and I ran a hand down his back a few times. “Fuck… I don't wanna go.”

“Go,” I insisted. “We have plenty of time, now.”

Robert helped me get dressed again – though I think it was an excuse to touch me as he smoothed my shirt over my body – and walked me to the front door. He gave me a hug, a kiss, and a cute smile when he trailed his hand along my cheek. “I'll see you later.”

“See you soon. Drive safe, okay?”

“I will.”

I waved as I walked down the sidewalk toward my house. Craig was just home from his morning jog, and he walked over to me with a big smile.

“Hey, bro!”

“Hey Craig. What's up?”

“Nothing much.” He leaned in close. “Did you just come from Robert’s house? What was up with him in that suit last night? I thought I was in the Twilight Zone,” he whispered.

“He asked me out on a date. A real one.”

Craig covered his mouth in surprise. “Are you actually dating now?”

“I can now proudly say Robert Small is my boyfriend,” I said, puffing out my chest.

“That's awesome, dude!” Craig lightly punched my shoulder. “I'm so happy for you.”

“I imagine Brian figured it out, since I saw you two last night when we left.”

“Um…” Craig scratched the back of his head. River stared at me an uncomfortably long amount of time. “Yeah, we figured that's what was going on.”

“Don't tell anyone, okay? I don't know how public he wants to be, and I want it to be on his terms.”

“Say no more. Until I hear otherwise, you're just very good friends according to me.”

I let go of some of the tension I was holding onto. “Thanks, bro.”

“I gotta go pick up the twins, have a good one!”

I wondered how I'd explain to Amanda what I was up to last night.

 

* * *

 

Early Sunday morning, a few beeps from my phone awoke me. Nothing ought to happen on Sundays before ten, so I hoped it was important.

After I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, I looked at my phone to see, in order, that it was a series of text messages, and that the clock said it was a little past seven thirty.

The messages were probably Robert. I checked the texts first.

From: Unknown Sender  
Hey  
its val  
I'm coming to town later today to surprise pops with a ‘congratulations on staying sober for two months’ cake  
It hasn't been two months but I got time off tomorrow so I figured I'd stop by  
Don't tell him  
Also I got your number from your lovely daughter who has a wonderful sense of humor and a talent for wordsmithing. Don't kill her please

I laughed at the texts; a surprise visit from his daughter sounded nice.

To: Unknown Sender  
Hi Val, sounds good! when can we expect you?

I entered her as a new contact and she responded, making the text notice interfere with typing in her name.

From: Val  
Probably around 3:30 to 4:30 depending on traffic

To: Val  
Okay, drive safe

From: Val  
Always do, chief

From: Robert  
I'm having a shitty morning  
really bad cravings and mood  
can I come over please  
I need some company

My heart sank; it seemed like he was doing well, but I couldn't expect perfection from anyone recovering from drug abuse.

To: Robert  
You are always welcome, come on over

I left the warm coziness of bed and put on pajama pants. While stuffing my foot through the leg cuff I heard a knock at the front door. I opened it to find Robert, also in pajama pants and a Henley. His hair still looked damp.

“Hey,” he croaked. He looked like the picture of misery, his eyes hooded and dark, with a dejected frown, and he stood hunched over and huddled in on himself. “I couldn't sleep last night.”

“Hey,” I said, ignoring my breaking heart. I wrapped an arm around him to comfort him and welcome him in, then I sat him down on the couch. “I'll just be a few moments, okay?”

He nodded, and I left for my room, where I gathered the reference papers Dr. Taft had given me. _Helping a Loved One Through Alcohol Withdrawal_. Immediately my attention drew to ‘eat a hearty meal’ and ‘eat something sweet.’

Back in the living room I sat down with him, the papers at my side, and gently trailed a hand down his back. “How are you feeling?”

Robert dragged his hands down his face and groaned. “I couldn't sleep because I kept dreaming about drinking… I _hated_ it. I just – I feel horrible and I know it'll go away if I just have a bit of vodka or something.”

I recalled some of Dr. Taft’s advice and decided it was time to put it to work. “Well… what would be good and bad about drinking?”

Robert stayed quiet for a moment. I could tell the craving disheartened him – I tried to avoid feeling similar. “Well…”

After another few moments I leaned forward until I was in his eyeline. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah. I couldn't focus on making something to eat.”

“Can I make you breakfast?”

“If it wouldn't be a burden?”

“For you, it isn't.”

I sat him down on a kitchen stool and served him orange juice and toast with the jam that I made for him a few days ago.

“Is this pineapple? This is pineapple,” he murmured around the food in his mouth.

“It’s pineapple!” I said as I prepared scrambled eggs for him. “I found a recipe and I wanted to make it for you.”

He stopped chewing and locked eyes with me. “For me?” he asked, putting a hand on his chest.

“Of course, for you.” The eggs were coming across nicely. “You want cheese?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

While I cooked, Robert wrote down the consequences of drinking. When I served him his food, I sat down with him and read it.

_PROS: feel better, think clearer_

_CONS: I have to start my recovery over_

_CONSEQUENCES: I will feel like a disappointment_  
_my recovery will take longer_  
_my daughter will hate me_

I sat close enough to press up against him and hug him from the side as he ate. Reading what he wrote made my chest ache deeply, and I turned to look at him. “Do you really think Val would hate you if you had a drink?”

Robert looked down at the table and shrugged.

“I'm not saying it's okay to have one. I just want to know.”

“I don't know,” he mumbled.

“It's okay to feel these things, Rob, and it's okay to talk to me about them.”

“I feel awful, and I'm tired, and I have this – this itching _need_ to drink something or fuck somebody.”

My blood ran cold.

“It's like I need to indulge every bad habit I ever made to cope with this.” He looked up at me and his face fell. “I'm not – I'm not gonna go fuck somebody,” he murmured. “It's just… an urge. We're together, now. That means I'm only with you.”

“I know, I know you wouldn't cheat on me. It just hurts to hear, because I know even if we weren't together, you'd hate yourself again after. I don't want you to hate yourself.”

Robert hung his head in shame. “I'm sorry I hurt you.”

I cuddled up as close to him as I could. “Like I said, it's okay to talk about this. You don't have to apologize to me for feeling these urges. Do you wanna go sit somewhere more comfortable?”

“Okay.”

We moved back to the living room and I sat with him on the cushier part of the couch with an arm around him. I wasn't sure how appropriate a gentler touch – like stroking his shoulder – would be.

“I don't think I can do this,” he said in a flat, quiet, and defeated tone. “I hurt so bad, in my body and my heart.”

“Rob,” I started. “Robert, look at me.”

He turned to look at me with his sad, pained eyes.

“You've been doing great, for almost two months. Almost two months! Very few people can say they did that on willpower and counseling alone. You're a lot stronger than you think right now, and you're gonna have bad days and good days, but these cravings are temporary.”

Despite looking a bit drowsy, Robert’s eyes stayed fully focused on me. His lips were turned down in a slight frown.

“You're doing great, and you aren't alone, okay? I don't ever want you to think you're alone. I care very much for you, and I'm here with you every step of the way. You are so strong, Robert. I know you can do this, I believe in you.”

Robert's expression broke into a twisted and pained frown and tears suddenly flowed. He let out an agonized gasp and I hastily offered him a box of tissue. He gratefully took some and buried his face in them. I held on from the side and whispered as soothing of things as I could think of, repeating “it's okay” and “just let it out” to him as he heaved out staggered breaths.

I saw more than heard Amanda quietly plod into the living room. She froze at the sight of Robert wiping his face off as he sobbed and whimpered. I waved her off and she retreated into the kitchen.

“I haven't heard that in so long,” Robert whispered.

“That someone believes in you?”

“Uh huh,” he croaked. He looked like a mess, his beard and face wet from tears. “It means so much to hear you say that, to hear my boyfriend say that.” I gently stroked his back as his sobbing subsided. He looked in my eyes and the pain in his reflected in my chest as a horrible clench of hurt. “Can I have some water?”

“Of course. I'll be right back.”

I ruffled his hair a little when I stood to leave. I found Amanda taking refuge in the kitchen, trying to decide on what flavor of cereal to have.

“Dad?” she said. “Why is Mr. Small crying?”

I scratched my face as I formulated my response. I figured honesty would be best here, after all it's what I taught her. “Robert is fighting alcohol addiction and severe depression,” I said. Amanda’s face turned down in sadness. “He's here because he needs someone to keep him company. Can you—” I paused. I could rope her into this, or leave her alone. “It would mean a lot to both of us if you could keep him entertained while I read some of the papers his therapist gave me. Can you do that?”

Amanda's lips gradually turned up and I recognized the glint in her eyes from every time she got an idea. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

After reviewing how to help a loved one with a mood swing, I came back to find Amanda sitting with Robert, showing him something on her phone. He still had tears flowing enough to need to pat his face dry, but Amanda seemed to be pretending it wasn't happening.

“This is the one that won me the photography award,” she said.

“That's beautiful,” Robert croaked as he wiped some tears away.

“I took this one of Brian’s dog the other day mid-frisbee catch. He's the best!”

Robert sniffed and blew his nose. I sat down in the armchair and he looked up at me. I gave him a smile and he smiled back.

“He’s great. I don't think you've met my dog,” he said.

“You have a dog?!” Amanda exclaimed.

“I do, she’s a little Boston Terrier. I'll bring her over some time.”

“Do you need anything?” I quietly asked.

“I don't know.”

“Maybe you could call the doctor?”

Robert sighed and dried his face again. “I think that's a good idea. I'll do that. Thank you for showing me your photos, Amanda,” he said, then stood up to go find some privacy.

“I'm glad you liked them!” Amanda jumped to her feet and hugged him, surprising both of us. He looked at me, then smiled and curled his arms around her. It warmed my heart to see, and I hoped she could accept him as my boyfriend – and maybe someday, family.

While Robert made his phone call, I showered, dressed, and made breakfast for myself. He wandered into the kitchen after half an hour of calling and sat down across from me.

“Dr. Taft prescribed me something called Campral,” he said. His voice was more stable now, but his face was still red and damp. “He said it'll help with cravings and stabilizing my brain chemistry.”

“I remember you declined medication in the first few appointments.”

“Yeah, well…” he twiddled his thumbs and looked down in defeat. “This was… awful, so… maybe I need some extra help.”

“It isn't easy to admit something like that,” I murmured. I reached over the counter and grabbed one of his hands in a tender grip. “I'm proud of you, Robert.”

A few tears dripped down his face, though he didn't sob at least. “Thank you.” Robert took an e-cig out of his pocket and stared in contemplation. He took a few deep breaths. “Maybe this was a mistake…”

“W-what was?”

“Starting… this, so early.” He gestured between us. “Maybe I’m not actually ready…”

Amanda had loud music playing in her room, which was both convenient and expected. I suppressed my hurt and anxiety, my desire for him, and made myself tell him what he needed to hear. “I told you that I’m okay with waiting, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to do what you need to do for yourself to heal.”

Robert turned on his e-cig and took a long drag, but he looked guilty about it.

“How did you feel during our date?”

“That was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time,” he murmured, his voice wavering. I was afraid he’d break again, but instead he reached for my hand, and I took his between mine and lightly stroked, his tattoo under my thumb. “Even feeling this horrible, I’d rather be here than anywhere else. I don’t want to lose that.”

“You could still visit even if we weren't dating.”

“Yeah, but…” He licked his lips and took a drink of his water glass from earlier. “I – it…”

“Did you talk to Dr. Taft about it?”

“He reminded me not to make major decisions when I feel like this.”

“Well…” I guess I had to make _some_ kind of case. “I said yes knowing you’re still healing. I want to be with you, too, but you have to put yourself first. Do what you think will help the most.”

“I want—” he started. I held my breath. “I want to stay with you. I’ll talk to Dr. Taft more about things I can do to help support myself.”

I lifted his hand to my lips and gave his knuckles a soft kiss. “Okay.” I knew that love couldn't fix him, that only therapy, medication, and support could. But I wanted to be what I could to him. Being with him made me happy, too.

He laid his other hand on top of mine and gently rubbed the back. “Dr. Taft was unhappy that I—” His phone beeped. He took it out of his pocket and furrowed his brow as he stared at it. “My prescription’s ready. That was fuckin’ fast.”

“Maybe Dr. Taft put rush processing in?”

“I don't know. He wasn't happy I lied about how bad my cravings felt.”

“How come you lied about it?”

“I just—” He buried his face in his free hand. “I didn’t want to believe that I needed medication. In retrospect, it was a terrible idea.” He took a long drag and blew out a ring-shaped cloud, watching it dissipate in fascination. “I just hope the pills work.”

“Do you feel okay after eating?”

“I feel better after eating, and after crying my eyes out,” he chuckled. “I can’t pick up my prescription looking like this… or being this tired.”

“You should take a nap, I can go pick it up.”

“No, it’s – it’s fine. You do so much for me already, I want to pull my weight, here.”

“Okay. If you're sure.”

“I guess I should go sleep…”

I wasn't sure how to word it, so I just… blurted it out. “Do you feel safe alone?”

“I… don't know,” he murmured. He diverted his gaze and braced his chin on a fist.

“Why don't you sleep in my room? The shades are better in there than the living room.”

Robert's eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Are you sure?”

“Robert, I slept in your bed two days ago. You held me all night, in a _very_ intimate way, might I add. It's fine.”

He blushed with a big smile. “That was a really nice evening.”

After (politely) requesting Amanda switch to headphones, I set Robert up on my bed with water and tucked him in. I sat at his side and rubbed his back, our eyes locked in a moment of silent intimacy.

“Remember, Robert. I really care for you. You aren't a burden, and you aren't a disappointment. Sleep as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” he whispered.

 _I love you, Robert._  I leaned in and gave him a soft kiss to the forehead. I shut the door behind me, wishing I could tell him.

 

* * *

 

Robert slept for almost three hours. When I checked on him after an hour, he was out cold. He finally meandered out of my room around noon. He yawned wide like a lion, exposing his teeth and tongue, and he stretched enough that his Henley rode up and showed off his furry tummy. Amanda didn't notice, too entranced by the food network, but I saw every second. Robert just grinned and winked.

“I feel much better, now.”

“Good.”

“I feel kinda gross, though, I'm gonna go home and shower. Can you…” He rubbed his neck. “Can you come with me to the pharmacy?” he asked under his breath.

I stood and walked over for some more conversational privacy. “I can. How come?”

“I don't trust myself not to pick up some booze while I'm out, not right now. The cravings are better, but not gone.”

The fact that Robert trusted me with that – at least the information – was a bit touching. “You want me to keep you accountable?”

“Yeah. I'll get lunch for us, or something.”

“Hey Panda?” I asked over my shoulder. “What do you want for lunch?”

“This chicken hollandaise the lady on TV is making,” she said, deadpan.

I turned back to Robert and shrugged.

“Burgers it is,” he said.

 

* * *

 

I sat in the waiting area while a pharm tech explained to Robert all the intricacies of his new medication: interactions (there weren't any), side effects (there were a few), and warning signs (severe suicidal thoughts, which alarmed me). The most disheartening was when I heard her say it could take up to a week to take effect. Robert visibly deflated when she said that, but I hoped it took less time. Seeing him so upset today was… haunting.

He took the first pills there in the store, “Jeez,” he muttered. “Two pills three times a day. That's one way to make a schedule, alright.”

The sheaf of papers given to him for reference was a little scary. Nothing I'd ever been prescribed came with so much paperwork.

“You want junk food or the good shit?” he asked in the truck.

“Up to you, Amanda will appreciate it either way.”

Robert and I picked up some cheeseburgers that purportedly were somewhere between gourmet and fast food. The bag smelled delicious and as much as I wanted an onion ring now, I resisted the urge to eat one. If Robert could resist drinking for so long, I could live a tiny piece of what he went through every day.

“Hey,” Robert said. “Let's bring Betsy over.”

I smiled wide. “That's a great idea! Amanda will love that.”

Robert stopped by his house and carried Betsy out, cradling her in his arms. She panted excitedly and looked at me with a toothy… grin?

“Honey,” I said as we walked back inside. “We brought lunch!”

Amanda stormed out of her room like an excited puppy. She shrieked at the sight of Betsy and fell to her knees with her arms outstretched. Betsy ran up to her and started licking her face. Amanda's happy laughter and big smile warmed my heart.

“Told you she’d love it.”

Robert watched them play for a moment with a satisfied smirk. “Amanda, we brought food, too.”

She turned to look in surprised glee. “You did?!”

“Robert picked up burgers for us. We – we said we'd do that,” I said, a little confused.

“I totally missed that, I was just thinking of chicken hollandaise.”

“I figured as much. Like father, like daughter.”

 

* * *

 

Robert had another breakdown that afternoon. He talked to me for a bit about how badly he wanted a drink, and how little he cared what kind it was. I hugged him and stroked his back as he listed off the consequences of drinking – again. The poor guy upset himself when he reminded himself that I believe in him and lightly cried again. It hurt to see and hear, but part of loving someone was being there for them when it wasn’t pretty.

The doorbell rang.

I looked at Robert, his face wet and red, and shrugged. “I have to get the door.”

“That's okay,” he murmured.

I opened the door to see Val standing there with a cake box in her arms and a bag of groceries at her side. “Hey, chief,” she said. “Fancy meeting you here. Can I come in?”

I glanced at Robert at my side on the couch; he seemed to not notice her. “It's not the best time… but okay.”

Val strolled past me and froze at the sight of her father on the couch, wiping tears off his face.

“I told you,” I whispered to her.

“It's… fine.” She turned to look at me, but quickly diverted her eyes in discomfort. “It's nothing I haven't seen before, it just…”

Robert took a few deep, calming breaths. He still hadn't noticed Val.

“Seeing your parents cry sticks with you.”

I sat down next to Robert and patted his back. “Hey Rob, Val showed up with a surprise!”

“Val’s here?” He finally looked at her and wiped his face off. “Hi, honey.”

“Hey, pops. Brought you something.” She set the cake down in front of him and opened the lid to show it off. It was a big, square chocolate cake with ‘Congrats on two months sober’ written on it in white frosting.

Robert held a hand over his heart and visibly resisted the urge to cry at the sight of it. “You got this for me?”

“I did. I figured I could swoop in, make your day, we could have a family dinner, you know. For old time's sake.”

“That sounds nice,” he sniffed.

I gave him another pat and said, “I'm gonna go help her in the kitchen for a sec.”

“Okay.”

As I put the cake in the fridge and her groceries in the freezer, Val stood with her arms crossed. “So, what's new?”

“Uh… not much, really.”

“Oh, come on, Matt,” she chided. “You don't have to fib.”

“Huh?”

“My father always called you his ‘partner in crime,’ but yesterday texting me he just called you his ‘partner,’ so that's an interesting relationship status change.”

My face heated up almost instantly. “I – well…”

“He probably did it on purpose because I know he's a dad and he loves his stupid jokes.”

“Uh…”

“What?” She raised an inquisitive eyebrow and smirked. “Embarrassed that I know you're dating my dad?”

“No… what's a ‘relationship status?’”

Val's expression flattened. “Oh, you poor soul. It's a Facebook thing. Shows what your relationship with someone is. Popular options include ‘married,’ ‘dating,’ and ‘it's complicated,’” she said, with a badly withheld laugh.

“He told you I'm his partner?” I felt lovely and warm – and guilty, too. I still wasn't sure how to tell Amanda.

“Later he clarified that you're his boyfriend, and I told him it was already clear as crystal. He was really proud of it, too. Being your boyfriend, I mean. Not the stupid joke.”

“I'm really proud of him, too,” I said, wistfully gazing at him from beyond the kitchen entry.

“Ugh… you're gonna make me barf. Anyway, why the waterworks?”

I kneaded the bridge of my nose and sighed. “This morning he messaged me saying he had really bad cravings and he needed somebody to keep him company. When we talked about it, I told him I believe in him, and he started sobbing like I'd never seen before.”

She looked at him where he sat on the couch. “Damn. Those are some heavy words.”

“Well, he's on medication now, as of three hours ago.”

“Yeah? Which one?”

“Campral, I think?”

“Oh hey. They gave him that while he was in the hospital.”

I turned to stare at her in surprise. “He was in the hospital?”

“Day two of his visit I made him quit. Took him to a hospital for it. They gave him a drug cocktail with that as a neuro-protector or something. He was sick for almost a week.”

I gazed over at him, feeling disheartened and a little hurt. “He never told me…”

“I'm not surprised,” Val said. “He doesn't like to admit weakness, even to you, and he tells you everything.”

“Well, he's back on it again and he regrets declining a prescription after today.”

“That's progress. Let's go say hello.”

 

* * *

 

Compared to the whirlwind of emotions the morning was, after Val arrived Robert calmed down quickly. Amanda and Robert played with Betsy together while we all chatted. Amanda still looked at Val with stars in her eyes. When it neared five o'clock, Val spoke up about dinner.

“Hey pops. You remember mom's spicy chicken?”

Robert looked up from Betsy where he knelt on the floor. “Yeah. Why?”

“Well, I brought the recipe and everything for it.”

Robert's face lit up. “You did?”

Val's lips turned up in a smile. “I was thinking we could have it for dinner, if you want.”

“Can I make it?” he asked. “I haven't had it in so long.”

“If you want, sure.”

Robert stood and shook the pins and needles out of his legs. “I'm gonna start that right now.” After he almost ran into the kitchen, I heard him opening cupboards and the fridge, probably looking for things. “Where's the measuring cups?” he called out through the house.

I laughed and covered my grin with a hand. Maybe he should do this in his own kitchen.

“I'll help you out, Robert!” Amanda exclaimed. She leapt to her feet and led Betsy into the kitchen.

“Make sure Betsy doesn't make a mess!”

That left me and Val alone, the history channel going on low volume on the TV.

“So, Matt,” she started. She crossed her legs and clasped her hands over her thigh. “What do you see in him?”

The question came out of left field and could have floored me. “I'm sorry?”

She leaned forward and spoke again more quietly. “What do you see in my father that makes you want to date a broken man like him?”

“Because he's…” I shrugged and held out a hand in a helpless gesture. “…A beautiful soul trapped in a prison of misery?”

Val's eyes widened, and she sat back in the chair, her posture immediately going from Bad Cop to Good Cop. “Well that's… poetic. I didn't expect that.” She didn't say anything for a few moments. It seemed like I'd declawed her or something. “Good. That's… good.” She looked over toward the kitchen, where I heard Amanda trying to verbally math out how many tablespoons go into a cup with Robert.

“That's good…?”

“I'll be honest, I don't really know what else to say. That's the most optimistic thing anyone's ever said about him.” She turned to look in my eyes and almost looked like she pitied me. “I hope he makes you happy.”

“He does,” I said. I heard him and Amanda laughing, and my lips turned up in a smile. Val didn't miss it.

“I think I understand. I’m sorry I came across so harsh. I’m…” She looked down and her lips turned in a guilty frown. “I’m still suppressing the bitterness I feel.”

“It’s okay, Val. That kind of thing takes some serious work.”

“Meh. I have my own therapist working with me through this, just like he does. I’ll get there.”

“Give it time. Give him a chance. You'll get there.”

Val stared at him through the kitchen entry.

“Just give it time.”

 

* * *

 

When Robert called us in for dinner, I wasn't sure what to expect. ‘Spicy chicken’ could mean almost anything. Spicy baked, spicy fried, spicy sauce…

He was just putting the finishing touches on each plate when Val and I sat down at the counter. It wasn't quite big enough for four people, but we made it work.

Each plate had breaded chicken strips and baby broccoli in a thick, brown sauce. It smelled distinctly of cayenne.

“This is my mother's recipe,” Robert said. “She stole it out of an upstart restaurant’s kitchen in Brooklyn.”

“What?!” Amanda exclaimed. “I thought you said—”

“Shh! I—” His face fell, and he laughed with a big smile. “I wanted to see what your dad would say.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It's fine. She made it trying to replicate some buffalo wings she had as a kid, and never got it right, but she liked this recipe the most.”

I took a bite, and its wonderful sweet and spiciness surprised me. It reminded me of Chinese sweet and sour chicken. The baby broccoli had been fried to the perfect tenderness.

“I wish I could say something more interesting, like it's a Puerto Rican traditional dish her great grandmother taught her, but it's not.”

“I think you nailed it, dad,” Val said. “This is exactly like how grandma makes it.”

“Really?” he asked, surprise coloring his tone. He took a bite of chicken and broccoli and nodded vigorously. “This is _exactly_ like how she makes it.”

Everyone polished off their plate in no time and went back for seconds.

“I think it's time for cake,” Val said. She pulled it out of the fridge and I grabbed a serving knife. “Pops gets the first piece. Them’s the rules.”

Val served Robert a big piece – almost an eighth of the cake, getting a big chunk of the word ‘congrats’. He waited for everyone to be served, then slowly ate his cake with a small smile. He looked so content sitting with us and eating dinner, like he belonged there.

I suppressed the thought. There's no sense putting the cart before the horse. He had to get to a healthy place first.

 

* * *

 

As the evening wound down and Robert started to yawn, Val brought me aside while he was outside smoking.

“What did you do with my real father?” she asked. “That is not Robert Small.”

“I'm sorry?” I chuckled.

“Do you have any idea how long it's been since I saw him smile like that? He's a totally different person.”

“Well… he's been going to counseling, very frequently.”

“Hmm.” She looked outside, where Robert watched Amanda play with Betsy. She sure did love that dog. “Maybe you'll piece him together, yet.”

“No, Val, I can't do that.” I looked intently in her eyes. “Love alone can't fix someone. He's doing all the heavy lifting himself.”

“Love goes a long way in giving someone the support and stability they need to recover. He certainly didn't have any of it before he met you.”

“I just want to make sure I’m not the only one.” That was dangerous, no matter who you were.

“I don't think you are. After all, he has your friends, right?”

“Not as much as I'd like.”

“Well, you can change that.” Val looked at her phone and groaned. “It's late and I still have to check in to the hotel.”

“You aren't staying with Robert?”

She raised an eyebrow and gave me a devious smirk. “What? And interfere with your alone time with him?”

My face burned hot and I sputtered. “That's – that isn't—”

“Just don't tell me about it. Have a good night. It was nice to see you again.”

Val gave hugs and goodbyes to Amanda and Robert, then drove off in her noisy sports car. Robert watched her go before he and Amanda came back inside. While Amanda went off to the kitchen – maybe for more cake – Robert walked up to me and gave me a gentle hug.

“Thanks for everything you did for me today,” he said quietly. When he pulled away he looked conflicted.

“Do you wanna stay here tonight?”

His hesitance melted away into a wide smile. “I'd love to. I don't really want to be alone again tonight. Not after how messy today was.”

“I'll go tell Amanda. Maybe get a few more things than just a toothbrush?”

He chuckled and nodded. “Alright. I'll be back soon. Have to get Betsy settled in at home.”

“Hey Panda?” I said as I walked into the kitchen. Just as expected, she had another slice of cake in front of her.

“Sup, pops?”

“After how miserable Robert was today, I don't – I really don't want to leave him alone, you know?”

Amanda's eyebrows shot up, and she frowned. “Are you worried he might hurt himself?”

I rubbed my face with my palms as I thought about it. It wasn't the biggest concern, but it was there, at the back of my mind. “Maybe more that he might make a decision he'll regret.”

“Oh, okay. That's a bit less serious.”

“I'm gonna have him in a sleeping bag in my room just so I can keep him company.”

“Having a sleepover, are we?” she asked, with that raised eyebrow and devious look that I knew meant she didn't fully buy my story.

“Not really. More like a mild intervention.”

Her face turned down again. “Oh… poor Mr. Small.”

“He's doing a great job fighting his addiction so far. I'm really proud of him, but sometimes with things like this you need a bit more direct action.” I kind of felt bad, even for telling the truth to her, just because the sleeping bag wouldn't be used. Or because we'd probably spend at least a bit of time kissing. “Okay, I just wanted you to know he'd be here. I'm gonna go set up for him.”

The sleeping bag took two minutes to get ready, at most. I heard Robert's footsteps coming down the hall a few minutes later, after I'd stripped to pajamas and finished getting ready for bed.

“Hey,” he said, poking his head in my room. “Are you decent?”

“Depends on what the subject is. Cooking, yes. Golf? No. How I'm dressed? Absolutely.”

He laughed and said, “Shut up” with a smile. “I'm gonna go get ready.”

I patiently waited for Robert, then I impatiently went around the house, making sure exterior lights were on and doors were locked. Things I insisted Amanda do whenever she thought of it, and things she apparently never thought to do.

Robert was zipping open the sleeping bag when I came back. “No, that's just a cover,” I explained. “I didn't intend for it to be used. Unless… you want to sleep separately?”

“No, I wanted to sleep with my boyfriend.”

“Come on, then.”

We sat on the bed together, both of us in full pajamas, and I patted his bicep, letting my hand linger. “What kind of… state of dress are you comfortable with?”

“Underwear?” he hesitantly suggested.

“I just wanna know. I'm fine with sleeping nude if you're ready.”

“Underwear,” he repeated.

I got up and stripped my undershirt and pajama pants off. Admittedly I was a little excited to sleep with him again and had a visible half-boner, which he didn't miss.

“A little eager, I see,” he said with a wink before he stripped, too, and sat down on the covers with me.

“It's not like you aren't,” I laughed, pointing down at his lap.

“Oh, be quiet.”

I let silence take the moment as we sat together in our underwear. Gradually we scooted closer until there was as little space between us as reasonable with our legs in the way. I just looked at him at first in the dim lamplight. He looked tired, and a little worse for wear. I could still tell today had been rough for him, and I gently cupped his cheeks and went in to give him a soft, tender kiss. He grabbed my neck and ran a hand down my shoulder, and I thumbed his cheekbones as our lips mingled. He smelled like mint and he tasted like toothpaste, but his lips were warm and soft, his hands on me the exact kind of warmth I'd been wanting all day.

When he pulled away I looked in his eyes and gently rubbed his face, his beard scratching my palm. “Are you doing okay?”

“I'm okay. The cravings are gone for now.”

“How about your feelings?”

“Feelings are stupid,” he said with a furrowed brow and irritated look. It vanished in a second and he scooted closer to stroke his hands down my back. “I've been hoping for some time alone with you all day, though.”

“Did you have something specific in mind?” I asked. Two days was too short a time to get over every emotional block to having sex, but maybe he dismantled something else in that time.

“Um…” He blushed and hunched over a bit. Robert looked adorable when he blushed. “Will you… do some of the things you _don't_ think are foreplay?”

I couldn't help my lips from curling up. “You mean like…”

“Dr. Taft said that I could try focusing on how we feel for each other when we do that. It's just…”

“Yeah?”

He ducked his head and refused to look me in the eyes. “I've been led on before just for sex.”

I felt cold and angry, and had to resist the urge to find and punch whoever had ever used him. I gently held him by the shoulders and instead focused on how much I cared, how warm he made me feel, how much he made me smile.

Robert sighed and brushed back his hair. “I mean, it’s not like I haven’t done the same, and it’s a shitty thing to do, but… at least I was up front that I _only_ wanted sex.”

“Let’s not talk about that right now. If it made you feel better, I’d—” I took a deep breath. “I'd forego ever having sex with you.”

Robert looked up at me, his brow furrowed in surprise. “Why would you do that?”

“I'm much more interested in… a long-lasting emotional bond.”

“Well… just the fact that you'd offer that says a lot.” He stayed quiet for a few moments. Just sitting together in our underwear, inches apart, in total silence as we looked in each other's eyes felt more intimate than a hell of a lot of things I've ever done in my life. I lightly petted him along his shoulders and upper arms, his body warm and relaxed under my hands.

_I love you so much._

“I don't think I want that,” Robert said.

“Don't want what?”

“I don't want to give up ever having sex together. I want you, I want _that_ with you. I'm just not ready. But we can work on that.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we can.” I gave him a smile and he pulled me in ever so slightly closer.

“So… why don't you show me some of the things you don't consider foreplay.”

I cupped his cheeks and kissed him, just a sweet peck on the lips before I pulled away. “Okay. Tell me if you want me to stop. It doesn't matter why, just stop me if you want me to.”

I gestured for him to move so I could lean him back and not risk him falling off the bed, then I started by kissing him on the lips, caressing his face and neck with my fingertips. He put his hands on my sides and thumbed gently. He seemed to like when I slowly kissed his face and cradled the back of his head in a hand. I kissed lower and lower, then let his head fall back so I could kiss all over his neck. His breath came slow and steady, but I rested a hand on a furry pec and felt his heart racing under me.

“Are you okay?” I quietly asked. “Tell me how you're feeling.”

“I'm just a little excited, is all,” he said with a laugh.

That was a lot better than scared or anxious.

He lifted his head and looked in my eyes for a moment. Holding him like this – with a hand over his heart and cradling him against me – felt wonderful. I wanted to show him with my hands and my lips that sex – or things that aren't sex – could be loving and passionate instead of baseless carnal pleasure.

“Kiss my chest again?” he murmured. He leaned back a bit, but I laid him down on the bed, his head on a pillow. I braced my weight with my arms on either side of his belly and took in the sight of him.

Under me lay a beautiful man with handsome brown hair all over his pecs, save for the big scar across him. He looked up at me, a bit of worry and a bit of want in his eyes. I leaned in and laid a few gentle kisses on his sternum and pecs, his body hair lightly tickling my lips. I gave some to his scar, too, for good measure. A lot of people felt self-conscious about things like that, and I wanted him to know it made him even more beautiful in my eyes.

When I felt uncomfortable kissing him there any longer, lest I push him too far, I trailed my lips back up his neck until I met his again and exchanged sweet kisses with him. I stroked his forehead, smoothing over his hair.

“Do you feel okay?” I asked.

He kept his eyes closed for a moment, maybe still indulging kissing me, I hoped. “Yeah.”

He tried to sit up, and I got out of the way, only for him to curl around me and press his face in my neck. I stroked his back as he left wet kisses all over my neck and the side of my face, his hands trailing over my spine. It was exciting and relaxing all at once.

Robert held my weight with one arm and carded his fingers through my chest hair. He buried his face in the soft fur and breathed in how I smelled before he kissed all over my chest, too. I hugged him against me and ran my hands up and down his back, all the way to his waistband.

“You mean so much to me,” I whispered as he rested his head against my sternum and held me in his arms, the hair all over them tickling my back a bit. We hugged each other for a while, his head rising with every breath I took. I gave him a kiss to the top of his head and leaned mine on him.

“I'm ready to sleep,” he said, my body muffling his voice.

“Can I hold you?” I asked, patting his back.

He pulled away and I saw how wet his eyes were. It wasn't to the point of tears, but I hoped it was because he was happy. Breaking down barriers like this wasn't easy.

I shut out the lights and we lay down on our left sides, letting me wrap around him and rest a hand right over his heart. I hoped my gentle touch told him I loved him. I also hoped my rock-hard dick resting along his butt told him I loved him, too, rather than betray my message that what we did didn't have to be foreplay.

“Goodnight, Robert,” I said. I thumbed his chest and his slow breathing pressed his back against me.

“I…”

I waited for a few moments. “Yeah?”

“I had fun, doing that.”

“Me too,” I said with a big smile. His hesitation was a little peculiar, but I hugged him close against me and he laced his fingers with my left hand. As he fell asleep between my arms, his heartbeat under my hand slowing as dreams took him, I hoped tomorrow would be a better day for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Robert talks about what his alcohol craving is like.


	10. Chapter 10

Robert woke me up in the morning. He woke me up by slowly rolling over in my arms and giving me soft kisses to my lips and cheek. His hand giving me a sultry stroke to the back of my head felt so tender and sweet.

“Good morning,” he quietly said, before nibbling on my neck.

I hugged him closer, feeling his hairy body against mine, my desperately hard cock pressed against his. He pulled away to look me in the eyes with a hand cupping my cheek. His hair was adorably messy, and his affectionate smile warmed my heart.

“Morning,” I said. “You seem like you're in a good mood.”

“I woke up with my boyfriend curled around me.” He gently bit my lip and kissed me again, making a quiet smooching sound.

“You sure do like calling me your boyfriend.” I let out a giggle when he tickled my neck with his tongue.

“I do.”

A phone buzzed. I wasn't sure whose. I reached behind me and groped for them. It looked like it was Robert's phone. It had a photo of Betsy and Val as the lock screen, and some text notifications.

“Lemme see that.”

I handed it to him and he unlocked his phone. I looked over his shoulder and saw that he made the photo of us and our sandcastle his home screen wallpaper.

“Val wants to treat us to breakfast at IHOP.”

“IHOP? I haven't been there in years,” I said. “Pancakes sound delicious.”

“She'll be here in half an hour.”

I sighed and gave Robert a fond smile. “I guess we don't get any more time alone this morning.”

“That's okay. We have plenty of time, now, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we do.”

Robert ruffled up the sleeping bag and pillow just to make it convincing that he'd slept in it instead of with me, then dressed up and gave me one last kiss. “I'll be back soon.”

“Okay.”

I was so lucky to have him.

 

* * *

 

Val showed up half an hour later. Amanda was excited as always to get food that wasn't from home, and Robert showed up fashionably late in his usual attire. He looked much better today, both rested and craving-free. Maybe. I couldn't tell when he craved booze.

“Dad, are you sure leather and jeans that look perpetually dirty are IHOP-appropriate?” Val asked.

“Are you sure fishnet leggings and an extremely spiky necklace are?” he retorted.

“Point.” She turned to look at me and Amanda. “Ready to go, then?”

“Yeah!” Amanda yelled.

Robert and Val did look out of place at IHOP, especially across from me and Amanda – me in a yellow California T shirt and khaki shorts, her in her green coat covered in buttons.

“So Amanda,” Val began. “You excited for college?”

“Yeah! HIA is my dream college. I can't wait!”

“Maybe you can wait a bit for my sake,” I said, anxiety bubbling to the surface. I wished she could take classes from home, but I think I had to let her go.

“Ah, college. I remember those days. Met my girlfriend senior year.”

“Nice gal,” Robert added. “Gal and Val,” he chuckled.

Amanda groaned. “It's too early for dad jokes.”

“It's never too early for dad jokes,” I said.

“No! Not you, too!” she cried out, faking a faint in her seat. “That reminds me though – dad, I need help moving my stuff into the dorms on August sixteenth.”

“Okay.”

“You need help moving?” Robert asked.

“Um… I don't know. I'll have to review the info packet. I don't think it was very much.”

“Let me know if you need help, I'll be there!”

“Aww, thanks Robert.”

The waiter came by. I ordered cheesecake pancakes to see what they were like. Robert ordered banana, Amanda ordered chocolate chip, and Val ordered a variety stack.

“You look better today, pops,” Val said.

“Got a good night's sleep.” He looked at me with a grin, and Val's lips turned up in a knowing smile.

“I see.”

“On the floor?” Amanda asked. “If I don't have at least three blankets I don't feel like I can truly enjoy sleeping.”

“I'm used to it. I go camping a lot.”

The conversation lulled, and I saw Amanda fidgeting.

“Amanda,” Robert said.

Amanda looked up at him. “Yeah?”

“Lots of people think they have to fill the silence. Maybe they're nervous about it or what the other people will think, but it's okay to just enjoy the silence.”

Amanda seemed to relax, though she switched to texting instead. Maybe some day. Meanwhile, I enjoyed Val and Robert's company.

When the food came out, we ate in silence until Amanda couldn't stand it anymore. “Oh my god, someone say something, please.”

“Show Val some of your photographs,” Robert suggested. He got a bit of banana on his chin and didn't notice. I gestured toward mine to try to alert him, but it went over his head.

“Oh, I haven't showed you any.”

Amanda took out her phone and showed Val her photos. Her portfolio impressed Val to the point that she gave Amanda her boss’ contact info. “You ever want an internship, email her. Tell her I forwarded you. I already gave you my info for it, but this is good stuff.”

After Val paid and drove us home, she left her car idling in the driveway. “It's been fun, but I have to get going.”

“Aww,” Amanda said. “It feels like you just got here.”

“I know, kid. It isn't a short drive and life doesn't stop just because I wanted to visit my old man.”

The old man in question stood at my side, puffing out vapor like a smokestack. Seeing him in leather and aviators again, an e-cig in hand felt a bit surreal after last night. He looked rugged and hardened, but he'd tenderly held me and breathed me in for a few minutes before letting me spoon him. It felt wonderful that he trusted me with all his heavily guarded feelings, that he opened up to share all the affection in his heart with me.

Val hugged Amanda first, then her father, then me. “Come back soon,” Robert said.

“Eventually,” Val said. “Maybe.”

After she drove off, Robert turned to face us. “Well, I got shit I gotta do today,” he muttered as he stuffed his e-cig in a coat pocket.

“You too?” Amanda visibly deflated.

“Aw, come on, I’m two houses down.” He pointed past Joseph's estate. “I'll be back soon.”

“Alright. Just as long as you remember.”

Robert raised an eyebrow. “Remember what?”

“They're watching you,” Amanda said in a conspiratorial whisper.

Robert broke into laughter with a big grin and Amanda smiled in victory. “Okay, seeya later.”

Robert didn't give me a kiss goodbye, or even do anything to hint we were an item. I suspected it was because Amanda was right there, or maybe because we were outside and Hugo was outside across the street, getting the newspaper. I waved to him, and he waved back with a smile.

Still, it kind of hurt.

Back in the house, I settled in to do some work at my computer, when I heard Dadbook beep. I checked it and sure enough, it was Robert.

From: Robert   
Hey   
i wanted to kiss you goodbye bt amanda was right there   
sorry abt that   
im not really ready to be public   
i didnt hurt you did i

I felt better now that I knew, but still… I told a little white lie.

To: Robert   
No, I'm cool. I understand not wanting to be out yet.

From: Robert   
do you wanna be out

To: Robert   
A little bit. I want people to know that I'm proud to be your boyfriend.

Robert didn't answer.

 

* * *

 

Thursday, on the way home from yoga, Robert stopped walking and took a deep drag off his e-cig. I turned to look at him, only to notice him looking around, like he thought people were watching.

“What's up?”

“I…” He kept looking around for a moment, before turning to look me in the eyes. “I was just thinking about what you said the other day, about being proud to be my boyfriend.”

I watched him smoke a bit. He could make anything look cool doing that, even yoga clothes.

“It really hit me hard, and I—” He took a deep, wavering breath. “—I'm proud to be your boyfriend, too. I just wish I believed you should be proud.”

“Oh, Robert…”

The wind caught the vapor and pulled it behind him in a rapidly diffusing cloud. “I still think sometimes that you deserve better than me, that you're making a mistake.”

“I'm absolutely not making a mistake.”

Robert met my eyes with a gutted expression. “Huh?”

I more fully slung my yoga mat over my shoulder and held him by the biceps. “You aren't some bad decision on my part, or an embarrassment to me, or anything like that.”

Robert looked so vulnerable that I wasn't sure what to do but keep going.

“I want people to know that even though you say you're a bad guy, that I know you're better than that, that you're doing hard work to change. I want people to know that I'm proud of you, that I'm confident in you. I want them to know that I _chose_ you.”

Robert's face turned down in an anguished frown before he schooled it and took in a shaky breath. He looked in my eyes for a few moments as the words sunk in.

I had an idea to do all of those at once without saying a single word. “Do you… wanna go get coffee?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Coffee? Like… at _The Coffee Spoon_?”

“Yeah.” I took his right hand in my left and twined our fingers together. “Let's go say hi to Mat.”

“Okay!” Robert’s face lit up and my heart skipped a beat. “Has anyone ever told you it's confusing that your names sound the same?”

“All the time.” I started walking toward Mat’s coffee shop with Robert in tow, our hands interlocked. “You can always call me something else.”

“Like what?”

“Like ‘dear,’ or ‘honey.’ ‘Darling.’”

Robert snorted. “Do I look like the kind of guy who'd call someone ‘darling?’”

I gently swung our hands between us as we walked. “I figured it'd depend on how southern you felt that day.”

I stepped into _The Coffee Spoon_ still holding hands with Robert. Mat smiled and waved, but I didn't miss how his eyes immediately locked on our linked hands.

“Hey, guys. How's it goin’?” he asked with a cheery smile.

“Good,” Robert said. “Real good.”

“That's great to hear. I mean, I guess it should be great to hear that someone is doing good, unless you don’t like the person or something. But I mean, you’re a great guy, so that’s… uh, good. Um, back from yoga class or something?”

“Yeah. Matt and I just finished up and we had a caffeine craving.”

“What can I get for you, then?”

I perused the menu for a moment. I didn't want something _too_ strong. “Can I get a Chai Antwoord?”

“I'll have a Godspeed You! black coffee.”

“Cream? Sugar?”

“Two of each,” Robert said, holding up two fingers.

“You want some banana bread?” I asked him.

“Um… sure.”

“Two pieces of Right Said Banana Bread, please.”

“Coming right up! Have a seat if you like.”

Robert led me to the secluded corner that I once saw him lurking in. There were a few other customers, but they didn't pay us any mind. Robert stroked my thumb with his and looked me in the eyes with a little smile.

“Here's your drinks,” Mat said. He set them down along with our banana bread on a plate, then took a seat across from us. “So what's new?” His eyes drew back down to our clasped hands. “Are you…?”

“Since Friday,” Robert said. He paused to take a bite of bread. “Wow, this is good. Why have I never tried this?”

“That's awesome! You two make a handsome couple.”

Robert blushed and ducked his head. “Thanks.”

Mat’s jaw dropped. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush.” He turned to look at me over his glasses. “Did he just blush?”

“Stop, you’re gonna embarrass him,” I chuckled. I laid my other hand on his and gently stroked. Robert looked up at me with a smile.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in… a very long time, Robert.”

Robert shrugged. “He’s good to me.” He looked at the flyers on the wall for a moment before pointing at one, his bread still in hand. I watched a crumb fly off and almost hit Mat’s face. “Is that a punk concert?”

“Yeah,” Mat said. “They play at the fairgrounds tomorrow night.”

“You wanna go?” he asked, turning to meet my eyes.

“Just like that, you wanna take me to a concert?”

“Fuck yeah, let’s go.”

Mat gave a two-finger wave to get my attention. “I have tickets you can have. I asked somebody out on a date, but he bailed this morning.”

“Really? You’d do that?” Robert asked, incredulous. “How much were they? I’ll buy them off you.”

“You don't have to, I have nothing to do with them.”

“Shut up and take the money, Mat.”

Robert pulled some cash out of his wallet and exchanged it for Mat’s tickets. (He explained that his date was to pick them up from him at the shop today, hence why he had them with him). I hadn't actually said yes, so it was a little entertaining that he was so excited for the concert.

“Thanks,” Robert said.

“No problem. Hope you enjoy the concert. I'll leave you two to your personal time, have a great day!”

“I haven't been to a punk concert in years,” Robert said between sips of coffee.

“I can't remember the last time I was at one. Probably when the _Ramones_ were still popular.”

“The _Ramones_ are still popular,” Robert added. “Just because they're all resting in peace doesn't mean anything.”

“I remember when Tommy died. I think I didn't leave the house for three days.”

“Me neither. The last of the legends.”

“To the _Ramones_ ,” I said, lifting my tea. Robert clinked his mug against mine and took a sip. I leaned in close for some privacy. “How do you feel about telling Mat?”

“I…” Robert’s brown and amber eyes searched mine for a moment. “I'm glad we told him. I'm glad I told someone.” He grinned and held back a happy laugh. “It's like it's more official now, you know?”

“Yeah. I'm happy he knows, too.”

Sitting in silence in Mat’s coffee shop, my hand linked with Robert’s felt so right. Something as mundane as drinking chai felt a little bit nicer with Robert – with my boyfriend, Robert – here with me.

“My cravings are really mild, now,” Robert said apropos of nothing.

“Oh? That's good.” I squeezed his hand and smiled at him.

“This medication has been… a relief, honestly. You know how they say it's like a monkey on your back?”

“Yeah. Never felt something like it, myself.”

“It's like the monkey finally got bored and got off me. I'm just a little dizzy sometimes, now.”

“I can think of worse side effects.”

“Yeah…”

I looked at Robert – at all of him, his handsome face and messy hair, his plush lips, his soulful eyes. It was an absolute joy and privilege to watch him transform himself from a miserable, bad (his words), broken man into someone who stood a fighting chance of a normal life, at redeeming himself.

“I'm gonna be okay, I think,” he whispered. “I can do this. I just have to take it one day at a time.”

I lifted his hand to give a kiss to the back, then leaned in to give him a soft smooch on the lips. “I'm so proud of you, Rob.”

Robert smiled and a few tears slid down his cheeks. He brushed them away with his sleeve and we finished our drinks in silence, gazing at each other in quiet contemplation.

 

* * *

 

The concert started at six. Robert rang the doorbell a little before five.

I answered the door and found him in the strangest outfit I've ever seen.

“Hey,” he said. “I brought appropriate attire for you.”

“Me? What about you?”

Robert had several fake earrings clipped on, red plaid pants, and – most egregiously – a black shirt clearly proclaiming ‘fuck off’ in block white text on it. The worst part was how well it hugged his body.

“What about it?”

“Where did you get that shirt? Or those _pants?”_

“You know,” he shrugged. “Places. Stores.”

“‘Places’ as in separate from stores?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Places.”

“You've made that word sound weird.”

“You're the one who asked. So I didn't know what you had for punk clothing – hi Amanda,” he said, waving behind me.

I looked behind me to see her staring and silently waving.

“I brought something that really can't go wrong.”

Robert took out from behind him – or somewhere, he seemed to have a knack for carrying improbable amounts of things – a clothes hanger with a leopard print button up and black pants with torn knees. I noticed a pair of combat boots at his side.

“Where did you _get_ that?”

“Places.”

I kneaded my temples and held back a smile. “Right. My mistake.”

“Change into these, I gotta do my eyeliner.”

“Eyeliner?” I asked. This was shaping up to be a weird evening already.

I had to say (at least mentally), wearing Robert's clothing – regardless of how ridiculous it looked in certain circles – was a little erotic. This shirt had hugged his body in all the places it hugged mine. These pants probably cradled his—

Er… concert.

I found Robert in the bathroom with an eyeliner pencil. He turned to check me out – only one of his eyes blackened so far – and his face split from his huge grin. “You look great. Here, I have some accessories for you.”

Again, from pockets that didn't seem to exist, he produced a pair of chains that he attached to my pants, and two spiked bracelets.

“What are you two doing?” Amanda asked from the hallway, her sudden appearance startling me. At least we weren't doing anything intimate.

“We're going to a punk rock concert and we have to look the part or we'll stick out like sore thumbs,” Robert said while he fought with the buckle – clasp, whatever – on my bracelets.

“Oh, cool.”

“Oh, shit…” I muttered. “I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you sooner. Are you gonna be okay alone for dinner?”

“Yeah, we still have some of that lasagna you made a few days ago.”

“Okay. I love you,” I said on impulse.

“I love you, too, dad,” she said with an eyebrow up in confusion. “Have fun at your concert!”

After she left, I watched Robert pencil on eyeliner and smudge it to finish it off, then do his other eye. “Fascinating, isn't it?” he asked.

“The eyeliner?”

“Yeah.”

“Kind of. Never watched anyone do it before.”

“This is simple stuff, and the only thing I know how to do.” Robert opened his eyes wide and checked each eye before turning to me. “Okay, your turn. Sit on the counter facing this way so the light hits you.” I complied and sat with crossed arms. “Keep your eye open while I draw this part, okay?”

When he put the pencil on my eyelid, I reflexively closed my eyes.

“Hey. I'm not gonna hurt you, I promise.”

“I know, it just—reflex.”

“Try to fight it.”

I heard Amanda open the door to her room and walk into the kitchen, then go back and shut her door again. Robert began drawing along the bottom of my eyelid and I had to force my eye open.

“I still don't know how to tell Amanda we're dating.”

“I told Val with a shitty joke.”

I snorted. “She told me about that. I thought about that, but I also kind of wanted it to be serious. I also don't really want her to think you're a replacement or something, because you aren't.”

Robert’s eyebrows shot up. “Replacement? Oh, for…”

Watching him apply eyeliner with such intense concentration was kind of adorable. He was smudging it around my eye now, one hand gently cupping my cheek.

“Yeah…”

“I've never asked about your previous partner.”

I sighed and my heart hurt. I wouldn't ever stop loving or missing Alex, and sometimes I felt guilty for wanting a relationship. Robert was wonderful, and I loved him so much, but he wasn't a new Alex, and I didn't want him to be either.

“It still stings sometimes, thinking about it.”

Robert paused to look me in the eyes. “What happened?” he asked with some hesitation.

“He – car accident.”

Robert stared for a moment, his mouth open and his eyes sad. “A car accident…?”

“Yeah.”

“You mean… when I yelled at you, weeks ago, about how you didn't understand how I felt…”

My chest hurt thinking about this. “I kind of do.”

“Why didn't you say anything?”

“I just…” I took a deep, calming breath and diverted my eyes. “You were hurting, Robert. You were hurting so bad and I didn't want to say anything that would have made it about me.”

Robert stared, apparently speechless, with a downtrodden expression.

“I wanted you to feel better and I wanted to give you hope. So I ignored the human urge to find someone who understood and just… did what I could for you. I think it was a good choice, do you?”

His sad face would be the death of me if he didn't say or do anything. Eventually, he lay a hand on my shoulder and gently rubbed. “I'm sorry.”

I didn't know what to say. Ten different responses swirled in my head and I settled on a shaky “Thank you.”

Robert started on my other eye, but he kept his hand on my face and sometimes gently rubbed my cheek with his thumb. “I'm sorry I was so thoughtless and angry.”

“It's okay, Rob. I know that you were in pain, and I—”

I paused as I looked in Robert's eyes. I saw remorse and a different kind of pain from what we both felt that day so long ago.

“It's okay,” I whispered. “It's okay.”

He seemed to accept that and resumed his work on my eyeliner. “Your feelings are important to me,” he said lowly. “If I hurt you, I want you to tell me.”

“I will.”

Robert stopped drawing again to give me a kiss, his lips taking mine for a few seconds of gratefulness and apology in one. I loved getting to see his soft and tender side, and I caressed his neck as he drew away, goosebumps forming under my fingers from my touch.

“How _do_ you tell your kid you're dating someone?” he asked, as clueless as I was.

“Right? I have no idea.”

“Just don't call me your ‘special friend.’”

“Oh god,” I groaned. “Believe me, I will never call you something so cringey, Robert.”

As Robert worked on my makeup, I noticed that his made him look a little hotter – and that resting my hands in my lap made the spiky bracelets dig into my thighs.

“Open up your shirt a bit more. One button I think.”

I undid one of them in the ridiculous leopard print shirt, baring some chest. “How come?”

“For me, of course,” Robert said with a grin as he trailed a finger down into my chest hair. I blushed and he lightly rubbed my sternum. “I'm almost done, I just have to smudge now. Keep your eye open.”

I did my best to force it open, looking away from the smudger to spare my cornea. Robert still held my face with a soft touch, tilting my head as he needed.

A few moments later, he cupped my cheeks and briefly kissed me, his pillowy lips against mine a lovely capstone to the oddly intimate makeup session. “All done.” He glanced at his phone and pocketed it again. “We should go now. The concert starts soon.”

As we piled in his truck, a thought came to mind. “Who's playing at it?”

“Fuck if I know. Bunch of kids who hate the government, probably. Too many people do bad covers of _I Wanna Be Sedated_.”

Parking at the fairgrounds was horrible to put it lightly. It didn't have the best parking lot in the first place, but there were so many kids loitering about that Robert got stuck in the lot for almost ten minutes before we gave up and parked on the street a few blocks away.

It was incredibly amusing, walking to the fair grounds together and watching people react to Robert’s shirt. He wore a permanent glare that probably deterred anyone from confronting him about it – even the odd parent or two with a hand over their child’s eyes.

A band was already warming up as we presented our tickets. “Nice shirt,” an employee said to me.

“Told you,” Robert added. When we reached the thoroughfare, he declared “I'm hungry. How about you?”

“Starving.”

Robert eschewed his usual Hawaiian pizza for something he didn't normally get. He got an elephant ear and hot dog, I got a cheeseburger and corn dog.

“This hot dog tastes kinda weird,” Robert said around his food.

“Hmm. Does it look cooked?”

“Yeah. I dunno. Kind of a shame to toss half of it.”

The first band had started railing against The Man by the time we got to the stage. We ate on the sidelines while angry teens and twenty-somethings danced to the quick tempo.

I'd forgotten how short punk songs were, as by the time we finished eating, the first band had finished two songs and were about to play their last. It was – unfortunately – a cover of _I Wanna Be Sedated_.

“I told you. Come on, let's dance!” Robert yelled over the music.

Robert and I showed off our best dad dancing, including standing in place and aimlessly rotating, and jumping up in place. At the chorus, Robert held up an arm with his fingers in a devil's horns. He turned to me and growled with his tongue stuck out, and I laughed and growled, too.

The second band came out and started. My poor knee ached from jumping around, so I retreated to the sidelines. I was a little bit too old for this.

“That was fun,” Robert said, a bit breathless. He coughed a few times into his shoulder and cleared his throat. “Gotta smoke for a bit.”

I stood at his side while he nursed his e-cig, watching the band go through two songs before he finished.

“Wow, I wasn't smoking _that_ long. How short are they making them, these days?”

The third band took the stage, and Robert led me out into the crowd again to dance more. During their second song, he took my face in his hands and kissed me. I curled around him and melted into it, his lips and tongue playing with mine, mouthing at each other until I felt breathless.

“Robert, please,” I said, my face burning hot. “We aren't alone.”

“So two men kissing in a world that'd rather we didn't isn't the most punk thing you've heard of?”

I looked in his eyes and at his eager smile. “Well when you put it that way… kiss me, Rob.”

He wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest as he kissed me again, his lips devouring mine. Someone nearby whooped as I leaned into him and sucked on his tongue with a moan. He pulled away and looked in my eyes for a moment – his own dilated with want – and kissed my cheek. “You mean the world to me,” he whispered in my ear, barely audible over the band playing.

“I'd love some more privacy,” I said, my hard cock pressing right against his.

“No one here gives a shit,” he said before taking my lips again. He leaned me back to cradle me in his arms in a slight dip, kissing me so deep I briefly felt his teeth against mine before he bit my lower lip. I found purchase around his shoulders, my other arm holding tight to his low back, and he groaned. I thought it sounded vaguely pained until he stood me up again and backed off, a hand supporting his lower spine.

“Robert?”

“Ow…” he gritted out, his eyes shut in pain. “Bit too much weight, there. I'm not twenty anymore.”

“Oh god, are you okay?” I reached helplessly for him, as if any touch could undo what I inadvertently did.

“I'll be fine,” he heaved out. “I'll be fine. Let's go sit down.”

At the far edge of the clearing, past the dancers, we found a table. Robert let out a sigh of relief when he sat down and reclined. “I hate feeling old,” he said, his eyes half-lidded as he smiled at me.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, worry and guilt making my stomach churn.

“It's okay,” Robert said. “Nice to get an occasional reminder that I'm not invincible, I guess.” He reached over the table with a hand outstretched, and I gladly took it in mine. “It's nothing a nice massage won't fix.” He winked with a devious grin, the eyeliner making him look especially seductive.

“Are you suggesting something, Mr. Small?” I asked with as sly a smile I could manage.

“What I'm trying to say is I have my shaving bag in the truck for impromptu nights over, inside which I have – among the usual contents – a tube of lavender massage cream.”

“Lavender?”

“Lavender. Don't you like lavender?” he asked.

“Well, yeah, who doesn't? I just didn't expect it.”

Robert aggressively pointed a finger in defense. “Lavender does wonders to promote relaxation and intimacy, so says a magazine I read at a 7-11 a few days ago.”

“What magazine was that?”

“I don't remember, I didn't buy it. I just stood there and read the article until the clerk yelled at me.”

Did he buy it _just_ for me?

“So what do you say?” he asked, with an eyebrow quirked up. “Want to spend some quality time alone tonight, rubbing each other down?”

I laughed and he broke into a big smile. “I'd love that.”

 

* * *

 

We stayed for another two bands before the prospect of some intimate time together grew too alluring. Robert moved a bit slower circa when I pulled on his back, but I was determined to make it up to him with a tender, careful massage.

On the way home, however, we passed a frozen yogurt shop that I'd never actually been to, but always wanted to try. “Hey,” I said, tapping him on the shoulder. “Let's get frozen yogurt.”

“Frozen yogurt…?”

“We just passed it, turn around.”

Robert did a quick U turn at the next intersection – maybe a bit too aggressively, judging by how the back end of the truck swung out a bit and the tires screeched on the pavement – and pulled into the lot.

The store was almost eye-searingly colorful. Froyo dispensers lined the back wall, and a circular clerk counter waited before us. The clerk's eyes widened at the sight of us – or maybe Robert's shirt – as we approached. I must have looked confused, because she cleared her throat and asked if we'd ever been there.

After she explained how it worked, I picked out peanut butter and banana. Robert eyed the pineapple, but he decided on chocolate and cake batter. I added as many different peanut butter-related toppings as I could, while Robert slathered his in marshmallow sauce.

After paying, we sat at a tall, spindly table and quietly ate together. On impulse, I lightly swung my leg to tap his foot from the side. He was in the middle of a bite when he looked at me with his brow furrowed in surprise, the spoon still in his mouth.

I burst into laughter, and he shrugged. “What?”

“The face you made,” I giggled. “I don't know why it was so funny. All I did was tap your foot.”

“I'm confused,” he said, making me laugh harder.

“Hey!” exclaimed an elderly man, pointing at Robert as he hobbled over with a cane. “You shouldn't wear such lewd shirts in public! It's indecent!”

Robert narrowed his gaze. “You read the shirt, so now you know what to do. Scram.”

“What if a child sees it?”

“Look, I’m trying to enjoy some frozen yogurt with my boyfriend, so kindly mind your own business and fuck off like the shirt says.”

“Humph.” He stormed off to talk to the clerk out of our earshot.

“Maybe that was a bit harsh,” Robert said with a guilty look. “But what does he expect me to do? Strip it off?”

I held back a chuckle. “I wouldn't mind, but I wonder which he'd prefer.”

Robert stirred rather than ate his yogurt for a few moments. “Fuck it,” he muttered, before peeling off his shirt from hem to top. I got a nice view of him stretching, the flat planes of his hairy body a wonderful little show before he put his shirt back on inside out. He grimaced a moment later. “Something on the back of my shirt was sticky and now it's touching me. I have no idea what it is.”

“Oh god.”

The old man came hobbling back with the manager in tow. “Remove him from this establishment!” he yelled, pointing his cane at Robert.

The manager – a black woman somewhere in her thirties – stared at Robert with a bewildered expression. She switched between over her glasses and through them a few times. “Why? It's just a black shirt. Am I missing something?”

“He turned it inside out.”

“Oh. Well then. Enjoy your food, sorry for the intrusion.”

The manager left while the old man kept yelling at us. “You miscreants should be removed for how you spoke to me!”

“Honey, let’s just go,” I said. “He clearly doesn't know when he's lost.”

“Don't sass me!”

“You should have listened to the shirt, buddy,” I said before standing up and leading Robert outside.

“I was about ready to pull the Marquess of Queensbury rules on him,” Robert chuckled. “I liked the callback, thanks.”

“You may have been too harsh, but that doesn't mean I can't back you up anyway.”

“Besides, we gotta live up to the outfit.”

“I blame the clothing for everything.”

Robert grinned around his last bite of frozen yogurt. “It's the clothing, rather than personal failure of morals.”

“Let's get the fuck outta here,” I said as we hopped in his truck.

 

* * *

 

I snuck Robert into my room without Amanda noticing, both of us shushing and holding back giggles like prankster schoolchildren. I got some damp cloths to wipe away our makeup and the sticky bit on Robert's back. He brushed his teeth and used the bathroom while I prepared my bed, then I took a turn.

When I came back to my room, I walked up and gave him a firm kiss that I hoped said ‘I want you.’

“How clothed do you want to be tonight?” I asked, looking in his eyes with my hands framing his face.

“Uh… not at all,” Robert said.

“Nothing?” I was admittedly more than a little excited about the prospect of _naked_ personal time.

Robert smiled, though he tried for sultry. “Nothing. That okay?”

“That's more than fine by me.”

Robert started by unbuttoning my shirt. I pulled his off from the hem upward. He leaned in to kiss me again, and we started on each other’s pants. When we were down to underwear, he looked me in the eyes and pulled his boxers down until they hit the floor. He gave me a cocky head tilt with a grin.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Robert?” I chuckled.

“No,” he said, schooling his expression. “I'm trying to make you laugh. It worked.”

I grabbed the waistband of my boxer briefs and pushed down until there wasn't any clothing left on either of us. Robert tiptoed into my personal space, holding me by my sides as his lips met mine. I closed my eyes and held him by the biceps. I couldn't keep my cock down, but when I hardened up I felt his against mine anyway, so it wasn't like I was the only guilty party.

“Let’s sit,” Robert whispered when he pulled back.

I sat down on my bed, letting all my weight down with a creak of the bed springs. Robert more carefully sat across from me and looked down at my manhood.

“You're really big,” he said with a snort. “I like big.”

I glanced down at Robert's lap and got a lengthy look at his long cock, perfectly shaped and visibly veiny. Had I known in advance he wanted to go nude I probably would have trimmed a bit, but he must have planned this because the hair all around him was shapely and uniform.

“You have a very handsome cock,” I said. I cringed and laughed. “That sounded kind of weird.”

Robert smiled and kissed me. “We aren't really supposed to sexualize yet. At least that's what Dr. Taft told me. Just enjoy each other's company and how we look.”

“I… really like how the head looks?”

“Thanks. You have fantastic balls,” Robert said. His face was bright red but he had a big grin. “I bet they're full of—wait, nevermind.”

“Robert, not right now,” I laughed. I rubbed his thighs with my palms while I looked at him. There really wasn't anything I didn't like, from how long or thick he was to how the hair traveled up from his lap into a nice happy trail on his belly. He had wonderfully big balls and hairy thighs and—

I really wanted to bury my face in his lap and suck him deep until he came hard for me. Ideally, right down my throat. But I resisted even telling him that much.

“I honestly could spend all day with you like this,” I said.

“I really like that… your nuts are hairy. Uh…” Robert blushed and stared at the blanket. “A lot of guys shave down there and like. Part of the masculine sexual experience is all the hair down there. Am I making _any_ sense?” he asked, his blush darkening.

“Yeah, you are. I like that you ‘manscape.’”

“God,” he murmured. “You have a fucking perfect cock.”

“That's not true,” I said, lightly shoving his shoulder. “Stop buttering me up.”

“I'm dead serious.”

“Come on. It's not like your dick looks fantastic too, or anything.”

“Maybe we should get on with the massages before this turns into a compliment contest,” Robert said, holding back a laugh by biting his lip.

“Can I rub your back first, since I hurt you?”

“Okay.”

I instructed Robert to lay down with my pillow under his belly to support his body. “Where's the sticky bit?”

Robert stretched an arm behind him and awkwardly pointed toward where his skin looked a little darker than normal. With a damp cloth I gently rubbed in circles until it looked normal again.

“Here,” Robert said, handing me the tube of massage cream from the nightstand.

I straddled his thighs because there really wasn't much better of positions available. I just hoped his butt so close to my junk didn't tempt him, especially since I was still achingly hard. At least it was intimate, I supposed.

I uncapped the tube and squirted some on my palms. I'd never actually given someone a massage other than when I rubbed sunscreen into Robert's skin, and he enjoyed that a lot, so…

To start I slathered it all over his back and gently rubbed him until he was just slick enough that his skin didn't resist me. His breathing under me slowed as he relaxed.

“Scoot up a little bit closer?” he asked. I shifted my weight, pressing my manhood right up against his buttcrack, my balls hugging his butt. He tensed up under me and I worried about what he was doing. “Yeah, like that.” I guess he wanted me to push his boundaries.

I started to gently knead his lower back, and he gasped. The smell of lavender filled the air and Robert went limp under me.

“This is really nice,” he murmured into the sheets. I squirted more cream and worked on his shoulders and biceps. He had a nice amount of muscle on him; this was really erotic and intimate all at once. “Don't know what I did to deserve you,” he said. He sounded a bit sleepy, actually.

_I love you dearly,_ I thought as I put a bit more weight into massaging his upper back. His outgoing lifestyle must keep him in decent shape, but I got the impression he'd lost a little bit of weight since quitting drinking. He looked the tiniest bit thinner, at least on his sides where love handles often showed up. I debated telling him then and there how much he meant to me, to make the moment I told him special and memorable. I was such a sucker for romantic tropes.

I thought Robert had fallen asleep by the time I slowed to gentle, meaningless strokes intended to make him feel loved. He shifted under me a bit. “Can I have a turn?”

I lightly trailed my fingers along his sides and shimmied off him. My cock was still rock hard when he sat up and kissed me with a smile. At least his dick stood ramrod straight, practically begging me for attention. Robert quietly laughed when he looked down to see our cocks standing at attention.

“I guess I never really thought you didn't actually have to have sex after something like this.”

“This is nice,” I said.

“Maybe we should have a bit more touching next time. Lay down?”

He gave me another kiss, and I took his spot, laying down on my pillow to push up my back. Robert sat on my legs and moved forward until I felt his hairy nuts against my body, his cock resting between my butt cheeks.

His hands were a bit cold the moment they touched my back to spread the cream. I blamed the cream itself. It was just like when he put sunscreen on me, but a little gentler and a lot more personal.

The lavender quickly lulled me into a half-sleep, where I wondered if golden sheep sounded metallic when they bleated, or if red flowers grew faster because red made things faster.

I hoped Robert took great joy in rubbing me down, because I adored how his hands felt on my back and shoulders. When he stopped for a few moments, his hands resting on my shoulder blades, I wondered what he was up to. He took a deep breath as if to say something important, but nothing came.

I almost passed out by the time he moved his hands again. I wasn't sure if that meant he stayed there a long time, or if I was rapidly falling asleep.

“I'm ready for bed,” he quietly said.

“Me too,” I mumbled.

Robert pushed himself off me and lay down at my side, gathering me in his arms and guiding my face to his chest as I gratefully curled around him. He smelled like lavender with a little bit of spice under it. Maybe his shower gel. I lay there with my face buried in his soft chest hair and I wondered what I did to deserve him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I'm really not sorry.](http://cranitys-art.tumblr.com/post/164160803272/idk-if-hed-actually-wear-this-but-that-aint)


	11. Chapter 11

I startled awake from a noise down the hall. It sounded like the toilet seat slamming open. Then I heard retching. My caretaking instincts kicked into overdrive and I bolted down the hall to see what was wrong—

But it wasn't Amanda I found throwing up, it was Robert. My poor boyfriend was sitting on the floor naked, slumped against the tile wall next to the toilet. I hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t with me when I woke up in my haste to see what had gone wrong.

“Oh, honey,” I said. I knelt next to Robert, who shuddered violently. His breathing came in troubled, shallow heaves and his shoulder felt clammy under my hand. “What happened? What's wrong?”

“Th-threw up, stomach feels horrible. Feel cold,” he stammered out through shivers.

“Is it withdrawal?” I laid a hand on his forehead, and felt him burning up. “You have a fever,” I murmured.

He vigorously shook his head. “Not – not withdrawal.”

“Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” he moaned.

I brought him some clean underwear and pajama pants, then prepared my room with the usual things a sick person needed: water, crackers, a fan, and The Bucket™. While making sure my bed would be comfortable for him, I heard him throw up again. When I finished up and returned to the bathroom, he was still doubled over and unclothed. I lay a hand on his sweaty back and stroked trying to comfort him. “Can you put on the clothes yourself?”

Robert shook his head and shivered again. I threaded his legs through the boxers and pants and had to wrestle them up past his butt. He held out his arms and I wrapped around him to heft him up to his feet. I supported him while he rinsed out his mouth, then slowly walked him to my room and helped him lay down on the bed.

“If you have to throw up again, use this bucket, okay? I’m gonna go get a few more things.” I brought back a pitcher of water and the thermometer. “Under your tongue, please?”

One hundred and two degrees Fahrenheit. I had to cool him down. Just to start, I tried the fan.

“Do you have to run that?” he asked with a groan. “I'm so cold…”

“I know you are, but you know how fevers go.”

Every time he tried to shield himself from it I had to pull the blanket down. “Robert. Please. I'm trying to help.”

He buried his face in the pillow in defiance.

“Is there anything I can do to distract you?” Robert lay there in passivity. I lightly patted his bicep. “Maybe some music? I could play some videos on my phone?”

I started up the Netflix app – Amanda had shown me how to use it just the other week – and propped my phone up on the nightstand in his field of view. They'd just put the first season of _Long Haul Paranormal… Whatever_ up, so I picked the pilot episode for him.

“Here, let's watch this together.”

I had to turn it up to overpower the ambient noise of the fan, but at least Robert was watching.

He threw up every fifteen minutes like clockwork, despite there not being anything to purge. “I think it's food poisoning,” he murmured. “That funny-tasting hot dog, probably.”

“That'd make the most sense.”

“I'm never eating a hot dog again.”

I laughed and stroked his back.

“I'm so cold,” he said, and he weakly grabbed at the blanket to pull it over his head.

“I need to keep your temperature down,” I said as I slowly pulled it down again. His upper body was exposed, but I let him keep his legs covered. It was pretty hot tonight, so the fan wasn't doing that much other than evaporating sweat. “Here, let me check it again. Maybe you can bundle up if it's down.”

Robert’s temperature hadn't lowered at all, still hovering around one-oh-two.

“I don't think the fan is working.”

“Just leave it, I guess. It'll be fine.” Robert doubled over, his arms crossed as he visibly shivered. It ached in my chest, seeing him suffer like this.

I started the second episode and gently lifted Robert's head to give him some water. He looked irritated, more than anything.

“I fucking hate feeling like a goddamn invalid,” he muttered. “I dry heaved so hard last time, I threw out my back.” He groaned and pawed at the nightstand. “Can't even fuckin’ sit up, now…”

My heart hurt. It felt a lot like this was ruining how nice a night we had, but at least I wasn't sick. I held the water out for him again and he took a few small sips.

“Thank you,” he said. He sighed and lay down again to watch _Truckers_ with me.

After another episode, during which Robert threw up twice, I took his temperature again. One hundred and two, point five.

“It's going up,” I said. I rubbed my eyes and yawned. When I looked at the clock, it said it was almost three in the morning.

“You should go sleep on the couch or something. I'll be okay,” Robert started. “You shouldn't have to suffer, too.”

“But you can barely move. I want to be here for you, I just… don't want you be in more pain than you have to.”

Robert looked in my eyes with a sad frown. I hated that he looked so downtrodden.

“I'll be right back. I'm gonna try something else to cool you down.”

Robert's silence was enough assent for this. I stood up from my desk chair and nearly tripped on something thanks to the darkness and my drowsiness. I got a few hand towels and a small container of lukewarm water, but I heard Robert throw up from the kitchen, the poor guy.

He had his head in the bucket when I came back. I sat down on the chair next to him with the towels and wrung one out to get it ready. “I got some wet towels to put on you.”

He reared back and let his weight hit the bed again. “Okay.” He sounded more defeated than anything. I hoped he wasn't giving up and taking help he didn't want.

He flinched away from the first damp towel on his shoulders, but eased into the one on his back. I laid one on his head and across his forehead and scooted forward. “You'll be better soon,” I said, laying a hand where his back was bare and gently stroking, as lovingly as I could to keep him calm and comfortable. “I'm right here, okay?”

Robert reached for my phone and paused it, then took my other hand in his. In the dim light from my phone I saw him lick his lips a few times and almost speak. Maybe he just needed water. He almost imperceptibly whimpered and took a breath before he broke the silence, his eyes locked with mine. “I love you,” he whispered.

My heart skipped a beat. “What…?”

He gripped my hand a bit tighter and I stopped stroking his back, as if it'd let me focus more on his words. “I love you, Matt.”

All my longing and heartache came rushing to me in an instant. “You do?” I choked out.

Robert's gaze didn't drift. “I do,” he said. “Here you are, exhausted. You could be sleeping instead of doing this, but… you never stop giving to me, and I just – I can't believe I have someone like you. I love you.”

I held back a whimper and the tears broke through, streaming down my face as my love for this poor, sad man filled my heart. “I love you too, Robert,” I whispered, holding back a sob. His eyes darted over behind me as I started to stroke his back again, as gently as I'd ever touched him before. “I love you so much.”

“It's okay,” he said in a low and soothing tone. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“It’s fine, I just – you make me so happy.” I lifted his hand to kiss the back and held it against my face. “You make me so happy, Robert.”

After a few moments of quietly gazing in his eyes and letting tears fall, Robert spoke up again. “I think Amanda heard us.”

“Huh?” My blood ran cold; I still hadn't told her.

“I saw her peek in. Maybe you should check in on her?”

“If you'll be okay?”

“I'll be fine,” he said. “I have water and crackers.”

I gave Robert a kiss to the temple and left the sanctity of my room. I'd had a bathrobe on circa preparing my bed for him, so at least there was that. I found Amanda in the dark kitchen, nursing a glass of water.

“Hey Panda. What's up?”

“Nothing. Just thirsty.”

“Did you come in my room a few minutes ago?”

Amanda crossed her arms and looked away from me. “Yeah… I heard you and Mr. Small talking. Is he okay?”

“He has food poisoning. Uh… what did you hear?”

“I…” She hesitated. “I heard you say he's gonna be fine, and then he… and then you…”

I sighed and kneaded my temples; I didn't need this right now. “Amanda… I wanted to tell you, I just wasn't sure how… or when.”

“Well… no time like the present,” she said with a smile.

That was enough encouragement. “Okay.” I sat down on a kitchen stool and Amanda sat opposite me, sipping from her glass. “Amanda… Robert is very special to me. We've been dating for a few weeks, he's – he's my boyfriend.”

She nodded and after I didn't say anything else, gestured for me to continue.

“I – he isn't – I'm not trying to replace Alex or something. I love Robert, Amanda. I love him, and he makes me very happy.”

Amanda grinned and braced her chin on a hand. “I think I see that, now. I wondered if there was something between you two, but I never bothered to ask.”

“I just want you to know this doesn't change anything between you and me—”

“Dad. Please. You do so much for me, I know you wouldn't let anyone change that. You deserve more than loneliness – and don't pretend you weren't lonely, I could tell. I'm glad you found someone, especially someone as cool as Mr.—as Robert.”

The tears started up again. “That means a lot to hear from you.”

“Don't mention it. I think you should go be with him.”

“Okay. Sorry we woke you.”

“I'm more worried than angry. Food poisoning is a complete bitch.”

“Hey,” I started. “Could you do me a favor and make some ginger tea for him? I have my hands full trying to keep him comfortable and getting his temperature down.”

“Could have made tea while we were talking,” Amanda teased. “Sure, I can do that.”

“Thanks.”

Amanda started boiling water while I returned to Robert's side. I sat down as close to him as I could and reached over to gently stroke his face. “How're you feeling?”

“My stomach feels like it's trying to turn inside out, and my back is on fire.” Robert let out a sigh and grabbed my hand again.

I rubbed his hand with my thumb. “I’m sorry. What a shitty thing to happen after last night…”

Robert lifted my hand up to cup his scruffy cheek. He seemed to like being physical when he felt sick.

“Do you remember when we went camping, and you told me you'd protect me with your life?” I asked.

“I could never forget,” Robert murmured.

I moved my hand down to rub his bicep. “That's when I knew I loved you, that I really loved you. I said that I'm glad you didn't jump, but I wanted to tell you so bad.”

“Oh.”

“I just didn't want to say it too soon.”

“I think I felt the same way,” he said. “I wanted to tell you earlier, but I—”

“Dad, here's the tea,” Amanda said from the hallway. This time she made her footsteps perfectly audible as she entered my room and set down the teacup on my nightstand.

“Thanks, Panda.”

“I'm goin’ back to sleep. Hope you feel better soon, Robert.”

I held a hand over the tea to check the temperature. It smelled intensely of ginger. “What were you saying?”

Robert waited until he heard Amanda's door click shut. “I wanted to tell you earlier, but I guess I didn't want to… seem like I'm rushing?”

“How many months have I known you, Rob?”

“Three? Four?”

“I lost track, too. But either way, we were still growing closer even if we weren't dating. I care for you very deeply, and I still would if we were still just friends. And it's okay for friends to love each other.”

“But, I don't _just_ love you,” he said. “Not as just a friend.” He lowered his voice to a softer volume. “I'm _in_ love with you. I want to be with you, I want to be your partner, I want…” Robert paused to take a few deep breaths. “You make me want to be a better man.”

My tears started up again. “You are,” I murmured. I stroked his arm as I let myself cry. “You are a better man.” I was so happy he was comfortable sharing these feelings, a few months ago he had trouble telling me he wanted to be a better father. “Here,” I said as I lifted the teacup. “Have some ginger tea. It'll calm your stomach, I hope.”

He took a sip and grimaced. “This is really strong.”

“Not sure if it's better that way. When did you last throw up?”

Robert didn't say anything for a few moments. “I don't remember.”

“You might be in the clear.”

“I hope so.”

I clambered onto the bed behind him and propped myself up so I could see over him. “Let’s watch some more Netflix and maybe you'll fall asleep.”

“I can't look at you, now,” he griped.

“I can't sit in that chair forever, and you need to be near the bucket. I don't want you puking on my bed.”

Robert growled in annoyance, but I think he knew I was right. I heard him nibbling crackers throughout the episode, but he didn't barf.

He hadn't moved for a bit when the episode ended.

“Robert?” I whispered. “Are you still awake?”

Fast asleep, it seemed. I reached over and waved a hand in front of his face and he didn't react. I got up and took his temperature again. It had fallen a full degree.

It seemed like he was gonna be okay.

 

* * *

 

Robert was still asleep when I awoke in the morning. It was past nine, which was pretty good for a Saturday, all things considered. I got up and showered, during which I realized I barely had anything for feeding someone recovering from food poisoning.

I knocked on Amanda's door a little after ten. She answered with bleary eyes and a big yawn. “Hey, pops, what's up?”

“Good morning. How'd you sleep?”

“Pretty great, actually. You need something?”

“I have to go to the store,” I explained. “I need to pick up something more appropriate for a food poisoning patient. Can you keep Robert company and mind his body temperature?”

“I don't plan to go to nursing school, but I can do that,” she said with finger guns.

“Call me if you think you have to operate.”

“I'm sure the military will be interested in his leather jacket exoskeleton.”

“Panda,” I said, seriously. “I don't think it's rated for any kind of ballistics protection. Its military applications are probably highly limited.”

“You're right. I'll have to test it for stab resistance.”

That's my girl.

 

* * *

 

I found Robert and Amanda watching Netflix when I came home. She'd coopted my computer and somehow gotten the monitor on the nightstand with an extension cable I didn't know we had.

“How's it going?” I asked.

“I'm feeling better, but I'm still stuck here from my back being in bad shape.”

“Robert’s temperature fell to a hundred,” Amanda said.

“How about the exoskeleton?”

“Test subject’s leather exoskeleton is highly resistant to stabbing and slashing with all but the sharpest instruments,” Amanda reported. “I recommend reverse engineering for mass production.”

“Excellent.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Robert said as he laughed.

“Just a silly joke,” I said. “You can go if you want, Amanda.”

“Nah, I think I'll stay for a bit. Robert and I were just starting to get to know each other.”

“I'm gonna make breakfast. I'm sorry to say, but yours won't be very exciting, Rob.”

“Oh god,” he moaned. “What is it?”

“Mashed bananas, applesauce, and toast.”

Robert glared at nothing and huffed a breath out his nose. “Sounds great,” he muttered.

I helped him to the bathroom and back, then made eggs for myself and Amanda, and Robert's sick people food, too. When I brought it in, they were in an animated debate.

“I'm telling you, season eight was absolutely the best one. They hit peak with the episode where Flynt found a literal mummy in the back of the truck,” Robert said.

“What about the one where Callum tricked the ghost of William Shakespeare into fighting the ghost of Napoleon? That was classic!”

“That was also season eight.”

“Whaaaaat?” Amanda whined. “No way. I'm looking this up.” She started furiously typing on her phone and Robert rolled his eyes with a fond smile.

I sat in front of him and stroked his arm. The dark hair under my fingers tickled a bit. “I trust you're getting along, then.”

“Is that my breakfast?” Robert asked, craning his neck up to see what I had on the plate.

“Indeed it is.” I set the boring assortment of food in front of him. “I present to you a delicate banana mousse, fresh apple blended with cinnamon, and pineapple jam on whole wheat, accented with a pinch of nutmeg.”

Robert laughed and started eating the ‘banana mousse.’

“Aw man, it _was_ season eight,” Amanda groaned. She flopped on her back, letting the phone slap her on the stomach.

“Told you. I've watched season eight three times.”

“Shit, I was gonna Skype with my new roommate!” Amanda hopped off the bed and rushed out the door. Robert stared in astonishment.

“What's ‘Skype’?” he asked.

“I think it's a video calling program?”

“Oh, one of those things. Well, here goes nothing,” Robert said before downing his medication. He slowly ate his breakfast until he dare not take another bite. He gazed at me in silence for a few moments. “I wish I could stand up and kiss you,” he said.

“You feeling well enough to cuddle?”

He grinned and nodded. “Always.”

I quietly shut my bedroom door and changed into pajama pants – just so we'd be on equal ground – and climbed onto the bed. Robert lay on his back and I carefully lay down on him, nestling my face in his chest hair. His bare belly rose and fell against my chest with every breath he took, and he laid his arms over me.

“I love you, Rob,” I said. I gave his chest a few kisses and he rubbed a hand up and down my spine.

“I love you, too,” he whispered. He aimlessly drew on my bare skin with his fingertips. “It feels really good, deep in my heart, to be able to say that. To hear you say it.”

“Same here. All I've wanted for weeks was to make you happy.”

“You do make me happy,” he said. He cupped the back of my head to cradle me against his furry body. “Happier than I've felt in a very long time.”

I let out a happy sigh and closed my eyes. Robert smelled kind of bad – and who could blame him – but I dearly loved him, and holding him like this made my heart do flips in my chest.

“How did Amanda take the news?”

“Really well. She likes you, which helps a lot, and it wasn't like I was actively hiding it, so she kind of suspected.”

I wondered what he'd think about being her father someday, but we'd only been dating for a few weeks. Maybe he'd already thought of it. Maybe he wanted to be her father.

“Maybe I should draw you a bath,” I chuckled.

“What? You don't like how gross, barfy Robert Small smells?”

“No, I don't,” I said between heavy laughs. “I'll go get one started.”

Five minutes later, I helped Robert hobble to the bathtub. “I fucking… hate this,” he groaned.

“I know, I would too,” I said, as I stripped off his clothes for him. “You'll feel better, lickety split.”

My arms burned in protest as I helped lower him into the water, but he sighed and relaxed into the suds when he hit the floor of the tub. “Thanks,” he said, looking in my eyes.

“Don't mention it. I mean, you'd do the same for me if I were sick, wouldn't you?”

“Of course, I would. It's the least I would do for you.”

I sat on the floor next to the tub for a few moments. Robert sank low enough into the water that his beard became a bubbly beard. I laughed at how ridiculous it looked, and he glared at me.

“What?”

I got a hand mirror out of a drawer and held it out for him. He stared at himself, his brow furrowed in thought, then he lathered up some bubbles and built them up into a big, thick beard and mustache.

I let out a few hearty laughs. “Wow. How did you ever convince me that you're cool and mysterious?” I said between chuckles.

“It's the crippling depression,” he said. He spat out some foam in disgust. “Ugh. You should wash my hair for me.”

I stared, unable to do anything but blink in surprise. “Huh? Can't you do it?”

“Well, yeah, but that's way less fun for you.”

I wondered how to do that without getting body wash suds in his hair – it wouldn’t be so great for hair, you know – but he cleared his throat. “This is, uh… kinda cold, so maybe…”

“I was very careful to draw room temperature water. I have to make your fever better, not worse.” If he wanted something intimate, I could hardly say no. “Okay, dunk your head.”

Robert held his nose shut and dipped underwater, resurfacing a moment later. I poured some shampoo right on his head and lathered it up. He was right, it was a little fun washing his hair for him. He had a big smile even though he kept his eyes shut the whole time.

“Can't exactly shower together, so this'll have to do,” he said. “Don't forget, standing offer.”

“Ah, yes, when I helped my dear friend Bobert clean his house.”

“I'll kick you in the shins,” he said, turning to face me with his eyes closed and brow furrowed in a hilariously impotent angry expression.

“You'll get an extremely cross phone call from my orthopedist.”

I massaged his head for a bit longer than necessary, but with him enjoying it so much, it was hard to pull away.

“Okay, rinse.”

He dunked himself again and came up for air, his hair smoothed down from the water.

After I drained the water and he rinsed off with the showerhead, I bundled him in my bathrobe and set him up on the bed again.

“If you want to move to the living room for TV or something, let me know.”

“I'm fine here. It's quieter and darker, and I want to sleep anyway.”

Robert made himself comfortable and I set up my computer for some much-needed work. As I logged in to the customer service hub, I turned around to tell him to make me leave if typing bothered him, but he looked like he'd either fallen asleep already or was halfway there.

Finally, he had some peace again.


	12. Chapter 12

Our outpouring of emotion the night Robert fell ill sparked something new between us. He was still my best friend, make no mistake, but everything we did felt a bit… deeper, some new, barely perceptible passion between us. Even on days we didn’t see each other, we talked on Dadbook, often idly. When we invariably spent the night together, his guard lowered and he felt like he could open up. It often felt like everything I wanted and then some.

Other times… less so. He still had cravings, and mood swings, and he needed help whenever either happened. Sometimes he turned to Dr. Taft for professional help, sometimes he beseeched me to hold him and talk him through it until he calmed down. Part of loving someone still healing was giving of yourself until you felt stretched thin. I didn't yet – we gave each other plenty of space when we needed it – but so far it felt like it was worth it.

Every time he smiled at me, or kissed me, every time we fell asleep curled around each other made it worth it. Every time he said ‘I love you’ made it worth it.

We were lazing in bed together, one Sunday morning, his head pillowed in my chest hair, lazily drawing on my pec with his fingertips. I held him close, my heart filled with the content warmth from bonding with a partner.

“We haven't gone on a date in a while,” Robert said.

“About a week, I think.”

“That's too long.”

I stroked down his back and scratched him lightly as I looked down at him. I couldn't see his face, only his graying, fluffy hair. “A week is too long?” I laughed, and he propped his head up on an arm to look me in the eyes.

“I guess not. We should do something tonight.”

“Fuck yeah,” I started. “A night on the town, just you and me.”

“Actually, what if we brought Amanda?”

My eyebrows shot up. “You want to bring my daughter?”

“Yeah. I mean… I'm in this for the long haul, aren't you?”

I stroked up Robert's back and cupped the back of his head. “Robert, I love you dearly. Of course, I am. I'm not an ice road trucker, but…”

“Shut up,” he laughed, and lightly smacked my shoulder with a fist.

“Stop!” I cackled, gently shoving him away and playfully shielding myself. “No more!”

“I only hit you once!” Robert stopped wrestling with me and paused to look in my eyes with a smile before he lay down on top of me, leaving a kiss to my sternum as he wrapped around me. “I just thought, if we're in it for keeps, I want to get to know your daughter. If – if I might someday be her other father…”

My heart flooded with warm, life-giving love and I shifted to hug Robert as tight as I could, my face buried in his neck as I resisted the joyful tears that threatened to come.

“Oh,” he chuckled, and held me close. “I was a bit worried it was too early to say something like that.”

I kissed his neck and jawline, needing to do _something_ to show him I loved him. Hanging over my head was the knowledge that he wasn't ready for sex, even though I wanted to make sweet love to him, to give him unspeakable pleasure out of adoration and affection. It wasn't the ultimate expression of love, not by far, but it was a great one.

That, and constantly cuddling and kissing each other’s naked bodies contributed to damp underwear on a daily basis. I could – and would – wait until he got to a point where sex could be loving and tender, but a man had needs, dammit.

“So… you wanna go out for pizza? I found this place a few weeks ago that I want to try.”

“What kind of pizza?” I mumbled into his neck.

“Deep dish.”

“That sounds good, I’d love that.”

“You wanna go ask her?” Robert asked.

I pulled away from kissing – and maybe licking – his neck to kiss the side of his head instead. “Why don't you? You're the one who wants to get to know her better.”

Robert reared back to get a good look at me. “Really?”

“Yeah. Put on my bathrobe and knock on her door.”

Robert got up out of bed and I watched him pull a bathrobe out of my closet. I got a good look at his shapely, hairy butt and thighs as he rummaged around until he finally found it and looped his arms through it. “Be right back.”

I listened to him walk down the hall and knock on her door. “Amanda?” he asked. “Are you busy?”

She opened her door. “No, what's up, Robert?”

“I was wondering, do you wanna go out for pizza tonight?”

“Pizza? Hell yeah! Pizza makes up all four of my food groups: meat, cheese, sauce, and bread. Chips count as bread, of course.”

“Cool. Maybe we can leave around six.”

“Sounds good. You wanna go to the mall with me, today?” she asked, surprising me.

“The mall?” Robert sounded equally surprised.

“Yeah. I found this awesome new store that I bet you'd like. I don't think dad would appreciate it as much.”

Despite my mixed emotions, I didn't say anything. All the better they bond on their own.

“Alright, you and me are gonna take the mall by storm.”

“Yeah!”

Robert came back and divested my bathrobe, lying on me again once he was naked, his face buried in the fur on my chest. I felt his cock and ball sack hug my thigh as he curled around me. It was perfect.

“You should…” he started. “Be ready for something special tonight. If you know what I mean.”

My heartbeat picked up and various possibilities filled my mind. “I'm not sure what you mean.”

“I _mean…_ something new. Like, third base.”

“What's third base? Like… blowjob third base, or—”

“What? No, I mean like. I got some ‘recommendations,’” he said, holding up his hands to do air quotes, only to bury them under me again. “I guess I mean second base, if third base would be sucking dick. Wow, this conversation is turning out way less sultry than how I wanted it to go.”

I laughed, and he pinched my back. “Ow!”

“Whatever. You should be ready for something special tonight.”

“Okay, dear,” I said, tenderly stroking his back.

 

* * *

 

“Dad, we’re home!” Amanda called out from the living room.

I left my room and my work to find Amanda and Robert in matching aviators and leather jackets, Amanda holding a box with ‘Benchmade’ emblazoned on it.

“Check out the cool shit Robert got for me!”

Amanda opened the box to show off… an intimidating black switchblade.

“What's this?” I asked, glancing at Robert with an eyebrow raised. He looked back at me with an innocent stare.

“Robert says I need to be able to defend myself whenever I go off campus, and this was the coolest knife I could find in the store!”

“Is this the store you wanted to show him?”

“Yeah! It’s like _Dead, Goth, and Beyond_ but for knives!”

I had intensely mixed feelings about Amanda possessing a knife, but… even though Robert didn't ask if he could buy her one, I think he had good intentions in mind.

“Well hopefully you won't have to use it.”

“A knife this badass will do all the defending for her,” Robert said, patting her on the shoulder.

Amanda ran off to her room with her new treasured possessions, leaving me and Robert alone.

“A knife?” I asked. “Robert, I—”

Robert's face immediately turned down in a mildly scared frown. I paused and carefully considered what to say. “If it’s any consolation, that’s one of the most highly rated self-defense—”

“I really appreciate your concern for my daughter’s safety.”

He stopped and waited for me to continue, but when I didn't, he looked dumbfounded. “That – that's it? No lecture?”

“Well…” I crossed my arms and put on a stern face. “I would rather you'd asked me for permission first, but honestly, you made her really happy, so…” I shrugged. “Just run it by me in the future.”

“Okay. I didn't think of that. I'm sorry.”

“And try not to buy her favor,” I chuckled. “That jacket, knife, and sunglasses just elevated you to ‘favorite.’ How can I compete with that?”

“Sorry,” he huffed out between laughs. “I'll take it down a notch. I just…” He paused and ducked his head, forcing me to mirror the motion to maintain eye contact. “I really want her to like me.”

“Aw, Robert,” I said. I took him by the biceps and gently rubbed up and down them. “She adores you. You wanna know what she said when I told her we're dating?”

“What?”

“She told me she's glad I found someone I can love, ‘especially someone as cool as Robert.’”

Robert's face split in a big grin and he laughed for a few moments. I wish I had a video of it. “She thinks I'm cool? Okay, I see your point.”

“What were you saying about highly rated?”

“Oh, it’s not just designed to look cool, knives are psychologically more intimidating than guns, and she deserves to feel safe in a strange city.”

My heart hurt, and I lay a hand over my chest, touched from his sentiment.

“She talked to me about how scared she is to move away, so… I did my part.”

“Robert, that’s so sweet of you…”

Robert’s face burned red and he sputtered for a moment before crossing his arms in embarrassment. “It’s the least I could do. Anyway, I have some shit to do, so I'll be back around when we have to leave for dinner.”

“Oh, alright.” I went in to curl around him and he opened his arms to let me give him a hug and kiss goodbye. “I love you, be safe.”

“I love you, too. See you soon.”

It was astonishing how three simple words could make me so happy.

 

* * *

 

Robert came back a little after six. He knocked on the door and Amanda sped out of her room.

“Hi Robert!”

“Hey, kiddo. Sorry I'm running a bit behind. You ready for some pizza?”

“Yeah!”

I wandered into the living room to see Robert in his usual attire of long red shirt that slightly peeked out the sleeves of his leather jacket. He'd already created a big cloud of e-cig vapor in the few moments he'd been inside.

“Hey there, handsome,” he said with a smile as he walked up and gave me a kiss to the cheek.

“Hey.”

“Ready?”

“For pizza? Always.”

We all walked up to Robert's truck, and I immediately noticed it'd been detailed. Not quite ‘new coat of paint’ detailed, but ‘fully cleaned’ detailed.

“You wanna sit in front?” I asked Amanda.

“Are you kidding? You'll never fit in that tiny back seat. I'll take it.”

“Uh, it's one of those sideways seats,” Robert added.

“Oh, that works.”

I climbed in back and buckled into the strange seat. Robert's truck didn't smell quite so strongly of cigarettes anymore, either. It'd been thoroughly vacuumed and cleaned by whoever did the detailing.

“What's with the stickers?” Amanda asked from the front.

“Um… Val put those there when she was a kid.” He sounded more melancholy than he had been lately, and I hoped Amanda didn't pursue it.

I wonder if he insisted the detailers leave them.

The pizza place was packed. As we walked in, the kitchen was clearly visible through a brick archway. Cooks scurried about, making all sorts of different pizzas and sliding them in and out of the brick oven with giant pizza spatulas. It smelled a bit smoky.

A waiter led us upstairs and sat us in a booth. Robert sat next to me and curled an arm around me, gently stroking my side. I worked my arm up under his jacket and held him close against me. He turned to look at me with a soft smile.

“I love you,” I whispered on impulse.

He blushed, and thumbed at my side. “I love you, too.”

“They have barbecued pork pizza?!” Amanda exclaimed. “Holy shit!”

I opened the menu to look at what they had. Everything was much more extravagant than any pizza I'd ever had before.

Robert gasped and pointed at the menu. “They have a Hawaiian pizza… and it sounds incredible. Kalua pork, red peppers, pineapple, barbecue sauce…” Robert looked me in the eyes with a deadly serious stare. “I need this pizza in my life.”

“Okay,” I chuckled. “We can get it.”

“I wasn't asking for permission, I was alerting you that there's gonna be a hula party in my mouth, later.”

Amanda laughed with glee. “Can I get a five meat Bolognese?”

“Sure.” I leaned in to whisper to Robert. “How are we paying for this?”

“Fifty-fifty split sound good?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm getting a large ultimate Hawaiian. I want leftovers, but I'm willing to share the glory with you,” Robert declared.

“Mind if I just mooch off the Hawaiian instead of get my own?” I asked. I batted my eyelids a bit for show, but Robert didn't show any hesitation.

“Of course.”

“Ugh, Emma R. wants to make up,” Amanda groaned as she glared at her phone. “What do I even say?”

“That you're leaving for college and see you later, backstabbing bitch?”

Amanda smiled, but schooled it quickly. “I don't think that would go over well.”

“Who's Emma R.?” Robert asked.

“Oh my god, okay, so…”

Amanda detailed the sordid tale over the next ten minutes. Robert's expression grew increasingly bewildered as she progressed through it until his jaw dropped at some point.

“Okay, what the fuck,” he said.

“I know! It's all stupid and moronic and I can't believe she wants to make up after all that.”

“Okay, here's what you do,” Robert started, gesturing toward Amanda with his e-cig in hand. “Agree to this meetup at the mall, but bring your dad’s cool boyfriend who could pass for a two-term federal prison convict.”

Amanda covered her face with her sleeve to stifle her laughter. “Oh my god, I think we should actually do that, just to see what she does.”

“I can be very intimidating, just by sitting there saying nothing.”

A waiter brought out our thick, deep dish pizzas on enormous metal trays that looked vaguely like textured construction floors or something. “Here's the ultimate Hawaiian, and the five meat Bolognese.” He cut the first few pieces, just to get us started, and I let Robert have the first piece, since he was effectively treating us.

When he took the first bite he moaned around it and mumbled “Oh my god.” Amanda said the same when she started her piece.

It couldn't be that good… could it?

I served myself a slice and cut some off with a fork – it was so thick I needed to eat it with a fork – and the first thing I noticed was the perfectly salted pork contrasting with the slightly sour pineapple. “Holy shit.” The barbecue sauce and red pepper accented it with a nice spiciness that lingered after the sweet and salty dispersed.

“Right? How's yours, Amanda?” Robert asked.

“This is the best pizza I've ever had,” she growled. I wasn't sure why she growled, but I'm glad she enjoyed it.

All while eating, I couldn’t help but think of what Robert had said. ‘ _You should be ready for something special tonight.’_ While he apparently meant second base, the vagueness of whatever that was left me constantly wondering what it meant, and my anticipation kept hooking my thoughts back to it. It was a little bit like when I was still a kid, trying to sleep on Christmas Eve, or waiting to open presents even though mom insisted we wait until after breakfast.

Only, my boyfriend and maybe our dicks were involved.

I was so distracted thinking about it while absentmindedly eating that before I realized what I'd done, I demolished a fourth of the pizza by myself. It wasn't a small pizza, either.

Robert cut himself off at three eighths. Amanda ate half of hers, which wasn't anywhere near as egregious since it was a small pizza.

“Wow, where'd you find this place, Robert? I think we need to come back. Every week,” Amanda said.

“I find all sorts of things wandering around town at night.”

Amanda looked happy, Robert looked happy… there really wasn't anything like a family dinner to bring people together.

The waiter brought the check out – twenty-six dollars after the fifty-fifty split. These weren't cheap pizzas. They were definitely worth it, though.

“You want some frozen yogurt?” Robert asked as he climbed in his truck.

“Ugh, I need to nurse this food baby before I even think about eating anything else,” Amanda moaned.

“A _food baby?”_ Robert asked incredulously. “I've never heard it called that.”

“What would you call it?”

Robert stayed silent as we pulled out of the parking lot. “I don't know, I guess that's a reasonable thing to call it.”

I lamented the frozen sweets as we passed the frozen yogurt shop, but I had other problems, like a tiny bit of heartburn.

 

* * *

 

“Thanks for dinner, Robert,” Amanda said. She gave him a hug, then retreated to her room where she started blaring Sad Shit.

I'd prepared for whatever Robert had in store, like he said, by trimming up everything under the belt to look tidier than usual, though I wasn't sure if that's what he meant.

In my room, he shrugged off his leather jacket, then approached me with as alluring a look as he could put on and cupped my cheeks. I laid my hands on his sides and he gazed into my eyes.

“Are you excited?” he asked.

“I am, but leaving me in the dark has been torture.”

“Did you think about what you wanna do?”

“I – did you?”

Robert gently swayed from side to side as we stood holding each other. “I had some things in mind. Like… me, on your lap, and we're naked.”

“Yeah?”

“I don't want a single inch between us,” he murmured.

“That sounds wonderful,” I said. My heart, mind, and body all ached in unison for Robert's loving touch.

“What about you?”

I went for poetic as I looked in his beautiful, chocolate brown and amber eyes. “I want to show you I love every bit of you: heart, body, and soul.”

Robert's eyebrows shot up. “Wow. I mean, uh…” He schooled his expression to something less surprised. I held back a laugh. “I want to show you I think you're beautiful with my hands and lips.”

Goodness, Robert could be a sultry romantic when he wanted to be. The only reply I could think of was to curl around him and take his lips in mine in a kiss as slow and passionate as I could muster. Robert moaned into it and I cupped the back of his head to guide him. His tongue licked mine and his lips devoured mine and I swear I could hear my heartbeat speed up.

Robert pulled away with my lower lip between his teeth and let go with a little smile. “Why don't we change into something more comfortable?”

I snuck my hand under his shirt to palm his back before grabbing the hem and slowly pulling up. He lifted his arms and I smoothly removed his shirt. As he worked mine off, I gave him a few kisses to his hairy pecs. He cupped the back of my head to bury my face in his chest hair and gently thumbed my cheek. Despite what he'd said earlier, this was starting to feel like actual foreplay.

“Maybe I should slow down a bit,” I said under my breath.

“Maybe. It's feeling a bit intense right now.”

“Sorry…”

“No apology needed,” Robert said. He smoothed a hand over my heart and held it there for a moment. “Let's just focus on feelings.”

He kissed me again and we undid each other’s pants and underwear. He held me close and breathed me in, our bodies pressed together and our foreheads resting against each other. My heart ached as I looked in his eyes. He was so beautiful and handsome, and I wanted to be his. My body wanted to be his, too, and my cock reflected this desire as a hot, heavy brand against his hip.

“Lie down on your back?” he requested.

I reluctantly pulled away and lay down on my bed, looking up at my naked boyfriend in anticipation. He gazed down at me for a moment before he crawled on the bed with me and straddled my lap. He lined up our hard dicks and I felt his balls hug mine.

I looked down at our cocks laying together and my desire for him only grew. He was so big and thick, his balls hairy and heavy against mine. It was everything I could do to not think about how much cum he probably had to share with me. My heart beat a jackrabbit pace in my chest as he laid his palms on my belly and started combing his fingers through my body hair, but that was all he did. He tenderly massaged my body, gliding his hands up and down over my midriff and chest with a boyish smile.

“Did I mention how much I love all this handsome fur on you?”

“I don't think so,” I said.

“Well,” he began. “It's really soft, and I love how dark it is. There's a lot, which is a big plus.” He paused over my heart and thumbed my pec. “Oh, someone's excited,” he teased with a cocked eyebrow.

“A little bit.”

Robert picked up one of my hands and held my palm against his pec, where I felt his heart racing under my fingers. “I've been looking forward to this for a while.”

“Kiss me, Rob,” I begged, and he leaned in to meet my lips in a tender smooch. When he parted I let out a low sigh.

“Um… you know,” he began with some trepidation. His face turned red in the dim light. “There's no reason we can't talk about the kinds of things we like doing in bed long before we actually do them.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So, uh… what do you – do you prefer to top, or…?”

“I'm very versatile,” I said honestly. “I'll do whatever, though I don't like exclusively topping or bottoming.”

“I hated bottoming for hookups, but I'm through with those,” he said. He ran a hand up to trail along my neck. “Does it make you uncomfortable when I do this?”

His touch was so soft it didn't feel threatening at all. “Not when you're that gentle.”

“Okay. I’d never give it up for a hookup, but… for you I – uh…” He stopped, and his face turned bright red. “I don't know how to put how I feel into words.”

“That's okay,” I said. I stroked one of his thighs. “You can take your time.”

While he thought, I looked down at his dick, still lying with mine. God, I wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to lick him, to suck him from head to hilt.

“For you I'd do anything,” he finally said.

“Really?” I asked in amazement.

“I don't want some random nobody inside me, but…” Robert leaned in and cupped the back of my head to give me a soft and tender kiss. He slowly pulled away to leave it lingering between us in the shared space. “For you? I’d let you take me if you wanted.”

“Jesus,” I whispered, almost breathless from his confession. I couldn't believe he was sharing this with me. I took in this beautiful man sitting on me, lovingly massaging my body and I wanted to give to him. I wanted to give and give and give until he gave me a big load of his cum for dessert. I wanted him to go down on me and do the same until I fed him my load and we were both a tired, sweaty, sated mess.

“You seem really into this,” Robert said. I looked up at him to see him staring at my cock.

“I'm – yeah. Just thinking about stuff.”

“You're a terrible liar,” he chuckled. “What are you thinking about?”

“Um… you?”

Robert raised a bushy eyebrow. “Is that a question or an answer?”

“I'm thinking of you,” I said with a hot blush.

“You into suckin’ dick?” he asked out of nowhere.

“I _love_ suckin’ dick,” I said candidly.

“Fuck yeah, me too,” Robert laughed. “That's the right attitude.”

I wasn't entirely sure what Robert hoped to gain from this. Maybe Dr. Taft told him to discuss preferences or something well in advance. As it stood it made resisting him harder.

“Can I massage you, now?” I asked.

Robert combed his fingers through my happy trail and paused with his hands on my pecs. “In a bit. I just…” He scooted back a bit, and started massaging around my lap. If I wasn't already rock hard, I probably would be now. His gentle, scarred fingers rubbed all over me and I started when he laid a palm to cover my cock and lightly rubbed my shaft. “Is this okay?” he asked.

“You just startled me, is all. It's fine.”

Robert ever so gently played with my cock, feeling it between his fingers, hefting the weight around, rolling my balls in his hand. There were a few points I thought he might go further – like when he stroked me from tip to hilt a few times – but it seemed like he strictly kept it as getting to know me. He spent a few minutes learning how I looked and felt in his hands, sometimes looking in my eyes as he played with me.

“Can I have a turn?” I asked as he cupped my nuts in his hand.

Robert smiled wide and climbed off me to lie down at my side. I sat down just like he had, making sure our junk lined up for some intimate contact. I was still achingly hard, though it wasn't like Robert wasn't either. On impulse I trailed my thumb along where our balls met, and I felt them move under me.

Robert's eager smile melted my heart and I leaned in to kiss him. He curled around me to stroke down my back, and I laid my hands on him. His warm, hairy skin under me felt wonderful.

“What do you want out of talking to your counselor about sex?” I asked as I began rubbing and massaging his belly.

“Well…” he began. “It'd be nice to not reflexively hate myself every time I cum.”

I held back a cringe. That didn't sound fun. “I would want you to feel good after we make love,” I said as I stroked his neck.

“Make love?” Robert asked.

“Yeah. Sex can be loving and tender, or playful, or a good way to bond, or intimate stress relief.” I rubbed him up and down his belly and he squirmed a bit under it. “I get the impression you haven't experienced that in a while.”

“Do you – do you want all of that, with me?” Robert asked under his breath.

I rested a palm on his hairy pec and felt his heart hammering away under my fingers. My answer mattered like nothing else I'd said tonight did. “I do, Rob. I want to have loving, tender, playful sex with you. I want you to feel how deeply I care for you when we have sex.”

His eyes looked ready to spill over as I rubbed his chest in little circles, his soft chest fur carding between my fingers.

“I know you've had a lot of problems with sex in the past, so if it takes giving it up to prove that you matter to me, then I'll do it at the drop of a hat.”

The tears ran down the sides of his face. I looked in his eyes as he cried without any noise, letting the silence between us speak volumes. I brought a hand up to his face and stroked his wet cheek and he took a shaky breath. As my words sunk in, I kept massaging him, his flat hairy belly rising and falling with his breath. He felt cuddly under my fingers, a wonderful mix of beefy, tone, and soft.

“I'm okay,” he whispered after he wiped his face clean with some tissue. I leaned in and gave him a kiss to the forehead and a light stroke along his head. “I'm just trying to wrap my head around what I did to deserve you.”

I never knew how to respond to that. Mostly I didn't feel like it'd be appropriate to tell anyone that they deserved me, or I deserved them, or something. That seemed arrogant or selfish, respectively, and my mom raised me better than that. So I left it be.

I worked my hands lower along him and rubbed his hips and happy trail. “You should go a little bit lower,” he said with a sly smile.

“Like… this?” I asked, trailing my thumbs down between his legs.

“Getting closer.”

He shivered when I ran a palm along his inner thigh after scooting back a smidge. “Here?”

“Almost.”

I leaned in to give him a soft kiss and trailed my lips down his neck until I reached his chest. It was a bit cliché, but I gave him a few kisses right over his heart and nestled my face in his furry body.

“Matt, please,” Robert whispered, stroking a hand down the back of my head with an affectionate touch. “Just touch my dick, dammit,” he said between quiet heaves of laughter.

I shifted back and lightly ran my hand over his beautiful dick lying hard against his belly, hot and heavy and begging me for attention. I cupped his hairy nuts in my palm and gently rolled them, looking in his eyes as he let out an audible huff. This was the first time I got to touch him here and I was gonna enjoy it.

With one hand I lightly massaged his balls and the base of his cock; with the other I rubbed his hairy belly as I kept eye contact. I didn't say anything as I played with him, and he didn't either, but I smiled as I stroked and slowly twisted my hand around his shaft. His lips curled up as he relaxed into my touch.

This was… easily one of the most intimate physical things I'd ever done with someone. All I was doing was playing with his dick and feeling how it filled my hand, rubbing his body with a light, tender touch. But the eye contact took it to a whole new level. Sometimes people wanted to do this sort of thing in the dark to avoid all that but this? This was something else entirely. It seemed to make him happy on some level I imagined sex couldn't, yet.

“You feeling good?” I asked lowly.

He reached for my hand and laced our fingers together without saying a word. I leaned over and kissed his belly right in the thick of his happy trail.

By now his precum had made my hand sticky, which didn't matter to me one bit. What mattered was him knowing that I thought he was a beautiful soul in a beautiful body. I half hoped he fell asleep while I massaged him.

“I can tell you're excited,” I laughed. “You made my hand a mess.”

“You made my leg a mess,” he retorted. He glared down at my lap, where I noticed I'd gotten precum in the hair on his thigh from my cock poking him.

“Sorry,” I lied with a big grin. I pulled my hand away from his lap and went in for a kiss, but he practically pounced on me, curling tight around me and holding me against his chest in a close hug. “Oh, god,” I huff out in surprise.

“It's time to cuddle,” he said insistently.

I kind of wanted to clean my hand – or his leg – but I've slept in messier conditions. Most guys I'd been with just rubbed it in afterward anyway. It was easier and a little hotter than interrupting to go get towels or something.

Robert buried his face in my neck and breathed me in as he stroked my back. Eventually he stilled. If he wanted to cuddle, I'd let him cuddle, but he went limp after a while hugging me, so I settled in to sleep on my boyfriend despite my sticky hand.

“You're so wonderful,” he slurred out of nowhere. He definitely sounded half-asleep. “Like a warm sweater on a cold day.”

I resisted the laugh that bubbled up, but he didn't say anything else. Probably better for his sake, lest he say something truly mortifying. I settled in for the night, resigning myself to not getting to brush my teeth. It was okay, though – disturbing him wasn’t worth it.

“I love you, Rob,” I whispered. He didn’t answer, but that was okay. He didn’t need to – I already knew.


	13. Chapter 13

The first thing Amanda did Wednesday morning was open a conversation with a shameless attempt to butter me up. “Hey, pops. You know I appreciate everything you do for me, right?”

I raised an eyebrow and looked away from the hash browns I was frying. “Yes?”

“And that you're the best dad in the whole world?”

“What’s your angle, Amanda?” I laughed. “Just get on with it.”

“Charlotte’s in town and wants to meet me, can I go out with her this afternoon?”

“Who's Charlotte?”

“My roommate from HIA.” She smiled wide and almost split her face. “She's awesome, Dad! She likes the same music I do and she's a photography major, too, and—”

“Bring your self-defense knife, dear,” I said, hoping I wouldn't regret it.

“Really? Fuck yeah! Night on the town and an awesome knife!” She jumped in the air triumphantly and sauntered off to her room, presumably to tell Charlotte.

After breakfast I messaged Robert to tell him the good news.

To: Robert  
Amanda won't be home tonight I think. You have any ideas for something we could do?

From: Robert  
oh cool  
well if you aren't gonna be busy  
i was thinking  
you wanna have sex tonight?

My jaw dropped and I triple-checked to make sure I hadn’t misread his messages.

To: Robert  
What? Really?

From: Robert  
yeah  
i feel good today so let's do it  
you and me  
let’s have dinner  
maybe some santana and candles and shit like that  
make it really romantic

To: Robert  
You mean like  
What kind of sex?

From: Robert  
well i like suckin dick  
you like suckin dick  
why don't we do that

I could not believe what I was reading. Just imagining it made my cock perk up, but I wanted to make it fun, and the ideas already started to fill my mind.

To: Robert  
That sounds awesome. As long as you think you're ready

From: Robert  
i’m ready for you

Those were the hottest four words I'd read in a long time.

 

* * *

 

I went to the grocery store to pick up something to make for dinner, and stood in the deli section, staring at the rows of meat. I couldn't decide on what to get; maybe something I didn't often get, or something expensive. Something special.

To: Robert  
Do you have any food allergies?

From: Robert  
hot dogs  
they make me violently ill  
not the kind of violent that makes for good summer movies though  
haven’t had a good summer movie for years

I suppressed a goofy grin in the middle of the store and ordered some cracked pepper steaks. While I wandered to the checkout, I wondered what else he might like.

To: Robert  
What should we do for dinner? I bought the main dish

From: Robert  
i’ll handle the sides and shit  
and the candles and music

To: Robert  
Your house or mine?  
What if we did it in my back yard under that nice tree?

From: Robert  
you mean  
suck each other off or

To: Robert  
No! Have dinner together. I want your dick in my mouth in the privacy of my bedroom

From: Robert  
wow that is really hot  
back yard sounds good  
as does bedroom  
i’m not into exhibition  
i hope you're ready to feel the love tonight

I spat out a laugh, making an elderly couple in line stare at me. I was really enjoying the planning and anticipation involved in this – and the flirty talk, too.

 

* * *

 

I stopped to buy a new bottle of my favorite cologne on the way home, and… wasn't sure what to do with my time. We hadn't discussed a time, and knowing that mere hours from now I'd get to show Robert I love him in a totally new way had me buzzing with excited energy that I needed to work off.

So, I did what any dad with too much energy did: I cleaned. I cleaned my room, the kitchen, the living room, and the back patio to make everything tidy. I gave my room the most attention, though; gotta make sure the main event was somewhere fresh.

“Hey Dad,” Amanda said around three. She came up to me wearing – of course – her leather jacket, with her aviators hanging from her collar. “I'm heading out, now! I'll be back late, probably.”

I put the couch cleaning spray down and wiped my brow. “Okay, kiddo. Can you let me know if you'll be out past ten?”

“I'll text you every half hour that I'm out past it.”

“Alright, have fun!”

Amanda grinned as she ran out to her car, slipping her aviators on once in the driver's seat. She tried so hard to look like Robert and almost pulled it off.

As the hour at hand drew nearer – whenever the hell it'd be – I switched gears into preparing myself. I showered and shaved so I had a nice covering of short beard everywhere, put on my cologne – an earthy pine scent – and combed my hair to look suave and slick. Robert would probably enjoy peeling something off me, so I picked out a dress shirt that'd bring out my eyes and give him something to unbutton.

Now that everything was ready, I truly had nothing to do but rehearse exactly what I wanted to do once I had Robert's beautiful cock between my lips and fingers.

My phone buzzed, breaking me from my reverie.

From: Robert  
ill swing by @ 5

That was half an hour from now. Half an hour until I got to see my handsome boyfriend and share a wonderful evening with him.

I feverishly checked every last thing. The steaks were ready, my room was clean, the back patio had everything I needed, and the weather couldn't be more perfect.

The doorbell rang, and I almost tripped over my feet on my way to the door. I took a moment to compose myself before opening the door. Robert stood on my porch in a handsome red button up and black dress pants. He had a boyish smile and potted tulips in his hands.

“Hey,” I said, feeling a little breathless at the sight of him.

“Hey. I got you this,” he said, and he handed me the potted tulips. There were red, orange, and yellow flowers standing proudly on display in a bright red pot.

“Robert, you sweetheart, these are lovely.” I beckoned him in and he followed behind me as I set them down on the coffee table.

“I was looking for bouquets and I found that. I'd rather you have something that comes back over and over.”

“Thank you.” I trailed a finger over one of the red ones – true love; red symbolizes true love – and cupped his jaw in my hands to give him a soft kiss. He tasted like oranges and smelled musky, like a lumberjack. I don't know how I knew what a lumberjack would smell like, but he smelled like one.

Robert curled around me in a hug and swayed a little bit where we stood in the living room, his face in my neck to smell me. His breath tickled a little bit. “You excited?” he asked.

“Unbelievably. You?”

“I had trouble waiting to come over at a reasonable time.”

I pulled away and held him by the biceps to get a good look at him. He'd carefully groomed his beard and his hair looked so soft and fluffy I had to resist combing my fingers through it. His lovely brown and amber eyes looked in mine as he smiled, and my heart melted in my chest.

“You look great, tonight,” he said. He trailed a finger down my neck and into my open shirt to tease my chest hair a bit.

“You look gorgeous, all the time,” I said with a big smile.

“Pft, trying to one up me, huh?”

The last thing I saw before Robert dove in for another kiss was his cheeks turning red. He held me close with his big hands splayed out against my back as he sucked on my tongue. I clung to him and pressed deeper to give him a bit more and he moaned into it before drawing away.

“Shit, we should get dinner started. I'm starving.”

“Okay,” I laughed. “We have time for kissing later.”

Robert picked up a bag behind him that I once again didn't notice – I was beginning to wonder if I wasn't very perceptive or if he was just good at hiding things – and took a few glass containers of food out in the kitchen. “I made a Caesar salad and brought some stuff to make drinks.”

“Everything’s outside already, and the grill’s hot.”

On the patio and in front of the sweltering hot grill, I ripped open the steak package and Robert looked over my shoulder at it. “Steak? Damn.”

“I may not be as good a grill master as Brian, but I try. Is well done okay? I figure you'd appreciate it after the Great Polish Dog Incident of 2017.”

“Well done sounds great. I'll be right back,” Robert said. He took the bag inside with him.

It was already shaping up to be a wonderful evening. The birds were chirping, the sun was starting to hang lower in the sky, painting it beautiful colors, and there was a light breeze cooling the air.

Robert came back right as I flipped the steaks and he started on making the drinks. I watched him pour bright yellow juice in some fancy, flared glasses.

“What's that?”

“You'll see.”

My curiosity almost overpowered my attention on the steaks, but I pulled through. With steak and salad on our plates and fancy glasses in hand, Robert and I sat down on the bench under the tree, looking at the pond full of reeds and lily pads. I stared at the drink as I chewed some spicy steak. Robert had made something that transitioned from yellow at the top, to reddish pink at the narrow bottom of the glass. A pineapple spear stuck out of the top.

“To you,” I said, offering my glass in a toast.

“No, not this time.” Robert held his up with a smile. “To us.”

I clinked my glass against his and we downed our drinks. It was definitely pineapple. The sweet red syrup at the bottom brought the drink together into a fruity, tangy taste.

The steak tasted amazing, Robert's salad was crisp and crunchy, and I kept looking between him, the sunlit sky, and the blooming plants everywhere. I couldn't believe this was my life: sitting in a beautiful garden, eating a steak dinner with my handsome boyfriend. I felt at peace.

Robert finished eating before me and set his plate at his side, then scooted closer and curled an arm around my shoulders. He was big and warm and molded to my side. I looked at him as I chewed, seeing his tender smile. When I finished, I offered my arm, too, and stroked his shoulder as I looked in his eyes.

“I love you with all of my heart, Matt,” Robert murmured, and I almost broke right there. “You've given me so much to live for.”

I held back tears and stroked his back, our faces inches away. “I love you to pieces, Rob,” I whispered.

“I haven't felt as good as you make me feel in a long, long time.”

I closed the gap to kiss him, his lips soft and a bit wet, tasting like sweet pineapple and tender love. He gave me a few repeat pecks on the lips and held my free hand in his.

“You make me feel like every day fighting my bad habits is worth it.”

The dam broke, and a few tears fell down my cheeks. Robert reached up and wiped them away with a thumb.

“I want to be a good man for you. As good as you are to me. I want to make you happy.”

I broke eye contact to wipe my face with a sleeve. Robert rubbed my back and my thigh as I sniffed. “You do make me happy,” I said between quiet gasps. “Every moment I spend with you makes me happy, whether it’s camping, or going out on a date, or just sitting in silence together. Seeing you turn your life around makes me so happy, makes me so proud of you. You're a beautiful soul, Robert. I hope you can see that.”

A few tears slid down Robert's face, too, and we sat in silence, holding each other and looking in each other's eyes. There wasn't any more to say in the moment. So, I held him, and I gently stroked him, and I hoped that everything I did for him made him feel loved and wanted, and showed him how much I cared.

Despite how sometimes it was a little tiring to help him through his breakdowns or his cravings, my life felt better for having him in it, for having him as my boyfriend. As my heart overflowed with love I had to resist crying more.

“I think maybe I ruined the mood,” Robert laughed. He took an e-cig out of his breast pocket and flicked it on.

“You wanted romantic. No better way to be romantic than to make me bawl from sharing feelings.”

“I guess so,” he said with a smile.

I heard rustling leaves from Mat’s yard, and when I looked toward the fence I saw him hold a thumb up over the top. I resisted the impulse to yell at him to go away or shoot back a thumb up he couldn't see.

Robert puffed a big cloud of vapor out and looked back at me, a bit seeping out his nose. I thought of how Amanda used to draw dragons, and I cracked a smile. “What?”

“The smoke coming out of your nose makes you look like a dragon.”

“Pft, you're weird,” Robert said, but he let his next inhale of vapor come out his nose in a slow trail of smoke with a goofy smile.

I wiped my face off with my sleeve. “Do I look like a mess?”

“You look great, babe,” Robert said.

“‘Babe?’” I asked incredulously.

“Yeah. Babe.”

I wasn't sure what to say to that. The scenery was so nice that I kind of wanted to stay outside for a while, but I also really wanted Robert's dick. Whatever was a man to do? He seemed to want to stay outside, though, because once he put away his e-cig, he held me close again, his head pillowed on my shoulder.

“I'm trying not to rush right to sex,” Robert murmured.

I burst out with a laugh and laid my head against his. “Me too.”

“Is it weird to want this to be really special?”

“It's special to me,” I said, rubbing his shoulder. “It's special to me because it's you.”

“We could… watch a movie.”

“We could play a game.”

“We could play a water-drinking game with said movie,” Robert offered.

While that sounded fun – and we apparently both took a moment to think about it in dead silence – sucking him off sounded more fun. “I'm okay with moving onto sex if you are.”

Robert gave me a kiss and stroked my cheek. “Let's clean up, then go get dirty.”

We cleaned everything up in record time, but when we finished, Robert stopped me. “I'm gonna go get everything ready, stay here.”

I sat on the living room couch and twiddled my thumbs, having to readjust my pants to keep my boner as comfortable as possible. I stared at the newspaper to will it down a bit. The cover had something on the upcoming mayoral election. The Dow Jones was up again. The local sports team lost, again.

Robert walked out and stood with his hands on his hips and an eager smile. “Okay, it's all ready.”

I strode across the room and he took my hands in his to walk me into my dim room, where I saw a dozen candles in various places, the light scent of vanilla filling the air. Robert’s phone sat on the nightstand, playing Santana at a low volume. I recognized it as the album he played for me months ago.

I shut the door behind me and took in the environment, Robert standing in front of me with a big grin. “You old romantic,” I said as Robert let me approach him.

“You wouldn't have it any other way.”

I cupped his cheeks and kissed him sweetly. “You can still back out,” I said. I thought he'd appreciate the noncommitment if he had second thoughts.

“Matt. I had a great day, I had a romantic dinner, I feel wonderful… I'm ready,” he said, his eyes locked with mine. “I'm ready for you.”

I dove in for a deeper kiss, a more impassioned kiss that took Robert by surprise. I felt his knees buckle when I wrapped around him, plastering him against me. I had to back off and compose myself lest I bite his lip too hard or something. “Ahem… Robert, dear. If I have to keep my clothes on any longer I’m going to go crazy.”

I smoothed my hands over Robert's chest and felt his heart pounding hard before undoing the first few buttons on his shirt. His breath came in heavy waves as I buried my face in his chest hair and gently kissed his broad body. He worked my shirt open and slowly peeled it off me, taking his time slipping it off me one arm at a time.

I paused to look in his eyes and ghost my hands over his chest. The passion and desire were palpable in every inch of his expression, from the light lip bite to his dilated eyes to how his gaze darted between my body and my face.

“Matt,” he whispered, then closed the gap to give me a deep kiss, licking my tongue with a quiet moan.

I worked my hands down his back and into his pants, lightly grabbing his butt. He jumped at the contact, but held us chest to chest as I massaged his glutes.

“My pants,” Robert said. I withdrew my hands and worked on his belt and buttons until his slacks hit the floor with a jingle of the belt buckle. He got mine undone in no time and they pulled my underwear down with them, exposing my hard dick to him.

Already it felt warmer in my room, the candles casting warm light on Robert's handsome, hairy body. I slid his boxers down his legs, my eyes locked with his. He stared in quiet contemplation as I freed his manhood.

I had to kiss him. I had to, and I did – tenderly and slowly with every inch of me pressed against him. Robert kissed my cheek and trailed his hands up my back as he sucked hickeys into my shoulders and neck. “Sit down?” I asked. He backed up and sat on the end of my bed, his legs splayed open to give me a good view of him. “Can I – a pillow, can I get one?” I said, pantomiming pawing for one.

Robert stifled a laugh and handed me a pillow to put under my knees – joint pain was no joke – and I knelt between his legs with my hands on his thighs. His lovely, hairy thighs.

Robert laid a hand on my back and ran it in circles. I smoothed my hands up and down his calves, combing my fingers through the soft hair all over him, and met his gaze in the dim light.

“I love you, Robert,” I said, looking up in his dark eyes as I rubbed his thighs.

He stared for a moment, his hand lingering on my shoulder and his thumb rubbing my clavicle. “I – I believe you,” he choked out. It wasn't what I expected, but it still hit me hard; he finally understood.

I looked down at his cock – his big, beautiful, rock-hard cock – and braced my weight on his thighs to go in and give a wet lick to the hilt, my tongue hugging him close. He tasted wonderful, and I spent a few moments just licking him along the hilt and his ball sack. I glanced up as I kissed the side of his hot, heavy dick to see him looking down at me, worrying his lip in his teeth.

I wanted to lavish and tease him with attention, so I curled my fingers around his balls and eagerly kissed all over his length, mouthing at the side of the crown and licking him. He shuddered and let out a breath from pursed lips.

“Good so far?” I asked.

“Great so far,” he panted.

I switched to licking and sucking the other side, getting every inch of him wet, then I buried my nose in the fur around him to smell him while I sucked on his hairy nuts. He was absolutely right: the masculine sexual experience – at least to me – really depended on him being hairy.

Robert lightly rubbed my back while I worked on him and took one of my hands in his. I gripped him tight and didn't let go.

It was time. I let off and looked up at him, at my beautiful boyfriend, and curled my free hand around the base of his dick, my thumb and index making a ring. There was a big bead of precum trailing down the head and he quietly gasped when I lapped it up. His hand on my shoulder shuddered in anticipation and I guided the tip between my lips and sucked him, my tongue along the underside.

Robert sighed and his thighs quivered as I slowly took his veiny cock deeper in my mouth. He tasted warm and slightly salty, and he filled my mouth as I went deeper before drawing off. I closed my eyes and indulged in how his cock felt on my tongue as I bobbed my head on him, hollowing my cheeks to give him a little bit more pleasure.

I let off his cock, sucking the tip to make it pop. “Robert Big,” I said as I stroked his spit-slick dick.

“What?”

“Robert Small,” I answered, gesturing to him with a hand. “Robert Big,” I added, pointing at his cock.

“Oh my god,” he groaned.

I grinned and dove in again, going up and down his gorgeous manhood and licking all over him, working my tongue in the slit and my lips hugging the crown.

“I love you,” he whispered, almost inaudible over Santana as I sucked so deep my lips kissed the hilt of his cock and his sack hugged my chin. It was perfect. He kept massaging my back with his free hand in a tender show of affection and started rubbing my head, too. I held every inch of him between my lips and slowly worked my tongue over him. His breath came in heavy waves and he huffed out, “Oh god…”

I couldn't wait for him to cum, but I really wanted it to last, too. I didn't pull off him, but I moved my hand to cup and massage his balls, still a bit wet from me sucking on them.

“Please, Matt,” he murmured. He shivered and stroked a shuddering hand down my neck. “I'm so close.”

I gradually drew off him to not push him over the edge, leaving a kiss on the tip, and I looked him in the eyes. “You wanna see your load, or you want to cum in my mouth?”

“I wanna cum in your mouth,” he said with a stutter.

I took his cock in again and worked him from the tip to the base, licking him and sucking precum out, thumbing his hand in a tight grip. He throbbed on my tongue, and I pushed deep, getting as much thick, wet cock in my mouth as I could as the telltale rhythmic throbs kept going.

“Oh Matt,” he moaned. His hand holding mine shuddered hard and I looked up to see him gazing down, mouth wide open in pure bliss. His sack drew up in my hand and he emptied his balls between my lips, every throb shooting warm, salty cum on my tongue to fill my mouth. I hollowed my cheeks and slowly bobbed my head as he pumped his big load for me, wringing out as much thick jizz as I could until I swallowed him down for dessert and sucked his long manhood clean.

His expression was incredible, his jaw open and his eyes half-lidded as he heaved out breaths. “That was amazing.”

I grinned and palmed his legs again. “You feel good?”

“Uh huh,” he slurred. He patted his chest, where his heart was. “Right – right here.”

I curled my fingers around his cock and sucked for a few more moments, just to give him a little bit more pleasure.

“Dad, have you seen my—” The door loudly flung open and Amanda shrieked in horror before running away, her shoes stomping down the hall.

I yanked myself off Robert and stared at my open bedroom door in aghast horror, my blood running cold, but my face searing hot. “Oh my god… did she…?”

Robert stared at the open door in mortification, looking white as a sheet. “I think she saw everything.”

I wanted to leave town and never come back, were it not for financial obligations to the daughter I’d just mentally scarred. “I – I locked the door. Didn't I?”

Robert slowly shook his head, his eyes wide in realization.

“What is she doing here? I thought she was out for the night! Oh god, what do I do?” I buried my face in my hands in despair and to hide myself from Robert.

Robert laid a hand on my shoulder. “I have no idea. Maybe… go talk to her?”

“About what? Can I even talk to her after eating your cum?”

He shrugged. “Uh… maybe don’t say it like that… What if you explained what we were doing, or maybe why?”

I loudly sighed and pulled my underwear and a bathrobe on. “God, what a mess.” I crept down the hall to knock on Amanda's door. “Amanda? Can I talk to you?”

“Go away!” she yelled, muffled through the door.

“I was just – honey, you know when two men love each other, they – that's just another way I show Robert I love him.”

“I know what sex is, Dad! I just – why didn't you lock the door?!”

“I'm – I thought I did. I'm sorry. I'll go.”

My face felt hotter than an oven as I retreated to my room, utterly defeated. I flopped onto the bed and Robert closed the door, properly locking it this time. “That could have gone better,” he said, sitting down next to me, still totally naked. “She'll get over it.”

“Ugh.”

After a few moments of sitting in silence, I heard Amanda leave her room and stomp out the front door again.

Robert worked his hand into the bathrobe and combed his fingers through my belly hair. “It'll be okay,” he said.

“Yeah… I know. Ruined the mood, though.”

“I dunno,” he started. “I'm gonna be dreaming of that blowjob for a while.”

I laughed with a blush and Robert snuck his hand lower to play with the fur around my cock.

“You're really good at sucking dick,” he said.

“I, uh…” I sheepishly ducked my head. “I wanted to make love to you with my mouth.” I glanced up to see Robert staring at me with wide eyes in surprise. “What?”

His expression slowly changed to a sly grin, and his fingers wrapped around my cock to give me a stroke. He leaned in and gave me a tender kiss, curling his other hand around the back of my head to guide me into it. Robert kept kissing and stroking me until I was achingly hard again, then he slipped the bathrobe off me and knelt between my knees. He made a show of slowly stripping my underwear again until my cock sprang free.

“Rob,” I breathed out, laying a hand on his shoulder. His lips were inches away from my manhood and all I wanted was for him to swallow me down.

Instead of going for my shaft, he leaned in and kissed my belly, getting me all wet from licking and kissing to the point that it tickled a bit. He hugged me as much as he could, his hairy arms curled around my low back as he nuzzled my happy trail and licked down to my lap. My heart hammered away, and I gently petted him and stroked his head.

Robert had a devious smile as he kissed my thighs before he lifted my cock out of the way to kiss and lick my ball sack. His tongue felt incredible and he—

I jumped a bit when he sucked my nuts deep, his warm and wet mouth feeling like heaven as he licked my balls.

“Robert, god, that feels so good,” I whispered.

He pulled off and lapped at the side of my dick, his warm, dark brown eyes looking up at me as I watched him lavish my dick with little licks and kisses.

I resisted a shiver and stroked his back, never stopping every show of appreciation I could give him. He licked the head of my cock, getting glistening precum on his tongue and he wrung my shaft from the base to the end, squeezing every drop out.

“Rob, please. Make love to me,” I quietly begged. He paused for a moment of contemplation before he opened up and drew my cock in his mouth. The sweet, warm wetness engulfing my shaft almost made me shudder as he slowly sucked up and down from end to hilt, his tongue laving everywhere he could reach. The shudders overcame me, and I heaved out a pleasured breath as he bobbed his head.

I watched him suck my cock for a few moments and stroked his head, gently scratching as he swallowed around me. I wasn't gonna last long – already I felt on the verge of throbbing hard and emptying myself down his throat.

“I'm gonna cum soon,” I huffed out. Robert pulled off and sweetly kissed the tip of my dick, then rubbed my belly some more and licked my thighs.

“You want me to make love to you? I'll make love to you,” he said. He nuzzled and kissed my legs and belly, his hands roaming over my back and sides as he explored every inch of me. Every few moments he went in to kiss or lick part of my hard dick again. I noticed the album playing had stopped, leaving us in silence, but Robert seemed too into kissing my cock to care.

He dove in again and sucked every inch of me until I felt the crown of my cock in the back of his throat. I felt weak in the knees from the unbridled pleasure coursing through me, from seeing this handsome, scruffy man lovingly sucking me off.

“I'm – I'm gonna cum, Rob,” I said, and he slowly bobbed his head up and down my length, his hand cupping my nuts. I looked in his eyes and stroked the back of his head when the pulsing began.

Pleasure overwhelmed me as I throbbed hard between his lips, feeling the first jet of cum shoot in his mouth. He massaged my balls with his fingers and my cock with his tongue as I pumped rope after rope of cum down his throat. He swallowed over and over to fill his belly until my cumshot tapered off.

“Oh god,” I heaved out. Robert sucked my cock for a few more minutes, swallowing all my leftover cum and licking me until I went soft. I leaned in and sweetly kissed his forehead and stroked his cheek. “That was incredible,” I whispered. My beautiful boyfriend cradled me in one arm and pushed me down with the other, laying me on my back. Then he kissed my tummy, my dick rubbing against his thick neck as he lavished my body with kisses.

My heart ached in my chest as I watched him tenderly kiss me. I couldn't believe how sweet it was, couldn't say anything as words failed me. My eyes felt a bit wet as I thought of how much love he was sharing with me in showing my body such intimate attention.

“You okay?” he laughed as he rubbed my belly with his hands. “You're more speechless than I was.”

“Just… coming down from the high,” I murmured. “Realizing how lucky I am.”

“Yeah?” Robert asked.

“You're such a beautiful soul,” I slurred, stroking his head with a hand. “You make me so happy.”

Robert climbed on the bed to lie down on me. I gratefully curled around him and held tight, my face buried in his neck. How many times could I say I love him in one day before it was too many?

“Stay with me, Robert,” I said. “I want – I want you to feel loved.” I felt a curious wetness on my pec, where Robert's face was. I craned my neck to look at him and rubbed his back. “Are you okay?”

“I'm great,” he sniffed. “I just… haven't felt good after sex for so long.”

I hugged him tighter and kept softly stroking.

“I always felt dirty after, but… I feel so good, deep in my heart.”

It was already warm in my room, but I wrapped us up in a blanket. It was more about cocooning him in love than temperature. I kept rubbing his back, and he held me until my drowsiness overcame me and I passed out.

 

* * *

 

I woke up alone in the morning. Had he left, gone home? It stung at first, but then I heard sizzling from down the hall, through my open door. Amanda never cooked, always opting for something simple to eat, so it had to be Robert.

I needed to brush my teeth and the scent of vanilla was a bit too strong. Also, I felt a bit sticky. If Robert was doing what I thought he was doing, though, then I figured it was okay to settle in again and daydream of how much cum we fed each other.

I had a big, dumb smile when I heard him walking toward my room. He entered wearing my bathrobe, holding two plates of food.

“Hey there, handsome,” he said as he sat down next to me. He set down a plate of sausage, eggs, and toast – the breakfast of champions – and stroked my bare back with a warm hand.

“What time is it?”

Robert tapped his phone on the nightstand. “Almost nine.”

I stretched and looked in his eyes. “Almost nine, huh?”

“We can still make it to yoga if you eat now and we shower together,” he said with a wink.

“That sounds perfect.”

Robert lay a hand on my chest and gently rubbed as I ate sitting up. He had a soft, lovesick smile the whole time until he drew away to eat, too. It made me so happy to see him feeling so good after last night. It could have ended badly; I wondered if it had been an emotional battle for him.

“We need to take the fastest shower ever if we don't wanna be late,” Robert said.

“I'm okay with being late. When did you become Mister Punctual?” I asked as I got up off the bed.

Robert led me to the bathroom, hand in hand. “Since I had to stay on schedule for a counselor. Besides, they lock the door after five minutes. Come on.”

I started the water and Robert stripped my bathrobe off. He caged me against the wall and started making out with me, moaning loud as he sucked on my tongue and stroked my bare back. “It is so fucking hot knowing how much cum you shot down my throat last night,” he heaved out.

“Robert, please,” I murmured, my cock hardening in record time and my hands holding him against me. “Do you want to go to yoga or not?”

“I – I do,” he said, his expression falling. “I just wanted you to know, I guess?”

“There's plenty of time to eat each other’s jizz later,” I said, taking him by the biceps – his beefy biceps – and guiding him under the water that cascaded down his body once he was in place.

I stepped in with him and lathered up every inch of his chest and tummy, getting his crotch nice and clean, too. He shampooed my hair as I stroked his cock and scrubbed between his legs. After we rinsed, we swapped so I shampooed his hair as he took a bit too much pleasure soaping up my body.

I hurried a little more than I wanted to – I didn’t like taking my phone in the bathroom when I showered, lest steam rust its innards or something like that. As I resisted the urge to go check the time I reminded myself that missing yoga wouldn’t be horrible.

“I'll be right back, I just have to make sure Betsy is okay and get my yoga stuff,” Robert said, hooking his thumb over his shoulder to point toward the front door’s general whereabouts.

“Okay, hurry!”

I gathered my yoga things and saw Robert run past my bedroom window toward his house as I dressed. I laughed and slipped on my sandals, my yoga mat slung over my shoulder. My phone said it was nine thirty.

A few minutes later, Robert came back, panting and a bit sweaty in his yoga clothes. “Okay, I'm ready to go.” He bent over and a coughing fit hit him.

“You need some water?” I asked, patting his back.

“I'm fine,” he choked out. “Just had a cough for a few weeks. It doesn't hit often.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Isn't that usually contagious? I feel fine.”

Robert shrugged. “I guess not.”

We twined hands together and started toward the gym. We didn't get far before we were stopped by Damien wearing… glasses and business casual? He was on his way out of his house and stopped us as we passed.

“Oh, good mor—” he started, before noting our linked hands. “Oh, how lovely!” he exclaimed, clasping his hands together in an admiring pose.

“Huh?”

“Are you dating? Oh, do say yes.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, puffing his chest out. “We've been going out for a few weeks.”

Damien's grin was dazzling. “That's wonderful! You make a very handsome pair. I simply must congratulate the both of you.”

“Thanks, Damien,” I said with a blushing smile.

“I'm sorry to leave so abruptly, but I must be off to work. I wish you the best, have a good day, gentlemen!”

I waved goodbye to Damien as he started walking down the sidewalk toward… I don't know where.

Robert held my hand the whole way to the gym, not even letting go when we stepped into the classroom. I noted a few of the moms pointing at us and gossiping under their breath. Maybe they were jealous, they’d ogled him on several occasions before.

When class began, whenever I caught a glimpse of Robert, he looked positively serene, moving with a confidence I hadn't seen, and a surprising grace and fluidity. When it came time for the Savasana, I slipped into a peaceful trance.

It ended too early, and I glanced over at Robert to see him still on his back, looking almost asleep. He finally cracked his eyes open as everyone else clambered past each other and into the hallway.

“That good?” I asked.

“I haven't felt so good in a long time,” Robert said. He took my hand again as we walked out of the gym. “How about you?”

“You know, I think I'm starting to understand the relaxation portion. It felt good, today. Really peaceful.”

“I'm telling you, man, it's great.”

When we got home, Robert stopped on my porch.

“You going?” I asked.

“Yeah. I got things I need to do.”

I gave Robert a smile and he returned it in kind. “Okay.” I closed the gap and we hugged each other for a few moments.

“I love you, Matt,” Robert said as he stroked and patted my back.

“I love you, too. Be safe.”

Robert kissed me and smiled when he drew away. He lingered, his hands on my biceps, our eyes locked.

“You're a beautiful soul, too,” Robert said quietly. “Giving, and kind, and… things I don't know how to put into words.”

“Thank you,” I murmured.

Robert sighed and slowly let go, finger by finger until he started walking to his house backward. “I'll see you soon,” he said.

I waved until he disappeared into his house, and sat down on my couch in a pleasant afterglow. Could you get afterglow from going to yoga with your boyfriend?

Wait, I still had to talk to Amanda about what she saw.


	14. Chapter 14

Robert's house was growing to be a second home to me. It was only two houses away from mine, and I didn't spend nearly as much time there with him as he spent at my house, but waking up tangled in bed with him, having breakfast together, going to yoga…

There wasn't anything objectively exciting about it, but it all made me feel twenty years younger inside. Sharing our homes felt really special. Even sitting there in our underwear, eating cereal with him. It was a nice feeling.

Though, if Betsy nibbled my leg one more time I might scream.

Robert played with his phone on the table with one hand. I caught a glimpse of the date on it – Monday, August seventh. It was hard to believe it was so far into summer already – or so soon to Amanda leaving.

Whenever I thought about it, it put a damper on whatever I'd been doing. I couldn't focus on work, finish cleaning, or pay as much attention to cooking as one ought to – stovetop fires are nothing to joke about.

“Hey,” Robert started. I glanced up from my almond cereal to look him in the eyes. “What's got you looking down?”

I rubbed sleep from my eyes and braced my forehead on a palm. “It just hit me how soon Amanda's leaving for college.”

“The… sixteenth?” Robert asked.

“Yeah… it's coming up soon.”

Robert furrowed his brow and his eyes wandered a bit. “That's… nine days.”

I sighed and pushed the cereal bowl away, my appetite gone.

“Uh… well…” he started. “Amanda isn't leaving _forever,_ or anything. We’ll still see her for holidays or maybe on weekends.”

_We’ll still see her._

“Yeah,” I huffed out. “We've been through a lot together.”

Robert looked in my eyes and I knew he understood. I could only imagine how much worse he felt when Val moved to college. Your daughter leaving without looking back, then losing your wife… The abject loneliness must have been crushing. No wonder he drank himself into a stupor every night.

“What's on your mind? You keep looking at me with that sad stare.”

“I was just… thinking about how you must have felt.” I diverted my gaze away from Robert's concerned expression. “I guess I have no reason to complain.”

“That's not true,” Robert said, and my eyes snapped up to meet his. “It doesn't matter how much better or worse I had it. If it hurts, it hurts, but it'll be okay.” He reached for my hand and I gratefully took it.

“Where'd you learn that line?” I playfully asked, breaking his worried frown.

“Someone really special to me.” He grinned and winked. “But I'm not going anywhere. You won't be lonely.”

I let out a weary sigh and stroked his hand. “Yeah… I won't be. It means a lot to hear that, Rob.” It didn't matter whether we were bound by marriage or not, Robert felt like family to me, now. “Speaking of lonely, how have you been?”

Robert released my hand and took a bite of his toast. “I went to the gym with Craig like you suggested.”

“Yeah?”

“The treadmill turned me into a wheezing mess.”

I nodded sagely. “Sounds right.”

“Lifting weights made everything burn.”

“Also sounds right.”

Robert scrunched his nose in disgust. “That protein shake he gave me was horrible, too.”

“What?!” I exclaimed. “It tasted amazing! Well… for a protein shake, I guess.”

“Wasn't to my taste, I guess. It was a bit chalky.”

“It was kind of chalky.”

“We're gonna go again, though. He told me he had a good baseline for my capabilities now, or something like that.”

“How about…” I wondered who else he might like spending time with. Joseph was out. He seemed to feel neutral about Hugo. Brian he liked, but… “…Mary?”

Robert looked away from me, seeming sheepish. “I still haven't really talked to her.”

“Oh god, Rob, hasn't it been like, a month?”

Robert cringed. “Maybe?”

“You gotta talk to her, man. She's your best friend.”

“I know, I know! I just…” Robert buried his face in his hands. “I don't know what to say… she's gonna ask why I've been so distant.”

“How much have you told her?”

“I told her that I'm trying to quit drinking, and… I need to stay away from my old haunts.”

“Rob, please, now is not the time for ghost jokes.”

Robert laughed, a smile breaking through. “Shut the fuck up,” he said between laughs, before breaking into a coughing fit.

“You need some water?”

“Yeah,” he rasped. I brought him a glass and he carefully sipped. “Let me think. I also told her – had to tell her – that you're a good influence.” I remembered walking in on the tail end of that. “I haven't really talked to her since then.”

“Oh god,” I murmured. If I had to go a month without talking to Amanda or Robert, I'd go crazy.

“I know, I'm terrible…”

“Would it help if I went with you?”

Robert hacked for a moment and drank some more. “Would you really do that?” he said with a wheeze and eyes squinted in pain.

“Why wouldn't I? Are you sure you're okay?”

“I'll be fine. I don't know, Matt. You do so much for me already.”

“Robert. Honey.” I took his hand and lifted it up for a kiss. “I _love_ you. Of course, I'd do that for you.”

Robert sighed; his sadness made his eyes a bit less dazzling. “I just feel guilty because I don't feel like I do enough for you to… make us even, I guess?”

“I'm a man of simple wants. You’re one of them.”

Robert blushed fiercely and hid his smile with a hand. “Well, you have me.”

“Why don't we invite her out to lunch or something? That's innocuous enough.”

“Okay.”

After we decided on a time and place, Robert texted her to form plans. “Tomorrow… at… twelve,” he said as he typed it in.

“Alright.”

 

* * *

 

“Robert,” I said sternly.

“What?”

He had a new cartridge for his e-cig in hand. “You've been smoking constantly all day.”

“I'm nervous,” he said. “Smoking calms you down.” He leaned in and whispered to me. “It took all my willpower not to go get a smoke after you sucked me off last week.”

I blushed and crossed my arms with a scowl. “Someone might hear you,” I warned.

“I thought you'd appreciate knowing how into it I was.”

“It's not that I don't, just… tell me later.”

We were sitting in a booth at a lunch café Robert found online, impatiently awaiting Mary’s arrival. Robert put the cartridge away and folded his hands on the table. I could still see how nervous he was if I looked carefully, like how his hands shook, or how he craned his neck around the edge of the booth every few moments on the lookout for her.

“Rob, please, it'll be fine.”

Robert wiped beads of sweat from his forehead. He shouldn't have worn leather in here if a T shirt and shorts felt too hot for me. “I just – why did I have to avoid her for so long…?”

“It's not the end of the world,” I said. It was a little exhausting, going in circles about this. “Whatever happens, I'm right here.” I reached for his hand and stroked it, looking in his eyes with as much love and compassion as I could muster.

“Hey sailor,” Mary said, startling us. “Haven't seen you in a while.” She sat down next to me and bumped her hips into mine to make me scoot over. “What's the good word? Or bad word.”

“Hey,” Robert said, going for cool.

“Where the hell you been?” she asked. I cringed; poor Robert probably had a dozen different responses to that, none of which he liked.

“You know, busy.”

“Busy with him, I see.” She tilted her head in my direction. “I didn't miss you holding hands when I walked in. So, when did that happen?”

“Uh… a few weeks ago,” I said.

“Almost a month.” _July fourteenth,_ he mouthed to me, holding up four fingers. Should I do something for our first month of dating?

“Well shit, I'll drink to that.” She scoured the table for a menu, then the chalkboards with today's specials. “Where's the booze menu?”

“Uh, they don't serve any here,” Robert said.

Mary rolled her eyes. “That's no fun. I haven't had a drink since nine after Crish cried for an hour. Fine, I'll drink _lemonade_ to that, or something.”

_Sugar could help alcohol cravings._ I wondered if Mary was aware of her drinking problem. Or if she thought it was a problem.

“Hey, waiter!” she yelled.

My face burned a bit as a waitress with a messy ponytail approached. “Good afternoon,” she said, sounding a little exasperated. “What can I do for you?”

“I'll take a lemonade.” Mary turned to Robert and me. “You?”

“Coke,” Robert said.

“Coke for me, too.”

The waitress wrote everything down. “I'll be back to take your order in just a moment.”

“Nice place,” Mary said. “I hate it.”

“What? Why?” I asked. “We've barely been here ten minutes.”

“No booze,” she scowled.

“That's kind of why I picked it,” Robert said. “I _am_ trying to quit.”

“You did quit,” I added.

“Oh yeah? How's that going?”

“I'm two and a half…?” Robert asked, looking at me to jump in. I nodded after a moment of thought. “Two and a half months sober.”

“Wow, I can't even go a few hours without drinking. But if you lived with Joseph, you'd see why.”

The waitress brought our drinks. Robert and I ordered the house cheeseburgers and Mary ordered a BLT with daily soup.

“You seem really unhappy with him,” I said.

“Pft, a rattlesnake would be more affectionate than him.” Mary downed some of her lemonade and glared at no one.

“I'll… be right back,” Robert said. He excused himself and walked toward the bathroom.

“Mary, do you know about…?” I murmured.

“What, that he and my husband fucked?”

I recoiled a bit, taken aback. “I – well, when you put it so bluntly…”

“Of course I know. I know everything.”

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I slowly worked it out of my jeans while maintaining eye contact with Mary.

“My husband – my cheating, lying son-of-a-bitch husband – led Robert on for months and dumped him after they fucked.” She took another drink of her lemonade, and spoke under her breath. “Why do you think I'm so openly hostile to him?”

“Uh… I don't mean any disrespect by this, but… why stay with him if he cheated and you're so unhappy?”

Mary cackled like I'd told a hilarious story. I glanced at my phone to see what I’d received.

From: Robert  
i can't do this  
i'm so nervous  
she’s gonna hate me

“You have no idea how much worse my life would be if I got divorced, do you?”

“N-no, I don't.”

I typed to Robert with my phone under the table. I hoped it read _‘I'll help you, please don't give up.’_

“Let me enlighten you. First of all, I haven't held a job for almost a decade because I've been busy being a ‘homemaker,’” she said, with air quotes and disdain. “So, getting a job will be hell, thus finding a place for myself will be hell.”

My phone buzzed again, and I glanced down at it.

From: Robert  
I don't want her to hate me

Oh god… I had to get him out here again.

“Second of all, women constantly come out the loser in divorce, even though custody would probably default to me. As much as it seems like I don't, I love my kids but raising children is _expensive as hell_ and no employer cares.”

To: Robert  
Please come out and talk to her. I'll be here every moment.  
I promise.

“Lastly,” she started, though she lowered her voice and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Joseph has a bulletproof reputation. He manipulated and lied to Robert and me both throughout his entire affair, but we’re the only people who'd believe it. Everyone else thinks he's picture perfect.”

“Mary… please don't take this the wrong way.” I took a deep breath and hoped Robert never found out I asked this. “Why are you still friends with Robert?”

“Joseph lured him in with friendship and support when Rob was most vulnerable, and took advantage of him until the guilt was too much. How is that his fault? You don't end years of friendship over someone being used.”

I felt horribly sick for Robert, both for his past heartbreaks and for how he felt so guilty over Mary right now.

“It's not like I came to that conclusion instantly either. It took about a week of angrily yelling at Joseph and avoiding Robert before I realized he wasn't really at fault.” Mary looked up and toward where Robert had gone. “Ah, slinking back I see.”

As Robert sat down, the waitress brought our orders out and refilled our water.

Mary took a big bite of her BLT, the toasted bread audibly crunching as she chewed. “So, Rob.”

Robert froze, his lips inches away from the first bite of his burger.

“Why'd you _really_ invite me out to lunch? Why not just hang out at a bar at ten at night like we always do?”

“Well, you know… I'm trying to quit drinking, and temptation can be a real bitch.”

“Rob, please. What's wrong with a drink now and then? This isn't like you—”

_“No,”_ he interrupted with a stern gaze and hard tone. “I don't… want to just live between bottles of whiskey anymore. It was ruining me. I have other things to give my life meaning now.”

Mary scoffed, then took another big bite of her sandwich. My hunger had vanished, and I couldn't eat any of my burger.

“What does that mean?” Robert asked.

“What?”

“That sound. The one you just made.”

Mary patted her face with the napkin – an unusually couth display from her, were it not for her forearms draped on the table – and rolled her eyes. “I just think you're taking the whole thing a bit too seriously. Just cut back a bit. Let's go out tonight, it'll be fine.”

Robert looked like he was coming undone at the seams, sweat beading on his forehead and his eyes darting in mild panic. This wasn't how I wanted this to go; surely it wasn't how he did.

“Mary, he doesn't want to,” I said, cutting in.

She turned and glared at me. “He can answer for himself. So, old pal,” she started, meeting his eyes again. “You wanna go get some drinks tonight?”

“I – god, _yes,_ I do,” he groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I do, _I do,_ but I _can't.”_ He pulled his hands away and leaned back in the seat, looking utterly hopeless. “I can't, Mary.”

“Mary, please just listen to him,” I pleaded.

“Are you why he hasn't been hanging out with me?” she asked, turning an accusing stare my way.

“I haven't been hanging out with you because I – I need some…” Robert said, tapering off, struggling to formulate the words.

I needed to help, but I wasn't sure how, or what I'd say if I were in his shoes. “I think… what Robert’s trying to say is he… needs to avoid…” I offered, gesturing for him to pick up with a nod.

Robert nodded, too. “I… need to avoid… people who… enable my bad habits, so I stop destroying myself.”

Mary's eyes shot wide open like Robert had slapped her. “Excuse me?”

_Oh god, not like that._

The customers nearby, who previously were boisterous and merry, were now staring at us, and I really wished we hadn't done this over lunch.

“Is that all I am to you?” Mary angrily yelled. “An enabler of your bad habits? After everything we've been through together?”

Robert visibly shrunk into the cushions of the booth, shielding himself with his palms. “That isn't what I mean—”

“After Marilyn, after _Joseph?”_

“But I just—”

“Fuck you, Robert.” She hastily stood up, then looked down at the table. She grabbed her glass of water and tossed it in Robert's face. He gasped in shock as it totally soaked him, then Mary stormed out without another word.

I stared at Robert, aghast in disbelief. The only sound in the restaurant was the ceiling fan creaking and water dripping off Robert's horrified face onto the table. I leaned over with my napkin to pat him dry, but he ripped it out of my hands after a few moments.

“Fucking… can't believe this,” he muttered.

“I don't know what to say… maybe we can—”

“This is your fault,” Robert growled. My heart stopped as I watched his sopping wet face turn into a hateful glare. “I can't believe you'd tell me to say that! Never should have agreed to this,” he said under his breath as he picked up his things in a fury.

“But – Robert, I was only—”

“I don't wanna hear it,” he hissed as he stood out of the booth, his food untouched and my heart in pieces. “Can't fucking believe it. There goes one of my oldest friendships because of you.”

I couldn't watch him barge out of the restaurant like that. There were people who saw everything. I was so mortified… I felt ice cold and horrifically nauseous. Was he gonna break up with me because of this?

I couldn't think of anything except how I should have said anything other than what I did, suggested literally anything else. All I wanted was a nice lunch with Mary and Robert and for her to finally get it, for her to support him through this instead of making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Sir…?” a waitress hesitantly asked. “Are you all right?”

I sighed and covered my face in humiliation. “No… can I get a check and some boxes?”

She came back in record time with the food and check. I paid for all three of us – finances could wait – and stepped outside to find that Robert's truck was gone.

“Oh… fucking hell,” I growled. “I should have driven us.”

I did the only thing I could – I called my daughter. She picked up after a few rings. _“Hey Dad, what's up?”_

“Amanda, dear. Are you busy? I need a pickup, downtown.”

_“Uhh… yeah, I think I can leave this Internet argument alone for a bit.”_

“Thanks, honey.”

I found a bench and did what I could to make myself comfortable. While waiting, my aching sadness turned to frustration over being left behind.

Robert had been doing so well. He'd been doing so well! He was a totally different person from when I met him, but this was an enormous setback. How could he do this? How could he be so _insensitive?_ The more I thought about it, the more it festered into an angry heat in me and my face cemented into a scowl.

Amanda showed up almost fifteen minutes later. I clambered in, careful with the food boxes, and buckled up. “Hey,” I said. “Thanks for this. Robert… had an emergency to deal with.”

“No problemo, pops. Uh… what kind of emergency forces him to leave you downtown alone?”

I couldn't think of any plausible explanation. “He couldn't say.”

We were only a few minutes away from home when my phone began furiously vibrating against my leg. I dug it out of my pocket to see what it was.

From: Robert  
oh god  
where did you go  
I'm sorry  
i came back for you but you aren't here  
I shouldn't have left without you  
Im so sorry

To: Robert  
Amanda picked me up. We're almost home.

_Incoming call: Robert_

I sighed and answered. “Hello?”

_“I'm so sorry,”_ Robert sobbed over the line. _“Matt, I'm so sorry. I'm such an asshole.”_ He audibly sniffed and gasped between phrases.

“Robert—”

_“Please don't hate me,”_ he begged. _“I fucked up, I fucked up bad, I know I did.”_

“Can we talk about this when I get home?” I asked. I glanced at Amanda, hoping she couldn’t hear him.

Robert took a shaky breath. _“Okay.”_

“I'll see you soon.”

Robert hung up and I kneaded the bridge of my nose. I had a feeling this would really test my patience.

When we pulled into the driveway, I just sat there in Amanda’s car instead of getting out. She turned to scrutinize me for a few moments. “Dad,” she said. “What's going on?”

“Jesus…” I muttered. “Okay. Hold on. Remember your story about Emma R. and Noah?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“Uh… actually, it’s nothing like that, nevermind. Robert didn’t… actually have an emergency.” I unlocked my phone to my conversation with him. I glanced over it absentmindedly as I spoke. “Robert and I met with Mary to explain to her why he's been avoiding her, since she enabled and even encouraged his alcoholism. It didn't go well.”

Amanda's expression fell. “Oh no.”

“I gave Robert a bad lead-in and he explained it poorly, and Mary tossed water in his face and left.”

“What? No way. They only do that on TV.”

“I wish I were making this up. Robert was really mad at me for it and I'm not surprised – I probably would have been, too – because he thinks I ruined his oldest friendship, so he left without me in a rage.”

“What the fuck,” she exclaimed.

“It gets better.” I showed her the texts Robert sent me. “He called me while we were driving and kept apologizing, and now I'm gonna go talk to him about it.”

“Are you sure? That's kind of fucked up.”

“Yeah. I'm sure. He's sorry for what he did, which is more than can be said for a lot of men.” I looked her in the eyes and, as serious as I could, said, “Don't ever date someone who won't accept responsibility for their mistakes. You run far away from them, okay?”

Amanda's eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I – okay, Dad.”

“I love him, Amanda. I love him, and I went into this knowing he was depressed and potentially unstable and that there would be setbacks. I just didn't expect this. At all.”

“It'll be okay, pops,” Amanda said, giving me an encouraging smile. “You've got a great way with words.”

“Is that why I baked you an apology cake and pie instead of using words?” I asked, raising an eyebrow intently.

“And what a cake and pie they were.”

“I just have to… set aside my anger and be supportive.”

“You don't have to throw away your anger just because he's depressed,” Amanda said.

“But I do have to be careful about how I explain it.”

Amanda's expression turned down. “Jeez… well. Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Once in the house, I put away the food containers and sat down on the couch, watching for Robert to come home. There were a few ways I could approach this, and I didn’t like any of them. I pondered my options until I saw Robert's truck pull into the cul de sac.

I gave him – both of us – a few minutes to mentally prepare. It wasn't every day you had to talk about a fight like this one.

When anxiety started turning into guilt, I took his burger out of the fridge, took a deep breath, stepped outside, and reluctantly marched over to Robert's house. My trepidation felt totally alien, in stark contrast to how eager to see him I usually was. I knocked on the door after a few moments of standing there dumbly, and he didn’t answer. When I looked in the window, I saw Robert sitting on the couch in the living room, head in his hands, so I turned the doorknob and it swung open.

Robert looked up from where he sat, staring at me in the foyer, until I shut the door behind me and slowly approached.

“Hey,” I said.

Robert looked like a mess. His face was damp all over and his eyes red from crying. My heart hurt seeing it, but I held onto my anger, more as a teaching point rather than a point of pride. He stood and walked over, his arms held open for a hug, and I set his burger down on the bar and mirrored the pose to let him wrap around me for a tight hug.

“I'm sorry,” he wheezed, his face buried in my shoulder. “I'm sorry I left you.”

“I know, Rob,” I said, rubbing his back. “I know. We're gonna talk about this, okay?”

“Okay.”

He held on tight, sniffling every few moments, and I let myself relish holding my boyfriend close. When he released me, I let him guide me to the couch, where we sat together, his hands clasped tightly around one of mine.

“Um… so… why don't you tell me what you think?”

Robert took a shaky breath and a new line of tears fell down his cheeks. “I'm sorry I left you behind at the restaurant. I blamed you for ruining my friendship with Mary,” he rasped, his voice so shaky it broke my heart. Were he not holding my hand in a death grip, I'd pet him on the back. Robert continued, in as carefully measured tone as he could accomplish, given his mood. “It was stupid, insensitive, and rude, and you deserve far better than that after everything you've done for me.”

That's… basically everything I would have hoped he'd get out of it. “Okay.”

“I'm deeply sorry for hurting you,” Robert said, the tears still coming. “I will never do something like that again. I will never leave you like that again.”

“Thank you.”

Seeing him fall apart melted my indignation, but… it might come back later if we didn't finish this now. “I’m sorry I gave you a bad lead-in.” I wiped some sweat from my brow and looked him in the eyes. “I didn’t… think it’d go that way. It seemed like you were having trouble coming up with the right words, and I gave you the wrong ones.”

Robert closed his eyes and let out an exhausted sigh.

“I don't know what you're going through right now, but I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry you're in pain.”

“Thank you,” he rasped. He brought my hand to his lips to kiss the back. “Please don't hate me,” he said, letting out a quiet gasp. He tightened his grip on my hand and shuddered, resisting a sobbing fit.

“Robert, look at me.” He opened his eyes again and locked them with mine. “I don't hate you. I promise. I was, uh… I was worried you'd want to break up over this.”

“It came to mind, but,” he started. He kept resisting a despaired frown as he spoke. “I remembered what Dr. Taft said, not to make big decisions when I'm angry, and then I…”

“Yeah?”

“When I thought about what I really wanted, I just wanted to fix it, so I came back to get you, because I realized I was being an asshole. I just…” Robert had to let go of me and wipe his face off with some tissue. “I know I made you angry, but I don't want to break up with you.”

“Oh, honey,” I started, stroking down his back. “My anger is only temporary, but the love I feel for you, deep in my heart isn’t. I promise we're not breaking up. I just want to talk about this.”

“Okay,” he said under his breath. He stayed quiet for a few moments, and I let my words sink in. “Tell me why you're angry? I know why, but I just want you to get to speak your piece.”

I let out a heavy sigh and looked at Betsy on her little doggy bed, her big eyes watching me. “I'm angry that you left me behind, and… I think it's a little unfair to put all the blame on me for ruining your friendship with Mary. She wasn't exactly very… accommodating, don't you think?”

“Not… really,” Robert murmured. “I don't like that she kept… um. Minimizing my desire to quit drinking.”

“I'm unhappy about it. I just don't really believe it’s irreparable. Do you?” I met Robert's eyes, but he didn’t say anything. “Maybe I can go over and talk to her.”

“I've already inconvenienced you enough, today,” Robert said. “I don't want to again.”

“I don't know… do you really want to have to go through Joseph?”

“Doesn't matter. She doesn't tell him anything, he won't have any idea. Just let me do this, okay? I'll tell him to go to hell or something like I always do.”

Robert looked so dead set on it I couldn't bear to take it away from him. “Okay.” We sat in silence for a few moments, letting the familiar intimacy of it wash over us.

“You're right, though. It's really unfair to put all the blame on you. I don't actually think it's your fault. I'm sorry.”

“Thank you. Um… I think what might be good for both of us is some space for the rest of the day, let us think about this.”

“I'll… talk to Dr. Taft tomorrow.”

“That sounds good. I'm a little worried that your mood whiplashed like that, but… that's for him to handle.” Now that we'd finished talking, I let all the pain and emotions bubble to the surface and a few tears fell down my cheeks. “I'm sorry all this happened,” I said.

“It'll be okay,” Robert said. “God… I feel like I need a drink.”

“You're stronger than that,” I said lowly, patting his back.

“I'm not gonna give in. In fact…” He dug in his pocket and handed me his car keys. “Just… keep this for now.”

I gaped at the keys in my hand, but if he wanted this… there probably wasn't much I could do to convince him. “It's okay to be angry about this. I'm just – I'm trying to help, and I fucked it up, and I'm sorry.”

“I think… maybe we can fix it.” He stood up and ushered me to the front door.

“I love you, Robert,” I said. “I’m unhappy with all of this right now, but I love you. Don't forget that.”

Robert gawked like he'd never thought it was even possible to say something like that. After a few moments of staring he finally responded. “I love you, too, Matt. I'm still kind of angry, but I love you.”

I cupped his cheeks and gave him as soft and loving a kiss I could, and he hugged me tight before letting me outside.

Today was already feeling agonizingly long.

 

* * *

 

What was it about actively giving someone space that made you want to go right to them and be with them? Saying the day felt long was an understatement. When I got home, I cleaned for a while before that failed to fully distract me.

“Hey Dad,” Amanda said as I sat on the couch half-watching TV. “How'd talking to Robert go?”

“I think it went well. I got to say everything I wanted, I hope he got to say everything he wanted. We both said we're sorry, and now we're just giving each other space to process it all.”

“How's your, uh… relationship?”

“We aren't breaking up, just taking time apart to think.”

Amanda stared at me, her hands on her hips.

“What?”

“You're conflicted.”

“I just – yeah, I am. Not very conflicted, but still.”

Amanda sat down on the armchair. “What is it?”

I laid my head back to rest on the couch and look at the plain ceiling. “A small part of me regrets agreeing to date him so soon.”

“How come?”

“Robert needs a lot of support. Medication and counseling are doing a lot of good, but…”

“Was he really angry or something, or…?”

I shook my head. “No, he was just really sad. He hated that he did something so impulsive, and he was afraid I'd leave him, so he kept apologizing.”

Amanda kicked her feet back and forth, scrutinizing me with a narrowed gaze. “So, you'd rather have him be really angry at you instead of sad?”

“No, no, I – I'd rather have him sad, because at least he can listen to reason.”

“Right.”

“Should I feel bad that I think that…?” I sighed and draped an arm over my eyes. “He's improving, though, and I guess I'm focusing too much on this one major slip. This doesn't mean he's unstable, it just means he's human.”

“Remember how upset I was about Emma R. and Noah?”

“Yeah.”

“Robert’s fine. Just do what you can for him.”

I sat up and glared at Amanda. “Why are _you_ the one giving me relationship advice?”

Amanda shrugged and smiled.

I took out my phone and opened my texts. Robert's panicked texts were the last thing there. On impulse I sent him something more positive to displace them.

To: Robert  
Don't forget that I love you

A few minutes later, I got a response.

From: Robert  
don't forget that I love you too

I bit my lip to stave off tears and turned my attention back to the TV. I just needed to give it some time.

 

* * *

 

Wednesday afternoon, I was in the middle of helping a customer file a stolen delivery claim when the doorbell rang. I hurried to the front door to see who it was, only to find Mary waiting for me on the porch.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi Mary.”

“You busy?”

“Gimme a sec, helping a customer.”

When I came back, Mary was on the couch, with her legs crossed and her hands clasped together.

“What's up?” I asked as I took a seat across from her.

“Robert visited me about an hour ago.”

“Oh yeah?” I held my breath.

“I think I owe you an apology,” she muttered with a guilty frown.

“Wait, really?”

“We talked for a while and he explained what he really wanted to get across. He's much more eloquent when he _isn't_ talking about his feelings.”

“Aren't we all?” I asked with a smile.

Mary cracked a smirk. “Yeah. So anyway, I'm sorry I made such a scene yesterday. I've been… upset at the prospect of losing my drinking buddy.”

“I'm sorry it didn't—”

“Don't apologize to me for anything, Matt,” Mary said, waving me off. “I'm a big girl, I can admit my mistakes. It's fine, we made up. We're gonna go get mocktails tomorrow night.”

“That's good to hear, Mary. You matter to him, a lot.”

“Fuck off,” Mary said with a chuckle. “Don't drag that touchy feely crap over here, too. Also, Robert told Joseph to eat dog shit, so that was a plus.”

I let out a burst of laughter that bordered on cackling. “Oh my god… how did that go?”

“He didn't say anything. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.” Mary dug a long wallet out of her pocket. “I also brought you this,” she said, pulling out a crisp twenty-dollar bill. “For the bill we left you with.”

“Oh, thank—”

_“Don’t_ thank me,” she warned, though she had a playful smirk. “This is rightfully yours.”

I leaned over to take the cash from her.

“Now, we're square. I'll see ya later.”

Mary got up off the couch and straightened out her dress. She was halfway out the door by the time I could say “Keep it sleazy.”

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out to see some messages on Dadbook.

From: Robert  
you wanna come over tonight  
i can order pizza or something  
maybe watch a movie  
fuck i just want to be with you

Well, that was candid.

To: Robert  
Name the time and I'll be there.

From: Robert  
right now?

To: Robert  
be right there.

 

* * *

 

‘Be right there’ ended up a little under twenty minutes as I dealt with work, explained what was up to Amanda, and tied up a few other odds and ends.

I knocked on Robert's door and he let me in, though he pulled me into a hug right away. I laid a kiss on his neck and he kept me in his grasp as he breathed me in.

“Hey,” he said into my shoulder.

“I missed you.”

“Me too.”

We sat down on the couch and Robert faced me. I was happy to just be there with him, but—

“Are you feeling okay?”

—apparently, he wanted to talk.

“Yeah. I feel a lot better after getting some space. You?”

He looked me in the eyes, a sadness on his face that I hated seeing. “I'm not angry anymore. I just want to say again that I'll never do something like that, ever. It was an incredibly shitty thing to do to you, and I'll always regret it.”

I stroked a hand down Robert's neck, and he diverted his gaze. “You don't have to regret it forever. Just learn from it.”

He scooted closer and curled an arm around my side. I took his free hand between mine and lightly stroked the back as I leaned into him, and he held me for a while, our foreheads together. It was nice to just quietly hold him after such a dramatic day yesterday.

“You know that I forgive you, right?” I asked. “Don't know if that was obvious.”

I heard Robert hold back a whimper. “I – it's good to know. I wasn't sure.”

“I'm sorry you went through that, yesterday.”

“Me too.”

We traded soft kisses for a few minutes, then Robert paused to look in my eyes. “How about that movie?” he asked.

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

Robert showed me two of his favorite movies, and he ordered a large Hawaiian for us to split. The second movie ran long, going well past eight o’clock. Part of me wanted to watch another, part of me wanted to spend some time together naked rather than cuddling on the couch.

“You wanna head to bed?” I asked.

Robert was on top of me, his face on my pec, as I stroked his back. “To sleep? It's kind of early.”

“I mean to spend a different kind of time together.”

Robert stayed silent for a moment. “Okay.”

We got up and prepared for bed together, side by side in his bathroom, then closed the door to his room behind us so Betsy wouldn't disturb us.

I gently kissed him, and we wordlessly stripped each other nude. I laid my hands on his sides and looked deep in his eyes, his arms over my shoulders. “How're you feeling?”

Robert looked fatigued more than anything. He'd smoked a lot while I was over, and I remembered him saying smoking calms you down. He didn't seem to care about the few coughing fits some of his deep inhales caused.

“I'm tired, Matt,” he murmured, his eyes looking dim from his sad expression. “I just want us to be okay.”

“Tell me why you don't think we're okay.”

Robert moved a bit closer and curled his arms around me, standing so close I felt his cock against mine.

“Well… I thought about breaking up, and…”

I felt like the temperature dropped ten degrees. “Did – did you want to?”

Robert's eyes opened wide in mild panic. “No! I just – I mean from before. And if _I_ thought about it… I'm a little worried about what you're thinking.”

“I don't have any intention or desire to break up with you, Robert.”

“Oh. Oh. Okay.” He let out a sigh of relief.

“Whether we stay together is in your hands. You've been improving, and getting your life together. You're learning to love yourself. Just stay on this path and you have nothing to worry about.” I stroked up and down his sides and he shivered under my gentle touch. “I think we're okay.”

“Okay. I feel a lot better, now that we've talked about it.”

I waited through a few moments of silence before saying, “I want to spend some time appreciating you.”

“What's that look like?” he asked.

“Like this,” I said. I ducked to kiss below the hollow of his throat and laid smooches along his clavicle.

“Oh,” Robert said with a smile.

“Pillow for my knee?”

Robert reluctantly tore himself away from me to hand me one. I dropped it on the floor, but went back to kissing his scarred chest. I carded my fingers through the soft fur coating his pecs as I sweetly kissed his body, one hand on him and the other cradling him from behind. I think he liked being licked across his sternum; he brought a hand up to cup the back of my head and guide me around him.

I lowered to my knees as I kissed him and rubbed my face against his hairy tummy. I had to hook my chin over his hard cock, but I hugged him and let my head ride every breath he took. Robert was a beautiful man and a beautiful soul, and all I wanted was for him to feel it in his heart.

I turned to kiss his happy trail and moved to leave kisses along his sides and his love handles. Robert stroked his hands along mine or down my shoulders as I mouthed at his hip.

“Are you gonna blow me?” he asked.

I looked at his ramrod straight cock and big balls full of cum hanging down and took in the sight for a few moments. There was a very slight jump of his shaft every time his heart beat. I wasn’t really feeling it, and he didn’t sound like he wanted it, either. “Do you think you'll feel good after?”

“I don't know.”

I lay a hand on his tummy. “I'd rather spend this time healing each other.”

“Me too.”

I buried my face in his furry belly and breathed him in. He shuddered when I trailed a hand up his butt. I wanted to feel his belly fur between my fingers, so I stroked through his happy trail, watching the soft brown hair move under my hand.

“You're so nice and hairy,” I murmured. I glanced up and gave him a smile, then kissed him below his belly button with our eyes locked. He looked like he was about ready to cry. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he breathed out. “I just don't really feel like saying I love you is enough, sometimes.”

“I'm in love with you, Robert,” I said lowly, my heart warming in my chest. “I want you to feel like you deserve to be wanted for who you are.”

Robert shut his eyes with a shaky sigh and a few tears dripped onto my shoulders. He quickly wiped his eyes dry with the back of his hand. “You make me so happy,” he whispered.

I rose to my feet, my bad knee popping in protest, and I cupped Robert's jaw. “We're gonna be just fine, Robert. I promise.”

“I am exhausted,” he murmured. I stroked a thumb over his bearded jaw and he leaned into me for support. “I'm not really sure I have it in me to repay you.”

“It's okay,” I said, dragging my hands up and down his back in long strokes.

“It isn't, though. I should give back to you, not pass out because I'm depressed.”

“It's okay,” I repeated. “It's okay. If you really wanna repay me… let me sleep curled around you.”

“We do that a lot, though.”

“And it never isn't special.”

Robert stared through me drowsily. I guided him to lie down on the bed and sprawled out on top of him with my head on his pecs, his soft chest hair tickling my face. He laid an arm on me and I wrapped around him as he cocooned us in blankets.

“You mean the world to me,” he said.

“We're gonna be just fine,” I said lowly, my boyfriend’s warm body lulling me into a tranquil state.

“We'll be fine,” Robert whispered, the last thing he said before we fell asleep. I think he was saying it more to himself than to me.


	15. Chapter 15

Of all things I had dreaded the most in my life, one had finally arrived: moving day. Amanda had carefully packed and repacked everything the first-year student guide suggested, along with a box full of her clothing and miscellany.

“Toothbrush?”

“Yes.”

“Socks?”

“Ten pairs, Dad.”

“Shoes?”

“Two pairs.”

“Pants?”

“Dad! I've checked everything, _three times!”_ Amanda exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “It's fine! We can go!”

Robert gently grabbed my shoulder and whispered in my ear from behind me. “You gotta let her go, man.”

I sighed as Amanda carried a plastic crate full of stuff outside. “I know. By god, I know.”

“It'll be okay.”

At this point that had basically become our motto.

Once everything was securely packed in the trunk, Amanda and I took the front seats in my car, Robert in back. Robert wasn't convinced his truck would make the trip, and figured it'd be better to show up in something a bit less decrepit (his words).

Though trips like this in silence were par for the course between Robert and I, all I wanted Amanda to do was chatter on about anything before I'd have to call her to do so.

We stopped for honest-to-god drive-in burgers for lunch.

“I wish the food would get here quicker,” Amanda said. “I wanna get to college already!”

“Come on, Amanda, relax. It's about the journey, rather than the destination,” Robert supplied from the back. “You'll remember stopping at a drive-in with your dad and his boyfriend on your way to college, years from now, and smile.”

I looked back at Robert in the rear-view mirror. His eyes met mine and I nodded solemnly.

“Yeah… yeah,” she said, maybe with a bit of awe. “I've never been to one of these.”

I watched a waitress on rollerblades skate to and fro between the kitchen and other cars. It was fascinating to watch. Soon she approached and hooked a tray onto Amanda’s open window.

“Here you are, sugar,” she said sweetly as she set down our bags of food. “Five burgers and two fries with a strawberry milkshake.”

“Hey.” Robert tapped Amanda's shoulder. “Can I try the milkshake?”

“Sure.”

“I remember coming to a place like this with my mom, once,” I said before tearing into a burger. “All the ladies skated around just like this. Literally nothing has changed.”

“Was the food better?” Robert asked around a mouthful. “It tastes a little cheap.”

“Nope! Exactly like this. It's like I'm eight again, only with knee pain and taxes.”

Robert heartily laughed, and I looked over my shoulder to see his smile.

After we finished eating I picked up my phone as I waited for the receipt and wrote out a text.

To: Robert  
I don't want to leave. The sooner we leave, the sooner I have to say goodbye to her.

Robert perked up when his phone beeped. I watched his brow furrow in the rearview mirror as he stared at the screen.

From: Robert  
you have to let her go matt  
if you love it set it free

I snorted, grabbing Amanda's attention. “What's so funny?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing.”

 

* * *

 

The campus was an absolute disaster zone. Kids everywhere, most of them barely out of high school and some in their twenties, meandered about as they and their families carted their belongings into the dorms. Robert and I each took a plastic crate, and Amanda took the box of her clothes.

“What floor are you on?”

“The fifth floor.”

“Great,” I gritted out. The elevators were packed, and I didn't want to bother trying to fight our way in. I slowly climbed the stairs, only half able to see where I was going because of the box blocking the view of my feet.

“My back is killing me,” Robert heaved out.

“My knee is ready to give out.”

“You two are so old, jeez,” Amanda said with a few laughs.

“We know. _Believe me._ Some day your knees or elbows or whatever will hurt all the time.”

When we (finally) reached the fifth floor, Amanda directed us to her room. The door was already open, and inside stood a teenage girl draped in black and pink gothic clothes Lucien would probably like.

“—I found that in the first few minutes. … Don't worry, I got my door pass, too. … Dad, please.”

I couldn't tell who she was talking to until she turned around and I saw that her long, black hair had obscured a cellphone she had pressed to her ear.

“Dad—Amanda!” She gave an enormous grin and ran over to hug Amanda with one arm. “I gotta go, Amanda's here. Love you, bye.” She pocketed her phone in one of the layers of her black skirt. “I thought you'd be here much later.”

“Dad insisted we leave early. Speaking of, these are my parents, and this is Charlotte,” Amanda said.

My heart hurt; she called Robert one of her parents.

“Nice to meet you,” Charlotte said, holding out a hand for me to shake after I set Amanda's box down.

“Good to meet you, I'm Matt.”

“Robert.” He held out his hand and she shook it, too.

“Kind of awkward that the first thing I heard about you was Amanda yelling that she walked in on you two.”

Amanda let out a groan of disgust and my face ignited. “That—uh, it—” I stuttered.

“Why'd you have to remind me of that?” Amanda wailed with a grimace.

“And me,” Robert muttered. He ducked his head and shielded his eyes with a hand, the other on his hip.

“You need any help unpacking?” The room looked bare aside for an L-shaped bunk bed with a desk built in underneath, another desk and chair, a bookcase, and a wardrobe near the windows. What must be Charlotte’s boxes were stashed in a corner.

“I'll be fine, Dad.”

“You sure? We won't be here forever.”

I turned to look at Robert, who furrowed his brow. _You have to let her go,_ he mouthed.

“Yeah, we're gonna unpack and decorate together.”

“Don't worry Matt, we got it,” Charlotte said.

“Well, I – okay. If you're sure.”

Amanda came up and gave me a tight hug. “Thanks for driving me up here,” she said. She let go and hugged Robert, too. He looked at me as he curled around her with a joy in his eyes that I didn't often see.

“Call me if you need anything,” I said.

“I will!”

“Or if you just want to talk.”

“I will,” Amanda chuckled.

“Or if—”

“I will, don't worry.”

With nothing left to say or do without awkwardly lingering, Robert wrapped an arm around my shoulder and guided me to the door. “Have fun and be safe,” he said.

“Bye!”

He kept holding me as we walked through throngs of teens and their varyingly doting parents. I didn't say anything, too afraid that I'd break down if I did. I was leaving my daughter behind.

When we sat down in the car, I sighed and just stared at the dashboard listlessly.

“Matt?”

I grunted.

“You want me to drive?”

“Uh… sure.”

We traded seats and Robert started the drive back home.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked.

I looked at my boyfriend as we pulled onto the freeway. My heart was a horrible mix of loneliness, longing, and heartache, like this was the last time I'd see Amanda even though I knew it wasn't.

“I don't know what to say.”

Robert took my hand in his and held tight. “It's okay to not know what to say.”

“I should be excited for her. I mean, I _am,_ but…”

“You aren't alone, Matt.”

“I know. She just – she's been there my entire life and now she won't be.” I sighed as it weighed heavier on my heart.

Robert let go to turn the radio on low and found some classic rock, then held my hand again. After a few minutes of driving in silence, he spoke up. “Did you hear her refer to us as her parents?”

I turned toward him and smiled. “Yeah. Does that mean you're part of the family, now?”

“I suppose it does.”

“Like, reverse adoption or something.”

Robert laughed, and I looked at his bright smile. “Yeah, like that.”

I had to remind myself the entire drive home that Amanda going to HIA was something all of us wanted. It wouldn't be easy to adjust to her being gone, but I could do it. I _had_ to, but I could.

 

* * *

 

When we got back home, I sat in the car, not having the energy to do anything else. Robert tapped me on the shoulder and I glanced at him. He leaned forward, putting his weight on the steering wheel.

“Come on, you can’t sit here all day,” he said. He cocked his head toward the house.

“Bet I can.”

“Bet you’ll only last ten minutes before you get bored.”

I sighed and unbuckled the seatbelt, then opened the door and swung my legs out in one fluid motion that made my hip hurt. I let Robert in, then I stood dumbly in the living room.

The house already felt lifeless. Just down the hall, between the kitchen and my room, sat Amanda’s empty bedroom. It would remain empty for years to come.

Robert stepped up behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay,” he said.

“I know you’re right, but… what do I do now?”

“You start the rest of your life.” I turned around to look in Robert’s eyes. He looked as tired as I felt. “You let go, and you keep doing what gives your life meaning. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

“I guess so.”

I stared toward the hallway, feeling more tired than I had in years. I wouldn't hear anything from Amanda’s room for a very long time, and the silence already felt oppressive and cloying. Every time I realized some new facet of life would be without my daughter, my chest constricted, and I had to hold back the cold ache.

“Matt.” I turned to look at him, but he guided me to sit down on the couch, and took my hands, locking his lovely eyes with mine. “I love you dearly. I know you’re in pain, and I wish I knew what to say to make it all better.”

“I…”

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” he murmured, his low and smooth voice so soothing. He released my hands and curled around me, and I buried my face in his neck. “It’ll be okay.”

I held back a sob and held tight as he stroked down my back, his loving touch doing so much to ground me.

“Can we just… watch a movie or something?” I asked, choking it out as I resisted the tears that threatened to spill.

“We can do whatever you want.”

I picked out a movie on TV and Robert guided me to lay on him on the couch. He held my head against his chest, and the quiet of the drama and my boyfriend’s body lulled me into a half sleep.

It’ll be okay, if I gave it time.

 

* * *

 

Friday afternoon, Robert sent me a rapid-fire series of texts that snared my attention away from the poor customer who was _so_ distraught over getting the wrong color blender.

From: Robert  
hey Matt  
wyd tonight  
remember that seafood place?

To: Robert  
The one with that delicious salmon?

From: Robert  
yeah  
dinner tonight?

To: Robert  
Sounds like you and me have a date with a salmon platter

From: Robert  
fuck yeah  
pick you up @ 7?  
wear semiformal

I put the thawing chicken back in the freezer and picked out clothes. A blue dress shirt and black tie rarely went wrong. When I came back to my desk I realized I'd left behind the customer, who'd left a few scathing comments in my lengthy absence.

Well, at least I didn't have to listen to them whine about getting brushed steel instead of black. I'd probably hear about this from a supervisor, later…

 

* * *

 

At seven o’clock sharp, Robert looked into my living room window and waved to me where I sat on the armchair. I hopped to my feet – making my knee pop in the process, I really needed to stop doing that – and eagerly opened the door for him.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.” Robert looked devilishly handsome in a pressed crimson button-up and a black tie. I cupped his cheeks and gave him a soft kiss. “Oh, hello,” he grinned. “Ready?”

“For the time of my life.”

Robert drove us to the seafood bar and told the waitress at the front about his reservation. Another waiter led us in and seated us next to a wall of granite with water cascading down it.

“Wow, this is a beautiful fountain,” I said in amazement. The entire slab must have cost a small fortune. I turned back to Robert to see him absentmindedly patting his chest.

“Yeah, it is.”

It was dark enough by now this time of year that candles had to be lit, not that I minded. It added to the intimate atmosphere. If I didn't carefully look at other patrons, I couldn't really make out their faces from the shadows cast by the flames. On top of that, tonight they had a pianist and trumpet duet playing something quiet and a little jazzy.

While I looked over the menu, I tangled my legs with Robert's under the table. I started a bit at the sudden touch of something on my calf before I realized it was just Robert's hand. He stroked gently up and down my leg and lightly scratched.

“What are you thinking of getting?” Robert asked.

“The seafood fettuccine sounds divine.”

“I'm getting the Dungeness crab fettuccine.”

My jaw dropped. “That can't be cheap.”

Robert shrugged. “It isn't. Doesn't matter. When you get old is when you're supposed to treat yourself, right?”

“Something like that.”

A waiter brought us a basket of mixed breads. We ordered our meals and I watched Robert pat his chest again before laying a napkin on his lap.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked.

Robert glanced up with a furrowed brow. “Huh?”

“You keep—” I mimicked his patting movement. “Is it that cough or something?”

“Oh. Yeah. Just a little short of breath sometimes from it. I'll see a doctor soon.”

“Okay. Good to know you have that planned.”

Something was up. I was sure of it. Aside from patting his chest a lot, Robert's hands had a very slight tremor to them. When he looked at me, his smile didn't quite reach as far as it usually did. I'd learned a long time ago if he wanted me to know, he'd tell me himself. Until then I'd just hold our legs together or look in his eyes with a smile and just enjoy the time together.

When the waiter finally came by with our plates, I was so excited I had to take a moment to breathe. He set two bowls of pasta down in front of us, though mine had shrimp and such in it while Robert's had big lumps of crab meat.

“This looks amazing,” I said.

“Bon appetit,” Robert said.

The pasta was, to put it simply, incredible, with a wonderful flavor and fullness that seafood sometimes lacked. Robert almost greedily ate his dinner until he must have realized he'd have no leftovers at the rate he was going.

He cleared his throat and I looked up to see his hand on his chest again. I opened my mouth to express my concern—

“Um, Matt, I – I have something for you.”

“Oh?” I asked, my eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

He took out a thin velvet box from his breast pocket and my heart skipped a beat. “It isn't what you probably think it is.” I stared at it until he opened it to show me a pair of black and gold rings. “These are—um… excuse me,” he stuttered before covering his mouth with a palm.

“Nervous?” I asked with a smile.

“A little. Matt, you mean a lot to me. More than virtually anyone in my life, and I want to give you a… token of—th-these are promise rings.”

“Promise rings?” I looked down at the handsome rings in his hand.

Robert set the box down and looked at his plate with a slight frown. “Sometimes I still don't really think I'm ready for a relationship, but…” He looked in my eyes with a soulful, affectionate gaze. “This ring I'm giving you is a symbol of my promise to you. With this ring I promise my love and commitment to you.”

I held a hand over my pounding heart, the warmth spreading through me putting me on the verge of tears. “Robert…”

“I promise to do my best, every day, to work to—” Robert choked up a bit. He paused and took a deep breath. “—to be the man you deserve.”

I had hoped I wouldn't cry, but the tears fell down my cheeks and probably stained my shirt as he spoke.

“I promise I'll never give up on myself. For both of us.”

“You sweetheart,” I huffed out.

He held out a hand and I offered mine. “Other hand. Your – your left one.” I switched hands, feeling a bit awkward for it, and he took one of the rings out of the box. “Right hand is for married people. With this ring I promise my heart to you, Matt,” he murmured as he slipped it on my ring finger. He brought my hand to his lips and laid a soft, lingering kiss to my knuckles. “I love you,” he said as he gently stroked my hand between his.

I had to pat my eyes dry with my napkin. “Robert, that was beautiful. Thank you.”

“I wasn't really sure how this worked, so I… bought one for me, too, but if you want to say something for it…?” Robert asked with a hopeful smile.

I sniffed and took a few breaths to calm myself. “You mean the world to me, Rob, more than I know how to put into words.” I took the ring between my fingers and turned it to look at it from every angle. The inside was black, the outer face golden in a sharp-looking two-piece beveled design. “I want to promise that… I'll be by your side as you heal and grow, that I'll love and support you through life.” I took his hand and ran a thumb along the back, absentmindedly over his tattoo. I carefully slipped the ring on his finger and he clasped our hands together over the table.

“I didn't expect this to be so emotional,” he chuckled, his eyes looking wet in the orange candlelight. “I hope it didn't sound like a marriage proposal.”

“It was really sweet, don't worry. What are they made of?”

“Black tungsten and gold. Mine is… a reminder,” he said, sounding optimistic.

That sounded a little bit too personal to press on. I brought his hand to my lips to tenderly kiss his knuckles, holding it close to my face for a few moments.

“I'm ready to get out of here,” Robert laughed. I let out a few chuckles and fully reclined in my chair again. Every few moments I admired how the ring looked on my hand. I had others – nowhere near as nice – that I rarely wore, but this one I wanted to wear all the time.

A waiter stopped by and gave us our check, then brought our leftovers back a few minutes later. When we stepped out, Robert took out an e-cig and I watched him smoke for a few moments. He sidled up to me and held me with a hand on my side.

“Do you want to spend a little time together when we get home?” he said under his breath.

“Of course,” I said.

“I mean… in the bedroom.” I locked eyes with him and he looked at me very pointedly. “I want your love and I want your body.”

“Oh,” I replied, my lips curling up in a smile. “You'll have to fight me to the death if you want my body. Have at me, then, you cur!”

“Oh my god,” Robert groaned. He shoved me away and laughed. “You know just what to say to ruin the mood, don't you?”

After I regained my footing I laughed hard. “‘I want your body’ isn't exactly the sexiest thing I've ever heard.”

“Oh really?” Robert asked with a raised eyebrow. He slowly approached me and guided me back to his truck from behind, his lips right next to my ear. “How about this, then? I want to bring you home and make you watch as I slowly suck your perfect cock, until you empty your big, hairy nuts down my throat.”

_Instant boner._

“Oh god. You monster, we’re still in public!” I hissed.

“Mhm.”

I adjusted my crotch so my erection wouldn't draw too much undue attention, though I was so hard the belt trick sort of hurt. We climbed in his truck and I got a look at his lap; tented pants. “Giving yourself a boner just to give me one? You sadist.”

Robert bit his lip with a smile and turned up the radio.

 

* * *

 

Robert dropped me off in my driveway to get what I needed to comfortably spend the night at his house. I was almost feverishly excited, for the most obvious reason but also because of the beautiful ring on my finger. The fact that it fit so perfectly suggested he either got very lucky in sizing it, or…

Perhaps Amanda had helped him…?

I slipped the ring off while walking to his house, my shaving bag tucked underneath my arm. It had _My Promise of Devotion_ inscribed on the inside. I put it back on before knocking on his door.

Robert let me in and I noticed he'd already loosened his tie and collar. “Hey,” he said, low and sultry before he hugged me. I put my hands on his sides and he gave me a deep kiss, letting me taste his tongue and feel his lips against mine. “I'm, uh, really excited to get right to the fun.”

“Robert, please,” I teased. “Woo me a bit.”

“Alright, I can woo you like that voodoo that you do so well.” He released me from his hug and started the record player. It played static for a few moments before some quiet cool jazz began. I didn't know he listened to any. He took me by the waist and looked in my eyes. “May I have this dance?”

“I'd be delighted,” I said with a smile.

Robert and I didn't so much dance as we aimlessly swayed back and forth together. He only somewhat led me around the living room, slowly turning in place. I didn't know how to dance to a five-four song, though at least we weren't really dancing.

“Is this – this is Dave Brubeck, isn't it?” I asked, recognizing the song as _Take Five_.

“Maybe,” Robert said with a flat expression. “Maybe it's a cover.”

“I didn't know you liked him.”

“He's a classic.” Robert smiled. “You can't really go wrong with Dave Brubeck.”

As we meandered around the room, loosely to the tempo, I felt Robert's ring pressing lightly against my oblique. Tonight did something to change our relationship. He wasn't a fiancé, certainly not, but he wasn't just my boyfriend, now. He was a little bit more. I wondered if he felt the same way.

The light was low enough that his eyes looked rich, like decadent dark chocolate mousse, and his small smile made him look full of life in a way he hadn't months ago. Gray dotted his clean beard and streaked his tidy hair.

I laid a hand on his jaw and gently thumbed his cheek. “You're beautiful,” I whispered.

His eyebrows shot up. “Beautiful?”

“Stunning.”

He resisted a more intense smile, though his darkening cheeks betrayed him. “You are easily one of the most handsome men I've ever met,” he said. He ran a hand through my hair and I held him a bit closer, my hands against his broad back.

The record changed songs and Robert reversed our spinning direction. I leaned a bit into him, letting my face rest close to his as we spun together. I felt his heart beating under me where our chests met.

I wanted to say something, to tell him how strongly I felt, but I didn't want to break the quiet. The record changed songs after a few more minutes of slow dancing, and Robert reversed us again. With so little space between us it was easy to just turn my head a bit and softly kiss his cheek. I loved him more than I knew how to put into words. I wanted him bad, and I didn't care what we did together.

Something bumped into my calves, startling me. I looked behind me to see that Robert had danced me over to the couch.

“Have I wooed you, yet?” he asked with a grin.

“Maybe.”

His lips met mine in a soft, warm kiss, his hands gliding up and down my sides. When he pulled away he said, “Sit down?”

I sat like he asked, and he carefully knelt between my legs, ghosting his hands over my thighs. He gestured for me to scoot out and grabbed a throw pillow, only to stuff it behind my lower back to let me more fully recline.

“Ready for me?” he asked with a devious smile.

I stroked a hand down the back of his head, bringing him forward a bit as the love filling my heart needed to be shared. His expression went from sultry to something more tender, maybe realizing what I couldn't articulate.

He carefully unbuckled my belt, and untucked and unbuttoned my shirt from the bottom up until he could pull my slacks down a bit and expose my belly. My cock strained for freedom against my boxer briefs, and my gorgeous boyfriend laid a hand on my tummy to comb his fingers through the fur on me. It was so sweet, even though I knew what was coming.

I kept gently stroking and scratching his head, the ring – his symbol of love – constantly in sight. “Robert,” I whispered.

His eyes met mine and he curled his fingers into the waistband to pull my boxers down and free my cock with a bit of a spring. Robert gazed at it with a bit of hunger and a lot of appreciation, his lips pursed. I watched him wrap his fingers around the base, some of them cupping my balls, and he waved me around a little bit.

“I can't get over how big you are,” he murmured. My heart raced as I patiently waited, as I patiently stroked his head to try to say with tender touches what I could not with the English language.

The first kiss he gave to the tip of my cock was the first sweet drop of pleasure in the empty lake he'd be filling. I watched him mouth at the head, kissing and making out with it, his plush lips sucking on me as he massaged my nuts in his fingers.

“Oh, Robert,” I whispered. “Please, darling.”

Robert ran his free hand over my bare belly as he licked my shaft and kissed the sides and my lap.

“I need you, Rob. Only you, always you,” I said, not sure where it came from.

His eyes widened in surprise, and he dove in to lick the head and start sucking me deeper. The warm wetness of his mouth engulfing me felt so good I couldn't even speak, only rub his head and hope it said how much I loved him. He sucked my cock from base to tip at a snail’s pace, indulging in it and letting me feel every wet slip along my manhood.

The angle wasn't good for looking in his eyes, but it was amazing for watching every inch of me slowly slide between his wet lips and out again. He held a bit tighter to my balls and lightly tugged them down to get at more of my cock, and he took every inch of me until he buried his nose in my lap. I gasped as he swallowed, doing something incredible with his tongue that made me shiver.

I had to look away or I'd cum in moments. I let my head hit the back of the couch and laid my hand on the top of his head to ride him as he sucked up and down my dick.

“Oh god, Robert, you're amazing,” I huffed out.

Every time I felt like I was about to shoot, Robert pulled off to do something else, like kiss my belly or thighs, or massage my taint. He took a great deal of pleasure burying his face to suck my balls. He left nothing untouched, un-kissed, or un-licked as he lavished me with attention.

“I love you so much,” I said, grabbing his free hand. He looked me in the eyes as he licked precum out of the slit of my dick and made me watch him kiss the head.

I had no idea how long he spent sucking me, going so slowly I stayed on the edge as he gave me a blowjob unlike any I'd ever gotten.

“You wanna cum for me?” he asked in a low, husky tone.

“God, do I wanna cum,” I said.

“You wanna cum on my tongue or in my mouth?”

“Whichever you want.”

Robert stroked my shaft as he thought. “Sit up, I want you to cum on my tongue.”

What could I do but do what he asked? After I sat up he dove in to service me again, sucking all the way until he could kiss the base, and licked everywhere.

“I'm – it's coming, I'm gonna cum,” I heaved out.

Robert pulled off and stuck out his tongue, hugging it against the head of my cock as I throbbed hard and practically felt my nuts empty in a big rope of thick cum shot in his open mouth. I heaved out deep huffs of pleasure as I pumped seven ropes of jizz in his mouth, as he made me watch every geyser of cum coat his tongue. He swallowed me down and kissed the last few drops off the tip of my dick, then gently sucked me through the last few throbs of bliss.

I sat unable to move, my breath coming in heaves as I watched him suck and kiss my cock. I reached for him and tenderly stroked the side of his head and thumbed his cheek, gazing at him in aching fondness.

“Wow,” he said. He glanced at the clock on the wall. “That was almost fifteen minutes.”

After I had a few moments to regain my senses, it finally processed what he said. “You sucked my dick for fifteen minutes?”

“That's how you know somebody loves you.”

I laughed and rubbed his head. “How am I supposed to follow that up?

“You suck me off for sixteen minutes.”

“I want to,” I said, almost breathlessly from the force of my cumshot. “God, do I want to.”

Robert locked eyes with me, looking expectantly at me as he ran his hands over my thighs.

“I want to make you feel what you made me feel.” I leaned forward and laid a kiss to his forehead. “Come on, I wanna make you cum,” I said in as sultry a tone as I could.

Robert gave me an eager grin. I helped him to his feet and he groaned a bit. Kneeling for a quarter of an hour would do that to you. My pants fell in a mess around my ankles as I stood up, but I kicked them to the side as I took Robert's face between my hands and gave him another hungry kiss.

He sat on the couch and I knelt between his legs. His red shirt and black slacks cut a surprisingly trim figure considering the beautiful dad bod underneath, but I made quick work of undoing his shirt and pants.

I freed his hard cock from his underwear and it stood proudly at attention. “God, what a beautiful cock,” I whispered to myself. I pulled his pants down to rid him of them and give me free reign to appreciate everything below the belt, from his hairy thighs – which I gently stroked with my palms – to his gorgeous cock and ball sack.

I laid my hands on his furry belly and rubbed them up and down, thumbing at his happy trail as I looked in his eyes. He watched me with rapt fascination as I palmed his tummy and sides, trailing my fingertips over him.

“Tell me what you want me to do,” I murmured.

“I…”

I waited for him to continue, palming his thighs as he thought.

“Do what you want,” he said with a smile.

I wanted to share all my passion and tenderness with him, to give of my heart and receive of his as two souls in love do. I wanted to make a beautiful love story with him. I wanted to make him feel whole. I couldn't do the last one, but I could do the others. So, I took his cock in hand, his balls in my other, and stroked and massaged him until he writhed under me.

“Matt, please,” he whined.

I leaned down and kissed the tip of his cock and laved the head with my tongue to eat his precum. His manhood and his precum tasted wonderful, and I dove in to lick along his shaft until I could kiss his balls. I sucked them one at a time and buried my nose in the fur above his cock to breathe Robert in and let off with a little pop.

Robert looked so intently focused when I looked up at him, and he laid a hand on my head to comb his fingers through my hair. I kissed the tip of his dick and slowly sucked him between my lips, and he let out a heavy, relieved sigh.

He was so hard and his pulse so intense as I pulled him deep to the back of my throat. I swirled my lips a bit on him and petted his belly with a hand as I swallowed around him. He throbbed a few times and his nuts drew up, so I paused to see if his impending orgasm would back off.

After a moment of sitting there, totally still, tasting his cock, it seemed he wouldn't cum quite yet. I started up again, curling my fingers around the base of his shaft and quickly sucked up and down from the tip until my lips kissed my fingers, then I stopped when he throbbed again.

“Jesus, Matt,” he huffed out. He never stopped petting me, never let his hand off me as I showered his lap with wet attention.

I dove in to suck him from the root to the tip and let off with a kiss, then I did it again, and again until his shaft jumped in my mouth and I paused.

“God, please let me cum,” he whispered. His irises were blown wide open, taking in every detail of me as I made love to his cock.

Robert writhed under me when I drew off to the head of his dick and spent some time licking, sucking, and swallowing around it. I wrung him from end to tip to suck out some more precum, and he shuddered every so often.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“I wanna cum,” he huffed out.

“What do you want?” I asked again, more intently.

“I – I wanna cum down your throat,” he said, a bit confused.

“Yeah?”

“I wanna – I wanna pump a load in your mouth, I wanna feed you my cum.”

I smiled and kissed the head of his dick. “Yeah?”

“I want you to suck my balls dry and eat every drop.”

I dove in and swallowed his entire shaft. I laid a hand on his heaving belly, the soft fur under my fingers shifting with every breath he took, and poured my passion into getting every inch of his cock slick from my lips. With my fingers cradling his balls as I devoured his manhood, he pulsed in my mouth and shot his load. I bobbed my head along the whole length of him as I swallowed rope after rope of his semen. He throbbed hard and panted loud as I sucked to empty his balls like he begged me to do until I had a belly full of cum and a sweaty, tired boyfriend under my hand.

“Phew,” I said, a bit exhausted from how much I poured into blowing him.

Robert looked half asleep. He groggily stared at me with a little smile, slowly petting me with a hand. “Wow.”

I laughed and bent over to kiss his belly. “Did you time me?”

“Time you?”

“Yeah. Sixteen minutes?”

“What? Oh.” He let out an adorable giggle. “You made me forget about that.”

I clambered to my feet, but sat down on his lap on the couch. He looked in my eyes as I cupped his jaw and tenderly stroked him.

“You make me feel so special,” he murmured. I gave him a few kisses all over his face and he wrapped around me to stroke up and down my back before he dug into my shirt and divested me with a bit of wrestling. “Let's get out of these,” he groaned as he fought with his shirt until we were completely nude on the couch. “Lay down?” he asked. “I wanna suck your dick some more.”

I lay on my back and Robert crawled on hands and knees, so his legs flanked my head and his hard cock pointed down at my face. I wrapped my fingers around him and grabbed his butt with my other hand. His lips meeting my cock startled me a bit, and I pulled him in until he slid in my mouth again.

Robert set a pace of slowly thrusting, and I let him take my throat. His mouth on my cock and his dick in mine meant I probably wouldn't last long. He let his weight down on me and I hugged his furry body against mine.

Every time he thrust deep enough to make his hairy nuts meet my nose, I took a breath of him. He sucked my cock with a fervor he hadn't before, like his endgame was getting me to cum in as little time as possible.

He smelled so good every time he thrust that I was so hard I felt like an iron rod between his lips. Robert varied his thrusting pace and I licked all over him and ate more precum.

I felt more than heard him moan around me, the cool jazz a bit louder than him, and he throbbed in my mouth. Knowing what was coming sent an electric line of pleasure right to my cock, and I hugged him tight as I pumped another load between his lips. Robert emptied his cum down my throat in long, warm ropes, and I breathed in his nuts, nuzzling my nose in them as I sucked down his thick cumshot.

Robert swallowed my cum and pulled off me, panting heavily through pursed lips. “Jesus,” he huffed out, then he waved my dick around a bit and sucked me clean.

I still had him in my mouth, but he slowly rose off me. I watched his handsome manhood draw further away until he climbed off me and looked down into my eyes.

“That was awesome,” he said through a few chuckles.

I sat up and leaned in to kiss his belly and he stroked the back of my head. “You taste so good,” I said, then I laughed a little bit.

Robert grinned and took my hands. “Let's go to my bedroom.”

Robert walked backward toward his room, leading me by my hands with a big smile. “Stairs,” I said before he fell onto them. He checked behind him and started up them backward before he shook his head with a smile and turned around to walk up them normally.

He turned his room lights on their dimmest setting and held me tight next to his bed. His very comfortable bed that called to me to sleep. Robert kissed me anywhere he could as we palmed each other, sucking a few hickeys into my neck and shoulders.

“Oh, Robert,” I whispered.

“Matt,” he murmured, holding me by my jaw and looking in my eyes. “I wanna be inside you.”

I couldn't believe he wanted a third round. I couldn't believe he had the _stamina_ for a third round. Robert laid me down on the bed and rummaged in a drawer for something. He gave up and moved to a different one, then a different one.

“Robert, wait.”

He stopped and looked at me over his shoulder. “What's wrong? Do you not wanna bottom?”

“No, it's not that. I told you I'm a switch. I want you inside me too, but I just – we've been going at this kind of… intense, I just wanna check in on you.”

Robert triumphantly held up a black bottle and sat down next to me on his bed. He laid a hand on my chest and splayed his fingers out. “I'm feeling really good, Matt. This has been fun so far.”

“No, I mean… I want our sex to be an act of love.”

Robert locked eyes with me and moved his hand over my heart.

“I've been pouring my heart into this, Matt” Robert lowered his voice and lovingly stroked my head. “I want to make love to you,” he murmured. His warm, brown eyes looked deep in mine, as if he begged me to accept his words as truth.

My racing heart slowed a bit, the anxiety bleeding away. I looked down at his hand on my chest; he still wore his ring, as did I.

“I'm okay. I promise.”

I gave him a soft smile and lowly said, “Make love to me, then. Put your heart into it.”

As if I'd opened a floodgate, Robert dove in to give me an intensely heated kiss and smoothed his hand over my chest. He gathered me in his arms and held on tight as he fervently kissed me so deep I tasted cum. He moaned and stroked my back, his warm body my only anchor in the torrential sea of his passion.

He released me – I almost lamented it – and stuffed a pillow under my low back. “I'm gonna take my sweet time lubing you up,” he said in a sultry whisper. His hands trembled as he lifted my legs up and opened the lube, his cock firm and begging for me again. “You want me to use a condom? I don't have anything, checked that out a few weeks ago.”

“Rob, if you're gonna be balls deep in me I want nothing between us.” I hooked my arms under my knees to bare myself to him. “I want to feel you fill me.”

“Holy shit, that's hot,” he huffed out with a grin. He poured lube on his hand and laid his other on my butt to gently stroke as he slowly worked his fingers into me. The stretch felt so familiar but so new at once.

As he prepared me for his manhood, for everything he wanted to give me, I watched him carefully. His hand still shook with excitement, and his eyes were dilated with unchained hunger. He massaged my G spot and I shuddered under him as my cock protested. It'd been a long time since I shot three loads in one day; I think today would break the streak.

Robert withdrew his fingers and patted my butt. “I think you're ready.”

“Take me, Robert. Take me as deep as you can.”

I watched him slick his cock up and line up with my butt. “I'm not gonna last long, jeez,” he said.

“I don't care, I just want you.”

Robert locked eyes with me and I felt his cock push in. He pursed his lips and let out a breath, and he resisted letting his eyes roll to the back of his head. “God, you feel incredible,” he heaved out.

I felt more and more full as he pushed, my body taking his big cock effortlessly, until he bottomed out and I felt hairy thighs and hairy balls against me. Robert paused, panting from it all, and reached in to slowly stroke a hand down my cheek.

“Can't believe I'm so lucky,” he whispered.

I held out my arms and he curled tight around me, meeting my lips in a warm kiss. He thrust his thick cock in at a steady, slow pace, his lap rhythmically slapping my butt. I let out a moan every push and clawed at his back to pull him deeper in me.

Every push in my ass also pushed me up the bed a bit, but Robert never let go, never stopped kissing me, except to let off and kiss my neck. My cock ached, and my ass ached. My heart ached with love as I felt his big dick throb inside me.

“Oh god, Matt, I'm gonna cum again,” Robert huffed out.

“Fill me up, Rob,” I murmured. “Hold it deep and make me yours.”

He pulled away just enough to look in my eyes and lay our foreheads together. His cock pumped hard and I felt his warm cum empty into me as he heaved out hard breaths of pleasure. He curled a hand around the back of my head, trying as hard as he could to keep eye contact as he shuddered and pushed deeper, his long shaft still throbbing. “I'm still shooting,” he wheezed a few moments later. “Jesus…”

I held tight like I'd die if I didn't feel him against me until he stilled. He stayed buried inside me and relaxed a bit, his arms almost giving out.

We spent the silent few minutes that followed looking in each other's eyes. I hugged him with my arms and legs, lightly playing my fingers along his back and indulged in feeling his cock stretch me open. Robert stroked my head, never looking away from me. I felt so good deep in my body and deep in my heart that I couldn't bottle it up in me anymore, no matter how many times I said—

“I love you,” I whispered. “With all of my heart, Rob.”

“I love you, too, Matt,” he said, barely louder than me.

He drew away and slowly pulled out – thank God, my legs were sore – but he zeroed in on my lap. I was achingly hard and needed to cum again.

Robert laid a hand on my belly and kissed the tip of my dick, then slowly sucked me for a few moments with his hand around my balls. He let off and grabbed the lube again, only to slather my shaft in it.

“What're you planning?” I asked as I watched.

“Can't use spit as lube, no matter what people say.” Robert straddled my lap, then lined my cock up with his ass. I watched my cock slowly slide inside my beautiful boyfriend, and I gasped as my orgasm hit me. I panted and heaved under him as the pleasure overwhelmed me and I shot my third load right between Robert's plump butt cheeks and deep in his body.

Robert let all his weight down on me and massaged my belly through the last few waves, smiling so sweetly and fondly. I reached for his hand wearing the ring and gave his knuckles, palm, and tattoo a few kisses.

“Oh my god… tonight was unforgettable,” I slurred.

He sat on me for a while letting me breed him. I felt as exhausted as he looked, sweat pouring off him and his dick laying in my belly fur, finally looking sated. He laid a hand over my heart and gently combed through my chest hair as he looked in my eyes, my pulse slowing under his fingers.

“I'm ready to pass out together,” Robert said.

“Me too,” I said with a sleepy grin.

I watched him lift himself up until my cock slipped out of him and he lay down at my side. He curled his arms and some blankets around us and shut off the lamp, and I settled in for a good night's sleep in the lovely afterglow of making sweet, almost desperate love to my boyfriend.

 

* * *

 

Oh god. I'm so sore. And I haven't had hickeys like this since college.

The sun was up already, filtering through the blackout curtains. Birds outside sang songs.

Robert was still curled around me, but he was already awake. I stretched and groaned. “Good morning,” I said.

Robert nuzzled my chest and kissed my sternum a few times. “Good morning.” He buried his face in my neck to nuzzle me with his soft beard.

I shifted to get a better grip on him. “You're affectionate today,” I laughed.

“Haven't woken up feeling good after sex like that for a long time,” he murmured.

I glided my hands up and down his broad back. “Have you had sex like that in a long time?”

“Haven't made love to anyone,” he whispered. “But I feel…”

I paused and gently patted him. I gave him a kiss to the temple and craned my neck to try to see his expression.

“I feel safe. I feel like I have everything I need right here.”

I wasn't sure what to say. Something like that went a few different ways, both good and bad, but for the moment I let it sit.

“I'm gonna be okay, Matt,” he said.

Robert moved up the bed a bit to press his face against mine and turned to kiss my cheek. I settled in to hold him closer and twine my legs with him.

“You're gonna be okay, Rob.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed.
> 
> I'm working on a sequel, but I cannot offer estimates of when it will be released.


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